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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being treated right?

134 replies

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 12:16

I would appreciate your opinion please. Im in my late 20's, history of a long term relationship with a much older man but who used recreational drugs daily. I was not respected but hung in there for years and years.I met someone new and pursued him. I asked him out in June and have met him once a week?fortnight, alwasys when he says and we do what he wants. He decides what we do, where we go and when. Im very flattered because he is so kind and thoughtful. he is also romantic and generous. However, and this is my problem... it is always on his terms and I come after he has made arrangements with his sports team, family, friends, work etc.I am always available as I dont have much of a relationship with family and my friends are all in the settling down stage of their lives. I have really no interests or hobbies and i hate my job. I feel like Im in a rut. i absolutely love him and would love to get serious but after 4 months, there has been no progress...still meet once a week or fortnight when he is not busy, always on ihis terms.Physically, He isnt very sexual..his words. I am but I dont mind too much right now.He texts and snaps loads.Is there a future in this do you think? Im confused

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2018 12:19

Sounds very one-sided - more like you’re friends...

florafawna · 23/10/2018 12:23

You can do better.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/10/2018 12:47

It doesn't sound like a relationship that will work in the long term, I'd save my effort if I were you.

He doesn't sound like a great partner, or one you could build a life together with.

Thehop · 23/10/2018 12:49

Sorry no, it doesn’t
You should invest time in yourself. Improve job prospects, look into hobbies.

And don’t be so available in future it honestly doesn’t get you to a good place love

nomoremrsniceguy · 23/10/2018 12:57

Invest time in yourself. Try out hobbies, join a local group, give yourself a metaphorical kick up the backside. You come across as a bit needy. Boost your own self esteem and you will thrive. Give yourself time as a single woman to find out what you like doing. Invest some time in yourself now, without wanting to sound like an advert, I'm sure you're worth it and no one else has only your best interests at heart. You will attract someone into your life as an equal, when the time is right for you.

Original poster

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 13:27

But he is so loving when we are together, so attentive and funny. He says he wants to take things really slow but how slow is slow!! there is literally no progress. Ive met his friends and they are lovely, but not family. I would love to settle down.I come from quite a dysfunctional family and have very little relationship with them. He is so stable and mature and kind. I cant believe how amazing he treats me. We have lots of physical contact but not really much sexual contact. He contacts me alot when we are apart.I know i need to retrain or move jobs but its hard when i have rent to pay and have low paid work.He leads an exciting life, socializing and travelling.I have no money for that. Should i break up with him or will he grow deeper into relationship.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 13:36

How is it kind, thoughtful or generous to dictate what you do and make time for you only once a fortnight?

He’s getting everything he wants, and you’re just hoping that one day it will turn into what you want. It really won’t.

Don’t waste your time slotting into his life when you could be out developing your own.

Original poster

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 13:44

he is really busy. He works in another area, anout 100km away so he is tired in the evenings after driving to and from work and gym and then he has to cook dinner, relax, housework and at weekends he has sports/family/friends/ maintenance of house etc. He likes to travel and attend concerts aswell. Its nearly always once a week now but i am available to him i guess because i am free to meet him whenever he wants..If say Im not free then Ill never see him. He has attended a friends special birthday with me and made a great effort to talk to my friends.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 13:53

How much housework and maintenance does a single person generate? You’re making excuses for him.

He might be lovely in all other things and genuinely busy, but honesty, do not underestimate the potential future impact to your self esteem of a man who “isn’t very sexual”. It can be humiliating. You’re 20 something years old and you quite normally want a sex life. It’s not something to compromise on. (small disparity in sex drive, yes - not wanting sex, no)

Stop being in awe of him. And stop making excuses for him. You’re a prize too. If he doesn’t provide what you want, you don't have to accept that.

How does it happen that he gets to decide everything? What happens if you suggest something.

You say he’s romantic - do you mean he buys flowers? Because my idea of romantic is that even when my husband is tired, he wants to see me.

Eatmycheese · 23/10/2018 13:54

@hippychick2018 if you have to ask yourself or others this question, I'm afraid you already have your answer

tiggerkid · 23/10/2018 13:56

What exactly are you confused by? This is what I am hearing:

you only meet once a fortnight and do only whatever he feels like
you always come after his mates, hobbies and whatever else he is doing
physically he isn't very "sexual" either as he puts it

It's been 4 months, so still what most people would refer to as the flowers-and-chocolate-wining-dining period. Is there a future in this? Possibly. The question is do YOU really want the sort of future YOU see in this?

Original poster

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 14:03

I have never met someone before who brings me out for dinner/drinks/cinema /a night away in a hotel. He collects me and drops me home. My dates were always just hanging out in a boyfriends house. He always pays for dinner/drinks.We have sex but only because I want it.He does like to kiss and cuddle though.He contacts me alot by snapchat and rext. He is flirty and complimentary all the time. I have very little money to do anything so I dont expect him to pay for everything so I wont be able to do alot of travel/gigs with him and he knows that so maybe thats why he doesnt ask?

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Original poster

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 14:05

Also, I notice that when he is away for a holiday or weekend, he will wait to see me for up to a week even if he has no plans.He just says he's tired etc but then when we meet its perfect

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Original poster

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 14:07

Im confused because when we are together its amazing BUT thats only when he is free to meet up which i im wondering is too seldom even when he could meet me if he really wanted? Is his life extraordinarily busy or am i not a priority?

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Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 14:29

What’s so amazing about it though?

You’ve had shit boyfriends in the past, doesn’t mean he’s amazing because he buys you a cinema ticket. That just puts him into “normal” not “amazing” - you just don’t realise it

Dare I ask how old he is? You mentioned him being mature and I fear you don’t mean personality.

Picking you up for a date and paying for dinner is nice.

But look, put these 3 nice things in order of what’s important to you:

Picks me up and pays for dinner
Will choose time with me over other things because he thinks I’m awesome
Gives me shivers when I know he wants to make love to me

I know which of the 3 would come lowest for me!

There are men out there who can give you all 3.

And look, him paying may be because he’s lovely. But of those 3, paying for stuff is just the least genuine to me - because if you can afford to pay for two, it’s actually no effort whatsoever. It’s no big deal. I pay for my husband loads, as I earn a lot more. He appreciates that, but that’s not what makes him feel loved. He feels loved because when we lived apart I’d get back from working abroad - a flight then a 2 hour drive - at 2am, and drive to his house instead of mine, despite having to leave his at 7am, just because I hadn’t seen him for a week. I’d call thee extraordinarily busy.

I’m not saying he’s not a nice man... but he doesn’t sound like a man who meets your needs. He’s allowed to want a once a week girlfriend and no sex. Doesn’t mean you want to be her.

Original poster

hippychick2018 · 23/10/2018 15:19

Thank you. He is early 30's. I am late twenties.you are right. Its just that he is so loving and attentive when we are together. I guess that i must accept that he is selfish with his time and maybe i am not a priority at the moment. i suppose that if I hang in there, he may start to want me more or show more interest and now that his friends are all settled or settling down, he might follow suit. Sometimes I feel like i am a carrot dangling on a string. He is so amazing though. He is mature, responsible, has his own house, car, profession, financially solid, amazing family and then physically i am also attracted to him. Ive told him that i love him and that id like children. hes told me that he likes me alot but that he cannot guarantee that he wont hurt me as he doesnt know what the future holds.

OP posts:

tiggerkid · 23/10/2018 16:30

He is mature, responsible, has his own house, car, profession, financially solid, amazing family and then physically i am also attracted to him

Yes, he probably is amazing in every sense except in your relationship with you. He is so amazing when you are together... yes, because he is pretty much doing what he likes. He'll turn up when he feels like it to do whatever he fancies doing on his own terms and in his own time when he is good and ready. If he feels like it, he'll get to have sex too. When he feels like it. When he calls, you'll come running. If he doesn't, you'll be waiting. Sounds brilliant... for him.

If this still sounds like you should be hanging in there waiting for him to follow suit because everyone around him is getting married, he really may follow suit... whether it will be with you is another question.

Don't mean to sound offensive but I honestly think you should fix your self-esteem starting with letting him go.

Angrybird345 · 23/10/2018 16:37

He’s not amazing. He doesn’t treat you well. He’s not kind and thoughtful. Move on!

redlittlesquirrel · 23/10/2018 17:20

Ive told him that i love him and that id like children. hes told me that he likes me alot but that he cannot guarantee that he wont hurt me as he doesnt know what the future holds.

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?

Aozora13 · 23/10/2018 17:26

Sounds like he views you as someone who “will do for now” and you definitely deserve better than that.

Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 17:31

Why do you love a man who doesn’t want to spend much time with you?

Do you really want a man who only settles down with you, because he sees his friends settling down?

I’m really sorry that this next bit is harsh, but I think you need to consider it.

Do you think that dating you IS his version of settling down, because everyone else is? Maybe he doesn’t want a proper relationship - doesn’t want to give the time it requires, and doesn’t want to have sex. Then you come along. You let him tick the box to his mates. Become a +1 for all those settling down friends weddings, and stop his mum making comments about finding a nice girl. All without actually having to be in a proper relationship.

If he was lovely and it was just the lack of sex I’d still tell you to run, but feel sorry for him. But it’s not only that - it’s him not making time for you.

He might be a really decent guy who just doesn’t WANT more. And that’s fine if he’s honest. But I don’t think he is. He tells you he’s tired and doing housework? I doubt it. He tells you he wants to take it slow? Sounds more like a cover for lack of interest in sex.

Like I said - he can be a nice man, but not a nice man for you.

If you can’t say “you know, I want a relationship where I get to see my boyfriend a couple of times a week, or spend a full weekend together” and get a positive response, he’s not for you. You need someone you can talk to.

Mother196 · 23/10/2018 18:55

I'm really sorry but I think he has a girlfriend because he seems either very sketchy or doesn't see you as long term otherwise you would come first and he would want to be with you all the time.

Original poster

hippychick2018 · 24/10/2018 10:12

Thanks. Ive read all your advice and thank you. Its very hard to let go whent he time we have together is so amazing.Im used to being treated badly but I guess I let myself be treated badly. I am too availale and easy going but I know that I could have a good life with this man. I know its one sided and I know that he calls the shots but I cant see myself ever meeting someone who will treat me so amazingly well when we are together. t was great to get the perspective of the idea that this might be his idea of the ideal relationship... all on his terms, no major commitment given but for some reason I feel that if i hang in there, he might grow to get fonder of me because he told me that it takes him so long to develop an emotional connection with someone and then the sexual connection normally comes after that.Would I be silly to give it more time or should i give him an ultimatum? He is going out with his friends all this weekend and as far as I know, I dont feature in his plans yet, although he he has time off work next week so he will be free to see me when his friends and family are at work.

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rainingcatsanddog · 24/10/2018 10:20

You don't sound compatible at all. It's ok to end a relationship based on that. If you were my friend, I'd advise you to move on as it doesn't sound like he's particularly into you. He should want to make you a high priority right now.

Personally I think that if you wait you need to set yourself a mental deadline of how long since it's more likely that he won't change than he will. It should still be the honeymoon phase so his behaviour will be at it's best.

Original poster

hippychick2018 · 24/10/2018 10:26

Thank you. But he texts and sends me messages multiple times a day..flirty and romantic??Even when he is out with family and friends, although he did turn off his phone on holidays and weekends away during the summer

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