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Original poster

help me feel less angry about his separation proposal

176 replies

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 10:41

Please can anyone help me be less angry about this?

My husband moved out just over two years ago and is now seeking a 50/50 asset split and offering £5 a week maintenance.

Me and our three kids want to stay in the family home which is close to all our friends and their schools. In order to buy him out, however, I will have to give him most of my savings and the buy to let that was to provide my pension and is currently my sole regular income (he left home after I'd cared for him full time for three years following a serious life-changing illness and I've been full-time sole carer for the children since (no family nearby). I have part-time work but am mainly surviving on child tax credit). He is now living separately in a house in his name just down the road, with lots of support and sympathy from mutual friends and neighbours.

After several traumatic years and many suicide attempts, he is happy to be alive, living day to day, and in love with someone else. I am trying not to feel aggrieved at having given so much to him (we were together happily for over 20 years) and now being left with no partner, income or security, apart from the house, and facing 15 years until retirement age in which I have to bring up the children alone and somehow earn enough to get myself a pension too.

This feel especially hard since he already owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension, although he is on disability benefit (hence the £5 a week maximum maintenance I would be able to sue for) his parents regularly subside him and will make sure he is well provided for later. Plus he says he is now in love with someone else.

I can't see how I would ever meet or trust someone again, when the children and work will take all my energy. I am thinking of retraining but god knows what as!

The only upside I can currently think of is that at least he has left me (I would have felt too guilty to be able to leave him) and this way I will not have to care for him into old age, as he has become a bit of a selfish cantankerous bastard. Also that I will at least have a house, and the children. But it is daunting.

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 25/10/2018 07:12

Hello,

I think a second opinion is always worth it but a lot of people are making huge assumptions about the relative value of assets.

Is the family home by far the biggest asset of all the properties (e.g worth all the others combined?). That would account for what at first sounds like an unfair split.

Your children (especially older 2) will not require care for that much longer and it sounds like your earnings capacity is far greater than his, albeit for 15 years tops (you are allowed to retire!)

It sounds like you are putting an emotional attachment to a property get in the way of securing yourself a better lifestyle. It does seem unfair that his parents subsidise him but a court will never take as hoc gifts into account.

Comments such as ‘take him for everything’ are unhelpful. Get another opinion but, if it concurs with the first, don’t waste more money and emotional energy pursuing a golden pot at the end of the rainbow.

Cuttingthegrass · 25/10/2018 07:29

I think how many houses etc are red herrings. What is the total £ of the 3 houses and the CETV of his pension(s) plus expected state pension for you both. Add in assets bought whilst married ( cars eg) and savings then divide 50/50.

Sounds like your solicitor is saying the value of the house he is in now, plus the buy to let don’t equate to 50% of the bigger house? So you’ll need to negotiate over his pension to remain in the bigger house?

It must be that the bigger house is massive compared to the other two? Sorry OP I’d be angry too. Could you get a mesher order on your family home as an alternative in the interim ?

Twofer · 25/10/2018 07:40

If he’s on specific benefits then £5 child maintenance is all he has to provide. My husband’s ex has over £75,000 in savings, but we still only get £5 a week for my SD as she doesn’t work, savings don’t come into it

LakieLady · 25/10/2018 07:53

I'd try and get a second opinion too.

If you felt able to tell us the general area you live in, someone on here might be able to recommend someone.

footballmum · 25/10/2018 08:05

larrygrylls appears to know what she’s talking about (family lawyer?). Be very careful about taking legal advice on here OP, it is often inaccurate and based on PPs sense or “right” and “fairness” (which often has little to do the law!).

It’s worth getting a second opinion. A barrister will be more expensive than another lawyer, but you might get some indication of “rankings” from the Legal 500 or Chambers Legal Directory. But I agree with larry, if a second opinion concurs with what your lawyer says, go with it and move on with your life Smile

MyOtherProfile · 25/10/2018 08:14

Hope you find another lawyer quickly and can stay put. Surely the well-being of the children must count for something?

mumto2babyboys · 25/10/2018 08:16

Report him for Benefit fraud. Take videos of him being fine and get your kids to stop speaking to him until he treats you all decently

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 25/10/2018 08:21

Quite. I'd always suggest a second opinion in matters as important as this, pay for it if needs be. But some of the posts on here seem to be motivated by the poster's feelings about the fairness of the law, not any knowledge of the law itself. Him being permanently disabled is a very different situation to most people, and of course it's going to be taken into account. It's not usually a particularly good idea to pursue a case through the courts because you don't think the law is fair.

Fairylea · 25/10/2018 08:22

Report him for benefit fraud and get the kids to stop speaking to him?! Really?! There is nothing to suggest anywhere that he is claiming fraudulently. Pip and esa are very difficult to get. For him to have been awarded them there has to have been substantial evidence - if op starts being accusatory and stopping the kids seeing him (not that she can at that age really!) then the court will favour his side as she will be seen as being so unreasonable.

RandomMess · 25/10/2018 08:25

Perhaps the best way forward is to delay the 50:50 financial settlement for a few more years to give you more time to downsize yet stay in the same area plus the DC older and you won't need childcare anymore etc.

He sounds a very selfish man as he shows so little care towards the well-being of his DC in all of this...

Firesuit · 25/10/2018 08:33

I also initially thought she was saying he had two houses, in her last post, I think she must mean he has two pensions.

The implication that he doesn't need her "pension", because he has his own is wrong. The pensions aren't something separate to which his share of the marital assets will be added, they go into the pot in exactly the same was as OP's buy-to-let.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 25/10/2018 08:33

Yeah, much as he sounds horrible, highest rates PLP and ESA are fucking difficult to get. He'll be ill alright.

mysurveysays · 25/10/2018 08:41

Can you not just say 'no' then leave it to him to take you to court etc if he wants to (which he would have to pay for?)

larrygrylls · 25/10/2018 09:00

There is a lot of talk on these boards about it being in the children’s best interests to stay in the ‘family’ home. Generally it isn’t. Adults get far more attached to houses than children. Moving is an adventure to them, especially if adults project it that way. And kids really don’t care about the snob value of postcodes!

It is far better to willingly and happily sell a very expensive asset and downsize quickly, releasing cash to pay for fun things for the family. Living in decaying grandeur and feeling stressed over an unexpected repair bill is actually quite selfish and definitely not in the best interests of the children.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/10/2018 09:09

Report him for Benefit fraud. Take videos of him being fine and get your kids to stop speaking to him until he treats you all decently

Well aren't you delightful @mumto2babyboys Hmm

OP has said he is genuinely ill and disabled.

rosablue · 25/10/2018 14:01

On the face of it, it sounds like your solicitor is being quite negligent by advising you to accept the 50:50 offer that doesn't actually seem to be 50:50 as it doesn't include his assets or account for the fact that you have 3 children...

Might be worth asking on the MN legal board if anybody could give you a view on this - that it's normal or that you should be aiming for more - or at least your solicitor should be doing more for you rather than getting you to close as quickly as possible and move on despite (what seems to most people on the thread!) obvious unfairness.

That might give you some confidence to either move on or accept your lot. And will also be able to say more strongly about you being able to claim on the assets in his name (as he seems happy to claim on the ones that are in your name or your joint names)...

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 25/10/2018 15:11

That is some really bad advice. Obvious unfairness to a group of primarily legally unqualified people isn't negligence! The second opinion part is right, but that's all.

reforder · 25/10/2018 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/10/2018 17:18

On the face of it, it sounds like your solicitor is being quite negligent

You have absolutely no idea if it is or not!

rosablue · 25/10/2018 21:04

sillysally, grabem that’s kind of the point I was trying to make - albeit it seems unsuccessfully.

From what the op has said it sounds like she is not getting a good deal as it appears to take her assets into account for the communal pot but not her ex, nor does it appear to take into account the fact that she will have to pay the huge majority of child rearing costs. I can’t remember now if it was the op or a pp who felt like the solicitor wanted to close the case ASAP rather than even ensure the ex’s assets were included in the calculations - which could mean that the op ended up with a really bad deal because her solicitor didn’t want to chase down the best deal for her client, for whatever reason.

Maybe it’s negligence. Or laziness. Or a system biased against the situation the op finds hersel in. Or something else.

But it all points to it being important for the op to get another opinion, in real life. But also as there is a legal board on here it would be sense to run it past posters there too. Not for a definitive answer instead of seeing a real life solicitor but to get a sanity check and pointers for when she does talk to a real solicitor, rather than just rely on this board where we can say that sounds a bad deal but we don’t know so.

Original poster
hell0kitty · 26/10/2018 09:32

Hello all: and thankyou. I came on here looking for ways to feel better about all this and now feel worse because it does seem to most or you how it feels to me, unfair. The fact is my solicitor believes local judges are increasingly finding against the woman, that his disability is long term (and yes, I helped him get his PIP and ESA in the first place and renewed so I know what hoops you have to jump through) but he is a changed man, now deeply selfish and not someone I want to be married to. I can’t force him to be more generous as his disability cancels out my child rearing in the courts eyes. Best to move on. It may be hard work and i’ll be much worse off than if he had died, but better than being tied to caring for a man who no longer loves me, surely?

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 26/10/2018 09:48

See another solicitor- all 3 houses and both of your savings and his pension need to be taken into consideration when totalling up with assets to be split.

He's made an offer, can you go back with another offer? Say, he get a his house out right, you keep the buy-to-let, the family home is owned 60/40 (in your favour), but can not be sold until youngest dc has reached 18, plus you get half his pension and both yours and his savings are totalled with 50% each.

See what he says. At an offer of £5 maintenance, I'd be tempted to ignore it and just go via CSA once the asset split is done.

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 09:51

See what he says. At an offer of £5 maintenance, I'd be tempted to ignore it and just go via CSA once the asset split is done.

As he only recieves benefit I doubt it will be more.

his disability cancels out my child rearing in the courts eyes.

That is probably the case, yes.

RandomMess · 26/10/2018 09:59

I would think £5 is the CMS amount because of his disability...

Thanks
ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/10/2018 10:06

Whilst I agree with the disability vs. child rearing, I really do think you have nothing to lose by putting your situation in front of a couple of other solicitors on a free initial consultation. You must make sure that all assets are included - and if he has a good pension (think police, army, teaching), you must not accept anything until he provides the CETV.

You are right that moving on is far better than dwelling on something you can do nothing about. However, in doing so, don’t walk away with less than you need to. Every penny will count in building your new life.