To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

[caitlinohara]

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

My screen time rules are 30 mins to weekdays (exception for occasional movie night) for TV, then an hour on tablet at the weekend free play plus occasionally an ebook or a learning game with support for an extra 20/30mins one day at the weekend. That's for older DD, 5. My toddler has no screen time at all. None. Occasionally he'll have a TV on in the same room as him but rarely.
I watch about 2 hours of "TV" a week on tablet in bed or on my laptop, usually a documentary,
I try to promote free play, activities, games, outside time and swimming etc. As positive alternatives, and screens are removed as q punishment, Equally I think that devices, TV and technology are (for better or for worse) part of our culture and can make our kids seem "weird" if they don't participate at all. That said, I am hoping both DC's ultimately find a preference for play, sport, activities, art/crafts, music and reading over screen time anyway. They should only ever be an addition to their lives, in my opinion, not a substitute for quality time and life experiences and fresh air!!

I have DSS who is 14 and really into gaming. He a
Plays Fortnite with lots of his school friends and gets a lot of kudos from being good at it.

Ds8 has a nintendo switch. He does not play on it loads. He has to ask to go on it. Usually when we get home from school he can go on it while I get dinner ready usually about 40 minutes and he comes off it when he's told. He knows if he doesn't he won't be allowed on it again.

I was chatting to a friend earlier who has always been very anti consoles. Her DS has just changed schools and has found that playing fortnite has been a great way to make friends at his new school as he not overly confident face to face.

So I would say get him one and set the ground ruleset from the off and make it very clear that if they're not adhered to you are getting rid of it.

OP sit down with DS and watch "Home in time for christmas series" & hopefully he'll understand.(?)

My son got an x box with severe restrictions on use at age 8. He is ten now and the restrictions still apply. He is only allowed play it on Sunday afternoons. That's it, no other time. But he has it and he can keep up with conversations. The idea of him getting fortnite was dismissed but he has fifa and that is enough for him to keep up with his mates on some level.

I apologise OP, I read through and got an end of thread message, but when I posted there were loads more posts. So I am guilty of the most heinous crime of (inadvertently) NRTFT.

I stand by what I say re giving gifts with restrictions being absolutely fine.

However - what's with him not doing any other activities?

This seems a bit strange, and of course he'll then want to be on it all the time.

Can you get him to agree to start doing some other (more constructive) stuff in return for getting a console?

If my DS didn't have any other interests or hobbies, I'd be pretty loathe to get him a console, too.

To be honest if you forbid something you just make it all that much more attractive and therefore you're making a rod for your own back.

Children do socialise through technology these days; I work in a school and the children in my class (9 and 10 year olds), talk nonstop about Fortnite. For a 12 year old not to have a console is pretty harsh tbh, and he is right, he probably is the only kid in his class who doens't have one, that is incredibly isolating.

It would be like not having access to TV, magazines, cassets or the radio when we were growing up.

Let him have one but set limits on it. Even turn off the wifi if he won't behave and agree.

I hate the damn things too, would much rather see kids outside doing things than in their room with a console, but, he is right, he will lose friends if he can't join in with what they do. Hopefully Fortnite will soon have run it's course.

Yanbu.
Mine have had a total inability to stick to agreed times for their tablets so we will never have an xbox or PlayStation in the house.
We do have a Wii but it's only played with on cold and wet days. And it's more of a shares experience.

My dgs are 9 and 12. They have an Xbox to share. The family rule is no devices Monday to Friday and a total of 3 hours over the weekend .
They play football, rugby and cricket, they go cycling as a family, they walk and swim and love board games.
I would buy a console for your son at half term. He is right, in this case ‘everyone else’ does have one.

May I ask whether those who are against games consoles let their children take iPads etc out with them to restaurants and handed screens to them in cars, trains and planes? I'm not being challenging, just interested.
My DC are early twenties, so old enough to have had consoles yet not d enough to have been glued to screens in early childhood.
Indeed we were a little weird and didn't even have TV for a couple of years because of our unusual living situation (might've outing to say!). Anyway, bc of our early years experience I struggle with seeing small
Children constantly watching Peppa Pig when their parents could talk to them or hand them a book.
I see gaming (by comparison) as far less harmful. My DS and DD did and do still game. At crunch times at school and during finals they disabled social media and only used gaming as down time. They self regulated. Both have lots of friends and outside hobbies but both still game with friends in particular.
Just saying it doesn't have to be bad. And some of the earlier screen stuff that goes on may be more harmful. Obvbe careful with what games you allow a12yo to play tho.
Sorry-not attacking just reflecting

I don't see why people are so obsessed with trying to make sure their kids fit in. I didn't have a mobile phone for years even though everyone else had one. But it didn't stop me from making friends and to be honest we didn't talk about TV or phones/texts/MSN anyway. We were more concerned with hanging out and watching movies together!

I really don't think YABU. Not 'fitting in' builds good character.

We have one and the only person who uses it is dh! Three kids utterly uninterested.

Ds turns 12 at Xmas. He has a PlayStation and would be really left out if he didn’t. They all talk to each other and play games together on it.

However ds does sport 6 times a week too and reads a lot willingly. If that wasn’t the case then the PlayStation would be MUCH more restricted.

Could you make a deal with him that he needs to pursue other interests and show he won’t do gaming and nothing else?

FWIW even though we have a console I’ve never allowed screens at the dinner table to the poster asking above.

Here is the thing. Like it or not boys that age are playing games and meeting up online to chat and play against each other. I don't like the sound of this but the downside is that his friends will be doing this rather than meeting up and kicking a ball around. Its like a virtual meet up. Unfortunately this is the sign of the times.

My DS's 9 and 13 do not have a game console and do not do this. They do have iPads and play minecraft and they code a lot. They have never asked me for a console but would buy one if it meant they felt left out or missed out. My DS's are not bothered about fitting in or doing what others do which is unusual but great for me.

I would buy one but make sure he is aware you are going to limit time on it, check who he is playing with and what he is playing and he has to balance it with other non game activities.

Hi there @thereallifesaffy I wouldn't have a games console nor would I allow iPads or screens at the dinner table neither in nor out of the house. I really feel this is a time to share and communicate. I know it's tempting to plug the children in to keep them quiet whilst the adults chat but the adults have chosen to have these children and I feel they should be included in the conversation. I
also feel uncomfortable seeing children using screens instead for having real interactions. How will children ever feel truly valued if we can't be bothered to interact with them and get to know them through face to face talking.

We have a PlayStation that's in the living room, my son is 15 and would play on it all day if I left him to it, so I go in there and tell him to turn it off, he doesn't moan he just gets up and turns it off.

My point is you tell him when it goes off not let him have the control, it's quite easy really

Teenagers on games consoles is hardly a new phenomenon, so not sure why there is the moral panic over gaming and Fortnite now. I'm 33 and have lived through sega mega drive being a thing, Nintendo Gameboy, I loved my playstation one and also PC games, the Sims, theme park, I was a real games geek! Loved seeing a Facebook video where a granny had taken over her grandsons Xbox, playing call of duty or some such. Gaming is fun, but agree limits have to be set, maybe draw up a fun, light-hearted contract so that he still does other things.

We have our Xbox One set up with a daily allowance of one hour each for DS1 and DS2. When they have five minutes of their allowance left they get a warning and then it automatically stops at one hour. It's a good system. Occasionally they will ask for extra time, for example in the school holidays or when they get a new game, so they don't feel too restricted by the daily allowance as they know it's negotiable.

You're being a bit harsh, but it really is your house, your rules.

You are not being unreasonable. You know your child. You know your household dynamics.

Cautionary tale? Not everyone knows their child has an addictive personality. Although I have one, I didn't assume he would automatically have one and until gaming, I never knew he had one. Little late when we had the Wii.

We controlled everything. Only at the weekends, cut off wifi after hours, locked Ipad to certain websites, but can't lock youtube because they also use it for homework. We allowed Xbox, still only at Weekends. Allowed him to play with his sister, so his sister could play at her times, but any game would do by this time for his fix. We most recently moved to PS4 because all his friends have one (2 years later and only because we couldn't figure out what to get him for his 16th, it's the only thing he consistently asked for). We gave in. We confiscated all consoles until after his exams (made not much difference).

He's had the use of consoles since he was 6 in one way or another. We play the Sims also. But I refused to buy the most recent one and our computer can no longer manage the old one.
Yesterday he didn't play the PS4 at all. But I noticed him on his PSVita (for about 3 hours glued), bought with his birthday money. He didn't even know how long he was on it for when I asked. I monitored it to see when he would stop. If we don't take away the phone at night he's on it.

A few weeks ago DH caught him just going to bed at 2.30a.m. a school night (went back down after we all went to bed), after playing PS4 (he sure as hell wasn't socialising). We felt we were successful, because we were able to stop him playing for less time than all his friends. However, he has no self-control. So my monitoring for him is no good and neither is his self-regulation. He plays a sport and another activity, but thinks nothing of sitting in front of the screen all day. And if he's asked to get off one he moves to another.

Many on this thread haven't got to my stage yet. For me buying a £200+ product because all his friends have it, otherwise he will stigmatised, bullied, is why our children are so emotionally weak and maybe going old school with our parenting isn't all that bad - what happened to that old saying 'if [inset name here] jumped over a cliff would you too?'. They do not have the fortitude to make it in the real world which is fine for as long as they're under our roofs. Not so much when they have to do it all for themselves. Way to keep them dependent!

Yes there are children who will not have a problem (and astonishingly they will all be related to mums saying YABU).

You know YOUR child. None of our opinions should matter. I don't think you are being unreasonable. If I had my time, I would keep telling him what I've always told him. "Be independent. Have your own mind, do not follow the crowd." Then I wouldn't buy anything (even though I loved the Wii).

Oh and these people saying you want to live in the 19Century. RTFT. OP has enough tech in her house. She doesn't think she necessarily needs more.

One more thing from someone who has been through the teenage years with an Xbox. God I was antsy about it, constantly telling them they'd had too
Much screen time and would fail their exams.
I hang my head in shame now bc DS went to Cambridge to study English and is now gainfully employed, and DD is studying maths somewhere v high ranking and looking at tech company internships. They constantly remind me that gaming did them no harm!

Very surprised at some of these responses.

OP, I have every respect for you not rushing out to buy a so-called 'must have' games console. If more parents stood their ground, kids would HAVE to find something else to do.

There was an interesting article about Fortnite in the Sunday Times magazine yesterday. I have girls who have no interest in playing these games but from what I understand, Fortnite is very addictive and it's not just a question of allowing dc a certain amount of time. I have heard from friends and acquaintances how Fortnite has a detrimental affect on family life and causes lots of rows. I've also heard lots of people who say they regret buying a games console.

Is that really what you want all for your ds to keep in with his peers?

Maybe other parents push you into it because it makes them feel better about buying theirs in the first place. Maybe they're a bit jealous of you saying no.

Many on this thread haven't got to my stage yet. For me buying a £200+ product because all his friends have it, otherwise he will stigmatised, bullied, is why our children are so emotionally weak and maybe going old school with our parenting isn't all that bad

Totally agree.

@therealbatman another in agreement with you!