My partner keeps waking the whole house.

[ThaiRedCurry]

This is one very sleepy house. I have a 5 month old who is a terrible sleeper, a toddler who thinks 5am is a reasonable time to get up in the morning and my partner who is in the police works shifts.
When he is on a late he finishes at around 1am. He comes in the front door and then slams it behind him. Turns on the landing light and the hall and then I hear him in the kitchen. Opening the microwave, reheating tea, slamming microwave door and then pulling out the kitchen chair. Once that's done he comes up the stairs and switches on the bathroom light. Leaves the door open, has a shower uses the toilet and flushes it. Then if this isn't already enough he dumps bag in the babies room (we only have a 3 bed so lots of storage in a wardrobe in babies room) and often even turns on the light in there for good measure. I try not to get pissed off but by this point we are all awake and I then have to get up and settle everyone and try get back to sleep myself.
Should I stop grumbling or is there a way I can approach this subject with him.
I'm so sleep deprived

Thing is, there are odd instances where my fiance exhibits selfish prick behaviour, but he's not a wholesale selfish prick. Partly thoughtlessness as opposed to thorough selfishness, partly that he doesn't quite have the social life he would like, and gets a bit over exuberant on the rare occasions he gets to let loose.

However, two main things separate that from this:

1. I have no hesitation in telling him when his behaviour is daft or selfish, and he liekwise wholeheartedly apologises.
2. He is a wonderful partner in many other ways - which the OP hasn't really expanded upon.

My DH’s dad would do things like this, and he was a total bully, very self-obsessed, resentful of the fact that life dared carry on in the house without him. That kids had made a mess, that food had been eaten, etc. My MIL worked herself like a dog trying to keep the peace and all his children wound up hating him.

He's doing it deliberately isn't he? There's no way anyone could be that much of a prick by accident.

Having a stressful job is no excuse for disturbing you at 1am. He may well not realise how noisy he is being but you must tell him.

He should be sneaking in as quiet as a mouse! Please do encourage your toddler to have a lie in too, 5am is not an acceptable time to wake.

I would have spoken to him by now. Because if I hadn't, I would be getting the hoover out at 5am. On his face.

is there a way I can approach this subject with him.

Do you mean you've never actually raised this with him?

@Scrumplestiltskin it's a shame that this sort of thing happens. There seems to have been a flurry of threads started and then deleted lately.

You are married to a police officer but did cocaine?

Should I stop grumbling or is there a way I can approach this subject with him

Do you mean you've never actually raised this with him?

Some people have such weird relationships don't they? The first time it happened I'd "approach the subject" by talking to my OH, like most people do! A simple "can you not be so noisy in the middle of the night, you woke the baby", should be enough for any normal person.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Bad form? Let me help you off your high horse

Very relevant

If the OP is drinking very heavily and taking drugs, then it dominates relationships and frame of mind

Plus she’s taking drugs and her husband is a police officer

I can't believe that you've let this carry on! I'd have a word with him and just point how he is disturbing the entire house and he needs to be quiet and not turn on lights.

I am frankly amazed that you have to post on here and ask advice for something that is so blatantly obvious.

A 5 month old and a toddler? And you're getting "shitfaced" mid week and taking coke? Shame on you OP...

Sort yourself out, your DC deserve better. Your DP sounds just as charming as you do.

The putting on a light in baby's room is bizzare and awful.

Other than that, personally, I don't think he's in the wrong as such, though he could do things quieter. Shower with the door shut, close doors etc.

But, him coming in late can't be helped - it's work. Equally, your toddler getting you up at 5am can't be helped. I wonder how the noise from the Op (and more crucially toddler) at 5am compares to the husband at 1am.

Does the Op go into the kitchen, sit on chairs, make a cuppa? Does she flush the toilet? Or (in winter) does she sit in the dark and silence with her toddler, or take them straight out to the park, so as not to disturb the sleeping husband.

I don't think it's reasonable that she creeps around early morning, but equally, he should be able to unwind a little after work, eat some food etc.

This is the sort of situation which can easily descend into each person being less considerate, because the other person is being, rather than both trying to work out how not to disturb each other.

this is PRECISELY the sort of scenario which I imagine led to this situation....

Lioness kills father of her kids

How long have you lived together? Is this a regular occurrence? If it is then why on earth haven't you told him to be more respectful of those sleeping in the house before now??? If my dh did this even once he'd know I wasn't happy with him!!

I get up at 530 every morning to go to work and manage to shower/toilet/dry hair/eat breakfast without waking anybody in the house - it takes a bit of thought on my part but it's not difficult ffs

Why do people need to ask people on mumsnet about how to ask their partner a perfectly reasonable question.

I’m also a police officer and come in late. I’m as quiet as I possibly can be but I wake h every time I come to bed as he is an ultra light sleeper. But I do my best and that’s the difference.

I came on here to offer advise like 'take the frigging bulbs out of the overhead light in the baby's room and upstairs landing' and 'does he usually use the loo/shower with the door open?' but in light of wonder's c&p (which I think is relevant) I think this is a toxic relationship.

Op has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and sees no problem with Class A drugs. The 'D'H (IMO) is losing respect for her, and simply doesn't care that he wakes her up, or the kids.

OP - I try to live in a relationship where we are both happy neither of you is happy now.

OP -

My husband and I are both police officers. We often work opposing shifts. We have consideration for each other and our family, therefore we don't find ourselves in the position you're in. Bollock him or move out.

Also, doing coke when married to a copper puts him in an impossible position and can cost him his job. Nice one yeah.

I understand Mumsnet etiquette about referring to other threads, but I too think this is relevant.

Taking class A drugs is a serious matter.

It also put's the OPs OH in a risky situation.

He could lose his job, livelihood, perhaps even their home if money becomes tight.

This is a far bigger issue than a noisy bedtime routine.

OP, I think you are being unfair to XiCi. They are right in what they've said. Unless your DH is deaf, there is no way he doesn't know what he is doing. And that, proves he is selfish or at the barest minimum, he just doesn't think. It doesn't matter if his job is stressful or not, there is no need to SLAM doors at 1am, please do not tell us he doesn't hear his own slams and he doesn't realise what he is doing. Because it would be a worry that someone that dumb would be in the force.

And NO ONE said you had to 'bark' at him. ALL you have to do is tell him in a soft voice to keep the noise down. That is all!

So tell him to settle the kids he just woke. He'll soon pack it in.

Yikes, that is one interesting turn of events. What a fucked up family.

Youd think a police officer would have more compassion.