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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help me feel less angry about his separation proposal

176 replies

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 10:41

Please can anyone help me be less angry about this?

My husband moved out just over two years ago and is now seeking a 50/50 asset split and offering £5 a week maintenance.

Me and our three kids want to stay in the family home which is close to all our friends and their schools. In order to buy him out, however, I will have to give him most of my savings and the buy to let that was to provide my pension and is currently my sole regular income (he left home after I'd cared for him full time for three years following a serious life-changing illness and I've been full-time sole carer for the children since (no family nearby). I have part-time work but am mainly surviving on child tax credit). He is now living separately in a house in his name just down the road, with lots of support and sympathy from mutual friends and neighbours.

After several traumatic years and many suicide attempts, he is happy to be alive, living day to day, and in love with someone else. I am trying not to feel aggrieved at having given so much to him (we were together happily for over 20 years) and now being left with no partner, income or security, apart from the house, and facing 15 years until retirement age in which I have to bring up the children alone and somehow earn enough to get myself a pension too.

This feel especially hard since he already owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension, although he is on disability benefit (hence the £5 a week maximum maintenance I would be able to sue for) his parents regularly subside him and will make sure he is well provided for later. Plus he says he is now in love with someone else.

I can't see how I would ever meet or trust someone again, when the children and work will take all my energy. I am thinking of retraining but god knows what as!

The only upside I can currently think of is that at least he has left me (I would have felt too guilty to be able to leave him) and this way I will not have to care for him into old age, as he has become a bit of a selfish cantankerous bastard. Also that I will at least have a house, and the children. But it is daunting.

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this.

OP posts:
Weathermonger · 24/10/2018 13:42

I think you have a right to feel angry, and I feel for you. Perhaps you can use that anger to spur you on to fight for you and your children. Seek legal advice, and make sure he fulfils his obligations. Good luck and stay strong.

Wixi · 24/10/2018 13:46

I'm assuming you're 50 if you're 15 years to retirement. Are the children not reared?

I'm 49 and my DD is 9. Nothing at all unusual about this, my sister is in a similar boat being 43 with a 2.5 year old and 6 month old.

mydietstartsmonday · 24/10/2018 13:52

A friend just got a 65%/35% split of assets (she left is pension intact) her children are grown up. So find a solicitor & go for a 75/25% split as you care for small children.

SillySallySingsSongs · 24/10/2018 14:00

A friend just got a 65%/35% split of assets (she left is pension intact) her children are grown up. So find a solicitor & go for a 75/25% split as you care for small children.

Not that simple I'm afraid. Everyone's situation is different and his life changing disability will have quite a lot of weight.

Namelessinseattle · 24/10/2018 14:06

How old are your kids?

mydietstartsmonday · 24/10/2018 14:32

I know every case is different but it is not necessarily a 50:50 split and all assets including savings and pension need to be taken into account.

wink1970 · 24/10/2018 14:44

OP, can you clarify whether there are 2 houses or 3?

Either way, personally I'd sell all 3 and divide up as appropriate. You might negotiate not attacking his pensions in return for keeping your savings, for example.

Original poster
hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 15:16

Dear all, this is all really helpful and more and more I'm thinking I have to get a second opinion fast, even just to reassure me I can't get a better outcome however hard it feels. Firesuit there are three houses (we were in the lucky position of having planned to be able downsize at retirement and be able to leave property to each child. So he is in one house (that used to be our office when we were both working), I am in the family home, which is bigger and worth more, and will have to sell the buy to let which is in my name as my pension (he already has two).
And yes, lifeinpieces, its looking like I will have to swallow moving to survive financially. At least we'd be somewhere without bad memories attached

OP posts:
Original poster
hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 15:16

and kids are 11, 15 and 17

OP posts:
Jack65 · 24/10/2018 15:20

You are entitled to a pension share assuming he has one.

SushiMonster · 24/10/2018 15:26

I'm assuming you're 50 if you're 15 years to retirement. Are the children not reared?

I was 5 when my mum was 50... you can still have quite young children at age 50!

Anyway OP - keep hold of the anger and let it spur you forwards to getting a good family law solicitor and a good divorce settlement. Hope you get a fair outcome.

FoldyRoll · 24/10/2018 16:09

Has his condition been declared terminal within the next 6 months OP? I assume not given the legal wrangling. If not, his PIP will be reviewed on a regular basis, and things like being able to go to gigs and parties and live independently are going to go very much against him.

SillySallySingsSongs · 24/10/2018 16:22

If not, his PIP will be reviewed on a regular basis, and things like being able to go to gigs and parties and live independently are going to go very much against him.

No it won't. It will depend on his condition and how it effects him!

Awaytome · 24/10/2018 18:40

How many houses? You say he has two, but you only mention three in total? You're confusing me.

Your solicitor is saying he will need to pay £5 maintenance a week for 3 children?

Awaytome · 24/10/2018 18:44

You're not being coherent enough op for us to gather anything.

You live in the family home.
He lives in another home owned by him (marital asset).
There is another property buy-to-let which you wish to move to

You say he has two properties. Which two are you referring to?

What is your income? What are your assets? Where will the children reside?

And who the hell is your solicitor so that we can all avoid them!

LaurieFairyCake · 24/10/2018 18:48

Is there any chance he will die if you wait him out and not get divorced?

SillySallySingsSongs · 24/10/2018 18:49

Your solicitor is saying he will need to pay £5 maintenance a week for 3 children?

I presume that's because he has a lifechanging disability and is on disability benefits.

Lucked · 24/10/2018 18:58

OP make sure you register your ‘interest’ on the property in his name with the land registry so he can’t change or sell the ownership. I don’t think it is expensive and you can do it yourself.

1CantPickAName · 24/10/2018 19:17

He has one property in his name solely and two pensions. The op has a buy to let in her name and they have a family home in both names.

1CantPickAName · 24/10/2018 19:19

Regardless of whose names the properties are in, they are all classed as marital assets

Thebluedog · 24/10/2018 19:32

It doesn’t matter who’s names are in what houses or who has what in the bank 8’ savings, or what cars they drive etc, EVERYTHING goes into the pot

FoldyRoll · 25/10/2018 00:34

Maybe you could explain that to the PIP assessors for my life limiting terminal illness then SillySally because they, and many obviously didn't get the memo. 

Best of luck with a second opinion giving you more hope, OP. YANBU in the slightest.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2018 00:42

Try looking for a solicitor who has experience of divorce cases where the man is abusive. I think your current one may be starting from the viewpoint that women are greedy bitches and men are hard done by.

(And a man who owns property, has a pension and a new partner with an income, plus parents who are happy to throw money at him, is abusive if he thinks he's entitled to hold on to all his assets, sieze OP's assets and offer her £5 a week...)

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/10/2018 06:41

Get a lawyer ! And let them guide this
NOT him

RedHelenB · 25/10/2018 06:55

It wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion but it sounds unlikely you wold etc more than 505 dup to his disabilities. Remember everyone virtually who gets divorced ends up financially worse off. And money can disappear in lawyers fees very quickly.