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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

help me feel less angry about his separation proposal

176 replies

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 10:41

Please can anyone help me be less angry about this?

My husband moved out just over two years ago and is now seeking a 50/50 asset split and offering £5 a week maintenance.

Me and our three kids want to stay in the family home which is close to all our friends and their schools. In order to buy him out, however, I will have to give him most of my savings and the buy to let that was to provide my pension and is currently my sole regular income (he left home after I'd cared for him full time for three years following a serious life-changing illness and I've been full-time sole carer for the children since (no family nearby). I have part-time work but am mainly surviving on child tax credit). He is now living separately in a house in his name just down the road, with lots of support and sympathy from mutual friends and neighbours.

After several traumatic years and many suicide attempts, he is happy to be alive, living day to day, and in love with someone else. I am trying not to feel aggrieved at having given so much to him (we were together happily for over 20 years) and now being left with no partner, income or security, apart from the house, and facing 15 years until retirement age in which I have to bring up the children alone and somehow earn enough to get myself a pension too.

This feel especially hard since he already owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension, although he is on disability benefit (hence the £5 a week maximum maintenance I would be able to sue for) his parents regularly subside him and will make sure he is well provided for later. Plus he says he is now in love with someone else.

I can't see how I would ever meet or trust someone again, when the children and work will take all my energy. I am thinking of retraining but god knows what as!

The only upside I can currently think of is that at least he has left me (I would have felt too guilty to be able to leave him) and this way I will not have to care for him into old age, as he has become a bit of a selfish cantankerous bastard. Also that I will at least have a house, and the children. But it is daunting.

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this.

OP posts:

BloobCurdling · 24/10/2018 12:04

I had a fabulous shit-hot lawyer and I don't think she would have stood for this. See another one - get some recommendations if possible. Mine also let you pay later by instalments once the dust had settled.

You have three DC to care for and house, that should mean getting a bigger proportion, especially as he is comfortable. All your assets together should mean you come away with enough money by hook or by crook.

And also I'd say this: yes you want to stay in the family home, but don't pin all your hopes on it. It wasn't possible for us – but selling meant I could afford to buy a nice flat with enough bedrooms for me & kids, it's in the same nice area/school catchment, significantly cheaper and reduced my costs a lot, and we all love it. If you'd asked me a few years ago if I could see myself living here instead of our naice house, I couldn't have imagined it. But I can say hand on heart it is better in so many ways.

Good luck OP and let that anger drive you to good places.

maddening · 24/10/2018 12:16

50 50 means his assets too - and his pension surely

Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 12:22

Good solicitor and save your guilt for the donkey sanctuary. You have given him three children and three years of your live, that is enough, you deserve to have security and happiness too.

Unless you start from a position of strength and determination he will use his illness as leverage. You have no idea what the future holds for you, so don't allow him to manipulate you like this.

Get some new friends, and take him to court and get the best settlement possible, this is not for you, this is for your children. If he goes on to have another family with his new partner you will bitterly regret not having fought for your dc at the time.

Good luck. Get a recommendation for a solicitor if you can.

Original poster

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 12:22

thankyou all again, it does help to know that I have every right to be angry! Solicitor says that since law changed in 2013 assets are no longer taken into account where maintenance is concerned, only income, but his income from benefits is higher than mine currently from benefits and part time work... But that if I try and fight for 75% or whatever and he refuses a Judge is unlikely to rule in my favour because of his disability...

OP posts:

Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 12:22

*life caring for him

maddening · 24/10/2018 12:23

Also his savings are half yours - can a legal dispute be put over them?

Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 12:25

The Judge will take into consideration his assets and money and work, and his disability versus your dependents, your work as a full time carer for him for all those years and your assets and money.

The disability will be considered, but so will the needs of the children and your ability to work. If you have depression and/or anxiety this will also be considered.

Talk to a good solicitor they will have a very good idea of the most likely outcome.

Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 12:27

I don't think we should be advising you not to get angry though op, anyone would feel angry in your position. Use it wisely to harness an informed opinion and get the best outcome for your kids.

Original poster

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 12:27

Ifoundanacorn: problem is, my solicitor is advising me to take this as unlikely to get any better if fight in court... hence my anger!

OP posts:

fleshmarketclose · 24/10/2018 12:40

Non income related ESA is just for one year after that it's means tested so all his income will have to be declared and ESA adjusted accordingly.

SillySallySingsSongs · 24/10/2018 12:43

Non income related ESA is just for one year after that it's means tested so all his income will have to be declared and ESA adjusted accordingly.

Incorrect if he is in support group.

Cambionome · 24/10/2018 12:44

As everyone else has said, see another solicitor. I saw 3 before I found one I was happy with, and they were all surprisingly different in their approach and opinions as to how I ought to act going forward.

Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 12:45

Get a second opinion, and another if need be, you need to find someone prepared to fight your corner.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 24/10/2018 12:45

The only practical legal advice I have to give is to get a second opinion. I don't think it can hurt.

On an emotional level, having been through similar, I recommend finding a therapist. It genuinely helps to talk through your anger and grief. Don't forget, you are still mourning the death of a marriage and the change of your life plans. That is hard to face on your own. Hand in hand with that, I really found Mindfulness very helpful - letting go of the things you cannot change and worrying less about what's to come. You can attend classes but you can also download some great apps like Headspace or even read about it an listen to the cd of guided meditations.
www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=mindfulness&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1540381508&sr=8-1

Dontfeellikeaskeleton · 24/10/2018 12:50

I'd see another solicitor.

Missingstreetlife · 24/10/2018 12:57

If you get a different legal opinion you can change lawyers, choose carefully. if the same advice then you have to bit the bullet with either.
I would be mad too but a lucky escape from nobhead

indieshuffle · 24/10/2018 13:06

Yes contribution based ESA is ongoing after 12 months if in the support group.

As a broad guide, he may get an income related top-up too, but he won't get any IR/ means tested amount if he has savings over 16k, and deductions are made for savings between 6k and 16k. But he would still get the contribution amount, about £109 per week.

PIP won't be counted as income and they will disregard all of it, but ESA should be counted as it is an income replacement benefit. I guess this is the £5 bit.

He will only get PIP while he is affected enough to satisfy the conditions. Same for the ESA support group.

How did he manage to buy a whole house, but not give any consideration to setting money aside to pay for his children? He sounds a right bugger to put it mildly. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and no wonder that you are angry. I don't understand why he cannot be compelled to use his savings to pay for the children, but perhaps that is the law change you mention.

It must be worth another solicitor's opinion OP. If they tell you the same then it might be easier to accept the unfairness, but they might also have another idea.

In a few years I am sure you will be glad to be rid of him, even though it smarts now.

dalmationdotty · 24/10/2018 13:10

I am separated too. So funny isn't it how the man is happy to leave you to look after his kids when you're together and then suddenly wants to be father of the year when you split. 50:50 is a starting point you negotiate from there. And depending on your children ages , if they are over 10 then their wishes count. Best interest of the child is the main thing and it doesnt serve for them to be pulled from pillar to post. We do alternate weekends and a night in the week but split school holidays 50:50 as we both work. Term time tho i think the kids need to have routine. My ex is always welcome to see them anytime he likes tho and they him too but their base is at my house, the family home. Get a lawyer, you are entitled to half his assets inc pension, property and savings. Its boring doing the financials but essential Im afraid!

museumum · 24/10/2018 13:18

There are two houses in this marriage. I don't see why he should have all of the one in his name and half of the one that you and HIS CHILDREN are living in.

If I were you I'd fight for the house you're in, regardless of what that means for a future pension. If need be you can downsize and sell it when the kids move out or you can rent it out and rent yourself a small flat. I would also push the angle that this is HIS THREE CHILDREN'S home (whom he doesn't appear to be able to support going forward so at least could leave with a roof over their head).

CantGetDecentNickname · 24/10/2018 13:20

I recommend getting second opinion from another solicitor and then if necessary an informal opinion from a Barrister. Sounds like a lot of money, but at least you will know exactly where you are. What he is offering does not seam reasonable and you don't have to simply agree to it - he is not calling all the shots here. Surely he must have another source of income to afford a social life which he should be made to declare. Also, if his new OW moves in, then I think that her income and assets can be factored in as well. Either way, your kids will soon realize that they are worth so little to him - even if you don't tell them anything, they will probably figure it out and make their own decisions about their relationship with him. A life changing illness can make people incredibly selfish. Sorry you've had to experience it. Does he have a pension? Illness or not, you should try to get a percentage of it for the years when you were not working. Good luck

poobumwee · 24/10/2018 13:27

OP you need to get proper legal advice. All of his assets will also need to be taken into account for any settlement. Knowledge is power. Arm yourself with as much information as you can. Do you have access to details of his savings, pensions etc, value of house, so that you can furnish your lawyer with all of the detail he/she needs? Play your cards close to chest with him too. Only tell him what you absolutely need to! Do you have anyone who could reccomend a shit hot lawyer?

lifeinpieces123 · 24/10/2018 13:33

You are entitled to 50% of the marital assets, that means the family home, both of your savings and pension accumulated during the marriage. Any assets/savings acquired before the marriage can also be included to a certain extent
i) you have three young kids living with you (positive for you); he is disabled (positive for him);
ii) they can be considered as safety net/income stream for the owner after divorce (hence less dependent on the split from the marital assets or maintenance payments).

You need to seek legal advice. By the sound of it, you can get more than just 50% of the house.

Firesuit · 24/10/2018 13:34

There are two houses in this marriage. I don't see why he should have all of the one in his name and half of the one that you and HIS CHILDREN are living in

I don't think he's asking for half of her house, I think he is asking for her buy-to-let, which is the house he's living in. I originally thought there were three houses, hers, his and a buy-to-let, but on re-reading I now think there are only two, hers and he is living in what was her buy-to-let. So OP wants him to have no house as part of the settlement, because his house is/was her her pension.

lifeinpieces123 · 24/10/2018 13:37

PS, understood that it may be very difficult to be forced out of the family home and downsize or move to somewhere cheaper. That said, don't get emotionally too attached to the idea that you HAVE TO hang on to the family home. Consider your options and make a financially sensible one.

Firesuit · 24/10/2018 13:37

Please ignore my last post, re-read the OP again and it's clear there are three houses. It was a later post that made me think he was living in the buy-to-let.

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