help me feel less angry about his separation proposal

[hell0kitty]

Please can anyone help me be less angry about this?

My husband moved out just over two years ago and is now seeking a 50/50 asset split and offering £5 a week maintenance.

Me and our three kids want to stay in the family home which is close to all our friends and their schools. In order to buy him out, however, I will have to give him most of my savings and the buy to let that was to provide my pension and is currently my sole regular income (he left home after I'd cared for him full time for three years following a serious life-changing illness and I've been full-time sole carer for the children since (no family nearby). I have part-time work but am mainly surviving on child tax credit). He is now living separately in a house in his name just down the road, with lots of support and sympathy from mutual friends and neighbours.

After several traumatic years and many suicide attempts, he is happy to be alive, living day to day, and in love with someone else. I am trying not to feel aggrieved at having given so much to him (we were together happily for over 20 years) and now being left with no partner, income or security, apart from the house, and facing 15 years until retirement age in which I have to bring up the children alone and somehow earn enough to get myself a pension too.

This feel especially hard since he already owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension, although he is on disability benefit (hence the £5 a week maximum maintenance I would be able to sue for) his parents regularly subside him and will make sure he is well provided for later. Plus he says he is now in love with someone else.

I can't see how I would ever meet or trust someone again, when the children and work will take all my energy. I am thinking of retraining but god knows what as!

The only upside I can currently think of is that at least he has left me (I would have felt too guilty to be able to leave him) and this way I will not have to care for him into old age, as he has become a bit of a selfish cantankerous bastard. Also that I will at least have a house, and the children. But it is daunting.

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this.

user139328237 Did you read the OP's posts at all? He owns a house outright and has substantial savings plus benefits for the rest of his life regardless. He doesn't need to make his ex and his children suffer in near poverty.

If he can go out to gigs and restaurant then he isn’t living JUST on PIPS.
Where is that money coming from??

He has a partner, maybe she is contributing. Anyway, PIP and ESA are at least £200 a week I think? And he has no rent to pay, and is maybe getting council tax benefit too.

will look at wikivorce, thankyou, and yes, house prices all over the place. I think I need a second opinion from another solicitor. I've already spent £3k but...
waiting to split assets until youngest leaves home seems sensible to me, he doesnt need the money (his parents give him £ plus he is raiding his savings, as he says he is living for the day) but then equally he may have spent all his £ by then as he is so unpredictable (my solicitor's reason for going for it now).

Get some legal advice. You are entitled to a share of his pension too if you are married.

Also, sorry if not clear, family house in joint names but house he is in, is his sole name (although we both bought it!)

The one thing that I will say is to not think too far ahead.

I say that as someone who did lose their home through their DH's illness and was Widowed

Although you want to hang on to savings etc, your priority is to keep hold of your home. Focus on that.

Get more advice, it may be money we'll spent to go to Court, but the £5 a week maintainable, you'll have to get over.

He may be in live with someone else, but it may not last. He may not get Pip rewarded etc.

But don't focus on him.

Sort out what you want and live in the here and now.

well,solicitor says I'd have to give up my claim to his pension to be able to afford to have family house in my sole name and stay here

Find another solicitor.

Is there any chance he may be able to work in the future?

Do you have any paperwork to prove that you also put money into the other house?

birdsgottafly exactly that's what I'm trying to hold on to, I've already seen how something devastating can come out of the blue and who knows how life may change again in another five years. Living for the moment means accepting he no longer loves me for whatever reason but I have three kids to carry on bringing up to be resilient and surely I have to model that for them and not become bitter. Also they are already aware of how unreasonable he is, which is gratifying and devastating at the same time. They don't want to spend much time with him, but if they did my life would be so much easier, I could work more and spend less!

Your solicitor sounds more interested in getting the file closed then what's in your best interest as well as your children's.

You will be left to raise 3 kids with a whopping £260 per year contribution from their father? Fuck that. Stay angry. If he can't pay maintenance then you should receive more of the assets in the divorce.

See another solicitor. All the work the current one has done can be transferred over.

If you have any friends that came out of a nasty divorce financially well, ask who they used.

Jux: yes all assets go into the pot, whoever bought them in the first place..

Fuck that.
Get a better lawyer.
Get everything you and your kids deserve.

Are you able to put a charge on the house he owns 100% under the family law act 1996?

I'd be looking for another solicitors opinion, what you are spending on that now could save you £££ and stress later. What you've said so far does not sound fair at all, certainly no where near 50/50. Such a horrible situation for you OP, I'm so sorry, but the silver lining is that you don't have to waste much more of your life on such a selfish twat. Men like this make my blood boil, how they can attempt to deprive their children for their own interests is unbelievable to me. Stay angry and get what you deserve, don't let the bastard fleece you

First you say he's become a cantankerous bastard, then you later say that you don't think he would want to see you financially insecure...

I suspect that that is what you hope - and while he may not want to see you financially insecure, it sounds like he doesn't really care, what he wants to do is make himself financially secure and where that leaves you - secure or not - it's irrelevant to him so long as he has plenty of money to live the lifestyle he wants and if he can use his illness as an excuse to get more and not work as much then probably even better from his point of view - gives him an easier life.

Cantankerous is often another way of saying selfish and opinionated, uninterested in others. Seems apt in his case...

Definitely work out how much his assets are - house, savings and pension etc, then say that you want 75% as a starting point to cover you and the dc. If you have to negotiate down then that's fine but as you say you shouldn't have the same if you are looking after the kids (don't know what the usual split is with several dc but maybe aim to end up with 60-70%, especially if any are younger so restricting your earning capacity for longer).

If he was still with you and got poorly so wasn't able to earn in the same way - you would all have had to have cut back due to less money being available. Sounds like currently you have severely cut back but he hasn't - and he is happy to take from you and the dc to keep his own pleasant lifestyle and to hell with the rest of you.

I can't work out if he has thrown his assets into the pot too? or is working on the basis of what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine...

Although your solicitor came well recommended - do you know anyone else with dc who has been divorced locally? Can you chat to them to see approximately what their split was and what their solicitor recommended? Might give you an idea of whether or not your solicitor really is on your side. Might also be worth asking her why your ex's assets don't seem to be taken into consideration (your ex certainly doesn't seem to be taking the dc into consideration!) and why you shouldn't start by asking for 75%, particularly when you know it is going to be difficult to get more than £5 a week from him.

Plenty good advice already posted,I agree see a solicitor

Some people are saying to get another solicitor. You have a very specific circumstances so no one has any idea if the one you are seeing is right for the job. As someone, who needed to talk to a barrister several years ago, I do think it’s worth talking to a one. They are incredibly knowledgeable.

Some really good advice on this thread, OP - and rosablue's post just above is great. Get another legal opinion as silkpyjamas has suggested.

Don't be rushed and don't be quick to sign anything without being absolutely certain that you have a solicitor who is actually acting in your best interests and those of your children.

I'm glad you're away from this odious man. £5 per week? Vile.

Get a solicitor!

It’s very important you don’t “demonstrate” that you can manage on £5 maintenance. Fuck his separation proposal. Get legal advice and go for as much as you can. It helps that you haven’t been working and have been a SAHM.
Don’t agree to anything, or counter-offer without legal advice.

Definitely see a solicitor.

-sorry, that should read “further legal advice”.

Your h is a cunt. I'd seek a second opinion from another solicitor.