Am I being treated right?

[hippychick2018]

I would appreciate your opinion please. Im in my late 20's, history of a long term relationship with a much older man but who used recreational drugs daily. I was not respected but hung in there for years and years.I met someone new and pursued him. I asked him out in June and have met him once a week?fortnight, alwasys when he says and we do what he wants. He decides what we do, where we go and when. Im very flattered because he is so kind and thoughtful. he is also romantic and generous. However, and this is my problem... it is always on his terms and I come after he has made arrangements with his sports team, family, friends, work etc.I am always available as I dont have much of a relationship with family and my friends are all in the settling down stage of their lives. I have really no interests or hobbies and i hate my job. I feel like Im in a rut. i absolutely love him and would love to get serious but after 4 months, there has been no progress...still meet once a week or fortnight when he is not busy, always on ihis terms.Physically, He isnt very sexual..his words. I am but I dont mind too much right now.He texts and snaps loads.Is there a future in this do you think? Im confused

I also think you could do better and, to me, it does not sound as though you are the only person he is seeing.
You do sound like you are being far too accommodating. How would be react if you happened not to be available for a suggested date? Or waited some hours before responding to his text messages?
I think you could get a better picture of his "interest" from these reactions.
And I wouldn't go into too much detail on why you are not available or didn't respond according to your usual pattern, either. A simple "That date/time doesn't work for me, I have something arranged then (on repeat, if necessary)" or, if questioned on a slow text response, "I was very busy/didn't see your text until later" is enough.

What @plainvanilla says
Exactly this

Would I be silly to give it more time or should i give him an ultimatum?

Neither. He's just not that into you. This isn't going to change. Walk away and find someone who likes you as much as you like them.

A man who is really into you will not be too busy for you. A man that really wants you will put off hanging out with friends and family to pursue a relationship with you. He will also most definitely see you more than once a week.

You deserve a man who makes you a priority and can't get enough of you and he's not that man. He's a time waster.

You can't have a good life with this man because he doesn't want a life with you, he just wants you to be there when it's convenient with him. He's not going to change, he's living life on his terms, and that doesn't include getting serious, seeing you more often, and settling down with you. Sorry.

Gosh op, slow down. You've met this guy what fifteen or sixteen times and you've already told him you love him and are now envisaging a life with him?

Your focus seems very materialistic. It's about what he has an achieved, less about him as a person. You don't even seem phased by the fact you declared you loved him and he basically told you he didn't love you.

I think it's not he's going to slow. It's you're going to fast and it's probably pushing him away slightly.

Try to find other interests. Some independence and a life of your own may make you more attractive to him.

But weve been seeing eachother since june! Ive never felt such a connection!I just know that hes exactly the type of man that Id want to spend my life with and have children with

He may be the type of man you want to spend your life with and you may be ready to settle down, but it's very clear that he doesn't feel the same way and is nowhere near ready to settle down in his life and probably only sees you as someone to have fun with in the short term. June to October is 4 months, you can't know someone in 4 months, especially if you're only seeing him once a week.

Carry on seeing him if you enjoy it. However understand that he's not serious- if someone tells you they can't promise you anything as they don't know what the future holds when you're telling them you love them then listen - he's basically being honest and saying he's not seeing you as long term. You're not wanting to hear it.

Well I would like to settle down. I dont want to waste my time with him if he doesnt see a future but at the same time, I feel that he really likes me and he told me that his previous relationships break down because of the sex issue but because I accept his lack of interest in sex, there is no problem.I would like children in the future, sooner rather than later. Im ready to settle down now.I just need to figure out if he wants to settle down with me and how long should i wait for him to show progress and want to see me more. There has been no increase in seeing eachother really. Its still once a week or once a fortnight.He likes his ego to be boosted and he loves compliments and flattery which I do and he does the same for me.He said that he loves that I accept him for who he is and that he has grown fond of me.Thats surely a good sign, right?

No, its a clear statement that he sees you two as friends with benefits.

You could make a start by being single.
He probably has zero respect for you.
Just why should he bother with you at all?
Just when he has nothing better to do I guess.

Tell him you feel you don't see each other enough and you want to spend a little more time together. See what he says.

wow! i must be very blind to him. you are all essentially saying the same thing but i am not an fwb as sex isnt really a big part of our relationship and also there is definitely no other woman, only his best friend who is female that maybe he holds a torch for? But she is much older and is married with kids etc so there is nothing physical between them although they work together and have a very intense relationship outside of work too.I think she is more like a mother to him or a big sister as he confides in her.Maybe I should play hard to get as some of you said?

Honestly if my now husband had been telling me he loved me and wanted to settle down with me and have a life with me at this early stage of a relationship I'd have been at best cautious, at worst I'd have run a mile.

It's too much too soon. No wonder he's treading cautiously.

Would I be silly to give it more time or should i give him an ultimatum?

I probably wouldn't give an ultimatum straight away if no prior conversation about how his behaviour makes you feel has ever been had. I'd start with explaining how you feel and what you want out of the relationship. Then explain that if no changes are implemented, you are out but make sure you are prepared to follow through with it. If not, don't bother. Empty chat is just that... empty chat.

Ive told him id like to see him more but as he is such a distance from his work during the week and is tired and busy in other ways, he says he just doesnt have the time at the moment but maybe when things get less busy in the winter

I think he's stringing you along....

He's either not ready /doesn't want to settle down with you... Sorry.

He's all but waving a flag saying... Look I like you but this is for kicks.. And all it will be...

He's TOLD you how he sees it... But you're not wanting to see/beleive it.

He MAY change... But my guess, is not.

If he was that into you, he'd be prioritising you and wouldn't want you kicking your heels most of the week... He'd WANT to spend every spare minute with you.

YOU may be ready to settle down... But his is a different future landscape...

Ask him... And then act on it... Can you see anoog term future for us? As I dint want to spend my time (and my 30s)waitinf for something that you don't see happening

Tell him you feel you don't see each other enough and you want to spend a little more time together

Are you just setting her up for a fall? After telling him she loved him and wanted to spend her life with him after just a few weeks she's. Is to ask to see him more? What so she watch him run as fast as he can?

Can you see anoog term future for us

This is the kind of thing you ask after a year or two. Not a few weeks.

Honestly if my now husband had been telling me he loved me and wanted to settle down with me and have a life with me at this early stage of a relationship I'd have been at best cautious, at worst I'd have run a mile.

Bluntness, OP's type of relationship would be fine for you because you sound fiercely independent and it seems that you like to take things very slowly, although I may be wrong. However, it isn't working for OP as she does want to settle down now and that's what matters.

We're all different, no right or wrong, just what works for you. FWIW, my DH told me he loved me after a month and had a key to my place after 6 weeks because we both knew what we wanted after so many years of dating, being messed around, etc, and were both ready to settle down. That wouldn't work for many, just as your relationship with your DH developing so slowly wouldn't work for many either.

OP, I had a near identical relationship to yours except it was amazing sex-wise. I ended it after 3 months because I was sick of always wanting more than he could give. He was also very busy (gym, friends, etc) but it's not what I was looking for in a relationship; I wanted a guy to make me feel like I was his priority! He was a wonderful, gorgeous man but I'm so glad I didn't waste years on him because, not long after, I met my DH who loves nothing more than spending his free time with me and I am his world. That's what you deserve but you won't find it while this guy-who-is-not-your-future-DH is blocking the path!

Ive told him id like to see him more but as he is such a distance from his work during the week and is tired and busy in other ways, he says he just doesnt have the time at the moment but maybe when things get less busy in the winter

The more I read this, the less and less I understand what exactly you think is so amazing about this man. He is basically finding time for everything else in his life apart from you. When it comes to you, he is always tired, busy in other ways, maybe another time, blah, blah, blah... and you still think he is amazing. In what way? Compared to other men, who treated you like sh? You need to understand that sh is sh. Why do you want to distinguish between 50 shades of sh?

he says he just doesnt have the time at the moment but maybe when things get less busy in the winter
Come on! surely you see what a cop out this is? If you like someone and enjoy spending time with them, wild horses can't keep you away! Do you really want a relationship where he only makes time for you one season a year (if that)?!?

Argggghh

He's "fond" of you, but doesn't want to make the effort to see you much, doesn't want to have sex with you, lives 100km away, is keeping you away from his family, and is constantly "busy".

Whereas you've told him you love him and want his babies.

He's not that interested and he's certainly not up for a long term relationship.You have fallen hard for a substandard relationship because it's better than what you had, but it's certainly not long term material.

Cut your losses, and take some time out to refocus on your life, otherwise you'll just end up clinging to the next loser who comes along who is vaguely nice to you.

I completely agree with @nomoremrsniceguy

Honestly, I think you're asking the wrong questions and concentrating on the wrong things. You don't have to make a big decision about breaking up with him or giving him an ultimatum but there's things you can do immediately, for yourself, which will drastically improve a good relationship and might highlight the problems in a bad one.

He's taking the lead and making the decisions because he can and because - I'm sorry - you're letting him. Concentrate on you and making yourself happier. Find a hobby or group you're passionate about - try meetup to see what's happening around you.

Spend time with your friends who aren't too tied up. Find new friends, go out more and get a new job, one that you don't hate. Make your plans and then fit him in around what works for you - just like he's done.

It sounds like someone's done a bang-up job of squashing your self-esteem. I'm hoping it isn't him but regardless, you need to work on yourself. If you're struggling and fed up, try something like CBT which will train you to stop being down on yourself.

Make your own happiness, don't depend on him to provide it. Then, when you're confident, busy, popular and enjoying your life, you'll care less about waiting on him and he'll care more about fitting in around you. And if he doesn't, then he wasn't right for you - and being a happier person will mean that you move on quicker and find someone who wants to spend time with you, wants to share your happiness and doesn't make you feel insecure.

Sometimes it can be hard to dig yourself out of a rut but you can do it and you'll be stronger for it afterwards.