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AIBU?

To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

333 replies

caitlinohara · 20/10/2018 12:50

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

OP posts:
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Gettingbackonmyfeet · 20/10/2018 16:59

I do honestly find this reaction to gaming really odd

I know a lot of people feel like it but hibestlt it's all about how you want things to be not what their interests are and really?it depresses you that your DC are interested in things you aren't?

In the early nineteenth century there was the famous novel outcry where parents and the older generation rung their hands at the new fad of young people ...gasp...reading novels. They claimed that it would fit their brains and was a waste of time

Then tv was invented and the same outcry , then phones and video games

It's very silly to be so pearl clutching about this

Ultimately your home and your DC so your decision but my Dm on occasion used to ban things because she had arbitrarily decided they weren't of worth or weren't what she liked...her relationship with both of us is limited at best (obviously I am not suggesting not buying one games console will lead to estrangement at all)

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Llareggub · 20/10/2018 17:07

I bought the games console for me. We all enjoy a game together. my sons play Fortnite of course but neither of them can beat me at a classic fighting game. I miss playing the lego games with them, we never got to finish star wars. Give it a go, you might surprise yourself.

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HerRoyalNotness · 20/10/2018 17:13

My 2 got one last year at 10 and 7, I wish we hadn’t tbh. They are currently banned from iPads and Xbox as they have refused to complete homework and grades are slipping. They don’t actually care 🤪. But I have noticed my 11yo especially is a lot less aggressive and back to the nice, kind boy we know.

If you’re going to get it, strict limits on how long he can play on it and expectations of what has to be done before he can should be set and stuck to.

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ChilliHobnobs · 20/10/2018 17:41

If you want to limit time on it you set it up in your main TV room and tell him when he can and can't go on it.

Good luck with sticking to that! It's a nightmare when they are in the main tv room when the cute 12 year old becomes a stroppy teen who is taller than you. We do stick to it but it's carefully balanced with responsibilities and rewards aka bribery

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ProfessorMoody · 20/10/2018 18:24

I find the attitude to gaming really hard to understand too.

I've been gaming for well over 30 years and it has been quite beneficial. It helps with many things and is only out of control if the parents lets it happen.

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Darkstar4855 · 20/10/2018 18:31

My partner’s 12yo has one but it’s in our living room so we can keep a close eye on what he’s playing, who he’s talking to etc. He knows if he doesn’t come off it when asked to that it’ll get taken away so we never have any trouble with arguments.

He plays games online with his school friends and they all chat to each other so I think it’s good from a social point of view, there’s also the problem solving aspect and learning to persevere through the difficult parts of a game in order to complete it.

I think YAB a little U.

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Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/10/2018 18:34

My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time

And this is why you're the parent; you get to choose how much/often they use it and how it's used (in bedrooms, in family rooms, weekends only, time earned through doing chores, the world is your oyster).

YABU to say flat-out no. If you aren't able to control their usage of it, that's on you. Not them.

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spiderlight · 20/10/2018 19:07

I held out for a long time but my DS was getting left out of a lot of chat at school, and was upset when others in his friendship group were arranging to 'meet' in their shared Minecraft world after school and he couldn't join in. I do curse it occasionally when he gets stroppy about being dragged off Fortnite or Forza, but then I remember an incident with a little girl I used to look after for a friend many years ago. Her mum didn't have a TV but didn't mind her watching it at mine occasionally. I picked her up from school one day and popped the TV on while I was making her tea. I realised after a few minutes that she was sitting there with tears slowly rolling down her cheeks, and when I asked her why, she turned to me with a big watery smile and said 'At school tomorrow, when the others say "Did you see Home and Away last night?" I'll be able to say yes!'

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Fisharesexy · 20/10/2018 19:15

YABU.
My son is on his XBOX all the time. He has forged deep friendships with school friends and their friends. He has a huge social circle and is very popular.
I've never understood the hatred of screen time on MN.
He does rugby twice a week, sees his cousins twice a week, rides his bike. But most of his social life outside school is his XBOX.
He will be ostracised without it. I find it baffling that your son doesn't have a console.
It won't damage him, make him violent, make him a recluse. If it does, it's poor parenting and poor game choice.
I'm a huge fan of playing computer games, always have been. Nothing I love more than playing on my PS4 when I have the time.
I have a big bond with my son because of this. As well as nieces and nephews and sons friends. Who think it's hilarious his 40 yr old mum knows about Fortnite etc.
A lot of people who complain about consoles don't have any real knowledge of them.
Let him join in with his friends, let him have fun whilst forging friendships. He can still do other stuff and play games.

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Fisharesexy · 20/10/2018 19:20

Fortnite is not violent by the way, its a cartoon game. Its a great game, good fun etc. I have no problem letting my 9 yr old son play it, nor do any of the parents in his class.
They are responsible people, the kids are not aggressive, violent etc because of it.

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Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 20/10/2018 19:26

I'm 25 and bought my first console this year.

My dad never let us have them and actually I thank him for it. My memories are of playing board games with my family and doing things together rather than being stuck in my own game in my room somewhere.

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ProfessorMoody · 20/10/2018 20:41

Agreed Fish.

I've been able to build bonds with very troubled children I've taught because of my knowledge of gaming.

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SquashedInTight · 20/10/2018 20:43

I think it is more of an issue with children like your DS1. Of my two children, one has his behaviour affected hugely by any sort of game, or even too much TV. The other could watch TV or game all day and would not behave badly or be addicted. She can take it or leave it! I am not sure what I will do when they are teens, but would be interested to know if anyone has a solution! My friend's son is also obsessive, and he is a little better as an adult, but only with certain games. He chooses not to play now, because he doesn't like what it does to him.

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BertieBotts · 20/10/2018 20:46

The wii is a bit outdated now. The switch is good, very family friendly (though fortnite is also available) and much better than going down the route of a "proper" console or PC gaming. You can set up modern consoles to have screen time limits per day on them.

I don't think children do discuss TV any more because it's not a constant in the way it once was. There are so many different sources of TV - Sky, freeview, now, not to mention all of the on demand services, nobody watches TV in the same way, not just kids.

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ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 21:08

I actually don't think game consoles are always anti social, my DH and 2 DSs are playing a game on the PS4 together right now. They are taking it in turns, talking tactics and laughing lots. Not that different to a board game really. It's actually nice to watch as we're all so busy most of the time it's nice they have had time to do together. Often when we're at home we're working, clearing up, doing homework etc so not actually spending time together.

The main rule we have is that the kids are not allowed to play against each other as that does cause a problem.

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plaidpyjamas · 20/10/2018 21:09

OP I don't think you are unreasonable at all. You know your DS and feel this won't work for him. Fine. There are so many posters on here talking about ways that they limit and control their kids' gaming time and this in itself shows how addictive it is. How many parents set a limit on reading time? or playing outside time? My DS is 10 and has recently had his first console. Luckily he doesn't really have that addictive personality and he likes to do lots of different things. He has never played fortnite and shows no interest and this hasn't affected his friendships at school in any way. So I just wanted to say that although there is a weight of opinion one way on here, it doesn't mean that view is correct.

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Aquilla · 20/10/2018 21:12

Let him have one but limit it to Friday night -Sunday only. You've done very well (I know 7 year old who play Fortnite) so now take a break and rest on your laurels.

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ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 21:14

Plaid - I don't think that's true as most people have to say stop reading lights out or you can go out till X time so that is putting limits on things. Maybe I'm lucky that I never have to limit as such as they know their bed times so don't stay on the PS4 longer than they should. Other parents I know only allow them on at weekends.

We have 5 consoles in the house so I don't think they see it as anything special really. That definitely helps.

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Whyisitsodifficult · 20/10/2018 21:14

Slightly derailing this thread... but could you explain to me how they chat to their friends? We’re thinking of getting an Xbox or PlayStation but how do they talk? Is it with the Xbox live card I see in shops? If so how much do they cost? I have no clue to any of this!

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ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 21:17

You have to buy an Xbox live or PlayStation plus subscription. Around £50 but can get it cheaper if you search around online.

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HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 20/10/2018 21:19

Your choices as parents, however also as a parent of a 12 year old (who plays FIFA) YABU! for reasons mentioned above!!!

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littlemisscomper · 20/10/2018 21:20

I can fully see both sides of this. If I were you OP I would get one, not for him but 'for the family', and use it for a reward. Much better than having it be his and banning him from it as a punishment. You can use it as a 'when/then' device which will be really useful as he becomes a teenager.

'When you've tidied your room/done your ironing/emptied the bins/walked the dog/finished your homework then you may have 2 hours of gaming on the console'.

A great way of getting chores done in a positive atmosphere. I would set a firm rule from the start that any pestering to use it for an 'anyway' or moaning when the 2 hours is up automatically equals 10 minutes off his next session. He'll learn pretty quickly to respect that one!

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plaidpyjamas · 20/10/2018 21:28

Zany - yes you're right and I take the point. But I still don't feel that reminding your child it's lights off/ time for bed is quite the same as the lengths some parents have to go to with controlling access to devices. If the OPs DS is likely to have these kind of difficulties I can understand her reluctance.

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Creas35 · 20/10/2018 21:30

I haven’t read any other replies so apologies if this is a repeat but for the Nintendo Switch you get an app and set a timer and once the timer runs out it disables the switch completely even mid game (it’s gives you a couple of warnings before). It really suits us this way so we set the limits.

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KingIrving · 20/10/2018 21:38

I was in your shoes 4 years ago when we moved to Australia.
I was strongly opposed to a gaming console, but I had to accept, that this is the way teens interact now.
They go to each others house to play on a ps4 or whatever, sometimes, it is very weird, there are seven of them, 2 on a split screen on the ps4, the other each on their own device and they might even be playing all together in some virtual world.
I have set very strong rules. No gaming during the week Monday to Thursday. They can play on Friday afternoon but Saturday/Sunday it is limited and only if all homework - assignments are done, even if not due for the next week. Never gaming in the morning, unless they have a friend for a sleepover.
We only have one TV in a lounge room and this is where the ps is connected. I would NEVER allow a gaming device in a bedroom.

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