Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

You will meet work situations and people who will hate you / love you regardless of what's on your head so do what you want.
Clearly by your own example of Lupita if you look like a natural African it won't stop you if you are determined enough. Everyone does not have to love you, your hair is not the issue and is the wrong focus.
None of the options you mentioned are permanent so it's not that big a deal. If someone tells you you look unprofessional tell them very calmly and politely that they look like a skank. Nothing better than giving back what you were given and seeing the shock on a skank's face who think they are above criticism but like to give it out unrequested.

Thanks @mumofdragons
2.5k gulp
Maybe I’ll just use that to buy a good wig instead...

I haven’t replied to all of the questions because some are answered by other posters downstream.

I’m touched by your sharing all your stories, Black/white and everyone in between.

@ILoveDolly

Thanks for the link. I will go there.

To those who say ‘most black women don’t wear weaves’. I’ve not been walking around with a spreadsheet so I could be wrong or it could just be the area I’m in, the people I see etc.

Sorry, I can’t remember which poster said it could be my own self hatred getting me down. I hope not and (unfortunately) other stories in this very thread show the nasty comments that can be made.

I can definitely believe the "not professional" comments.

My friend has naturally very curly blonde hair and was told by a female boss she should straighten her hair, as it doesn't look professional curly.

I was told to condition my hair. By my old boss! It was a ... helpful suggestion. My hair is in no worse condition than anybody else's

Op I know nothing about afro hair. I have a mild curiosity to touch natural afro hair but would never ask somebody to touch their hair. Is it soft and fluffy?

But i hate the whole straight hair look the tide will turn against it. Think back to the 1990s when big spiral perms were the thing.

However i wish you tons of luck in the job front. Rotten to have worked for a degree and be doing call centre work. Good luck.

I had no idea natural Afro hair is considered 'unprofessional' in some circles. And I'm sure all these companies have anti-discrimination policies. Am horrified. I fail to see what that attitude is other than naked, ugly racism.

(White with natural dark curls, have never straightened although am aware my hair is perhaps not the majority look and tbh it's sometimes bloody difficult to tame. I don't work in a field in which anyone would deem it unprofessional. Thank goodness)

No one should be forced to colour, straighten, perm, relax etc their natural hair.

I would go with keeping it, but then as a white woman I'm rarely followed around a shop.

Could you add a scarf for work? Something like this?

shoplysande.com/blogs/boldly-you/scarf-care

You could also approach who ever said your hair was unprofessional and ask them if they want to pay £200 a pop for you.

To those who say ‘most black women don’t wear weaves’. I’ve not been walking around with a spreadsheet so I could be wrong or it could just be the area I’m in, the people I see etc.

Most of the people I see do, one close friend stopped relaxing and colouring her hair about 2-3 years ago and it looks fab, grey and curley.

@AvoidingDM
It is different. someone I gave permission to touch it said ‘it’s softer than I thought’. Sometimes if it’s dry it can feel ‘hard’.

I read a low self esteem in your post.

I totally agree with this, which is why I explained there are agencies out there, which help with marketing you, hence help your confidence.

Perhaps some counselling? Sorry again that’s costly.

What I’m saying is that in your position I would be putting my money into some kind of self development rather than your hair. This will make you feel momentarily more confident but doesn’t fix the long term feelings.

I am white so don’t have the same issues with hair. But I was an underachiever with low self confidence and can categorically if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to work on me internally, not externally.

Also thanks for the luck. I need it.

To those saying wear a wig during the week, would you say ‘wear a mask over your face during the week’? Because it’s a mask for the head and looks a way my hair never could look.

How do I answer ‘Mummy, why do you wear a wig for work?’
‘So I can get promoted and be taken seriously and not be called scruffy or unprofessional?’

Thanks Mummy of dragons. I’ve actually just started that after a long waiting list.

The World needs to change. Not you! ...

I would ask why? are you considering change? If the answer does not feel right, don't do it! ....

Afro Hair is Awesome!

1. Rock your natural hair so well others envy how well your hair looks. Give zero fs about a society with small minded beauty standards. I have tight coily natural hair and I love an Ankara wrap. Search how to wear them and wrap them on YouTube and don't look back. I also wear wigs sometimes for ease and as a way to express myself. I have shaved it all off a la nappily ever after. Just do what ever makes you happy.

Ankara head wraps

A friend is a lawyer in the city and has been wearing hers natural but very short for a few years - she has been promoted while wearing her hair natural. Could keeping it short be an option for you?

Interesting. I admit I don't know anything about this and have never worked in central London so don't know how much pressure is on you.

In answer to your question, would it be feasible to wear your hair short and put the wig on after you’ve dropped of your dc and picked them up?

Could you consider not wearing it all the time? Then shrug it off as another accessory. Ie some days I wear my blue earrings and other days I wear my pink top etc and be matter of fact. Young children cannot understand the adult world. (I assume we are talking about young children).

I hope the counselling goes well 😊

Im sure the OP stated up thread she finds wigs itchy and uncomfortable. There is no way I would wear scratchy clothes for 40 hours plus a week to be taken seriously and I don’t think we should ask the OP to either.

gamerwidow
I think the way I read this is as a question op is grappling with herself tbh. My understanding is she has wigs. Totally, yes, I think she should go natural. But if they give her confidence say for work/ job interview, that’s entirely her choice. I understand she hates them so I’m not trying to encourage it at all. Sorry if I wasn’t clear.

Natural hair all the way...beautiful

I have very curly hair (I’m white) and have stopped straightening my hair as my 5 yr old has curly hair too and she was asking why I was changing my hair and not having it curly like her.
My hair is prone to frizzing and whilst it doesn’t look as ‘professional’ as it does when it’s straight, it’s me!
(I’ve also stopped wearing make up everyday so my daughters get the ‘natural is beautiful’ message!) xx

I have a colleague with natural afro hair - she's an accountant and it's a professional environment. I think she looks fab. I only realised about weaves and wigs a relatively short time ago to my shame.

Op I know this is isn't what you want to hear but if you really feel its holding you back at interviews then I'd be sorely tempted to wear a wig esp for a law related job.

Brutal that should even be a consideration but might just get your foot in the door. Once in the door - anything said is blatant racism.

I worked somewhere who took on a new secretary / receptionist. First day in the job she arrived with multiple facial piercings. The person who interview was a bit but she'd removed them for the interview.

I'm really hoping you get somewhere. I hate to hear of talent and hard work going to waste. Not to mention the cost of studying.
Fingers crossed for you.

Sorry OP you're in that position. I think it should be natural if you want it to be. My situation is a bit different I know but i'm 49 and greying. Most women I know dye their hair but I stopped dyeing my hair about 3 years ago because I can't be bothered to be honest but also I don't see why it should be expected that women keep their hair dyed and men don't have to. Also my hair is long, I'm an accountant but not really customer facing. I'm hoping my DD will see that natural is fine if she wants.