Am I being treated right?

[hippychick2018]

I would appreciate your opinion please. Im in my late 20's, history of a long term relationship with a much older man but who used recreational drugs daily. I was not respected but hung in there for years and years.I met someone new and pursued him. I asked him out in June and have met him once a week?fortnight, alwasys when he says and we do what he wants. He decides what we do, where we go and when. Im very flattered because he is so kind and thoughtful. he is also romantic and generous. However, and this is my problem... it is always on his terms and I come after he has made arrangements with his sports team, family, friends, work etc.I am always available as I dont have much of a relationship with family and my friends are all in the settling down stage of their lives. I have really no interests or hobbies and i hate my job. I feel like Im in a rut. i absolutely love him and would love to get serious but after 4 months, there has been no progress...still meet once a week or fortnight when he is not busy, always on ihis terms.Physically, He isnt very sexual..his words. I am but I dont mind too much right now.He texts and snaps loads.Is there a future in this do you think? Im confused

He’s either in another relationship and likely married or he’s just not that into you. Dump him and meet someone who puts you first not last.

@bluntness if telling him you want to see more of him drives him away then you see the truth surely? Otherwise what do you do? Carry on being strung along until he finally leaves? It's not wrong to tell your boyfriend of four months that you would like to see him more than once a week...!

thanks for your kind words and advice. yes his treatment of me is better than ive ever had. I work in a dead end job, in a dead end town.. my friends are all settled with partners and babies and i would dearly love that for myself.I have a degree and use it but am caught in a vicious cycle because if I continue to study, i will have no money to rent and moving home is not an option because of my family situation.I work in a minimum paid job, with little prospects.I do like to do an exercise class a week or go for walks.Ive been treated so badly...ghosted, used etc but horrible men and then I meet this gentleman. I couldnt believe my luck. Yes i tried to be on my own for six months, had horrible experiences and then contacted my now boyfriend.I clearly need to be in a relationship and am not very good at being on my own.I dont even know why Im hanging on but something tells me that he might just fall in love.Hes introduced me to his friends recently, i was very quiet and not at all chatty which i know made him uncomfortable as he is very outgoing. I would love to meet his family but he hasnt offered despite hints. He seems to want to spend more timeand energy with his female friend than me which i know shouldnt hurt me but it does. Now Im beginning to wonder if he is in love with the unattainable woman rather than me the available woman. He never stops talking about her and beams when does. Lots of seeds being set today and yesterday and certainly alot to think about from you all.

I work in a dead end job, in a dead end town..

Then do something to change your life. You don't have to work in a dead end job and you don't have to live in a dead end town. Yes, it's challenging to move but start taking steps towards looking for another job in another place.

Look at the way you are describing yourself: dead end job in a dead end town. No hobbies. No interests. No money. Always treated badly.

If this is how you see yourself, you will continue attracting men, who treat you badly.

You need to change the way you see yourself and your life will start to change.

It's difficult to do but you have to make a start. Start by telling this man how you want to be treated and if he isn't prepared to make a change, then drop him and move on.

tiggerkid makes some really good points. It sounds like you like this guy because you think he will rescue you from your 'dead end life'. That's not a healthy basis for a relationship. It's the 21st century, you need to rescue yourself. And only when you've done that you should consider if a man is worthy of you or not. You have to love and respect yourself first before you can expect anyone else to.

So now he’s told you that previous relationships broke down because of the lack of sex.

So his “wanting to take it slow” and “sexual connection follows emotional connection” is just utter bullshit, isn’t it?

He always has a problem with no wanting sex with his girlfriends.

He’s actually being quite the shit sending you “flirty” text messages, in that case - sounds like he’s deliberately hinting at a sexual relationship that he has no intention of delivering on.

And you’re also adding in that he’s got time for this friend of his, but not you. The 100km away job is affecting, that, is it?

Can I recommend this book to you?
I found it an embarrassing read (I’ve hung around trying to be the relaxed cool girl in my younger days!) but it was worth the embarrassment:
www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Just-Not-That-Into/dp/0007431856/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=hes+just+not+that+into+you+book&dpPl=1&dpID=415egzBPU4L&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1540405926&sr=8-1

Thank you. I just read loads of reviews and it doesn’t make for easy reading! Sounds like I need it though. Just wonder what’s wrong with me! Sex must be an issue for him yes. Yes I do get a little bit frustrated if I’m honest but get over it . He is very exact in what he likes and doesn’t like, what he will Do what he won’t do . I can get over that though. I just love the company and the physical contact... cuddling/ hugs etc . He works with this woman so they see a lot of each other both in and out of work. They are also in constant contact .. jokey/ chats/ deep chats too. She is his confidante apparently and he has told me that he has told her all about us . Just the way he talks about her and lights up about her unsettled me a little. He is in awe of her I think . Only that she is married and has children and lives so far away, I would wonder what the nature of their relationship is With her.

You just seem to be posting a lot of “I can put up with that though”.

I think the problem for mamy people is they think well, nobody’s perfect, everyone has to compromise... and think it’s OK that they’re putting up with things.

But this is not minor give and take, is it? This is a man who is only there when he wants to be, on his terms, exactly how he wants it.

I get that you like the physical affection and cuddles. But you know, you’d get that from a pet dog. Who also would go crazy mad bounding over to love you every time you opened the door.

I don’t see this man bounding over to see you.

Read the book.
See this guy, but make sure it’s on your terms too - the times you want to meet, where you want to go.
Open your eyes and make a mental note of how often you are compromising for him, vs what he will do for you.
Stop telling him you love him and want babies, when you’ve only had what, 15 dates?!

I have never met someone before who brings me out for dinner/drinks/cinema /a night away in a hotel. He collects me and drops me home. My dates were always just hanging out in a boyfriends house.

Op, this is every normal, decent guy in the world - it's just what happens when you date! Your bar has been set very low because of your experiences, but it doesn't have to stay so low. I'd be concerned you're clinging to this guy, regardless of whether he's the best partner for you long term, because you think you'll never meet another nice one.

I think you'd be better off for now throwing yourself into a job search - it's no way to live being stuck in a rubbish one. Try and get some careers advice and help with your CV, and then you can start applying for a step up in pay. You'll meet new people and do things you didn't know you were capable of, more money means increased ability to do fun stuff like travel and classes for things you're interested in.

At the same time, work on your self confidence - there are lots and lots of resources out there, from books to digital courses to meet-up groups. The world is your oyster, spend your time finding new experiences and getting to know yourself a bit.

I’ve not RTFT but I generally find if you have to ask then no, you’re not being treated right.

Ive told him that i love him and that id like children. hes told me that he likes me alot but that he cannot guarantee that he wont hurt me as he doesnt know what the future holds.

He’s not that into you.

Meet someone else.

He hasn’t committed to you. Date other people. You don’t have to sleep with them. Mention your friends and he will either get jealous or not care.

Either way, you need to move the f* k on.

Op have thr two of you ever actually had sex?

🤣

Thanks for your replies. They have given me a lot to think about . Yes we have had sex but it’s only because I wish to have it. I can see that he’s not really interested in it and he can only ‘ perform’ at certain times of day and in one position only . He prefers physical
Contact, hugging, cuddling etc. But he is very flirty on text and plenty of sexual tension and build up on messenger but then doesn’t follow through when we meet. He told me straight away about his lack of interest in all things sexual and that he only likes certain things at a certain time. I have been mildly frustrated but I like sex in the mornings, he won’t have it. There are always loads of excuses .. having to go home/ hobbies/ previous arrangements etc. I think he hinted at bringing me home next week to meet his family so I’m beginning to wonder if he is getting more serious but the sex thing will stay the same . I wonder also if he is happy as a previous poster said, to have me as his gf on his terms because I have not complained or put any pressure on him yet, about commitment or next steps or sex ?

Could he be gay op?

I really don’t think so. He explained it to me like this.. he doesn’t find women sexually attractive as a rule although he recognises that they may be. He can admire a woman’s beauty/ attractiveness etc but doesn’t feel sexual arousal towards them. When he really gets to know someone and starts falling for them or getting fond of them, then he can feel sexual arousal but even at that, he doesn’t have a sexual appetite to have sex with that woman, but can get turned on during cuddling etc. It’s very hard for me to understand. He can perform but it’s limited and fast. It’s almost like he wants it over with quickly. He is turned on by women’s personalities, in fact he said that the more a woman intrigues him , the more he is attracted to her , but not necessarily sexually. He said something about thinking he may be demisexual or asexual but I do know that he had massive guilt issues around sex/ masturbation etc when he was young . Sometimes I think I come in too strong. I text him a lot and return his texts straight away. Then I see that he sometimes switches off the WiFi on his phone so he is not contactable . It seems from reading all your replies that I am too available and I’m being a doormat and that he is happy to have found someone who accepts the lack of commitment / sex/ meeting up. So I must decide I guess if I wa t to remain this woman . I must add that I’m quite a sexual person who would love the relationship to step up a gear and get some commitment from him. I’d like a baby and a family . Our sex life may improve if he gets fonder of me

Listen to me. You will. Be desperately unhappy with this man. The sexual incompatiblity will make you utterly miserable.

End this now and lead to be happy as you are and if you meet someone else you’ll know yourself better.

You should have high expectations going into a relationship.

Op, as he's had previous relationships end due to the sex issue, it's doubtful this will resolve, in fact it's likely to get worse and as such, if you wish kids that could be difficult.

He may be asexual, but I'm sorry it's more likely he's gay and doesn't wish to admit it to either you or even himself. More likely you. He's clearly telling uou he doesn't fancy women.

I really think you should get out of this, as eventually it will eat away at your self esteem.

Hi OP

Have a look at pursuer distancer relationship dynamics. This sounds like a classic case. You need to step back and see how he responds.

You've told a guy who you date once a week over a 4 month period that you love him and want children with him?? Why would you do that, you barely know him!
If you turn yourself into a doormat you can expect to be walked on.
He clearly likes spending time with you, but he's not desperate to see you, is he? He has good manners and is comfortably off, but has a lifestyle you can't afford and a lot going on.
Make yourself less available, and get some interest s, not everything costs money.

Just seen your last response.
He's not sexually attracted to women, what more do you need to know? If he's nice, keep him as a friend but he's not your boyfriend.

All that stuff about being more sexually attracted as he gets more emotionally attracted?

That is horseshit.

There was a poster a while ago, agonising because she was dating someone asexual. And in that case, the man was honest.

I don’t like your boyfriend because he is dishonest. If he’s asexual, fine - explain that and take his chances with you.

But he’s not doing that. He’s leading you on with hints that it’s your fault (he just needs to be more emotionally connected) and leading you on with flirty texts.

He’s lazy and has a low sex drive, is all. He wants sex exactly when and how HE wants it, end of.

This one position and one position only that he’ll do it in? Based around him coming, I’m sure. Does he ever bother with positions that are better for you?

He won’t make you happy OP. He lives his life in compartments which are entirely controlled by him. No doubt he likes you and enjoys your company and probably all the flirty texts give him a sense of being a Real Man. But that isn’t actually his reality, his attitude to sex sounds seriously fucked up (!) and would probably only get worse if you stayed together long term.

Hard though it will be I feel you need to lonok at improving your own life rather than gazing enviously at his and meet someone who actually wants a long term relationship. And yes, four months is far too soon to be asking about the future. That’s enough to make most men and women run for the hills.