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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

333 replies

caitlinohara · 20/10/2018 12:50

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

OP posts:
mum11970 · 20/10/2018 15:33

It would be very unreasonable in our house. We’ve had consoles since before the kids were born and have had no issues with behaviour due to them and our children now range from adult to early teens. Just asked ds (13) and his friend, who are playing on the PS4, if they knew anyone without a console and it was a resounding no from them.

ProfessorMoody · 20/10/2018 15:34

OP - so your child has no hobbies or interests? You don't tackle his obsessive behaviour and you're not there to regulate him?

Surely this is something you need to sort out?

And why can't gaming be a hobby or interest?

ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 15:35

YABU, I don't know any 9 or 10 yos without consoles let alone 12yos. Fortnite is fine for younger kids, none of it is real violence. Very cartoony in fact my DS12 and a few of his friends don't really bother with it that much anymore.

We have never had an issue with limits but then again they have had the PS4 for about 5 years now so it's not a novelty in anyway. They do loads of sport/music etc so there is not too much opportunity to be on there hours and hours so if they do have a rare spare day then I don't necessarily have to limit it.

Homework, music practice and anything else always has to be done first, they automatically do this now as it's 2nd nature. 10yo plays in the lounge in front of us so I can monitor if he is online etc, 12yo is in his room but he he trustworthy and pretty mature.

I do believe each child is so different though, if you set rules before you start then hopefully that will help.

Catsandbootsandbootsandcats · 20/10/2018 15:39

We have consoles, but only one tv which means they are restricted on the times they can use it. None in the morning, and after school once homework has been done, till dinner time. So they get a couple of hours on it. Although none of mine are particularly into it anymore and have got into tv programmes a lot more - like Supernatural, Marvel & DC stuff.

The same rules apply with their phones/tablets too. And I don't have too much of a problem bar the odd sneaking to bed of a phone.

Oblomov18 · 20/10/2018 15:41

But your not addressing it op. You could Read up of what a complex issue it is and all the things you can at Least try to do, to regulate it.

Because you are actually denying him totally. Which actually isn't addressing his trait, at all.

Self control is hard, for many of us, me included.

but we can at least try 4 or 5 different techniques to control: timer, make ourselves stop and do another diversion/something we also like to do, to stop us from only playing fortnite for 10 hours continuously!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2018 15:42

I do not think any of my kids would do anything else if we had a games console

You know your DS best, and if he can't self regulate and you believe restrictions would cause more trouble than it's worth, I think you're right to say no. The "immaturity" you describe could also cause yet more rows with which games he's allowed, and that's if he'd be prepared to stick to those for 12 year olds which might be unlikely

I don't pretend to speak for all, but those I know with kids of this age tell me that "everyone" most certainly doesn't have one, though it's no surprise that the children - and those parents unable to say no - insist they do

In the end he's the child and you're the parent - so you get to decide

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 20/10/2018 15:43

YABU. Let him have something all other kids have and enjoy and something he likes. Unless it's because you can't afford it, you're mean.

rosydreams · 20/10/2018 15:45

personally i think its something that could be used for a learning experience.

Teach them its fine to play games but like any hobby it cant take over your life and set restrictions.You can play for example no more than 2hrs a day and if you break that rule time will be cut and i will lock up the power cable.

But each to their own

Didiusfalco · 20/10/2018 15:48

So is this one of those threads?

Op: should I get him a console?
Almost Everyone: YES!
Op: Nope, you’re wrong.

busybarbara · 20/10/2018 15:49

Get a PC instead. That way they can play games when people come round and social network but can also learn things like coding and Photoshop and other life skills. A PC can fit the bill without being so addictive due to how they're designed.

4forkssake · 20/10/2018 15:54

Haven't RTFT cos app keeps playing funny buggers. I think as the parent it's your responsibility to limit screen time, not rely on a 12 year old to do so. So you set the rules regarding what you think is acceptable screen time. I have a 12 & 8 year old & they are given warning that they need to come off their game in 10 mins / after the game they've played has finished & they come off. No arguments. Give & take so that they know if I say you need to come off in 5 mins but they're playing something that could last another 10, they tell me & I'm fine with that. I think it's quite sad that at 12, there's no sort of console in the house (if they're interested in it) - almost all the kids that age play fortnite & he'll be left out if he's not.

bookmum08 · 20/10/2018 15:58

Does he really want one because he is interested in the games or because all his mates have one? When you go to town does he want to spend ages in Game or Cex and tell you every little detail about all the games and characters? Does he read gaming magazines? Does he ask to go to gaming events or clubs? Can he explain the difference betwwen Playstation/Xbox/Switch and sensibly discuss the pros and cons of each? If the answer to any of those is no then he probably doesn't really want one. It's just because Everyone Else Has One.

sickmumma · 20/10/2018 16:00

Yes my 9 year old does play fortnite, my 7 year old does on occasion too however they know the rules - they are not allowed to fill the spaces as this enables people to speak to them. Their settings are high so they can only add people we know and people can't find them. Mainly they just go int he playground mode together so just play against each other. I put off them playing it for a while, however DH started playing it and said apart from the chat feature there is no reason why it's any different to the normal shoot em up games (they had Disney infinity marvel which the playground mode is almost identical to, Lego marvel games) as it's cartoon and nothing gory or graphic. They normally play with a couple of friends and also my brother is he's around, we have a PlayStation in the living room and also the old one upstairs so they will play duos and talk to each other. 5 year old doesn't play consoles at all and isn't interested either.

The boys also play Fifa, rocket league and the Lego games.

davisday · 20/10/2018 16:02

book. That's a bit much. Maybe he wants one because they seem like real fun.

None of mine ticked any of your boxes before being given a console.

SeaToSki · 20/10/2018 16:03

Fortnite is designed with the help of neuropsychologists to be more addictive. If your DS has obsessive tendancies to tech and no other main activities or interests, I wouldnt let him near it with a barge pole. If he wants to chat about it with his mates he can watch you tube videos about it.

Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions for them, he is only 12 and could easily develop an addiction.

As regards other games, i would maybe consider something, but it would be after a family meeting to discuss the rules and requirements around gaming. What does he have to do every day to earn his game time at the weekend. What are the consequences for not stopping immediately if he is called (this is very important to train as not being able to stop right away is one of the hallmarks of a budding addiction problem). If he doenst hold up his end, immediate consequences with no debate or whining. I would suggest that he needs to pick an activity of club to join and participate in to earn weekend gaming time. Any infractions result in an hour of gaming being lost. Etc etc

FishesThatFly · 20/10/2018 16:10

The wii is so old and past it now, no wonder it's not played.

Ds1 has wii, wiiu, xbox 360, switch, ps4
Ds2 ps4

Need to move with the times otherwise you're at risk of your son being alienated from his friends.

bookmum08 · 20/10/2018 16:15

davisday well if the OP can afford to spend the £100s the consoles cost then fine - get one. My daughter would love one .She is essentailly the child I described above . But we simply can not afford one. We have a Wii because we got it secondhand for £20 . They aren't made anymore so the games are only sold secondhand now and we have got a decent selection thanks to CEX. She is quite understanding that we can't afford a Switch. I have joked we will get one in the year 2030 - when they are all secondhand. If a 12 year old wanted to take up skiing because "all his mates do it" but actually has no idea where people go to ski and couldn't find Switzerland on a map would people be so "oh just spend the £100s so he can be like his mates and not feel left out".

davisday · 20/10/2018 16:22

Projecting much then?

mostdays · 20/10/2018 16:23

Ds2 has an Xbox one that cost £150 second hand. There are loads out there in that price bracket.

mediumbrownmug · 20/10/2018 16:33

Yabu. My dad was like this, and I grew up without much screen time. As soon as I got a job I bought my first console, and now I collect them. (I have all the ones I wasn’t allowed. Grin) But I still feel excluded from nostalgic conversations about tv and video games. DH sometimes posts on FB about the things I say wrong about pop culture.

bookmum08 · 20/10/2018 16:35

Maybe I am a bit jealous by the amount of money that some people seem to have davisday. Wouldn't anyone who is on a low income and doesn't have the means to pay towards things that they would like to be able to have? I would love to have several Lego sets that cost £100s but I can't afford too but I go to my adult Lego club and join in with events and have fun with my other Lego chums and their sets. Am I a bit jealous? Of course I am. I just think it's nuts to spend so much money on something that the novelty may have worn off by mid January but if the OP can afford it - then whatever.

teaandtoast · 20/10/2018 16:36

YABU.

And, agree, oldfashioned.

MissContrary · 20/10/2018 16:51

Surely it's no different monitoring time on a console than it is on an ipad? I don't see the difference between them really, as a pp said it's all screen time.

Applepudding2018 · 20/10/2018 16:53

So what does your son do with his time at the moment ? My understanding of your posts is that he only likes using screen equipment such as iPad, iPhone, so how us the console different in this respect? You are just swapping one screen for another. I know times can change very quickly (my DS is 17 now) but at 12 practically all of his communication with his friends was via PlayStation live.

What tactics do you have at present to limit the screen time on his phone and tablet. As surely it's just the same for the games console?

It is a difficult line between not having your DS feel left out from the things his friends do, and not compromising your beliefs. I remember that age 11 DS was the only boy in his class that wasn't allowed to play call of duty; however he had all the FIFA and minecraft and just linked in with whoever was playing these games .

I think most worrying is that your DS has no other interests such as sport, and the acquisition of A games console as opposed to other screen use is just a red herring.

Namechange8471 · 20/10/2018 16:59

I love my games consoles!

I started at much younger than your son, and to be honest it's never done me any harm .it allowed me a way to relax after school, and talk with my peers etc.

There are plus sides to gaming, plus it is for Xmas. There's no point buying him white he won't bother with, just get a second hand one if you're skint.