My partner keeps waking the whole house.

[ThaiRedCurry]

This is one very sleepy house. I have a 5 month old who is a terrible sleeper, a toddler who thinks 5am is a reasonable time to get up in the morning and my partner who is in the police works shifts.
When he is on a late he finishes at around 1am. He comes in the front door and then slams it behind him. Turns on the landing light and the hall and then I hear him in the kitchen. Opening the microwave, reheating tea, slamming microwave door and then pulling out the kitchen chair. Once that's done he comes up the stairs and switches on the bathroom light. Leaves the door open, has a shower uses the toilet and flushes it. Then if this isn't already enough he dumps bag in the babies room (we only have a 3 bed so lots of storage in a wardrobe in babies room) and often even turns on the light in there for good measure. I try not to get pissed off but by this point we are all awake and I then have to get up and settle everyone and try get back to sleep myself.
Should I stop grumbling or is there a way I can approach this subject with him.
I'm so sleep deprived

I’d be embarrassed to be with someone so stupid quite frankly.

What idiot turns a light on when there’s a sleeping baby in the room?

As OP has to resettle everyone then clearly it’s obviously him. Unless he’s blind, deaf and generally ignorant.

Put those big girl pants on OP.

As you love your DH and he is a reasonable chap, just have a word with him. Dont ask this lot, they'll have you divorce him.

I appreciate you love him and care for him.
But he is an absolute selfish prick with zero consideration for his partner and children.

OP does he work late all the time or does it vary?

If you want to raise it gently, you could open with “How are we going to organise things differently so you don’t wake the kids when you come in after a late shift?”

Does he appear to be surprised that the entire family is awake 15 minutes after he gets home?! You know he is BU.

He turns the lights fully on in the baby’s room whilst the baby is sleeping?? WTF?!

What he is doing is fully intentional. Unless he is an abusive monster who you are scared of I am staggered that you haven’t had a discussion with him about this and told him to stop it immediately.

Sounds like he’s doing it to make a point, a bit like a petulant child would when something hasn’t gone their way. He’s angry you’re in bed and he’s been at work to me so wants you to be woken up too. It’s really so childish and also petty. Have words with him, I’m amazed you haven’t already.

Not quite the same, but I used to start work at 7.00am, I would get up at 5, take both dogs out for a walk, get home, run a bath (no shower) and get ready for work then leave. I didn’t wake anyone up, 3 kids or dp who is a very light sleeper. He is being selfish.

I also think I would be inclined to get up and close the bathroom door when he has his shower (possibly quite loudly!), and ask him to do that in future. That’s a very small thing that would be very easy for him to do.

Im sorry but after reading and rereading your post i feel you have bigger problems here in your relationship than him just waking people up. The whole picture painted. The deliberate waking (most parents tiptoe around in the dark when kids are sleeping - even drunk ones lol). Leaving you to then deal with everything. Not acknowledging that he has woken everyone and made you get up. The fact that you wont or havent even broached the subject with him sounds like an abusive relationship.

Wow, I am a very calm person but I can promise you that there would be no way DP would do that more than once.

He wakes them up, he gets them back to sleep

What's he like in general op? Is he normally considerate of his family and their needs?

My husband works shifts and tries his very best to not wake myself and the kids. If he's on an early shift he will lay his clothes out in the living room and dress in there , if he's home late creeps around and keeps the lights low.

He should have no problem modifying his behaviour if you ask him to.

How long have you been putting up with this? I just don't understand why you haven't said anything? As a PP said, hasn't he noticed that you're all awake after his middle of the night crashing and banging?

My DH leaves very early for work and manages to do all the things he needs to do without waking us all up.

Have to agree with everyone else that he is being an inconsiderate idiot

I don't understand how he doesn't realise he's being noisy.

He goes in the babies room and puts the light on !

He flushed loo etc with door open and light on.

Are just two of the examples. I'm confused.

I feel sorry for you OP. You seem conditioned to believe that his behaviour is normal and just annoying. It's really not normal for a parent to get home from work at 1am and make so much noise etc that their spouse and small children are woken up.

The way you have described his behaviour makes him sound obnoxious and arrogant. Of course he can see that he's woken you all up, it won't be a surprise

Im a police officer and come in at unsocial times. We have a dog and a 4 year old. Sometimes after a stressful shift i need a bit of downtime and space to process it. This means i cant go to bed as soon as i get in. To avoid waking anyone i sometimes go for a walk or a long drive so that when i do come in im ready to go to bed. Other nights i just sit in the dark for half an hour. If i feel i need to shower i do it at work and i dont go in the kitchen at all.
He has a stressful job but there are ways to manage that and still be reasonable when you come home. I very rarely wake anyone and if i do its a total accident. To wake you every shift is inconsiderate and i cant help but think its a bit deliberate. Does he talk to you after hes woken you? Some shifts im almost relieved that DH is awake as i need to speak. Mostly though im glad hes asleep as i dont want to have to say anything. There must be a reason hes doing it and i think waiting till you are both awake and have some time to speak is the best way of getting to the bottom of it.

This is incredibly selfish behaviour. Everything does seem louder at night though. Our toddler is an incredibly light sleeper so we tip toe around when she's in bed. I've tried to close the microwave door quietly but it just isn't possible with our one. Our front door lock is also ridiculously loud! My husband gets up very early for work and we very rarely hear him as he does everything he can to be quiet. Why your dh thinks it's ever ok to turn the light on in a sleeping baby's room though!!!!! You're right to not want to argue about it in the middle of the night you're a better woman than me but you need to resolve this. Him having a stressful job doesn't make this ok. Maybe show him this thread? Your children deserve an undisturbed nights sleep, as do you!

Of course he realises his disruptive his actions are, unless he has additional needs? He can see that you are being woken, he can see his children are being woken, he can see that you are then having to settle them. I’m baffled as to how you can’t see that?

Has he been doing this over a long period or has it just started? I agree he is very inconsiderate and possibly also a prick. Even as teenagers my DDs knew to come in quietly after waitress shifts or nights out. It is only respectful to the others in the house. My DH gets up very early for work and has honed his getting up and leaving quietly to perfection. That is because he is a nice and decent man. Yours sounds neither.

Can he not come in and kip on the sofa until the rest of the household is up rather than charging through the house like a rhino? Once people are up and awake at a normal hour then he could have a shower etc and get a few hours sleep in bed?

How does he react if you wake him when he's catching up on sleep after a late shift? Because if he expects his family to be silent then unfortunately you have a big problem here.

Sounds like he's doing it on purpose

It sounds like "The MAN is home, all hail The MAN for he has been WORKING" and sod everyone else in the house including his dc.

He's not being a prick. He's being a total cunt.

I try to live in a relationship where we are both happy

He doesn’t though, does he? He seems to be trying to live in a relationship where he’s happy. If you want both of you to be happy you need to be happy too. You don’t know the nature of man until you have said “no” to him.

You’re not a “saint” or a “better person” for putting up with this.

@XiCi made some valid points, he sounds incredibly selfish.
At any time, day or night, I would be voicing my concern for my baby, and toddler.