Am I being treated right?

[hippychick2018]

I would appreciate your opinion please. Im in my late 20's, history of a long term relationship with a much older man but who used recreational drugs daily. I was not respected but hung in there for years and years.I met someone new and pursued him. I asked him out in June and have met him once a week?fortnight, alwasys when he says and we do what he wants. He decides what we do, where we go and when. Im very flattered because he is so kind and thoughtful. he is also romantic and generous. However, and this is my problem... it is always on his terms and I come after he has made arrangements with his sports team, family, friends, work etc.I am always available as I dont have much of a relationship with family and my friends are all in the settling down stage of their lives. I have really no interests or hobbies and i hate my job. I feel like Im in a rut. i absolutely love him and would love to get serious but after 4 months, there has been no progress...still meet once a week or fortnight when he is not busy, always on ihis terms.Physically, He isnt very sexual..his words. I am but I dont mind too much right now.He texts and snaps loads.Is there a future in this do you think? Im confused

No-one knows if he has a low sex drive.

No-one knows who he's seeing the majority of the time.

All this must be an ego-boost for him, OP and quite frankly you're wasting your time.

Thanks everybody . Well he brought me away for the day at the weekend and we had a pleasant time. Then he introduced me to his siblings! Still
Seeing each other once a week when it suits him and he likes to go home after our dates so I suppose he is still avoiding the sex issues. Emotionally it’s progressing but not commitment or sexually .

Name change fail! I just wanted the perspective from a friends point of view as this is exactly what his drunk best friend said to me least week . Sorry 😐

Sad,

If you want a proper relationship, tell him that it either develops or you open up the relationship and start seeing others in parallel. And mean it.

His reaction will tell you a lot about him.

How is it progressing emotionally when after several months he’s still avoiding sex with you?

Even if I chose not to have sex with my boyfriend at this stage, I would want to be spending the night together.

If he makes you happy then keep sending him. But see him on your own terms.
Of course he’s going to think less of you and your time if you’re always at his call and gd is always “busy”.

Get busy yourself. Join s club, increase your social circle, see other people, join knitting group, even have an appointment with yourself at a cafe, bar or restaurant. Anything to give you confidence and independence

He may be the greatest guy in the world, but don’t give him the chance to walk all over you.

Well he says that we are having a lovely time together and he introduced me to some family coz he said it felt right for me to meet them! and we had an overnight with some of his friends for a party. He is around my hometown this week so we’ve met yesterday and had a lovely day and he was a gent. Still no progress with the sex thing as he said that as we weren’t in our own place, we couldn’t really do anything but we are cuddling more and getting to know eachother better. I think he is becoming more emotionally attached to me which is nice but I know it bothers him
That I am
Quiet and not great in groups so I do t really talk much whereas he and all his friends are very chatty and outgoing . I thought it was all progress. However we will be in the same town for this full week yet I won’t see him again until next week as he has plans until
Next week. Maybe I let him
Walk all over me by being free but if I don’t, I won’t see Him and he will fill his time elsewhere . He still has excuses for sex but we are intimate on other ways .. hand holding, cuddles, chats etc

It's made me feel really sad for you reading this update because I can tell from reading between the lines you know what so many of us said previously is the way things are and will be.

Just stop being available when he can slot you in like some sort of accessory.
You will get the real measure of him and I promise you you will feel much happier.

He is fucking about (if not literally)

You're being a fool, OP. Listen to everyone on here when we say end this NOW. And probably have some therapy to understand yourself and why you fall into unsuitable relationships.

Please don't delude yourself that having babies and a man will fix things for you. You need professional help to look at your past or you will continue to seek out unhealthy relationships.

This guy will never be what you want him to be. He has made this very clear to you. Your previous "years and years" with a daily drug user meant you were never that guy's priority either. This, plus your dysfunctional family means you probably know what a healthy adult relationship looks like.

Find out how to cherish your self and get out of your rut. I bet your "settled" friends with babies have days when they wonder why they let themselves be tied down so relatively young.

Oh come on OP. You are turning yourself into a desperate doormat, for a man who only wants to see you if he doesn't have a better offer and doesn't want to sleep with you.

Well he spent his weekend with his brother in our hometown who he doesn’t see too often and called into see me on his way back to his actual house . I never saw him all weekend otherwise ! He texts me suck living things and is so excited to see how I’ve made my bedroom really pretty and there’s always lots of affection both on the messaging and when we see eachother . I suppose that I need to accept that this is his idea of a relationship and I must decide whether I am happy with that until he is ready for the next step . It’s still once a week in reality .

What does “called in to see you” mean? How long was he there with you for??

What is “the next step”?
Seeing you for longer before going home?
More often?
Actually staying the night in this pretty bedroom of yours?
Initiating sex because he now feels emotionally involved? (bullshit anyway)

You need to understand that this has nothing to do with what he is “ready for”, and everything to do with what he wants.

I know everyone is different, but honestly... the most usual pattern for a relationship is that you see lots of someone, and then reduce it - not the other way round!

You start off grabbing as much time as you can. (and often sex, too)
Then, it reduces:

• because the crazy excitement dies down a bit
• because you’re comfortable knowing you’ll be seeing each other regularly
• because the impractical decisions to see each other loads aren’t sustainable (you can’t keep up a long drive to work from your boyfriend’s house, you realise you have been to the gym for 3 weeks, your friends check you haven’t died... all of that stuff!)

If he doesn’t want to see lots of you now in the early excitement, what makes you think he’ll want to see more of you in 6 months time?

You don’t want a pen pal and you don’t want a platonic friend who calls in to admire your home decor in passing. You could put a pic of it on Mumsnet and people could coo over it, there’s a section for that.

I’d rather have a man who wanted to stay the night in my bedroom with me and a tired rubbish looking room, than a gorgeous room that my so called boyfriend thought was pretty - as he walked out of it to go home.

Stop accepting the minimum that he’ll throw at you, and tell him what YOU want.

Well he says that we are having a lovely time together

If this is true why are you here canvassing opinion and batting away opinions of other posters that point out red flags.

Maybe I let him walk all over me by being free but if I don’t, I won’t see Him and he will fill his time elsewhere

You know it is all on his terms and you are willing to accept scraps, his is offering you nothing but crumbs of affection to keep you on the hook, you know this and accept this. He wants your attention on him at all times, for you to be available at his convenience but is not willing to offer you more. It is controlling behaviour to treat you like this, sure he is "nice" on the surface but that threat is always there, be available and not have any wants/needs of your own or he will withdraw what scraps of time and affection he offers. You are dealing with an emotionally abusive "nice" man.

He called in to see me for three hours on Sunday on his way back to his house having spent the week at home . He left at nine pm. I’ll see him again on Friday . We live about 30 minutes away from eachother and are free to see eachother every evening. To give you a summary of our last ten days together... he had a family celebration over the first weekend. He kept in contact all weekend . Then we went away on the Tuesday and had a lovely day and night. I met some of his family in a cafe that day for the first time. Then I saw him again on Sunday evening despite being local . All his family were home and he spent all his time with them. They don’t get together very much . as time goes on I see that he is full of romantic talk and plans but actually doesn’t really spend time
With me . It’s hard to hear that you think he is emotionally abusive . I really think he is afraid of commitment and the sex issues are still very prevalent . It seems that he has me where he wants me !

You are really not compatible, he has been open with you about his sexual dysfunction and that he doesn't want to rush into a relationship. You're only four months in and you're talking about babies and settling down and him rescuing you from your 'deadend life' , these things are completely opposite. He's not keen to get too close too soon and you're trying to cling tighter and tighter. Think about being in the shower and holding onto a bar of wet soap in both hands the tighter and tighter you squeeze it the more likely it is to slip from your grasp, until what? Until you pin it into a corner to get hold of it again. He's clearly not that interested and your level of clinginess would be seen as abusive if you were male.

If you want to pretend to yourself that being his non sexual girlfriend whenever he feels like it is OK with you, then fine.

But please (please!) don’t start throwing out phrases like “afraid of commitment”.

So, once you’ve been a doormat long enough he won’t be afraid anymore, right? He’ll then feel more emotionally connected to you, no longer be afraid, and magically find a sex drive, yes?

No.

This man is not afraid of commitment. This man has got exactly what he wants. Someone nice to spend the odd bit of time with - because you’re good company I’m sure, but also possibly because he wants to tick a girlfriend box? But also someone who won’t challenge what he wants, who has been carefully primed not to challenge his lack of sexual interest in them because of him telling you about his past relationships - you challenge it, it’s over.

Whatever you do, just don’t start selling yourself a story about poor damaged little boy who is afraid to commit.

Have you read HJNTIY yet? I think it will help you.

This not a relationship in the normal form, it's simply a friendship. I spent more time than that with my best friend than you are spending with this guy. If he only lives half an hour away there's really no excuse for not seeing eachother more often. My exhusband lived an hour away from me when we met and he worked long hours and he still made the effort to see me several times a week and we'd spend all weekend together. Feel free to stay friends with this guy if that's what you want, but you are really getting nothing more out of it than friendship if there's no sex. If you want a serious relationship and children in your future you need to be looking elsewhere as it's very unlikely this guy is ever going to either want to, or be able to, provide you with what you want longterm.

I really think he is in a relationship with someone else OP, and that you are an affair as far as he is concerned. You aren't involved in his real life at all. What you need to do is concentrate on yourSelf, fall in love with yourself, work out who you are and what you want rather than being an adoring accessory to someone else. You deserve to live your own wonderful life.

I have found counseling of great value in helping me work out who I am and what I want. You are at the beginning of adult life OP without a good frame of reference to help you understand what healthy relationships look and feel like. I suspect you have low self esteem and need to work on this before looking for a relationship. I suspect you will continue to settle for far too little until then. I hope you lift up your eyes and want more for your precious life than this.

Thanks everybody.inreally am beginning to realise that what he says and what he does are two very different things. He fills me with happiness and hope and plans but he actually doesn’t seem keen to spend any worthwhile time with me. I come after everybody else in his life . I did read that book ellisandra and it made me cringe too ! It was very helpful in ways but for some reason , I can’t seperate what he says and what he does.i don’t beloeve that there’s anyone else. He simply does not find women sexually attractive however he spends a lot of time both on messenger and in real life with his best friend and never stops talking about her. But she is married with kids and they have to work together anyway . Although he told me that they are not as close anymore as we are now in a relationship and she has spoken to him about the flaky way she thinks he treats me, in her opinion. He has told me that he is going to be so busy all the way up to Christmas with family and friend nights out and weekend s away so I wonder how that will work for us. He is full of promises so I’ll have to see

He said that he loves that I accept him for who he is and that he has grown fond of me

He means that you don't make any demands on him - or tell him to shape up and stop wasting your fucking time as most women would do.

And FOND? What sort of fanny drying word is that?

Dear OP, I think he's gay and you are the latest in a long line of beards.

Oh lovely, please don't let him leave you sitting waiting all through the Xmas period while he's out having a fantastic time with friends and family.

When I split up with my ex someone sent me a poem. I can't remember it properly but it said don't wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own seeds and grow your own garden. In other words, don't wait for him to bring you a life - make your own fantastic life. You are not as hopeless as you seem to think.

He has told me that he is going to be so busy all the way up to Christmas with family and friend nights out and weekend s away so I wonder how that will work for us

There IS NO US.

He's already priming you for not being around much whilst he sees the people who really do matter to him.