Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DPs took this money?

173 replies

Aalaaya · 22/10/2018 11:30

DPs job involves cash rather than having money in the bank. He keeps his money in a secure box upstairs and puts in the bank whenever. He is better off than me. I had £70 in 10 pound notes and my bank card in my jeans back pocket (silly I know) but both me and DP remember me pulling it out and saying I needed to put it in the bank towards my car finance. I only put things e.g car keys, money, reciepts etc in a drawer in a living room to be sorted out. Its not there. Ive emptied every drawer, pulled out all the sofas, cushions, checked underneath, checked the kitchen, checked ALL coat pockets and jeans, dressing gown, all drawers upstairs, underneath bed etc. Ive thoroughly checked my car whilst hoovering it and the money and card has vanished.

Now, I rang DP and asked if when he comes home he could count his money as he could have accidentally put the money with his. He got defensive about it saying he didnt have it, it was my problem but I can borrow £70 off him and give it him back when I find the money.

I'm so confused because hes never acted like this before, never took money off me but no ones been in the house besides us since Saturday when I got it, no kids or pets who could have had it. I really want to trust him but him straight away jumping on the defense has made me question it Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/10/2018 12:10

But its not there and thats really the only place i would have put it

Does that mean you don't actually recall if you put it there or not?

SaucyJack · 22/10/2018 12:11

He couldn’t have mistaken it for his if it was folded around/underneath your card. No one is that stupid.

His reaction means nothing. You did accuse him of stealing- however you wish to dress it up. Most people would be angry or hurt by this.

I reckon you need to give it a week or so to see if it’s truly been stolen. Check the bins. Retrace your steps. It’s quite hard when you’re searching in a panic to remember that you stuffed it between those two big books on the bookshelf on the way to the loo when you dashed in for a wee.

But if it doesn’t turn up... I dunno? Doesn’t look good on him.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 12:12

It's silly to have money in a back jeans pocket because it's the easiest place for a pickpocket - could that have been what happened?

What else is going on with your relationship - two things stand out a) what everyone else has said - wondering if your DP took it b) that his reaction wasn't immediately to see if you'd got enough money for your needs

To me, if you are a DP that means sharing the losses as well as the benefits.

Hissy · 22/10/2018 12:12

love, you have known him for a few months - not even a year, so while 'out of the ordinary' is gauged in the time you know him, it's not a very long period to know the bigger picture.

Your instincts are telling you his reaction is odd. because it IS odd.

This bloke is an unknown to you.

I know you think you know him, but if you look at abusive relationships (this is not relevant to you, but I do have a point, promise) It takes on average about 2 YEARS for an abuser to show their colours.

If we think in these terms that the first 2 years of ANY relationship is a honeymoon period, people are loved up (hormones flying) best behaviour etc etc, then add in the fact that you have put a roof over his head, saving him money no doubt, the vested interests he has had to get his toe in the door are on the wane, he has a holiday upcoming and you left cash about. Let's not rule out that he COULD have taken it.

My suggestion is to go along with it a little bit longer to the tune of 'silly me, I can't find the card and cash anywhere, you say you saw it upstairs, can you show me where you last saw it and hopefully it won't be too far' and see what happens

You say you only ever put things in the drawer in the living room, would there be any reason why you would have taken the card and cash upstairs?

LagunaBubbles · 22/10/2018 12:12

Has he ever done anything to make you not trust him before?

Soubriquet · 22/10/2018 12:14

I get where you’re coming from OP

It’s not that you think he’s stolen your money. It’s that he has picked it up thinking it’s his

However now he’s feeling defensive and doesn’t want to admit his mistake

I would think he has it

fuzzywuzzy · 22/10/2018 12:14

I put money on the side a few months back, when I remembered it the next day it wasn’t there.

So I asked DP if he’d seen it/moved it. That’s not accusing at all in any shape or form. I was just perplexed as to where it could be. DP did not get defensive nor did he call me names or assume I was accusing him of theft.

Turned out on asking others in the house if they’d seen it that DD had moved it as she didn’t think it was a safe place for money.

Nobody in our household got hysterical that I was accusing them of stealing at all.

If people here get angry with their partners over being asked if they’ve seen mislaid items/money and immediately assume they’re being accused of stealing. Then really that’s their conscience.

OP I think it’s perfectly logical presuming DP went thro the house collecting wads of money to put in his money box assuming it’s his takings. What’s odd is him immediately jumping on the defensive and calling you names.

I’d go by his attitude that he has stolen from you and is intending on stealing more as he’s also taken your card and kick him out. Cancel your card inform your bank your card has been lost presumably stolen and to ensure no further transactions are authorised on your old card.

Whatever your relationship is over.

Original poster
Aalaaya · 22/10/2018 12:14

I came out of an abusive relationship 3 yrs prior to meeting DP. I will feel heartbroken and stupid if he has took it for opening up to someone again Sad

OP posts:
Hissy · 22/10/2018 12:14

more updates, i agree it looks less than good :(

Yonijust · 22/10/2018 12:15

Have you got the card?

Is he trying to cause arguments, so he can go on the holiday 'single'?

Blanchedupetitpois · 22/10/2018 12:16

If you had the money at home and now it’s gone I would be inclined to think theft too. How far could it realistically have gone unless he took it? His reaction is suspicious too. If I asked my DP if he had accidentally picked up my money he certainly wouldn’t be angry or call me a cow.

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 12:17

You moved him into your house, just 4 months into the relationship?

I'd say that's possibly where all this has come from.

I think the very last thing most people would think is that their partner has stolen money that's gone missing.

But in your situation, it's probably a bit different.

itswinetime · 22/10/2018 12:18

But its not there and thats really the only place i would have put it

I'm honestly no trying to nitpick you but you don't actually remember putting it there? money and a card are slim they aren't like phones keys ect they are easily missed and taken out later. I am a nightmare for leaving them in the pocket and then seeing the card going round the wash.

People keep saying you don't know him i must have missed the post where you say how long you have been together. But I do agree if you think he is someone that would steal from you then i do think there is much of a future. I don't see why he would take your card though so i would keep searching if you find it without the money you have your answer. If you find both then you need to think about the lack of trust.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/10/2018 12:19

So you pulled it out of your jeans pocket yesterday, showed it to DP and ... then what? Did you put it back in your pocket? So it might have dropped out anywhere? Did you go out again? Even into the garden or bin cupboard?

You think you probably put it in your "stuff" drawer but it's clearly not there.

Where in the house did you go after that?
Is it the washing basket?
Is it in the washing machine?
Or the bin?
(those are all places where I've found things ...)

Hissy · 22/10/2018 12:20

My dear, the only error you made was to trust someone who let you down. That's on the ex, and if it's the case with this guy, that's on him.

His reaction is off. way off and regardless of the money, for that and that alone, calling you a cow etc, he ought to get his stuff and go, ideally today.

Never let anyone treat you with anything less than full respect, his immediate descent to name calling when all you did was ask a question anyone would have asked is enough

If we are to consider that you are someone who has had an abusive relationship before, then you need to factor in that abusers start to show signs, little things here and there that if you let them get away with it, will increase and get only ever worse.

draw a line now and you have a clear set of boundaries that are not to be trampled over

SushiMonster · 22/10/2018 12:21

Bet he took it.

Antigon · 22/10/2018 12:22

I would say go with your instincts.

Your instincts are telling you he is a thief.

Does he contribute equally to the house (rent, bills, food etc)?

Oswaldspengler · 22/10/2018 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 12:27

I'm pretty sure I'd do more than call the OP a cow if I was him.

And being in an abusive relationship in the past, does not give her a free licence to accuse him of theft.

Bearbehind · 22/10/2018 12:28

The part of this that is the most 'off' is the fact he says he's seen the bank card on its own.

That sounds to me like he has taken the money and has put the card out now he knows he's been found out.

Nothing else makes any sense.

dworky · 22/10/2018 12:29

To those saying how terrible it is for OP to think her partner has stolen from her, what else CAN she think? If she's sure the money & card are missing and no-one else has access then it can only be him.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 22/10/2018 12:29

It doesn't sound to me like you accused him at all. If I lost something the first person I would ask is my DH and he wouldn't assume I was accusing him of be dishonest! That's a really off reaction to a reasonable question.

My exh would often steal/lie and his reaction would have been exactly that of your DP.

I hope it turns up and that he hasn't stolen it but I have a bad feeling.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/10/2018 12:30

Accusers her partner of being a thief

No she didnt! She asked him if he could have put it in his cash box by mistake which sounds easily done, he was the one who escalated it into "You have accused me of theft".

Anyone without anything to worry about would say "Well I dont think so, but I will have a look when I get home" They wouldnt immediately fly off the handle, that indicates a guilty conscience to me.

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 12:31

To those saying how terrible it is for OP to think her partner has stolen from her, what else CAN she think?

That she simply hasn't found it yet?

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 12:33

Anyone without anything to worry about would say "Well I dont think so, but I will have a look when I get home" They wouldnt immediately fly off the handle, that indicates a guilty conscience to me.

Have you considered the OP may have had a certain tone of voice, that made it clear she thought he'd stolen it?