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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner keeps waking the whole house.

240 replies

ThaiRedCurry · 23/10/2018 06:22

This is one very sleepy house. I have a 5 month old who is a terrible sleeper, a toddler who thinks 5am is a reasonable time to get up in the morning and my partner who is in the police works shifts.
When he is on a late he finishes at around 1am. He comes in the front door and then slams it behind him. Turns on the landing light and the hall and then I hear him in the kitchen. Opening the microwave, reheating tea, slamming microwave door and then pulling out the kitchen chair. Once that's done he comes up the stairs and switches on the bathroom light. Leaves the door open, has a shower uses the toilet and flushes it. Then if this isn't already enough he dumps bag in the babies room (we only have a 3 bed so lots of storage in a wardrobe in babies room) and often even turns on the light in there for good measure. I try not to get pissed off but by this point we are all awake and I then have to get up and settle everyone and try get back to sleep myself.
Should I stop grumbling or is there a way I can approach this subject with him.
I'm so sleep deprived Confused

OP posts:
Kickassbitch · 23/10/2018 07:36

I did this job for 6 years, I worked shifts like that, I was stressed too. However I never did that, he's being an utter tit.

There is no excuse for acting like that.

BiscuitDrama · 23/10/2018 07:40

Does even not comment at the time, “oh are you still up?” and then you would answer “No, I was asleep but the door (or whatever) woke me”.

That would be the normal sequence of events in our house?

RedSkyLastNight · 23/10/2018 07:42

Does he maybe not realise how loud he is? And equally, he may not actually be as loud as he sounds - but everything sounds worse when the house is quiet ifyswim?

DH used to get really annoyed with us for "stomping about downstairs" when he was trying to sleep. We were actually walking normally, but for him not to hear "stomping" we would have to literally tip toe about.

EleanorLavish · 23/10/2018 07:43

It's the fact that he then gets in to bed and leaves the OP to settle the kids that does it for me. Surely as he is up he can settle them?Getting in at 1am isn't the same as doing an entire night shift.

Volant · 23/10/2018 07:43

Surely he's aware he's woken everyone when he sees you get up to settle them? Has he really not worked out some basic cause and effect there?

Biancadelriosback · 23/10/2018 07:44

I love that people pile on and call this man every name under the sun when they only know a couple of small details about him.
@OP I agree with the PP who said to let him settle the baby. Id also be less inclined to be quiet when getting up with the toddler at 5am. I'd be mean and let toddler have a quick bounce on the bed too

0lgaDaPolga · 23/10/2018 07:46

We have a ‘you wake it you take it’ policy in this house, so if he wakes the baby up you should hand them over as his responsibility to get back to sleep. Crashing around the house at 1am waking people up isn’t on. Especially going into the baby’s room.

EleanorLavish · 23/10/2018 07:46

Should have added, if this was 'accidental' surely he would settle the kids. It's the fact he leaves you to do it that smacks of a deliberate act to me. Any normal person would think, Oh, I've woken the kids, I'll settle them", but he snuggles down and leaves you to it!
Do not be afraid of getting angry about this.

Sisgal · 23/10/2018 07:47

@biancadelrios you sound very naive

Mix56 · 23/10/2018 07:55

This is intentional, showering with the door open, switching on the light inbaby's room
Its like a dog marking its territory.
I'm the master, this is my house, I earn the salary,
he is deliberately dominating.

Clutterbugsmum · 23/10/2018 07:56

I would have 1 final conversation with him, that if he can not come in after work quietly and not wake the whole household I would be as noisy and inconsiderate as he is when I get up at 5am.

I suspect he doing it because you are not up when he gets in after work, and he doesn't like it.

I would explain to him that being selfish and waking you and the children up every night is not on, and not doing anything for your relationship other then causing resentment.

And as of tonight he will not slam the front door, turn on all the lights on, crash around the kitchen. He will shut the bathroom door when he uses it and while he is showering. And under no circumstance will he go into the baby room. He can leave his bag in the kitchen until the morning. He will get any thing he needs from the children's rooms before he goes into work.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 23/10/2018 07:57

My husband works til midnight, my DD and I can happily sleep through him coming home, making tea and using the bathroom because he is considerate enough to keep fucking quiet.

He woke me up once pre-DD getting up for his day shift at 6am. I grumbled "what time is it?" and when he told me I grumbled more loudly "fuck that, don't wake me when you get up" and mostly he hasn't ever since.

I wouldn't be able to not comment at 1am if I had to get up cos he was crashing around. Even a quick "be quiet!"

speakout · 23/10/2018 07:57

I have one of these too OP.

He clatters about. He is a night owl, and would decide to empty te dishwasher at 1am.
He has not perfected the art of closing doors gently or how to put on a light switch without a click.

To be fair he has ASD, and genuinely doesn't think what the impact is most of the time, but we now have an agreement about activities while people are sleeping.

Downstairs toilet only. No kitchen work after 11pm, upstairs bathroom is out of bounds- he keeps his toothbrush in the kitchen.

It's a pain having to micromanage, but otherwise he is a doting father and a kind and gentle husband.

I feel your pain OP, but you need to spaek to your OH.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 23/10/2018 08:03

Why are you so meek that you have to ask? It's rule 1, page 1 of parenting to not wake a sleeping baby. There's a pretty weird dynamic in your relationship if he thinks that's ok and you haven't even mentioned it to him. Is he being passive aggressive? Is he punishing you because he has to work? I can't believe he's unaware of his actions.

Weird shit.

Celebelly · 23/10/2018 08:04

Is he just incredibly dense? Why in the name of all that is holy would you turn the light on in a sleeping baby's room?!

I used to work late and come home when my DP was asleep and I made every effort not to wake him. He sounds just incredibly inconsiderate – he obviously knows he's waking you all up, but apparently doesn't care? I'd be livid.

CurlsandCurves · 23/10/2018 08:04

Just talk to him about it! What are you so reluctant to talk to him?

This could be easily sorted in one conversation.

needsanewname · 23/10/2018 08:06

I can't believe how defensive you're being over him.. he is a prick, a selfish one at that.

It's bad enough waking you up but 2 babies?! There's absolutely no need for him to do all of that.. especially put a bag in the babies room, why can't he just leave it downstairs or outside the room until the morning? 

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/10/2018 08:08

If he really woke all the household up, there's your opportunity to address it in the morning. Take cup of tea and wake him up. How long did it take to settle baby and other DC ?

Just say to him this morning. "Honey you woke the baby, me and child up with your loud noises last night at 1am. Can you think how you could be quieter? Do you think turning full lights in in baby's room is conducive to letting her sleep?" And I'd be calmly saying "If you wake DC and baby up again when you come in in early hours, I will NOT be getting up to settle them. You'll need to settle them both back to sleep, it isn't baby's feed time so don't bring her to me. I will only get up when it is her feed time (if baby is EBF/ if not EBF, say )/ you'll have to feed her if you can't restyle her otherwise need be... Don't disturb me, sleep is precious when you have a baby, don't get into bed until children are settled. I think you'll realise how much easier it is to be quiet instead"

Let him feel consequences of his actions.

If he refuses and expects you to deal with his having woken children unreasonably in middle of night, whilst he gets straight into bed, then you do have a OH problem. And PPs would be correct about him.

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/10/2018 08:09

*resettle baby not restyle Grin

DaffydownClock · 23/10/2018 08:09

Having a stressful job doesn't preclude him behaving like a thoughtless, selfish prick OP!
I'm gobsmacked that you're taking umbrage at the universal responses on here that he's 100% in the wrong, my DH would have been under the patio long ago if he'd done this.
If my DS and his young family can come in, settle two DCs and sort themselves out in the middle of the night without waking me then I'm pretty sure your DH can.

PoxAlert · 23/10/2018 08:10

What a selfish arsehole.

You're sound scared of him going off on one if you talk to him. Sounds like he's used to doing whatever he wants and you letting him.

This is a total power play him making a show of getting in from work. "Look at me. I'm home from my important job."

My husband works hard too. But wouldn't dare get in once we're asleep and make noise, he loves us and wants us to sleep well. He even uses a manual toothbrush instead of the electric if I'm asleep already.

BarryTheKestrel · 23/10/2018 08:10

Unless he's just started this job or just started nights I assume this has been going on for a long time? If so why haven't you said anything before now?

My DH slams the door whenever he comes in, he just doesn't seem to know how to close it quietly even when reminded to not slam it so I understand that one.

The other bits are just unthinking. For kitchen stuff he needs to be quieter and shut the kitchen door if you have one. Bathroom, he needs to shut the door to keep noise to a minimum. His bag needs to be stored elsewhere when he's on nights. Leave it downstairs until someone gets up in the morning.

He also needs to settle the kids if he wakes them. He must know he's being loud by the fact that everyone is awake and needs resettling. Presumably when he isn't on nights everyone sleeps well and doesn't need resettling in the middle of the night, therefore he must see the pattern that he's on lates and everyone wakes up.

You need to talk to him OP and get things changed now before you do end up losing it with him.

Biancadelriosback · 23/10/2018 08:10

@sisgal care to explain?

hendricksy · 23/10/2018 08:12

Don't bark at him at 1 am . Talk to him when he is off work . What a dick though !! My dh often comes home late in silence and the dark ! Not that difficult !

dreamyflower · 23/10/2018 08:12

Omg I would have killed him already. My DH leaves at 5am and is now practiced in creeping around the house so not to wake DS. He did shower with door open once and radio on... but I spoke to him and he hasn't done it since. Have a chat with him ASAP

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