Am I being treated right?

[hippychick2018]

I would appreciate your opinion please. Im in my late 20's, history of a long term relationship with a much older man but who used recreational drugs daily. I was not respected but hung in there for years and years.I met someone new and pursued him. I asked him out in June and have met him once a week?fortnight, alwasys when he says and we do what he wants. He decides what we do, where we go and when. Im very flattered because he is so kind and thoughtful. he is also romantic and generous. However, and this is my problem... it is always on his terms and I come after he has made arrangements with his sports team, family, friends, work etc.I am always available as I dont have much of a relationship with family and my friends are all in the settling down stage of their lives. I have really no interests or hobbies and i hate my job. I feel like Im in a rut. i absolutely love him and would love to get serious but after 4 months, there has been no progress...still meet once a week or fortnight when he is not busy, always on ihis terms.Physically, He isnt very sexual..his words. I am but I dont mind too much right now.He texts and snaps loads.Is there a future in this do you think? Im confused

I dated a man that lived more than 100km away from me and we made huge efforts to see each other. We still did our own thing but typically we saw each other 3+ times a week. There was a time when I didn't have a car and he would drive to me, take me out and drive home over an hour away. If I stayed at his I would leave at 6.30am so I would be in time for work.

If you want to see someone you will make the effort. He isn't making any effort.

@hippychick2018 you don't deserve this but only you can put a stop to it. He won't. Why would he when you make it so easy for him ?

This is no way to be treated. Tell him you've had enough of being kept at arms length and picked up then put down. Tell him to fuck off and play mind games with someone else. Don't get sucked in with the inevitable brief spurt of see I'm not really like that which will last just long enough to get him another few weeks and months of the same shit.

This man will not give you what you want or what you deserve.

He’s not as close to his female friend now?
And yet, he’s close enough for her to be giving opinions on how he treats you?

He’s full of bullshit, love.

• maybe he wants her and you’re his attempt to make her jealous
• maybe he wants her and knows there is no point in evening trying to make her jealous, and you’re a half hearted attempt at distraction
• maybe he’s gay and you’re his cover (the most affectionate of my male friends, if by affectionate you mean cuddly rather than snoggy, are gay)
• maybe he’s asexual and you’re his cover, fed up with family telling him to find a nice girl, or worrying that colleagues think he’s gay
• maybe he’s just got a low sex drive and he doesn’t give a shit what his family and friends think, but likes to think of himself having a girlfriend

Who knows?

What kind of a boyfriend makes sure you know not to complain about him for the next 2 months because he’s too busy to see you?

He’s not busy.
If he’s seeing friends and family - that means he has plenty of leisure time - it’s just that he’s choosing not to spend it with you.

And you can accept that, if that’s your idea of a good boyfriend. But just as I said don’t lie to yourself that he’s “afraid of commitment”, also don’t lie to yourself that he’s just “busy”. He’s not, he’s making choices.

You need to make choices that suit YOU.

I’ve just read up on emotional
Abuse which a poster or two mentioned. I really don’t believe that he is an emotional
Abuser but something is niggling at me... he told me that he likes the natural look.. little make up , natural
Nails and elegant clothes . I would have been very into heavy make up and coloured nails as well as short minidresses when we met. I find now that I am wearing a lot less make up, have nude nails and reds in a more conservative manner. He told me he doesn’t ‘ do’ social media photos, declaration, status updates .. but loads with his friends . He also of course told me what he does and does not to in bed , when we do it, where we do it etc and no public displays of affection. He calls all the shots when we meet and what we do although that seems thoughtful and romantic to me. Now I’m reading about red flags eg manipulation/ control being the hallmarks of emotional abuse and I’m
Beginning to wonder if I am being manipulated or emotionally abused . He spoke to me about a close friend of his who felt they were too attached and when she tried to pull away and create boundaries, he would t allow her that distance as he felt ‘ he couldn’t let her go ‘ now I feel unsettled . Am I being hysterical or is the penny finally dropping

So he doesn’t like how you look, he doesn’t like what you wear, he isn’t interested in what you like sexually (and anyway doesn’t fancy you) and he doesn’t care about your personality and interests (or his wouldn’t be dominating the few and far between dates) and he doesn’t actually want to spend time with you.

Remind me why you like him?

He sounds increasingly sinister, no you’re not hysterical. It’s one thing to be a selfish person making no time for you, it’s abother to criticise you.

Stating a preference for natural nails is just a way of hiding a criticism. If he outright said “fucking hell those red nails make you look chavvy / childish / a slag” you’d tell him to go jump. Instead he tells you that you’re inadequate by saying he “prefers” something.

Sounds like he’s seeing just what he can get away with - and there’s a big risk that will escalate.

You’re already putting up with a LOT from him.

You seem to be the last on his list of priorities. Is that ok for you? What you keep describing as 'amazing' is actually the norm for most relationships, but then unless they live in different countries, most couples try and spend as much time together as they can. The lack of sexual contact is up to you, but I'm afraid I would want a lot, lot more from this relationship. Not the least being a desire to see me often, not as an afterthought once he's seen the rest of the people he'd rather spend time with.

I hit 'post' too soon. Are you ok with the fact that all these other people and hobbies come before seeing you and being with you? Have you spent any time at his house? Does he spend any time at yours?

He just wants to take it really slowly and explained from the outset that he led a very busy life and that was that’s his explanation really . I’ve met some friends and family yes and he comes to my house and we stay there once a week maybe. Other times I stay in his house once a week . If he wasn’t interested in a future with me why would he introduce me to his friends and family?

Op I was the poster that mentioned the emotional abuse, I did not type that lightly or to hurt you, but because in reading what you wrote I recognised some of myself and my own relationships in you. I came from an abusive family background, no close relationships with any of them really and it left me vulnerable to be being further abused in other relationships too, and that is exactly what happened.

If you asked anyone what my partner was like they would all say the same thing, lovely, kind and hard working, a real gentleman and people would often "joke" that he was too good for me and I was not good enough to marry. The truth was very different and I am still in counselling after what happen ( too long and hurtful to go into here) it took me a long time to see what he was really like because if I described some of the problems they were not great offences but in total they were designed to degrade me and make me feel less than him.

The short version of what happened was that He expected to be my priority but I was only ever an option to him, please don't let this happen to you. He is already preparing you for that, the little comments about what you wear, your make up, small changes that add up to you changing yourself to be "good enough", he is setting up a standard you are to meet, but that standard will be always changing. He is dictating every aspect of your contact, all on his terms.
Please take a step back and take care of yourself first.

Just to add that maybe by introducing you to family and friends he is locking you into the current set up, by embedding you into his wider circle it can make it more difficult for you to leave later on.

I reckon he's seeing other women, and you're one of them until he decides.

How many times will you try to keep contextualising or explaining behaviour away that was sufficiently weird or shit so as to warrant this thread in the first place?

Inappreciate your comments, I really do and the overwhelming feeling is that I’m being used . I’m sorry to hear your story Irene , it unnerved me . I didn’t mean to annoy anybody, I have found it hard to get my head round all the different theories that you all have so kindly shared with me , despite much of it being hard to read . What I’ve really tried to get across is how loving and gentle and tender he is when texting and with me, yet he doesn’t really show that he wants to actually see me that often . This is what I’ve really been trying g to get my head around . I know from words he really really likes me but his actions show me different. I wasn’t trying to irritate you eatmycheese. You have all really helped me to sort my thoughts and thank you once again . I am
Grateful x

What is lovely and gentle and tender about telling you that you have to completely change your look to please him?

You can do much, much better. He should give more of a toss, particularly this early in a relationship. I agree with those who suggest counselling to deal with your relationship issues.

Habe you thought that he might be married or have a girlfriend and is just stringing you along ?

Ellisandra thanks for taking such an interest and for your advice from the beginning and to all of you. He never told me that he didn’t like my look etc, he said that he preferred the natural look ie little make up , plain nails etc and would complement me when I had hardly any make up on, elegant clothes and not when I was fully made up and wearing skimpy clothes., in his eyes etc so that’s why I was worried about the control aspect.. he’s zeefinitely not married and I really really doubt the affair thing. He just isn’t sexual. He definitely has serious emotional connection with another woman though, a friend.. or at least did until she told him she wanted no iznvolvement in it ie she is his confidante normally.. or was.

"He simply does not find women sexually attractive " Your quote OP is very telling. I would be incredibly wary.
Sounds a bit like my story.When I was 18 i met a gorgeous guy, everything I wanted but he was the same regarding sex. He made up excuses all the time.Worried about contraception, too tired etc but was very affectionate.We planned our engagement party and the night before he told me that although he loved me, he was gay and in love with his boss.
Not saying your partner is though.
Take care, I hope you are ok.

@hippychick2018 you aren’t irritating me. I just think you deserve better

The preferring the natural look, my exh was the same, when I met him he didn't like nail polish or lipstick and preferred no makeup. But I ignored that, I wore makeup every single day that I was with him. It's only in the last 6 years that I've stopped wearing makeup, that I feel ok with showing my bare face in public. He can have a preference, many men do, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

He doesn’t criticise my nails/ hair or make up. He just doesn’t comment when I’m done like that. He does comment when I’m natural so that’s why o feel uncomfortable when he doesn’t compliment me when I’ve had lots of make up or painted nails etc. I thought it was normal not to please my boyfriend as such but for example he doesn’t like make up on his pillow or like kissing me with a face full of make up which I understand too. I’m extremely young looking for my age too.. very babyish face so make up makes me look more grown up especially when he is six years older than me and looks old for his age .

You have been given lots of advice and opinions.

I don't think there is anything left to tell you, everything has been said. It's now up to you.

Hang on in there by all means, hoping that things will change.

How long will you wait for?

Another year?

Another five years?

If this "relationship" was making you happy you would not have posted in here.

And while people might be happy seeing a man who doesn't find women sexually attractive, and who by the looks of things won't be able to fit in a date with you until after Christmas, I don't think you are.

Personally I think it's a lost cause, and you should be not wasting another moment of your young life on this man.

Thanks for your response. Yes I’ve received great advice . I will talk to him about his plans for us as far as he is concerned and tell him mine as I see them .

Good luck!
Just be sure that you are clear in your own mind what are your “plans for us”.
Because it seems like he has been very good at stating what he wants, and you have not. I cannot imagine the conversation where he got to dictate the exact type of sex you can have!

And please be careful about changing yourself to what he wants.
Even if he likes natural make up, the right man for you would choose you in full slap over any other woman in natural subtle shades.

My husband bloody loves stocking. I know this so sometimes I wear them. But most often he comes home to me in my casual clothes - and he still loves me, fancies me and compliments me. Yes, I might get a very vocal response to the stockings, but he’ll also say “you even make PJs look good”.