Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

I much prefer when my black friends have their hair short and natural, it suits them best and they seem more relaxed. I can see why with all of those costs! It's bewildering that it's holding you back (WHAT YEAR ARE WE IN!), but of course I believe it. I hope you find a solution soon.

I'm mid 40s and grey after stopping colouring it - I don't care what other people think tbh, but few have actually complimented me on it, the ones who have have tended to be younger women.

I much prefer when my black friends have their hair short and natural, it suits them best and they seem more relaxed.

Who made you dictator of how black women style their hair and what suits them best? Bloody cheek.

I only two people with weaves - all the rest are natural - and look great/are successful. (The two who have weaves are young though - 20's). Maybe age, confidence and being in London help make that choice.

Grey hair is another choice. (Applies to all races). Do we or don't we?

Wow I doubt they are all natural. It is rare to see natural black hair and I live in a very diverse area.

PS - I think mostly other people don't give a shit who wears their hair how.

Funnily enough I don't believe I'm the dictator of all black women and their hair choices relic, I was talking about my particular friends and my opinion of it, which I offered in response to the OP. I'm not dictating to anyone, and that wasn't my intention. Individual choice and all that, I wasn't referring to all women.

OP I have natural hair, I transitioned about 6 years ago, I wear my hair how I want and I feel free

I did it kind of by accident on purpose...my relaxer had grown out significantly, my salon charged too much, my girls were getting older and I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and I was fed up of putting chemicals into my body.

My hair is very long and quite wild at times, a devil to detangle, I tend to wear it back at work and out when I'm not at work it's like a disguise

I get complements at work and the odd annoying Shaka Khan reference (when it's out), I'm a civil servant so no problems actually I'd love to see someone try to say anything about my hair styles

People will always judge you, the facts are it's the hair growing out the top of your head! If a person does judge you based on that then you don't need that type of person in your life.

Don't forget your daughter will follow your example too, I'm so glad I stuck it out for mine

Rock wot you got!!

@abacucat if you saw my black SIL and some of the black ladies I have worked with you would accuse them of "doing something" to their hair when in fact their wavy and curly hair is natural. I had discussions with them soon after I went natural about how some other black people accuse those with hair that differs from theirs of not having natural hair. Not all of us have thick afro hair like the Jacksons.

OP a couple of the posters have pointed out you have a self-esteem issue and I agree with them.

In regards to recruitment agencies unfortunately their actions are frequently racist and have always been. I thought it had diminished at the less skilled end but talking to the younger people I know it still continues. Employers use them to hide their own racist views and recruitment practices so the reason you aren't getting work from them is because they decide you are just another young black woman not because of your hair. Due to the comments my family and friends' have overheard some hirers have quotas of how many non-white faces they employ and not in a good way.

Even in my industry in London I have found I've done work for companies that don't have one black face until I turn up. (I get some of my work by networking.) There as I've done work for companies whose main office is outside of London and they have a diverse workforce.

The thing is though, the lack of confidence is not just due to nebulous mysterious reasons. Surely te knowledge that some people hate you/think negatively about you, before they have ever even met you would chip away at anyone. Moreso the fact that you never know who is a normal rational person and who is judging you on the colour of your skin.

The thing is you need to stop giving a crap about people who obviously are morally and mentally lax, of course if you dwell on this your confidence will suffer...but it's not your problem it's theirs...in fact you could actually feel pity for them because they are losing out on life, love and good friendships...don't let people who hate you control your self esteem don't give them that power ever ...the problem is not yours...not everyone will like you and so be it...It's not your fault some people are racist, bigoted prats...so live life and don't worry about them...do you

I would advise keeping your hair natural. It’s clear from your post that you would rather do this. The problem is other people’s perceptions. These are never going to change if women keep buying into what’s considered “acceptable”. That’s just my twopennyworth.

First, I think it's great that you're fighting this battle. But I really feel for you - that is shitty so shitty that you have basically no options. I'd echo what PPs have said about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's book Americanah - there's also a great clip of her talking about the hair issue here: Her hair looks great but she's a) beautiful and b) rich and it looks like she spends a lot of time in the salon. In spite of the humour, it's still something that needs to be taken more seriously, and that can only e done by talking about it. So thanks OP for raising it.

What cheapskatemum said.

Also, its not quite the same thing really (I don’t think) but I’m starting to get grey flashes of hair at the front and sides of my face and have decided not to colour it and I’m pretty certain of a shift in how people react to me.

Like others have said, the reactions of others speak volumes about them, not you. Be true to yourself OP.

Rock your natural hair and REFUSE to be treated differently.

You can also do amazing curled styles by sleeping in bantu knots or whatever (if you have the time an inclination!) without going down the weave / wig route. I watch them black hair tutorials on Youtube with total envy.

It's awful how much time and money so many black women spend on their hair and it's got to stop.

After 18 years of Braids, I took them out as my edges had all snapped. My hair is
tight spiral curls naturally but am often asked if I have had it permed!

"Agree with Afromumma the majority of black women in the UK do not wear wigs and weaves. Straight long hair on a black women does nit necessarily mean weave or wigs. Please do not peddle this false narrative.

Nobody should be telling anyone how to wear their hair."

Thirded.

To those saying, “wear a wig”, have you ever worn one other than for a party? I work with a lady who wears one as she has alopecia. She hates the feel of it, but without it she had so many people assuming she had cancer, and got fed up of explaining herself. I can understand wearing a wig in her case, but if you have hair of whatever length/texture/colour then why on Earth should society make you feel that you have to hide it?

Could you look after dreadlocks? A past employee had lovely locks (not matted and unkempt) she would wear in different styles and always looked stylish and put together. Or as PP have said just heat straighten on occasion.

YANBU it's your hair.

As a black woman in the UK with 4A Afro hair, I love experimenting with my hair. I (and a lot of my friends) ditched relaxers a few years ago. I see lace fronts, twists, weaves, crochet braids, box braids, wraps, faux locs etc as protective styles that let my natural hair grow while it’s tucked away from damage from harsh weather and styling.

When my naturally straight-haired friends fancy a change of style, they chop off their hair, dye it or spend ages growing it out. But nothing (apart from my budget) stops me from trying a brown bob wig one week or long black wavy crochet braids the next. And when I miss my Afro puff, I can go back to it whenever I want.

Afro hair is very versatile so whether you prefer to embrace your natural hair or not is your choice. The natural hair movement has been gaining momentum for years now with loads of tutorials and hair journeys on YouTube.

Housemum yes I do wear wigs. It allows me to change cut and colour whenever I feel like it without ruining my hair. I don't find they feel bad on my head in any way.

Many posters have referred to their hair by a numbering/lettering system; for those of us who are learning from this thread, what does that system mean please?

It’s about curl pattern. www.allure.com/gallery/curl-hair-type-guide?verso=true