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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

333 replies

caitlinohara · 20/10/2018 12:50

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/10/2018 16:47

Maybe other parents push you into it because it makes them feel better about buying theirs in the first place. Maybe they're a bit jealous of you saying no

I've often wondered the same. I don't doubt for an instant that many parents handle all this very well, but I've seen so many insist they'll be putting limits in place, then when the rows start it becomes "oh, he'd had a bad day at school", "it was a special game so I couldn't cut him off", "if I disallow it here he'll just go to his friend's instead" and all the rest

The key to me seems to be to know your child and make the decision with them in mind - not because of silly pressure about what everyone else is doing/wants/thinks, but purely for them

JustAskingForAFriend · 22/10/2018 16:49

All my sons friends play fortnite. He has an x box. And do limits the time via his phone ( don't ask how I have no idea), think its via the Microsoft account. So when it's switched on it tells him how long he's got.

JustAskingForAFriend · 22/10/2018 16:50

Dp, not do

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/10/2018 16:52

And yes, Faultymain5, the point about emotional weakness in kids who learn they'll get whatever they want if they whine a bit harder and insist they can't possibly miss out had occurred to me too

Getoffthetableplease · 22/10/2018 16:57

I've just bought a switch for everyone (but mainly ds7) for Christmas, he loves playing on consoles and has been a fan of the wii and the Nintendo ds for a while now. I flat blank refuse to entertain Fortnite as I think it's a crap game although highly addictive, I'm not buying anything that is rated above his age anyway. I hate it that so many of his friends are playing and watching stuff that is not age appropriate, especially when I know the parents and know they have no clue what they are really letting them play and see. All these people saying they buy their kids stuff regardless just to fit in are causing problems on the playground, some of the fights and reenactments even in year 1 and 2 are ridiculous. I would probably get a console for a family room, op, but I would set limits and wouldn't personally opt for games with chat or that are known for being really addictive.

Mikklehaha · 22/10/2018 17:03

I’m not sure if you are missing quite a major element of parenting, OP. You get to set limits on these things. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We keep our console in the living room, a space we all share. My 3 dc (14,11,10) are only allowed to play at the weekend and then for a reasonable amount of time only ( generally agreed between us once their hw / jobs around the house are done). I frequently bowl in the front room and say ‘that’s it, last ten minutes then you need to get out in the garden’. It all works just fine.

Mikklehaha · 22/10/2018 17:09

Oh and we love fortnite in our house. It’s not addictive, it’s just a game that happens to be the big thing at the moment. If you have sensible controls on your child’s gaming time then there is no problem. We only allow communication with people we know so there needn’t even be a problem with other people’s bad language. Proper parenting is all that’s required, not blaming the game. And, in case it’s relevant, we are a strict household when it comes to age ratings. No 18 games and Star Wars is the only 16 game I have allowed.

HingleMcCringleberry · 22/10/2018 17:59

Good thread! It’s made me think a lot about how we will approach consoles with our kids when the time comes (we have 2 DS, 4 and 2.) I grew up with consoles and love gaming, my wife did not and is sceptical but not hostile. I look forward to being able to bond with them over a game of Mario Kart, if that’s their thing, and if not, I guess it’ll just be me when they’ve gone to bed!

I don’t really see an issue of it being a child’s only interest or hobby. Some weirdos are only interested in golf, and some are never happier than when drawing in their books, or practising guitar endlessly. Isn’t gaming just another pursuit that holds your interest?

OP, sounds like you’re doing a cracking job - if you think it’s a bad idea, you’re right. I don’t think you’re being harsh if your DS has already demonstrated problematic attitudes to tech.

plaidpyjamas · 22/10/2018 18:31

@micklehaha you should read the reply from @faultymain5 - it just isn't that simple in all cases

sonandhelpneeded · 22/10/2018 18:59

YABU

CallingAllSuperheroes · 22/10/2018 19:13

You know what? I was the left out kid. DM hated plastic rubbish, consoles, popular TV etc. This was the 80s. Yes, it was a bit crap at times but I lived! I had friends, I'm pretty normal now.

If I had my way, the PlayStation would have never entered our house (thanks DH). DC (8 & 5) get a couple of hours Saturday and Sunday only. I really hate it. Causes so many arguments. DC2 in particular seems not to be able to self regulate. He never has enough PlayStation/ TV/ sweets/ toys etc. Just the way he is.

I will be that parent who resists all further devices. I'm sure DC will hate me. In fact, we just had a no screens weekend (physically removes the TV) as there was so much bad behaviour which I'm sure isn't helped by TV.

He may resent you now and remember it as an adult (as I do) but I really doubt he will be overly harmed as many PP are implying.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2018 19:20

Yanbu at all

Kokeshi123 · 23/10/2018 03:07

I agree that some of the people on this thread are trying to persuade the OP to buy the stupid console as a way of making themselves feel better about the devices they have bought their kids (and perhaps secretly regret buying now).

I'm amused at the people saying in one breath that "consoles don't have to be all-consuming things that take over children's lives, you know" and almost simultaneously "He will be left out if he does not have one, it is ALL they talk about at school."

When someone tries to convince me that a particular phenomenon is at the same time both inevitable AND desirable, I reach for my skepticism.

Just today, my FB parenting group had two threads about gaming addition in the poster's kids, and another one bewailing her sons' lack of focus on their studies because they are so addicted to screens. These are all sensible parents who do "set limits," but constantly policing the use of these fucking devices just seems to be wearing the parents down and adding a new source of tension to family life.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 23/10/2018 03:22

All you will achieve with this is resentment.
I understand that you are concerned about the amount of time DS will spend on it, so step up and do something about it!
When all your friends are into a game and you have no access to it you are made a social outcast.
Don’t do this to your boy. Get him the console and make rules.
Be firm, set strict limits.
It’s not just about the game is it?
He’s 12? Well it’s not going to be long before he will have a free rein to do what he likes and you won’t know what he’s up to and I can guarantee he’ll lie to you about whatever he’s doing because you insist on imposing these constrictions on him now.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 23/10/2018 03:28

Just want to add, in a smug tone, that my dc (all teens) have always been given strict limits on screen time. They all have pc’s and play games, watch Netflix etc. But, they know the rules and appreciate what they have. When I say enough it’s acceepted
They’re all also doing extremely well exam wise

Snitzelvoncrumb · 23/10/2018 04:05

Yes Kokeshi123 that would explain why people are so invested in someone else's life. I only read some of the responses, as my eyes got sore from rolling too much. There are definitely pros and cons to getting a console, I wonder if it's worth the stress, especially if it likely to be taken away down the track.

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 07:04

@Aintnothingbutaheartache

Congratulations, that's your kids though. I get smug, that by 14 my son was able to cook whole family meals, that he was independent enough to ask for and continues to tap dance. That he can hold political views about the state of the world and come to his own conclusions regarding religion. My child gives me something to be smug about on occasion too. He still has an addiction that I didn't recognise until it was too late.

Oh and heads up. The reason to buy a console is not to prevent your child from lying. They're going to do that anyway.

Additionally, if resentment comes from not buying said console and that resentment is taken into adulthood. My failure as a parent isn't that I didn't buy a console (given all the other tech gadgets the children have), it's the sense of entitlement I've sent my child out into the world with. Slamming doors indeed.

Sally2791 · 23/10/2018 07:12

Stand your ground and show them the world away from screens.

therealbatman · 23/10/2018 07:28

@HingleMcCringleberry such a refreshing post to read!

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 07:33

@therealbatman I agree!

therealbatman · 23/10/2018 07:36

@Faultymain5 I'm glad the direction of this thread seems to have changed somewhat. I don't know what I'll do when my children start requesting games consoles or designer clothing but my friends have already told me I will buy it so they 'don't get bullied' and 'fit in' this makes me so sad, that if even parents think this then how do our children actually have a hope of not being bullied???

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 07:52

@therealbatman Exactly.

For DD we have make up issues. She uses it for dance shows, and tries to sneak usage for other events. No is a complete sentence. She'll thank me when she has great skin like mine in 30 yearsGrin

She resents me now. Luckily I'm not afraid of my child

Lethaldrizzle · 23/10/2018 08:00

I don't care about my kids fitting in in that sense. I want them to be individuals.

therealbatman · 23/10/2018 08:06

@Faultymain5 😂 there will ALWAYS (!!!!) be something for our children to resent us for! Shall we let them do everything they want? My friends parents let them stay out until midnight and they went to pubs at 14, because they didn't actually care about where they were, I had to lie to my parents because I had a sensible curfew and they always found out where I was and once found me at the pub, funnily enough it's my friend that resents her parents now and said it was so obvious that my parents cared because they wanted me in at a sensible time!

thereallifesaffy · 23/10/2018 08:23

Not trying to persuade OP. It really is up to her. Just saying the sky may not fall in.