Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To think DPs took this money?

173 replies

Aalaaya · 22/10/2018 11:30

DPs job involves cash rather than having money in the bank. He keeps his money in a secure box upstairs and puts in the bank whenever. He is better off than me. I had £70 in 10 pound notes and my bank card in my jeans back pocket (silly I know) but both me and DP remember me pulling it out and saying I needed to put it in the bank towards my car finance. I only put things e.g car keys, money, reciepts etc in a drawer in a living room to be sorted out. Its not there. Ive emptied every drawer, pulled out all the sofas, cushions, checked underneath, checked the kitchen, checked ALL coat pockets and jeans, dressing gown, all drawers upstairs, underneath bed etc. Ive thoroughly checked my car whilst hoovering it and the money and card has vanished.

Now, I rang DP and asked if when he comes home he could count his money as he could have accidentally put the money with his. He got defensive about it saying he didnt have it, it was my problem but I can borrow £70 off him and give it him back when I find the money.

I'm so confused because hes never acted like this before, never took money off me but no ones been in the house besides us since Saturday when I got it, no kids or pets who could have had it. I really want to trust him but him straight away jumping on the defense has made me question it

OP posts:

Antigon · 22/10/2018 12:34

This man has only lived in OP's home for SIX months. She has only known him for 11 months.

He has not yet earned her unstinting trust.

OP was naive to have him move in so soon but she would be even more naïve to compound her error by ignoring signs that he can't be trusted.

OP, you don't need any reason to have him move out of your home other than you no longer want him there. That's it.

dworky · 22/10/2018 12:35

That she simply hasn't found it yet?
But she's looked everywhere in her minimalist type home.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/10/2018 12:36

I can't see how "have you picked it up by mistake" is anything other than a thinnly veiled accusation of stealing. If he'd realised it was her money, he wouldn't have picked it up. If it was in the drawer where OP claims she always leaves her things, then it couldn't have been accidentally picked up.

It would have been more natural for OP to say "I've misplaced that money - did you happen to notice where I'd put it?" Most people would assume that they'd simply put it somewhere and forgotten where - their first thought wouldn't be that their partner had picked it up.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/10/2018 12:39

Accusers her partner of being a thief

No she didnt! She asked him if he could have put it in his cash box by mistake which sounds easily done, he was the one who escalated it into "You have accused me of theft".

Anyone without anything to worry about would say "Well I dont think so, but I will have a look when I get home" They wouldnt immediately fly off the handle, that indicates a guilty conscience to me.

ToadOfSadness · 22/10/2018 12:39

Just in case check anywhere you may have sat in case it has slipped down behind a cushion.

Otherwise I think I would be packing his bags, not just for the chance he took it, but because he is a knob.

howmanyusernames · 22/10/2018 12:39

I lost my house and car keys recently. I knew I had opened the front door with them, and then literally walked into the kitchen (approx. 15 steps away).

For 3 weeks me and my husband searched the WHOLE HOUSE, up and down, went through the bins, checked the garden out the front and back (in case they'd been put in a pocket, the clothing had been washed and they had then fallen out when it was hung up), but nothing. The car key would have cost £300+ to replace so we kept looking every single day for 3 weeks.

We went away for a few days, my Mum was looking after the dogs, she found the keys within 2 days down the middle of the sofa, which we had checked several times - we have a 1 year old....!

So, your money could be in the house somewhere, just because you can't find it now it doesn't mean your OH has taken it, and it will probably pop up and you'll feel embarrassed.

Did your ex take money from you? Is that making you think your OH is doing it now? If so, all you can do is explain why you might think this. If not, then it is a bit off you accusing him with no grounds.

You have also moved very quickly in living together, and while I don't think these things should have a set time (my now husband moved in with me, from overseas, after 6 months of dating), you are maybe not ready to have made this step just yet?

How long ago did you and your ex split up?

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 12:39

But she's looked everywhere in her minimalist type home.

Me and my DS looked everywhere in ours, for his bus pass yesterday.

We still managed to find it this morning.

Thenewdoctor · 22/10/2018 12:40

You’ve basically accused him of stealing.

dworky · 22/10/2018 12:40

Most people would assume that they'd simply put it somewhere and forgotten where - their first thought wouldn't be that their partner had picked it up.
Depends on the partner & how long you'd known them, surely?

SecretWitch · 22/10/2018 12:41

Honey, £70 is a lot of money. I would be very upset if I lost that amount too. Your bigger issue is having a man in the house you don’t trust. Im guessing you have other reasons for this distrust too. What do you see as the resolution to this?

KurriKurri · 22/10/2018 12:41

I'd say your relationship is down the pan because either

He stole money from you
or
the think he is the kind of person who would steal money from you.

Either way it's not going to end well.

It's actually quite common to lose things and have looked everywhere and then they either turn up in an incredibly unlikely place (one that you wouldn't have had on your list of places to look) or they turn up in a place where you have already looked and you just didn't see them. it is possible to stare straight at something and not 'see' it.

Again either way, if you find it, you will be wondering if he has sneakily put it back because you have cottoned on to it being gone.
You will still suspect him, and if hes innocent he will know exacty what you think of him.

A relationship that is going to last, would start from the place where it would never cross your mind that your DP had taken it because you completetly trust him. Whatever has happened to your money, your relationship is on shaky ground.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/10/2018 12:44

The money was last seen on Saturday.
So unless OP spent all Sunday inside the house (of course possible - and she did search her car, so must have thought it was possible it was in there) then it could be anywhere by now. She doesn't actually remember putting it in the drawer.

Notacluewhatthisis · 22/10/2018 12:45

Jesus Christ, I have read it all now people writing 'he must have taken it......does he contribute to bills?'

Wtf? How is that relevant. Thieves pay bills too.

Antigon · 22/10/2018 12:48

Notaclue - I didn't say he must have taken it, if you're referring to me. Stop playing Chinese whispers.

SaucyJack · 22/10/2018 12:48

“But she's looked everywhere in her minimalist type home.”

I lost my vape recently. I’d left it on the arm of the sofa, and it wasn’t there half hour later. I searched the whole sofa, under the sofa, the lounge, the bins, the kitchen, the whole flat. Had a complete tiff at DP- accusing him of moving it and leaving it somewhere stupid. Eight hours later I flopped down on the sofa in a strop, picked up the cushion..... no prizes for guessing the punchline.

She needs to give it a good week or so before she can draw any sort of conclusion.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/10/2018 12:50

She needs to give it a good week or so before she can draw any sort of conclusion.

The trouble is that OP has already drawn her conclusion. If the money does turn up in a few days' time, she'll just assume DP has put it there.

PumpkinPie2016 · 22/10/2018 12:52

Could you have mistakenly binned them? I once put my car keys in the wheelie bin

Only realised later in the day when I wanted to go out. Thankfully it was the paper bin and it wasn't bin day!

I don't think OP accused her partner of stealing though?! If you lose something in a house, surely it's natural to ask the other occupants whether they have seen it or mistakenly moved it? Since her partner works for cash, he could surely quite easily have picked up the OP's cash by mistake?

If he had nothing to hide then surely his response would be along the lines of 'not sure but I'll check when I get home'

To be honest, his reaction would be a red flag for me and I would be considering our future together or indeed whether we had one at all!

Notacluewhatthisis · 22/10/2018 12:54

I would say go with your instincts.Your instincts are telling you he is a thief. Does he contribute equally to the house (rent, bills, food etc)?

This is what you said you clearly believe that the OP is right and he stole it. Dispute no evidence or back story.

Then you want to know if he pays bills. How will that prove anything? Or you just looking for more sorts to prove this gut must be a dick?

What's your agenda?

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2018 12:56

The thing is it is very easy to misplace things, and she seems unclear where she put it. In addition she is very obviously accusing him of theft, not a mistaken pick up.

Those saying he's definitely taken it are nuts. There is no definitely about it unless you've a video camera in her house.

Faultymain5 · 22/10/2018 12:57

If he'd realised it was her money, he wouldn't have picked it up.

Unless of course at the time of picking it up, he hadn't realised it was her money.

Do people's lives lack such imagination and colour that asking innocently "did you move something?" turns into "you have committed a heinous crime" worthy of an episode of Law and Order.

You guys are such jokers. I think he may have overreacted, but why is he overreacting to the suggestion that he could have moved it amongst his stuff, thinking it was his.

Gingerrogered · 22/10/2018 12:59

that his reaction wasn't immediately to see if you'd got enough money for your needs

He did. He offered to lend her £70 to tide her over.

If anybody is being abusive in this relationship it’s the OP. ‘Any chance you could have taken £70 and my bank card by accident’ would make it really obvious the suspicion was that he stole it. And that is what the OP suspects, he would have picked up on it. If the OP goes ahead and accused him with zero evidence and he’s not done it, that is straight up emotional abuse.

It could have gone in the bin, in the washer, down the back of the sofa, behind the bed board, shoved in a book, mixed up with a magazine. You even get sneak thieves who go through unlocked doors and steal cash. If there was any backstory with gambling or alcohol or previous thefts then then I could understand. But I really think in these circumstances it’s an awful thing to think without any evidence.

If my partner thought this I would leave them. Straight away, no question.

I also think it’s interesting that people on here are saying the OP has not known him long enough to trust him. But nobody seems to have issue with the idea he should trust the OP when she says she lost it and willingly open his wallet and hand over his money with no questions asked. MN double standards.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/10/2018 13:02

Nobody has said he should open his wallet and hand over his money.

He should open and count out his cash and compare it against is takings to see if he hasn’t accidentally added it to his takings.

And asking the only other person in the house if he’s accidentally picked up your cash is not abusive at all.

Faultymain5 · 22/10/2018 13:05

Now asking if someone made a mistake is abuse. I have literally heard it all now.
MN I need to work. But you keep dragging me in with this nonsense.

Gingerrogered · 22/10/2018 13:06

If the money does turn up in a few days' time, she'll just assume DP has put it there.

Yep. I hope he gets wind of it and dumps OP. It’s an awful thing to do without evidence. I’ve had this sort of allegation made about me falsely too and exactly what you say happened. The woman in my case publicly accused me in a dormitory full of other women of taking something. She found it, she’d dropped it down the side of her bed, but she accused me of putting it there.

It still upsets me now, thinking about it.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/10/2018 13:06

If he'd realised it was her money, he wouldn't have picked it up.

faultymain said "Unless of course at the time of picking it up, he hadn't realised it was her money."

Yes, he could have picked up the money without realising it was hers.
The statement above talks about what he would do if he had realised it was hers.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7