to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

[salterello1]

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

Gf 🙄

my house is spotless, OP, and i’m legit fucking bonkers. hth.

Have you never taught your child to wash their hands...?

I wonder how much cleaning bridges need to keep them really tidy....

It actually said she went no further then the hallway.
Could see into the kitchen, another room, up the stairs.
Why would anyone want to go any further

“, I would see no need for concern. My job is to support families, not judge them.”

Do you not think there’s a contradiction in saying there’s not cause for concern in the way they’re living, whilst also saying that you’re visiting them in professional support capacity?

Presumably there’s already a concern, and that’s why you’re there. I assume you’re not there to support their fashion choices.

@Howdoyoudoit31 because otherwise she’s going to come away and assume the parents have MH issues (again so what? Lots of people do) and ban her son who has a made an attachment to a friend from visiting there. That’s why for me....... or she can just make a huge judgement from the hallway. That sounds like a good way to go 👍🏼

Reaa, you said the op has no idea what the rest of the house is like and to ask her son. I'm sure you meant well but that would not be a good idea( in my opinion).

Nooooooo, op, please don't ask your son, don't involve your son in gossiping about his friend's home, the chances are he won't notice anyway.

If you stood at my front door you’d see

Half stripped wallpaper on the stairs. Boxes all under the stairs. You can’t see my living room but if you looked there you’d see boxes. Oh and cat and dog hair. You’d see that. And right now, if you look in my kitchen there’s a sink of dishes. Not washed. And the dining table is covered in clean washing.

What you can’t see is the upset up the stairs due to a renovation project I’ve had to stop. Because I’m writing.

It's amazing that you saw so much from the hallway too, you must be extra observant, or nosy as well as being a potential gossip.

I know someone like this. There are dogs & kids. I’ve been there when she has tidied and it’s messed again in no time. She’s a very nice person and has lots of people come round and the mess isn’t important to anyone who knows her. She works hard at all different times of the day and just doesn’t always have the time as when she’s not working she’s running errands for others. Kids love it there because they don’t have to worry about anything being out place. She knows how to clean, she’s a cleaner! There’s more important things than having the house spotless.

And if you’d come to mine in the evening it would be the same, (minus the dog hair) as I do these things when the kids are in bed, and it really doesn’t take long to clear a messy floor but I’m certainly not going to change how I do things because my kids friends parent will be coming round for minute and might judge my house in that short time.

Do you not think there’s a contradiction in saying there’s not cause for concern in the way they’re living, whilst also saying that you’re visiting them in professional support capacity?

Not at all. The OP's description of what she could see from the hallway door would not meet the threshold at which I would have sufficient cause for concern to take it any further.

If it was so bad that their tenancy was at risk, that would be a different matter supporting people in maintaining their tenancies is my primary role) as it would be if the safeguarding threshold was met. But the state of the home, as described, would not meet that threshold.

The presence of pets in the home would go on my risk assessment, that's policy to protect staff with allergies or phobias. I'm regarded as erring on the side of caution amongst colleagues, and I wouldn't flag anything else.

The house the OP has mentioned is filthy not just messy. She's described what she saw of the house, and she hasn't described any filth.

She has X-ray eyes.

Dear God, OP, you've lived a very sheltered life. The only thing that stops my kitchen having unwashed dishes is that they're hidden in the dishwasher. The only reason the floor isn't covered in dog hair is he's short haired and doesn't moult. There's a pile of ironing on a kitchen chair, I haven't cleaned any of the loos today and all the furniture could do with a bit of a dust. Is my house filthy?

MY house is messy. We have a very busy full life with both myself and DH working full time with long commutes. We don’t have mental health problems. Just busy and don’t care how the house looks.

@badcat666 :

Until one day when I was around 12, 2 of my more "posher" friends (who were round for tea) asked if they could one night sleep over as they had so much fun and my mum was lovely (she just fed and loved everyone who turned up) and they got to play in our garden with the rabbits and dog and sing along to the radio or records we always had on.

Looking back now when I went round their houses it was always quiet and we weren't allowed to make a mess or run around or make too much noise.

And that's probably exactly why the OP's DS wants to go back to his friend's house this week.

If the house going to cause your son to become ill and is unsafe because of the dirt and hoarding why haven't you called to SS or discussed your safe guarding issues with school ?

Or is it just messier and dirtier than your standards but actually not harmful.

I'm assuming the later as your post would have read - should I call SS about the conditions my sons friend is living in !! - if it was the first scenario !

Agree with @cushioncuddle . If you are that concerned about 'neglect' and 'safeguarding' your concern would be for DS's friend who is living in the 'neglectful' conditions not for your DS who visits for the odd play date.

Bit harsh 

Wind em up and let them go

@salterello1 your a really unpleasant person!

My friends house looked like a tip growing up. I've never seen the kitchen clean. Dogs everywhere. They were in a permanent state of rebuilding a part of the house. It was a mess. There were years that I wouldn't want to stay for dinner because the kitchen was filthy. 35 years later I still visit her parents. They are the kindest people I know. I feel privileged to know them. Wouldn't have wanted to miss out just because of their house. It's not that important.

Their daughter turned out reasonably house proud. Funny that.

About half the parents I know with autistic children would be so overjoyed their child had found a friend who accepted them they wouldn't care if live tigers roamed the living room.