Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

I live in South Africa and see black women with all types of hair styles and Afro hair can look stunning. Do what you want to do with your hair whatever makes you comfortable and happy.

Someone said it already but I second the suggestion of the film "Nappily Ever After"! I watched it on Netflix several weeks back and thought it was heartwarming. Not the same of course but similar to your dilemma OP - basically it's about the expectation and pressure a black woman felt to have her hair "done" and feeling unhappy vs. being true to herself. Might be worth a watch.

I guess it's easy for a white woman to say but I think natural hair is beautiful. I suppose that isn't much help though, and I'm really, really sorry you feel you have been treated differently for it - that's total shit. I wish there was a straightforward answer and a "cure all".

I can imagine that weaves damage the hair and wigs must be incredibly hot, especially at the moment here as it’s 38 in the shade!

I’m old enough to remember when black women DID have their real hair on display. I don’t know how it happened that black women felt the need to conform to a more “European” standard but I do think it’s regrettable. I would love to see more black women with natural hair.

Our climate is not a good one for black hair though (I speak as a someone with my own head of very frizz-prone hair!)

Hi OP, I’m black with natural hair and have never experienced the negativity you describe. I think it’s perhaps because I work in the creative field and my hair makes me ‘look the part’! I used to relax my hair about 20 years ago but I hated everything about it; the look, the faffing around tonging it every other day, the actual act of straightening it...it just wasn’t for me. I find my natural hair is much more ‘funky’ and more ‘me’ but I do have to twist it every night and then undo the twists in the morning to give it the kinky / curly look, so it does take effort. My DD (13) is mixed-race and has the most amazing, naturally curly, corkscrew hair. It truly is beautiful. This morning she came to me and said she wants to straighten it when she’s older; I almost cried!

I really love it and wish I saw more of it. I wonder if 70s style will bring it back. I've a feeling it's more 'in' than it used to be. Is this style or progress. I'm white and I ALSO felt inspired by nappily valley!! The comment that her hair was like a second job was really an epiphany. For the character and well, I got my hair cut v short after the film and now the curly ness is just there, too short to straighten. It was so so so thick that straightening it was futile. I know that the situation is more complex for black women, not comparing, but the film did inspire me to say FUCK it.

Huh, I've got fine and frizzy Euro hair that might benefit from a bit of straightening but, of course, I'm not in a position to answer how you should style your hair. All I can say is, I don't think you need to worry too much about the role model you are for your daughter, you're clearly smart and funny and you put her first and centre, I think she's going to be fine. More than fine!

Hi there, I love your hair! Am I guessing correctly that Meghan has straightened hair? I.E It's not naturally straight?

A woman at work had her hair in a short natural afro and it looked great. She's also very beautiful so it probably helps.
I would keep the afro but also dress in very sharp suits.

For the first time in 30 years i have decided to go back to my natural afro hair and am loving it. I have had it softened using kerra straight so that it so easy to comb and style into a neat afro. When i go out i make it look bigger with a few twists to add interest plus big earrings and bright lipstick. I feel proud and wished i had done this years ago. Look at commercials on tv and all the models are donning the afro style. Brilliant

CucumberGin (way back on p.8)
Thing is, it's not just about getting hired, not just about overt discrimination/comments. It's about the more subtle stuff, the hard-to-challenge-but-the-pattern-makes-it-clear stuff.
The "she's great, but not quite ready yet", "needs more gravitas", "lacks impact", "very diligent on the straightforward projects" stuff. That even the people doing it would angrily deny, even to themselves, is subconsciously biased.

Thing is, while I would think that about some behaviour and some clothing (and challenge myself for evidence), I certainly wouldn’t associate those thoughts with any type of hair. Possibly that’s white privilege? But it’s certainly not something that’s occurred to me until this thread.

So OP, fwiw, as a white woman who recruits people, I’m pretty much oblivious to implications of different ways of wearing afro hair. I’m a bit better informed having read this thread, but it really was news to me that natural could be seen as messy or not making an effort.

I also work in the legal profession. So a very strict and dull dress code. My belief is that in this arena, to a white person, short natural Afro hair with a suit is totally acceptable. I wonder whether the criticism is more from other black women?

As ever, it's sex as well as race, isn't it. As a white woman the expectation (to which I conform) is that I will have blow dried hair generally of shoulder length at least. The men of course just cut theirs short and save twenty minutes in a morning.

@ThomasRichard
Thanks for the idea about campaigning. I know there are some doing that good work right now. In order to look after my own mental health I know I can’t take on such a project at this time but I always support those who do.

I’m mixed race. I’be always kept my natural curl, I’ve got type 3c hair. I recently had a white colleague tell me “you could dye your hair pink and it would resemble candy floss” she has also asked me “does you DD need product on her hair too?” I had never mentioned putting product on my hair and not sure why it mattered. I’ve also had several people ask if they can touch my hair over the years- When I’ve been working and when I’ve been out shopping etc. I’ve had lots of positive comments too which is always nice. I find it funny that my hair can become of topic of conversation negative or positive. My hair defintely draws more attention than Type 1/2 hair.

You should wear your hair however works best for you. If you like it natural then fine, if you want to have it treated or wear weaves its also fine. You don't have to represent anybody else it's not your responsibility to make a stand unless you want to.
FWIW I manage 2 black women one of whom has her hair natural and one of whom wears weaves neither hairstyle looks better or worse than the other.
It's terrible shame that something as irrelevant as a hairstyle has the power to hold you back from your potential.

Have you seen Jamelias view on this?
I hope the link works- if not google Jamelia natural hair.
Personally I think natural looks much better.
But in the end it has to be your choice.

i am a white girl and to me, of all the pictures, the natural hair looks best. I find wigs can look really freaky. Having black friends I know what a hassle it can be to care for hair that is treated, relaxed, weaved etc. Stay natural! With business wear and lippy (if thats your thing) it totally rocks and looks very sharp and professional - and way more stylish.

I think natural afro hair looks amazing and am really sorry and annoyed this is something you have to even consider when you're clearly happy with your hair as it is, but then I don't have to walk through the world in your shoes so so I'm not even going to try and tell you what to do

Stay natural - stay true to you. It’s all we really have at the end of the day. Life is too short to compromise ourselves. That said - sometimes I have a massive urge to die my hair blue (i’ve always fancied having blue hair) - but I have to look professional for my job (I am client facing with HNW’s) so I do get it - but in truth the job I really want would let me have blue hair.

Don't look at it as race; everyone must adhere to societal norms in order to function in society. If you're in a conservative environment EVERYONE who fits in flows with their rules.

Can't you do what you wish on your weekends? Best wishes.

Don't look at it as race; everyone must adhere to societal norms in order to function in society. If you're in a conservative environment EVERYONE who fits in flows with their rules
The problem is, though, that Caucasian hair is seen as the default hair (by some people) so the idea of what is “professional” ie sleek, “groomed” hair is not easily achievable for someone who has curly or Afro hair, which is pretty discriminatory, no?

Catsinthecupboard it is a race thing. Who is it that decides it is a conservative environment and who are they who make the rules?

@ThomasRichard
Thanks for the idea about campaigning. I know there are some doing that good work right now. In order to look after my own mental health I know I can’t take on such a project at this time but I always support those who do.

@BingerGeer

I’m a (white) recruiting manager in the public sector. I’ve done the unconscious bias training and it’s something we look out for carefully. I’m as sure as I can be that hair makes no difference at all to recruiting decisions, and I would challenge another panel member who mentioned hair as being unprofessional or messy.

I hope more people become like you. Thank you.

@Mummyoflittledragon
There are specialist recruitment agencies out there, who charge to help you write your cv and train you on interview techniques and market you to companies. They differ from the normal agencies (eg Reed), who basically put you forward for roles.
I would be so grateful to have a recommendation for such an agency.

I am not saying ‘oh I can’t get a job because I’m black/ because of my hair -

It’s a variety of factors. At one point I was with Reed, Adecco and Office Angels. I contacted them at least once a week. I asked what was holding them back from putting me forward for roles, ‘oh nothing, it’s just quiet’. I am presumably still on their books but have never been put forward. I ended up doing reception work for a year. Topping up with factory work and cleaning to pay the bills.

I have applied to so many thousands of jobs (not only just the machine gun approach, often taking hours to research the company and modify my cv and cover letter. Nothing). At most 5 interviews, some internal hires, some ‘you were great but the candidate we went with was a better fit etc.’

I don't have Afro hair so please forgive me if I'm wrong here but does it not take plenty of care for that beautiful look? What exactly can people find unprofessional about it?

What, like they think you haven't bothered with any effort on your hair? Because I tend to disagree...I feel like someone with Afro hair, has it this way because they love their hair, care for and nourish it. That's one of the many reasons it's beautiful.

You do you OP. Forget what anybody else likes hair to look like...they can do that with their own hair!

@catsinthecupboard OMG
You realise this society's norm means black people have to poison themselves to fit in with society, burn their scalp, damage the natural pattern of their hair, use heavy extensions/weaves, that tear their hair out and you say see it as a societal norm. Even after everything mentioned on this post, your advice is to suck it up. How about we change societal norms to accommodate all citizens.