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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ghosted me and then suddenly appeared again 4 years later

444 replies

Dogmum94 · 22/10/2018 11:59

More of a WWYD really. We met in nursery and were childhood friends, our parents also became friends and would take turns doing school runs/childcare etc. Spent all the school holidays together and most nights after school we would take turns going to each others house. Remained friends through primary/junior/secondary school and all through college as well. After college we did drift apart a bit but still kept in contact and would text every few weeks or so. My parents are still very good friends with hers and see each other regularly.
Around 4 years ago, I went to message her and she had blocked my number, and also Facebook and all other social media. I mentioned it to my parents and hers but nobody really knew anything and she then moved abroad to go travelling with her boyfriend for a few years.
I got engaged earlier this year, and can only assume either her family or one of our mutual friends has mentioned it to her. The other day I woke up to a message on Facebook from her, she had unblocked me and added me as a friend, and scrolled all the way through my Facebook to find the engagement announcement (bare in mind that was a few months ago so quite a few things to scroll through). She commented on it saying how happy she was for me and she’s so pleased her childhood friend is getting married. She can’t wait to be there to celebrate on the big day and be my bridesmaid like we always used to talk about when we were younger Confused
She’s being a CF isn’t she? Hmm

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 23/10/2018 00:35

"Oh, friend'sname, I see you still have your wonderful sense of humour! Of course I've already asked my best friend(s) to be my bridesmaid(s). She's/They're being so helpful and supportive; I know she'll/they'll always be there for me!"

bowdownbeforelokitty · 23/10/2018 00:46

OP as mentioned upthread the reason for this out of the blue message is as you say she is coming home a couple of months before your wedding.

It now suits her to slide straight back into her old life. That means tying to pick up with her old friends rather than have to start from ground zero again. As many threads on MN will substantiate a lot of people find it had to break into established friendship groups and who knows how many other bridges she has burnt.

FWIW I would not message her back. If she chooses to contact you face to face or even via phone and she apologises for ghosting you, and you feel you can give her another chance to earn her way into your life then decide. Even if you decide to be friends with her again make her aware that any flakey behaviour and you will step back.

If so then further. I would not have her as BM and I would even say to her that as you are busy with Wedding Preparations, you could try to slowly melt your friendship after the Wedding/Honeymoon/settling into Married Life. In your time and on your terms.

To be honest with you I probably wouldn't have her as a friend, but maybe as an acquaintance if you decide to see her again.

bowdownbeforelokitty · 23/10/2018 00:48

Mend your friendship.

Olderbyaminute · 23/10/2018 01:12

bowdownbeforelorkitty Are you off your rocker? There is no freaking friendship to mend if she was blocked on social media and no contact for four damn years

Butterflycookie · 23/10/2018 01:36

@blingloving @butterflycookie how exactly could I ring somebody who had blocked me and why would I want to? Why would I want to waste my time chasing after her when she made it clear that our friendship was over for whatever reason? And my parents friendship is seperate to that and I wouldn’t want to go dragging them into it and making it awkward for them**

Errrm because if I was such good friends with someone and they had suddenly blocked me I would want to know why?. I would be worried if something was up with them or if I did something without realising. And I would do my best to at try and get into contact. Don’t get me wrong she is the bad person here. She blocked you and has suddenly got in contact wanting to go to your wedding which sounds quite bizarre. You said why waste your time on her....but you’re doing that right now. Just ignore her fb mesage and move on. Don’t get worked up. I really don’t see what the big deal is. If you don’t want to be friends again then just ignore the message!

If it was me I would be curious to know why I was blocked and arrange to meet her. Just for closure.

bowdownbeforelokitty · 23/10/2018 02:03

@Olderbyaminute I don't think I'm off my rocker, but then If I was maybe I wouldn't realise. I'm no expert after all.  FWIW "Mend your friendship" at 10:48 was a spelling correction from the response I gave the OP at 10:46 refers to the 4th paragraph where I had incorrectly typed "Melt your friendship". If you read in context you will understand.

moredoll · 23/10/2018 02:12

Mend your friendship.

I agree you should try. Wait until she's back, and then get in touch, maybe have coffee, and ask her why she blocked you. And see if there's a friendship worth saving there. `I think she's been weird but find out if there was any reason, as she saw it, for it.

AudaciousCockerel · 23/10/2018 07:16

Mend the friendship?
What bloody friendship? The woman blocked and ignored her for years.
Are people really this dense?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2018 07:32

More doll, why go through all that trouble with a cheeky fecker, when she can message her instead!

Biancadelriosback · 23/10/2018 07:49

But OP doesn't want this woman in her life...she's proven herself to be selfish, thoughtless and unreliable. I wouldn't choose to associate with people like that. Why on earth should she try and "mend the friendship" or give this woman a chance? She doesn't want to!

MauraIsles · 23/10/2018 08:05

I went through a similar situation years ago, when someone who I considered a best friend who I worked with, left our company and ghosted me without explanation including unfriending me on FB. Cue a few years later I unexpectedly became pregnant with our beautiful Son and up pops a message from said ‘friend’ saying how excited she was to hear I was pregnant and she was so happy for me and OH (who she was also friends with and did the same to him) and that we should meet up for a cup of tea to chat about the baby! Needless to say I ignored the message and never responded to her, I think she was just trying to be nosy and decided after 2 years she’d attempt to get back in touch 🙄

P1ainJanine · 23/10/2018 08:16

If you haven't accepted her freind request, you need to limit who can see your Farcebook posts, so that randoms can't see them.

SouthWestmom · 23/10/2018 08:49

Of course people understand Facebook but when things don't make sense they check, which unfortunately distracts from the question.

Op says the person unblocked her, added her as a friend and then scrolled through op's Facebook - this can't happen, if you unblock you need to send a friend request.

Op agrees then actually the friend request is pending and the friend saw her mums Facebook where mum's been tagged. People ask about privacy settings.

Cjngs · 23/10/2018 09:12

I would ignore her as it's the best form of revenge. Any other response leads to excuses, blame, basically whatever cf decides to use to be a bridesmaid. You can avoid all of that by ignoring and not even giving her the satisfaction of blocking as that shows you're upset and have acknowledged her existence.

BlingLoving · 23/10/2018 09:38

@butterflycookie - exactly. If my oldest friend from nursery school, after 20 years, simply blocked me on phone and social media, I wouldn't have relied on one attempted call/text. I'd have been at her house, knocking on her door. I would have emailed her. I might have spoken to her parents. I'd have written her a bloody letter and posted it. If she wanted to get rid of me she'd have had to work a lot harder than simply block me on social media because I would have wanted to know what could turn 20 years of friendship sour out of the blue.

So I can't help think this friendship wasn't so close in the first place. Or that OP didn't like the woman that much. Because I know that if one of my friends acted that way, not only would I not accept it without at least asking, I wouldn't assume the friend didn't like me. Rather, I'd assume there was a problem and I'd want to help fix it.

MrsReacher1 · 23/10/2018 09:46

Exactly Bling -
It is a non-drama.

YellowStickies · 23/10/2018 09:53

Op, most people scroll through and only read your replies and not the 100s of others so just reply to the ones you want to and ignore the annoying repetitive ones.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 23/10/2018 09:56

I think I’d have to send a nice message back asking what happened and why she unfriended you. Just because it’s such bizarre behaviour and out of curiosity I’d want to know. I’d probably just ignore her after that though unless she had a spectacularly good reason for behaving the way she did (I can’t think of one tbh).

Ngaio2 · 23/10/2018 10:10

@blingliving. Your view seems very sensible in theory, however, not all of us feel confident enough or secure enough in our relationships to do this. The initial reaction is often shock, disbelief, followed by hurt and questioning of one’s own behaviour and self doubt.
The very fact that the OP is reaching out for advice would indicate she is unlikely to be as socially self confident as yourself.
In addition the “friend” was overseas.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 23/10/2018 10:21

@BlingLoving

Deletion off social media is a really final act; it really is a “fuck you” of the modern age, a passive way to punish the perceived baddie without having the balls to actually air the issue at play, even if it is something as anodyne as “she’s just not that into you”.

I really see and part-agree with your point, but the finality of having been blocked and deleted could - for many - be enough of a blow to leave no need for further questions (at that time).

Basically I’d wager the OP was so floored she might’ve decided to just leave it so not to inflame things.

Original poster
Dogmum94 · 23/10/2018 10:55

@BlingLoving as I have already stated in my very first post, no we weren’t as close as we had been and I already explained the friendship had drifted apart a little bit. And she moved abroad quite soon after so how the fuck I could have knocked on her door or sent her a letter I would like to know. She is a grown woman so why would I ask her parents and get them involved when her choices have nothing to do with them and she didn’t even live with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogmum94 · 23/10/2018 10:57

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut yes exactly that, at the time it floored me and I couldn’t get my head around it, but I didn’t have any way of getting an explanation directly from her. Over time I just dealt with it and accepted it and moved on, only now she’s come back it has brought it all back again. Don’t know why people find that so hard to understand

OP posts:
ribblerobble · 23/10/2018 11:01

I'm not sure I'm the best judge of these things but I'd be tempted with @bourbonbiccy's sarcastic passive-aggressive approach:

"I would have to know why she blocked me in the 1st place, so would have to say something like, "oh thanks but i didn't think you would still want to be bridesmaid after the whole randomly blocking me thing, what was that about ??" "

She couldn't really respond without acknowledging and it would give others a sense of the completely weird situation.

CupMug · 23/10/2018 11:07

Haha OP, not sure you are cut out to post on AIBU 😂. There are always lots of people who don't read the thread. Heck, I've done it myself before 😔.
Anyway, have you actually done anything? I know it doesn't matter but I'm curious.

Personally I'd have just sent a polite message saying that you were surprised to hear from her as you thought she had blocked you.

CallMeRachel · 23/10/2018 11:15

only now she’s come back it has brought it all back again

She's come back???!! 

I thought you said up thread she was still travelling and was due back a couple of months before the wedding?

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