To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

[caitlinohara]

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

Professor Please don't feel too sorry for him. He is not deprived of attention, love, a lot of freedom due to where we live and many material things. I have 3 children of whom he is the eldest and I work full time. I can't be there to unglue him all the time and I have learned from experience that when I am not he cannot self-regulate with screens.

My 7 year old is getting a console but won't be getting fortnite or any over 18 games.

So how are you dealing with his obsessive traits?

Genuine question.
We all have traits we don't like. And children who have inherited some of them!!

He does have 1. an iPhone, 2. a tablet, 3. access to my computer on which he can play Garage Band, 4. a Wii (occasionally brought out), he is not tech-free. Access to all these items has been restricted or withdrawn at various times due to inability to put them down and come for meals, do chores, join in with family life in general. He does no sports or other clubs and will not, we have tried.

I do think it's all about balance, I really do get that. I am not anti-games in general, although I have no interest in them myself. I am just anti-games for him because the balance is not there - I am worried that in the absence of other interests these games would become all-consuming.

This peer pressure thing is hard.

And yes fortnite is very addictive. And can create stroppy rude behaviour.

But I had that from ds1, when he turned into 'Kevin and Perry' pre fortnite even being created.

Ds1 and ds2 also play/train for football 3 times a week, but in between once homework and their jobs round the house (clean the bathroom, downstairs toilet and sweep patio) are done, they do little else but play fortnite.

What other activities do your dc do?

oblomov (love your name by the way) I don't think you can stop someone being obsessive, can you? If there is a woollier phrase than 'helping children make the right choices' I have never heard it.

No, op but it's your parental duty to at least try and address it/tone it down/work at it/find coping mechanisms.

For his obsessiveness. As a separate issue to gaming.

Coming from the woman who spends endless hours on Mn, and can drink and drink and eat endless packets of crisps!!

Believe you me, my obsessiveness is still a WIP 



Ohh my emojis aren't posting!!

😁😁

Ds2 plays football twice a week and matches often at weekends.
Ds3 does swimming and rugby.

Ds1 - nothing.
This is my point. There would be no balance.
And he will not engage with clubs or anything similar.

At home when not on screens they all like Lego, drawing, younger ones read (ds1 not keen on reading but I do read to him most days).

I agree with you some children can cope with having access to these things and some can't. My eldest is seven at Christmas he would love a Nintendo switch but it's only in the last couple of months that we've been giving him regular access to a tablet and even now we have histrionics, yelling and tantrums over it. He'd literally be on it from the moment he wakes up in the morning and it's just easier to not have it. My niece is six months older than ds she has a Nintendo switch, an Xbox and PlayStation and I just don't think that's reasonable or good for her

I appreciate hes quite a bit younger than your ds though.

oblomov I think I am already doing that by restricting access. I don't know how else to do it.

How about letting him have access only on certain days/week nights? Discuss it beforehand.

I agree at 12 it can be socially isolating to not have these things. But I also get what you're saying about not being able to self regulate.

My teen DDs had to leave gadgets downstairs at night time. I relaxed this rule at 16 after GCSEs as I felt they were at an age where they should take some responsibility themselves without me policing it ...... one of them is fine, switches it off and sleeps at a reasonable time, the other is up until all hours (now 17). It does depend on personality.

OP lots of internet providers let you set restriction for when specified devices can be online, so you could have different access for his console/ phone etc

We are getting a new console this year having had a wii for ten years. It will be limited on time just like their other screen time so shouldn’t be a problem

Kids have been getting games consoles since the 1980's.

Not sure what you are holding out for. Just have rules the way you would surrounding anything else. You will have worse problems the longer you leave it imo.

I don't see much difference between gaming on a console on their tablet r phone it's all screen time. My Ds is 11 has xbox & obsessed with anything screen related if he not playing fortnite he'd watch on u tube. So it all has to be restricted & controlled total pain n leads to arguments n stroppyness. He cant self regulate it. He does do sports & scouts. However given the choice he'd stay home n play games if he could! But I don't regret him having them it's our job as a parent to make sure he has other things going on n he not on it all the time even when it's so hard sometimes I feel like throwing out the window!

I do think it must be hard for him not being able to do what his friends do and join in. All the kids my DS plays with have fortnight, they all chat to each other after school.
However it does drive me slightly crazy even though I have strict limits on play time (despite it being a birthday present!) and my DS does football 5x a week which I feel balances it.

If you do choose to buy one, limits are perfectly reasonable. You could set expectations up from the very beginning that he only plays at weekends and school holidays for example.

I see your point. I have a ds(14) who has never asked for video games. He plays them at friend's houses but is not bothered at home. My ds8 is desperate to get a ps4 though! I think we will probably get one but hope it doesn't cause arguments as it will be in the lounge and I don't want it on all the time.

I remember when I was a similar age to him, we didn’t have any cable tv or internet whereas all of my friends did, and I was constantly left out because of chats that happened online or chats in person about whatever happened on a cable tv show. I moaned to my dad about it and we had internet a week later. He laid out the rules about when I was allowed on and for how long. (More because it cost per minute than worrying about screen time back then) and I was so incredibly grateful that I never put a toe out of line with it. 20 years on I still think of it fondly that he’d humour the needs of a teen girl.

YANBU.

You know what is right and appropriate for your children and family. It may seem that you are being unreasonable from the eyes of a child but you are not being unreasonable from the point of view of a reasonable parent who wants to do the right thing by her children

Evidence shows all the benefits of gaming are in the first 30 minutes, after that it can be harmful.

My children have never asked for one, yes their friends are at each other's houses playing all sorts on the consoles but mine are equally happy messing about in the garden with the same friends.

My personal opinion is that they have more potential to cause long term hassle - detachment from real life, causing arguments when switching off, competing with homework so I'm avoiding them for as long as possible.

Could you compromise with having it at grandmas or something?

YABU. To deliberately isolate your child from his peers is cruel. Its old fashioned and shows you are completely out of touch with the youth of today which is sad for your children. In one of my (work) posts I have had to explain to a parent this term (who also thinks its the 1950's) why his teenage son needs to use a computer for his school work I seriously wanted to bang my head against the wall. We no longer play with hoops and sticks, children today have to keep up with technology or they fall behind and lose their friends. By all means have limits etc but in the same way we all played with ,Sindy, Barbie what ever was in at the time of your youth, our children play with computer games. And as parents we need to keep up.

DS 9 has a console in his room. He plays fortnite often HOWEVER we limit the time on this. He has one hour on a school day and two on weekends. Occasionally he earns more time if he has done something that deserves rewarding. He also looses time for bad behaviour. He also does well at school has sporting hobbies and enjoys playing outside. Consoles are what you make them. Yabu.

Evidence shows all the benefits of gaming are in the first 30 minutes, after that it can be harmful

Reseaech to show this please.

I'm doing my PhD in Education and gaming is what my research is based on. I've never come across this in over ten years of study.

YABU. The majority of his friends will have one and will be playing games online. Microsoft send us an email every week which shows how often he is on it per day. You can also set up time restrictions say 2 hours a day.