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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner keeps waking the whole house.

240 replies

ThaiRedCurry · 23/10/2018 06:22

This is one very sleepy house. I have a 5 month old who is a terrible sleeper, a toddler who thinks 5am is a reasonable time to get up in the morning and my partner who is in the police works shifts.
When he is on a late he finishes at around 1am. He comes in the front door and then slams it behind him. Turns on the landing light and the hall and then I hear him in the kitchen. Opening the microwave, reheating tea, slamming microwave door and then pulling out the kitchen chair. Once that's done he comes up the stairs and switches on the bathroom light. Leaves the door open, has a shower uses the toilet and flushes it. Then if this isn't already enough he dumps bag in the babies room (we only have a 3 bed so lots of storage in a wardrobe in babies room) and often even turns on the light in there for good measure. I try not to get pissed off but by this point we are all awake and I then have to get up and settle everyone and try get back to sleep myself.
Should I stop grumbling or is there a way I can approach this subject with him.
I'm so sleep deprived Confused

OP posts:
serenmoon · 23/10/2018 07:07

It’s a bit strange that you haven’t mentioned anything to him about this already if it isn’t the first time. If baby is awake then he must know that it’s him who has woken baby. I’d make him settle them back to sleep but I’d also tell him to be quiet from now on.

Candlelights2345 · 23/10/2018 07:08

You need to tell him to be quieter when he comes in, ie creeping into the kitchen, not slamming doors. Say, do you realise you’re so loud when you come, you’re waking us all.
Why on earth is he dumping bags in the babies room? Is he trying to wake them up?

SlothSlothSloth · 23/10/2018 07:08

OP sorry if the above sounds harsh but you need to realise putting up with this treatment in a relationship is NOT normal at all - as so many of the shocked responses here show. Please think long and hard about why you do. Your relationship does not sound fair and equal if you are unwilling to broach something so basic with him. There is no shame in realising your relationship is not equal. Many of us have been in your shoes.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2018 07:08

A) you didn't need to ask. Of course his behaviour is totally unreasonable.
B) of course he knows what he's doing.
C) why haven't you already told him
D) whatt did you expect the answers to be? Of course hes a selfish git

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 23/10/2018 07:09

My dp is quieter than that on the rare occasion he has been out drinking. No way would I tolerate the whole house being woken up. I agree with @rjay123, he definitely knows what he is doing.

Morgan12 · 23/10/2018 07:11

He must be doing this deliberately. Therefore he is being extremely selfish and childish. He seems to thinks it's ok to wake his two young children at this time and I cannot understand this mentality at all. I would be absolutely livid.

Ohheyyy · 23/10/2018 07:11

I can't believe you haven't said anything to him yet, you've just been getting up and dealing with the fallout of his selfish behaviour.

Speak to him for goodness sake. Tell/remind/point out how disruptive hi behaviour is and tell him what to do to stop it as he obviously isn't capable of working it out himself.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 23/10/2018 07:11

My husband is a police officer and has never behaved like this because he is aware we are asleep and isn't self absorbed. Also, if he did this even once, even before we had kids, I'd be telling him the day after that it absolutely was not on that he woke me up

ArthurShelbysTash · 23/10/2018 07:11

My partner works odd shifts and comes home in the middle of the night totally undetected. Even by the dog. I leave a lamp on in the kitchen, maybe that would help? A couple of dim lamps to stop the "big lights" going on?

Often, I wake up in the morning and find my OH in bed and have no idea when he came home!

But, yeah. He's being a dick.

Loopytiles · 23/10/2018 07:12

You have been passive so far on this, to your and DCs’ detriment. Why? Why have you given higher priority to him making noise than your and the DCs’ sleep?

Having a stressful job and working unsocial hours isn’t a licence to be noisy and wake up the family, which is selfish and inconsiderate.

You say partner rather than husband. Hope you’re not financially reliant on him.

Sisgal · 23/10/2018 07:12

You are bringing this on yourself. Selfish of your H to wake up whole house and you are selfish as mother to allow him to wake up your children. Its a pretty simple solution to this and its quite simply telling your H to have some bloody respect for the people who are asleep in the house when he gets home....the fact you seem unwilling to tell your H to have common decency for the household, does to me suggest that you are scared of your H

Frouby · 23/10/2018 07:13

We had a rule in our house following similar thoughtless and bloody selfish behaviour from DH.

You wake him, you take him.

Soon made him think a bit more about how loud he was, especially when baby ds was weaned and he could no longer pass him to me to bf.

DH is knocking up 6ft, a builder and built like a brick shithouse. He soon learnt to tiptoe and whisper, leave his clothes downstairs and navigate from the light left on in the bathroom.

Juells · 23/10/2018 07:16

LTB

ny20005 · 23/10/2018 07:19

Speak to him - if he doesn't think he's loud, record him on your phone

My dh works shifts & for some reason can't gently close doors, just pulls them shut behind him - other than that he's quiet & my kids are older & wouldnt wake if there was an earthquake 😜

53rdWay · 23/10/2018 07:19

But surely he knows you and the children wake up when he does this?

Speak to him during the day if you’re worried that you’ll unreasonably lose it at him if you say something in the night. But honestly, you’d be well within your rights to bark at him.

MysteriousQuinn · 23/10/2018 07:23

OP there is a difference between picking your battles to keep the relationship happy and being a doormat! What he is doing is really selfish.

7yo7yo · 23/10/2018 07:23

You didn’t like XiCis words because they’re true.
It’s a selfish prick who wakes his partner and kids at 1am regularly.

Therewearethen1 · 23/10/2018 07:24

My husband works shifts, as do I when not on maternity leavd, and I have similar aged children to you He has 70% hearing loss and doesn't always wear his hearing aids so is incredibly loud when coming in and leaving for work. I've told him numerous times and he still attempts to quieten down so I'm sure your husband can cope. I am also incredulous that you've not broached this before

flumpybear · 23/10/2018 07:25

He's being selfish, explain, also tell him to settle the children he wakes up, not you!

My husband is the same, we have lots of discussions and he often deflects it back to me which really annoys me

CartwheelCath · 23/10/2018 07:25

I'd suggest he leaves his bag elsewhere such as tge halleay - one if you can put it awatmy when they get uo with baby.
Low level night lights - you can plug some into electric sockets- for the landing.
Shoering - Can he have 1 at work before leaving or insist he closes bathroom door.
Dinner - close kitchen door and reminder notes to be as quiet as possible

I work shifts. Om hell of alot quieter getting up at 1.40am and getting read6 5o go than I am when I come home at 3.30am. It because I've been up and on the go. Although I'm tired I'm not as noise sensitive and still on a bit of s work buzz as opposed to waking up and not being fully raring to go iykwim. Maybe he does not realise how loud he actually is - although he must realise everyone's awake??

I would start with a chat next time he's home and wjwn you can have a good chat about it and if he still kept on then I'd be losing my shit.

CantWaitToRetire · 23/10/2018 07:29

Should I stop grumbling or is there a way I can approach this subject with him.

You should stop grumbling on here and start broaching this with your partner immediately. You don’t have to ‘bark’ at him at 1am. Wait until the next day and have a calm conversation about it. Explain how his selfish behaviour is affecting you and the children and suggest steps he could take to be quieter. If he refuses to adapt then you should give him a taste of his own medicine and make lots of noise at 5am when the toddler awakes, and turn the light on in your bedroom to find something. It’s bad enough that you’re putting up with this for yourself, but to allow him to do this to your children is unacceptable.

Of course the flip side is, does he get woken up by you and the children when you’re all up, having breakfast, showering, etc and he’s childishly getting his own back?

SuperstarDJ · 23/10/2018 07:29

I’d have had strong words the first time he did it never mind letting it drag on.

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 23/10/2018 07:30

DH works shifts and is as quiet as a mouse. There’s no need for any noise or door slamming or chair scraping or anything.

BIWI · 23/10/2018 07:30

I think the OP has gone - doesn't like hearing the truth about her selfish prick of a husband Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 23/10/2018 07:34

Talk to him in the daytime, calmly but firmly.

Tell him that any child he wakes, he settles - and mean it. You'll have an uncomfortable night or two when he acts like you didn't mean it and you have a stand-off. Stand your ground.

Recognise that wanting 'everyone to be happy' includes you and doens't mean 'tiptoeing around him for fear of upsetting him, because you both agree he's more important than anyone else', as is clearly the case at present.

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