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Original poster

help me feel less angry about his separation proposal

176 replies

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 10:41

Please can anyone help me be less angry about this?

My husband moved out just over two years ago and is now seeking a 50/50 asset split and offering £5 a week maintenance.

Me and our three kids want to stay in the family home which is close to all our friends and their schools. In order to buy him out, however, I will have to give him most of my savings and the buy to let that was to provide my pension and is currently my sole regular income (he left home after I'd cared for him full time for three years following a serious life-changing illness and I've been full-time sole carer for the children since (no family nearby). I have part-time work but am mainly surviving on child tax credit). He is now living separately in a house in his name just down the road, with lots of support and sympathy from mutual friends and neighbours.

After several traumatic years and many suicide attempts, he is happy to be alive, living day to day, and in love with someone else. I am trying not to feel aggrieved at having given so much to him (we were together happily for over 20 years) and now being left with no partner, income or security, apart from the house, and facing 15 years until retirement age in which I have to bring up the children alone and somehow earn enough to get myself a pension too.

This feel especially hard since he already owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension, although he is on disability benefit (hence the £5 a week maximum maintenance I would be able to sue for) his parents regularly subside him and will make sure he is well provided for later. Plus he says he is now in love with someone else.

I can't see how I would ever meet or trust someone again, when the children and work will take all my energy. I am thinking of retraining but god knows what as!

The only upside I can currently think of is that at least he has left me (I would have felt too guilty to be able to leave him) and this way I will not have to care for him into old age, as he has become a bit of a selfish cantankerous bastard. Also that I will at least have a house, and the children. But it is daunting.

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this.

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 26/10/2018 10:15

SillySally - Yes, that was my point. No point haggling over maintenance, leave it and go the CSA route. Focus on the assets, all of them. It's not just yours that he gets to split.

And how to feel less angry- this is haggling. He's gone high. You reject it and go high back, but putting all his assets on the table too and insisting the family home can't be sold until youngest dc is 18.

If your solicitor won't do that for you, then you need a new one. Just because he asks, doesn't mean you have to accept it. The courts might see his disability as wiping out your child rearing, but it might not, and if you make a reasonable, but in your favour counter offer, his solicitor might advise him while he might get more going to court, he might not...

TheBlueDot · 26/10/2018 10:25

I also think you should get a few opinions. The first solicitor I saw said I would have to move house, not get online grocery shopping anymore and get used to shopping at Aldi instead of Sainsbury’s (!). She was thinking of how to make her life as a solicitor easier I think - just get the deal done and don’t risk courts saying something else.

The next solicitor was much more thorough and I ended up staying in the family home and I still get my groceries online (as a ft working mother I need to make life easy where I can).

Its unclear as to what assests you have (in joint names or individually) from your posts - are you sure you have given full facts to your solicitor?

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 26/10/2018 13:31

You're deffo better off shot of him!

mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 13:57

@hell0kitty

Don't let him rip you off like this. He should have some common decency and provide for his children. Granted he has no income but get him back

Don't let him swan around declaring how in love he is and living happily ever after

Video him and report him for benefit fraud and they will investigate and maybe freeze his claim

You can report him anon too to hmrc. Has he mentioned he has a partner in his benefit claim.

It sounds like you've done loads to help him and he doesn't deserve it. He's thrown it all back in your face and won't pay more than the min amount of child support

So don't let Him just get away with ripping you off. Get revenge I say!

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 14:00

@mumto2babyboys

Grow up. Reporting people for benefit fraud isn't some sort of fucking game.

OP has said it is genuine.

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 14:01

Has he mentioned he has a partner in his benefit claim.

Makes no difference to PIP or contribution based ESA.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 26/10/2018 14:02

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this

You really should not feel bad in any way at all - he is completely taking the p*. All marital assets in a long marriage are in the pot: his house, the family home, his pension, your rental property ...

And if you are constrained in working full-time because you are raising his children and caring for him then he will need to pay child maintenance. And so on. It sounds as though he's pretty much abandoned his children, while expecting you to keep running the family.

Money spent on an excellent lawyer would be money very well spent.

Good luck OP Flowers - but really it sounds as though you're far better off without him!

Original poster
hell0kitty · 26/10/2018 14:06

Have contacted two other local solicitors who come recommended to see what they say...

OP posts:
mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:08

So she should just let him rip her off then? I have never claimed benefits but I'm sure the pip rate is more than £5 a week therefore he could easily pay a decent amount in child support

And it sounds like he is playing a game with her

She helped him claim benefits then he turns around and says I'm only giving you less than you are legally entitled to and... I'm so in love

like what a insensitive thing to declare!

And how can he claim benefits if he has such large equity? Did he forget to mention on his claim forms that he owns several houses as I thought there was savings limit when claiming benefits!

mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:10

@hell0kitty

Good job. Don't let him rip you off and you can report him anon he'd never know it was you and... he sounds extremely selfish

Fight fire with fire and get revenge and good luck with it

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 14:11

So she should just let him rip her off then? I have never claimed benefits but I'm sure the pip rate is more than £5 a week therefore he could easily pay a decent amount in child support

Did he forget to mention on his claim forms that he owns several houses as I thought there was savings limit when claiming benefits!

Nope. Try again. PIP is to help the individual with their disabilities and isn't included. You can clain it if you are a millionaire. It's not included in CSA calculations.

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 14:13

@mumto2babyboys

FFS stop going on about falsely reporting someone for fraud!

Purpleartichoke · 26/10/2018 14:16

If he isn’t working, would the situation improve for you and the kids by having him take primary custody so you are free to seek full-time work?

mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:17

@SillySallySingsSongs

That's super amazing that that mine and my parents and grandparents and every previous generations tax money...

is now paying for some selfish man who owns houses but won't pay for his own children. He has no morals clearly so he deserves to be treated the same way he is treating his poor ex wife and kids

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 14:19

That's super amazing that that mine and my parents and grandparents and every previous generations tax money.

@mumto2babyboys I'm sure people would rather they didn't have fucking severe disabilities in the firsr place that meant they had to have it!

mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:22

@SillySallySingsSongs

Does having a disability mean you can't be decent and pay more than £5 a week for your own children?

and having a disability means you can try to rip your ex wife off financially?

No it does not. He just sounds horrid and selfish and so insensitive

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 14:27

and having a disability means you can try to rip your ex wife off financially?

Nope. But it does mean that it will be taken into great consideration.

You suggesting he is incorrectly reported is pathetic and ridiculous and takes the little resources that there are for benefit fraud away from genuine cases.

mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:29

"Don't get mad. Get everything"

Ivana trump

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scored"

William Congreve

Op Get revenge on him somehow.

Disabled or not a man should treat his ex wife and children decently and not try to take money away from them.

Most wont agree but it's just not fair what he is doing to you so don't let him.

Original poster
hell0kitty · 26/10/2018 14:31

In my view he has every right to his benefits he worked for decades and paid his taxes and national insurance and I have seen first hand and know and have paid all the additional costs and disadvantages that come with disabilities visible and otherwise. We neither of us feel part of mainstream society any morr and I look at what my married friends with jobs can give their children in terms of attention and material goods and a start in life with envy now. It feels like there will
Never be enough of me to go round now, whether they leave home soon or not. The worst effect of the disability in my view is how selfish it has made him, unable to see others point of view or have any empathy and this is why I can’t be married to him and the kids don’t want to see much of him let alone live with him. I had hoped they would be able to see more of him as then I could work but so far they’ve not wanted to and it’s hard to force them. Far rather he was in a wheelchair, we have both said, than have his brain and personality change like this.

OP posts:
mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:31

@SillySallySingsSongs

I also said she should tell the children to stop speaking to him

I must be going straight to hell lol

WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/10/2018 14:31

See a solicitor! Don't agree to anything yet. Besides, nothing is legal until you've taken legal advice (unless you waive your right to legal advice) so you can't make any decisions or agreements without it.

How horrible that you support your DH through all his issues then he skips off to enjoy everything with someone else. A selfish decision.

mumto2babyboys · 26/10/2018 14:35

He does sound extremely selfish!

You will know best then what else you can do to 'hit him where it hurts'

Not physically!! just get some sort of revenge no matter how small because he should not be allowed to get away with ripping you off.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 26/10/2018 18:22

That's super amazing that that mine and my parents and grandparents and every previous generations tax money...

I don't really want my tax money to be spent on investigating people who are genuinely disabled who've been shopped out of spite, if we're talking about appropriate use of public funds.

It sounds pretty fucking rough OP. This is always going to be such a difficult time for you all.

Original poster
hell0kitty · 26/10/2018 19:35

He's absolutely entitled to his benefits, but can that really negate his share of responsibility for the kids? That's my basic issue!

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 19:46

He's absolutely entitled to his benefits, but can that really negate his share of responsibility for the kids

His PIP won't be touched. It is to help with the extra expenses he has through being disabled.

It's tough I get that and I hope you sort it.

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