To think DPs took this money?

[Aalaaya]

DPs job involves cash rather than having money in the bank. He keeps his money in a secure box upstairs and puts in the bank whenever. He is better off than me. I had £70 in 10 pound notes and my bank card in my jeans back pocket (silly I know) but both me and DP remember me pulling it out and saying I needed to put it in the bank towards my car finance. I only put things e.g car keys, money, reciepts etc in a drawer in a living room to be sorted out. Its not there. Ive emptied every drawer, pulled out all the sofas, cushions, checked underneath, checked the kitchen, checked ALL coat pockets and jeans, dressing gown, all drawers upstairs, underneath bed etc. Ive thoroughly checked my car whilst hoovering it and the money and card has vanished.

Now, I rang DP and asked if when he comes home he could count his money as he could have accidentally put the money with his. He got defensive about it saying he didnt have it, it was my problem but I can borrow £70 off him and give it him back when I find the money.

I'm so confused because hes never acted like this before, never took money off me but no ones been in the house besides us since Saturday when I got it, no kids or pets who could have had it. I really want to trust him but him straight away jumping on the defense has made me question it

I think unless he called you to say, "Oh no, I've just found it in my pocket! I'm really sorry!" I would pack his bags and leave them by the front door (let's hope it rains.)

Thinking about it, though, his attitude was so horrible when you asked him, I'd pack his bags whether it was a mistake or not.

I doubt very much that it was a mistake, though. Why would he put your money in his pocket?

Kick him out OP

Change your PIN number on your card.

There were only 2 of us in my house - me and my Ex. I knew damn well who was to blame if anything happened in the house. Things were mysteriously broken, carefully counted cash was incorrectly totalled after previously been the right amount and my medicines were running out too quickly. He might always strenuously deny it but there was no other explanation other than him having other people in the house.

If you are absolutely sure the money isn't where it should be then what other explanation is there?

I'm sorry to hear that op. It's no consolation but at least you found out now rather than later down the line.

I'm perplexed at some of the comments on here. I misplaced something at the weekend. I asked others who live here and those that had visited if they had moved the item. At no point did anyone have a go at me for accusing them of stealing. Instead, I had answers of no, I will help look for it and the last place I saw it was, you know totally normal responses.

How did you find it in his pocket? Was it in a pair he wasn't wearing?
I think you had a hard time here. I'm always losing things. I will always ask my partner if he's seen it. Picked up something 'by mistake' he'll do the same. We usually roll our eyes and huff 'no' but we don't go nuclear about 'being accused of stealing' if he did I'd be very suspicious.

I'm truly sorry op. I'm glad that you know what he is now rather than after marriage and children though.

Take care.

RTFT before commenting!

I don’t think he necessarily would have used your card - I think if he’d taken the cash only, it wouldn’t have looked like you just lost it.

It is SO easy to misplace things, search everywhere, then they turn up. So well done you and your instinct for not trusting him! Our instincts aren’t always right, but they very often are - it’s why we developed them. Very very slight clues from body language and tone are important, things you can’t share here and that you don’t even know you’re interpreting yourself.

Change the locks, get rid. Don’t let it put you off dating again but:

• don’t move anyone in after 4 months in future!
• have an honest think about whether you chose to ignore other red flags. Not to beat yourself up, but to learn from

Glad you’ve your money and your explanation!

Really sorry OP

He probably took the card too as you'd have known you put it with your money, so just finding the card would have made it obvious he took the cash.

How weird. I don't know what you plan to do OP, but I'd struggle to trust a partner who stole from me and lied about it.

I'm sorry OP. What a fucking snake!

Practical stuff first.
*Call your bank and ask if there have been any contactless transactions today.
*Explain what has happened and ask them to cancel the card.
As long as you do this, you will be covered for any unauthorised transactions. (Most banks state that you must inform them "as soon as you become aware" of your card and/or pin being compromised.)
*I would suggest they send you a new PIN as well - even if you think he hasn't seen it, I wouldn't put it past him to have sneakily observed you entering it and making a mental note.

Then, I would send him a text or email
"You have 48 hours to remove your belongings from my home. You will not be sleeping here. You need to give me X hours notice of when you will be collecting. [So you can have someone with you in case he turns nasty or tries the old crocodile tears.] Anything you haven't collected in 48 hours will be left on the street."

*I would then change the locks. It's actually really easy to do yourself - I had to do it last year when I lost my keys along with some identifying information. You will need an electric screwdriver or a drill with a screwdriver attachment. If you don't have that, I'd bet someone in your family or friend group will be happy to help!

A PP mentioned him trying to engineer being single for his holiday and I would suggest you look out for attempts to draw you back in after he's been away.

Hissy gave some excellent advice upthread about abusive relationships and I just wanted to mention the Freedom Programme. It's unclear whether this bastard is an abuser and managed to reel you in, or whether you've just randomly ended up with a thief. But the FP might help you reset your boundaries in future relationships.

Be really kind to yourself OP, this is a horrible shock for anyone to have to deal with.

Whaat!! So he took it then when you found out he's said nothing and stormed off? Did you find it in his pocket or did he admit it?

Only just seeing this thread and seen it worked out. Those who accused you of abusive are stupid! I'm forever asking my DH if hes picked something up or moved it by mistake and vice versa. We never think each other is accusing the other of stealing!

Sorry to see your DP took it in the end. I don't agree with people saying you moved in too soon. But then I moved in with my DH about the same time and were still together 10 years later. Sometimes you only find out true colours by moving in together.

This would be a deal breaker though. If he'd apologised it would be very different. But he's clearly defensive because he knows you caught him. He's stormed out to think of an answer. [Flowers] for you.

Always trust your gut op. I think you are well rid.

May I kindly suggest you do the freedom programme? It was a very short time to be moving in with someone and I worry that he was exploiting your vulnerabilities.

I'm sorry to hear OP. Just a damn shame, he turned out to be a d*ck.
I don't think asking him if he'd mistakenly put your money with his is a bad thing. It was very clear to me, that you only suspected he stole it, AFTER his reaction to you for asking.

Sorry you were getting the blame for something that wasn't your fault. Shaming you for a whirlwind romance, is a bit odd. He was wrong for being the d*ck, not you for trusting him. It is something else to learn though for the future.

Thought it might suddenly turn up on his return. Did he show you or had he tried to plant it somewhere?

He threw his coat on the sofa, and I checked his pockets. No doubt I will get called abusive for doing that! Found it there asked why and he said he didnt know it was there and stormed out. Ive cancelled my card. Cant believe this has happened but its well and truly ovet

I am sorry, Op. He is a liar and a thief ( as you already knew) Please do not allow him to explain this mistake. Trust yourself. Be safe.

“He didn’t know it was there”
At least he was too stupid to bamboozle you with a slightly plausible excuse!

Sorry to hear this OP

You got your money and card back but that's not much consolation really.

I second the advice above about cancelling the card and letting the bank know in case he has used your card contactless.

Also, I would definitely change the locks - today! Even if he gives his key back it would worry me that he had managed to have another one cut.

Shove his stuff into some bin bags and leave it outside for him to collect.

nottheford has given some good advice re practical stuff.

Sorry it turned out like this, though glad you found out now and have the money and card back at least.

DH and I often ask if the other may have moved something accidentally, sometimes we have sometimes we haven't. At no point have we assumed the other was accusing us of stealing.

Why are people saying she accused him of stealing? She didn't. She just asked him to check whether it got put in with his. If you both keep money around the house then it would be very easy to get them mixed in together. I think his behaviour is very strange.

Sorry to hear that he is a thief, OP. A horrible discovery even if you suspected all along... FWIW I don't think it's at all abusive to ask if your partner picked up or moved something by accident - me and OH do it all the time, sigh.

You only knew your boyfriend for 5 months before moving him in. If you were indeed in an abusive relationship before this current boyfriend, you haven't really learnt from that past, as you moved this current boyfriend in so very soon.

He took it, even if he didn't your relationship is in serious trouble.

Next time wait a couple of years before anyone moves in.

Ah I'm sorry op. Organise him to collect his stuff. Tell him you will pack it up and leave it in bags at the front door at an arranged time. He can't spend one more minute there.

To steal from your partner, that's low.