Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

Deafly - id agree that the more make up etc is a shit solution. But uts the shit reality i live in. I find more make up and better clothes easier than the hair stuff which hurts and smells bad and burns. Unfortunately as a blavk woman i felt those where my choices. I still do.

@FluffyPersian

That's exactly like my dad's hair.

@ShortFro

Thank you for starting this thread, hope some of the suggestion help.

I’m going through the posts from the beginning:

@ToadOfSadness
Human hair is not mainly taken from corpses. Maybe in Victorian times or whatever but not nowadays.

One large source is temples in India. They shave their hair from piety. Then it is taken and sold on... Some very poor women get money from cutting their hair and selling it. I’m not sure how much they get, then it is sold for hundreds.

stiff and hard look, where the hairs appears to have been tortured into place, I don't know how it is done but I had a friend who had her hair steamed, and relaxed some years ago and it was straight but never looked hard .

This often depends on what texture it was to start with. If you are mixed race, or had a mixed race grandparent for example, your processed hair will look more like European hair when you are done.

Sometimes expensive salons can produce those results too and someone doing it themselves will get that look you are talking about.

@mytieisascarf

I hadn’t heard of that film. Thanks, it’s added to my ‘to watch’ list.

@BoomBoomsCousin
From a logistical perspective, if you decide to conform, I would have thought wigs would give you more opportunity to be fluid in when and where you do so.

I’ve got a box full of them in the attic. You don’t know how itchy I find them! The day my toddler pulled mine off in Asda when I was leaning into the trolley is up there in the hall of mortification with the time I farted loud and clear as a bell in PE...

I’m sorry to read you are struggling to find a job commensurate with your intelligence and capacity.

There are specialist recruitment agencies out there, who charge to help you write your cv and train you on interview techniques and market you to companies. They differ from the normal agencies (eg Reed), who basically put you forward for roles.

It is costly and you have to ensure you’re not being scammed. But perhaps this is something you’d like to look into.

I’m going through the thread slowly as I get time in the day. Im getting quite tearful at the support and at those facing similar.

@TakeAChanseyOnMe
Americanah has been added to my audible ‘to read list’. Thanks for the recommendation. And @irunlikeahipoo for
nappilyeverafter

To pps - the short haired natural photos are the actress Lupita Nyongo. I look similar but shockingly no one has asked me to be in a movie yet..,

Yanbu. Haven’t read the full thread but...

We all conform consciously or subconsciously to social expectations. We don’t exist in a vacuum where we do exactly as we please in the name of ‘true to oneself’.
I say pick your battles.

What about very short hair, which looks great?

There's a female doctor on 'Trust Me I'm a Doctor' who has shortish/medium afro hair which is fabulous, with little curls. It frames her face and is flattering which is what most of us require of a hairstyle. A great look.

Lol I can assure you how hard it is to.manage afro hair remember my mum using the hot iron to help with the pain
We were blessed with lots of hair thick so painful
I have mine braided now and refuse to dye it black for years I had weaves now i have wigs ..and love them no spending hours to get hair ready just cover my natural hair when i get in whip it off.
I know people are treated differently due to their hair style but what ever you do be proud and confident do what makes you happy if you do get a wig make sure its the best and made for you you can get man made fibre wigs or you can use a wrap.do what makes you happy

Watch Nappily Ever After on Netflix. She deals with EXACTLY this (after going through a major hair trauma, and then letting it be natural). I'd like to think I would try to keep it natural and make it a style statement - so I could feel good about being natural while also feeling good about how I looked. But if you yourself think it would look better treated in some way, then go ahead with that too. It's YOUR hair and you can choose how you wear it.

Natural looks beautiful and amazing . M so sorry you're stressed badly or different because if your natural hair.. I hate that you go through that. Do what makes u feel better !! And you're daughter will know that her hair doesn't define her! Just do what u really feel YOU want to and what makes YIU feel good

Another thing my daughtet has different wigs as well and she has told me on several occasions about the reception she has been given due to a particular wig so for interviews she wears a paticular one which she says seems to get a favourable response shocking but true shes always been employed though and im sorry you feel this way you must as we say have ..attitude..and shakara ..
.

Oap I'm black and wear my hair natural but I'm one of those who have thin, wavy hair so I just brush it back into a bun.

I do have black colleagues who wear their hair natural:
1- sister locs. Her 'loc-tician' taught her how to loc her own hair. It's been a few years but her hair is long and she can style it very differently daily.
2- hair really nice tight curls she kept nice and moisturized and styled daily. Then cut it all off and is enjoying very short hair she will probably keep short. She keeps it long enough to part and shapes up the edges sometimes
3- shoulder length hair she braids sometimes, puts up in a bun sometimes, wig very rarely. She also likes to use cloth wraps to create styles that do look very elegant. She, like you, has a daughter she wants to send the right messages to.

I think the weave is becoming obsolete the more wigs with lace baby hair fronts are becoming more believable. It's so much effort! Do what you want, I think we are allowed to change things up if one course of action isn't working!

OP*

I saw a fantastic looking black business woman in a red suit a while back. Natural hair which is quite unusual round here. A man turned to another and said 'who does she think SHE is?' Look at 'er 'air!'

People are witless fools. Ignore them.

It’s important to remember you live in a white supremacist (not in the KKK sense) society. Nothing you do will really be good enough, so keep yourself comfortable and look after your own finances. Personally i much prefer natural Afro hair, as I recognise it as making a statement and I love women who make their own statements.

I have often asked my friends why as black women they feel the need to wear wigs or extensions rather than embrace their natural hair. They have explained to me the problem of not being taken seriously as professional women. I am really sorry that employers and others are so shallow and that this is such an issue for black women. I am a very low maintenance person and know I would want to go natural.

Hi OP - I can certainly empathise with what you're going through. This was my fear when I first decided to wear my hair natural after many years of relaxers; that it would be seen as unprofessional or unkempt.

Natural hair takes some getting used to, especially if you haven't grown up taking care of it. But even with my very thick type 4 hair, I honestly don't find it difficult now. There are so many more resources (YouTube etc) than ever before, it's not at all hard for someone motivated to learn how to do a range of styles. I don't find it at all expensive (I have quite a minimalist routine), or time-consuming - 20 mins per day absolute max!

I also wonder whether the way you feel about your hair & image is affecting the way you come across in interviews etc? I remember when I first started the process of going natural, I would walk around eyes down, shoulders slumped, hoping that no one would notice / comment on the change. I quickly got over that stage though, and I really love my hair now. It's a journey though - I just hope you can stick with it for long enough to come out the other side!

I work in a conservative profession, law, we have a very senior lawyer here who is a black woman with natural hair. She cuts it very short though. She always looks very smart, and elegant.

I think natural afro hair looks amazing. I have also worked with black women who do top knots and those little puffy ponytails as well as relaxed hair, braids and cornrows. I currently have a colleague sporting waist length dreadlocks which are normally up in a bun or scarf. Again looks awesome.

Image is important whether we like the reasons or not and changes in societal attitudes are gradual, so you may have to pander to prejudice that you know to exist, you know until you are in a strong enough position to be an opinion leader yourself, as people have always followed fashion. I'm a white woman and know that having my hair expensively highlighted makes me look 10 years younger, so I'm not going to stop anytime soon, however much you tell me to celebrate ageing!
Is there anyway you can find the look more cheaply or just wear a lightweight wig for work and go 'au nateurelle' on the weekend?

Can I ask what makes you feel that people think you look unprofessional with your natural hair? This is something that would never have occurred to me, so I would be interested to know what makes you feel this.

If I was to be quite honest, I find afro hair that has been messed about with/straightened rather weird. Why would anyone do that to such lovely thick hair? Try having my weedy thin straggly mop! Perhaps we should do a swap!!

@morningconstitutional2017 the OP's hair may not be like that. While we all have afro hair it can form visible curls which can be small or large, or not curl at all and the hair stands form zzz.

If you do have curls some people, and I include other black people in this, accuse you of doing something to get them not realising they are natural.

I have two SILs - one black and one white with the same size curls. The black one use to hide her curls and always resort to weaves, wigs and braids until about 10 years ago because she would get so much shit from other black people about them - some people think it is appropriate to comment on how you get them in the street. When she was at school she was bullied for having afro hair with curls. The white one until she married my brother and had her children would try and straighten her hair but the shit she got wasn't on the same level.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this.
I know it's easier said than done but if you prefer the natural look, then that's what you should go for. The more women that do this, the more acceptable it will be and hopefully your daughter won't have to put up with this shit.

I would hope that being told that your natural hair is 'unprofessional' would be a matter for HR.

It sounds like from all the lawyers on the thread that we might be better than some careers on the hair front probably because it is more about exam results and brains than how you look may be.