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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

331 replies

salterello1 · 20/10/2018 12:10

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

OP posts:

RebelWitchFace · 20/10/2018 14:16

The fact that your DS was happy and comfortable there and wants to go again is very important. There's no need for you to go anywhere near the house if you hate it so much.
At the end of the day ,if you do decide not to lt him,that's ok . Telling others why and that the friends house is a dump would be a spiteful and dickish move though.

ShesABelter · 20/10/2018 14:16

Well it's your turn now anyway to host. But as for neglect then no, I doubt he is being neglected when his mum's hosting play dates and having people round for dinner that doesn't sound like a kid being neglected at all.

Snowman123 · 20/10/2018 14:18

Let your son decide.
Provided there is no health hazard (and a bit of mess killed no one) then I wouldn't be bothered.

MaruMaru · 20/10/2018 14:19

I wouldn't say it is "normal to have such low standards of hygiene". But it is not normal or reasonable to judge people's character by the amount of dog hair on their carpets.
You and your DS will miss out on having decent people in your lives if this is how you pick your/ his friends!!!

formerbabe · 20/10/2018 14:20

It's terrible to throw round words like neglect and safeguarding issues.

The house sounds messy but it's not a crack den fgs and the mum was nice.

I often wonder if children in immaculate show homes are neglected in some ways if their parents are constantly cleaning, how can they spend any time with their kids, or if the kids can't have their toys out because it looks messy?

LakieLady · 20/10/2018 14:23

What’s weird tho is that they don’t have the self-awareness or wherewithal to even tidy up when their son has friends round. That’s indicative that they’re really quite far gone.

"Far gone"? WTAF? Maybe they just think a happy home is more important than a spotless one.

You'll find dog hair on the carpets at my house, unless you happen to pop round in the first hour or so after I've hoovered.

Orchidflower1 · 20/10/2018 14:27

Walk a mile OP before you judge.

BruegelTheElder · 20/10/2018 14:28

The problem is, OP, that everyone is responding to your OP where you said it was just dog hair, dirty dishes and laundry, which you only saw from the hallway. Since then you've said that it is filth and neglect and a safeguarding issue. Which is quite a difference.

TeddybearBaby · 20/10/2018 14:29

I really hope this isn’t real. What horrible reading.

Some of the most loving and kind homes I’ve been in have been a big mess. You and your son could be missing out on such a lot. Such a shame but your choice. Once again this wasn’t really an ‘aibu’. More of a ‘this is what I think and I’m right’ post.

Mental health issues?! Offensive and ridiculous thing to say. I don’t even know where to start. You’ve actually just made that up (assumed) it haven’t you and even if you’re right so what?! I don’t know what you’re trying to suggest. Really I’m just pleased your not my mum haha.

lovetherisingsun · 20/10/2018 14:29

My friend's house was like that. Happiest little family in the world, some of my best memories were of us hanging out together when we were younger. The mess didn't really matter - nothing was life threatening, it wasn't a health hazard being there. They just prioritised having fun together as a family over cleaning above bare minimum. I cried my heart out when his mum died, she was so welcoming and lovely. Having a messy, slighty dirty house didn't make her, or her son, any less of a person to us.

justforareply · 20/10/2018 14:29

2 closest friends when DC growing and playing with their children had houses like this. Both very eco minded and both v into serving community in their own ways
Imo a privilege for my children to spend time in atmospheres of such generosity of spirit of those households

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/10/2018 14:30

I'm struggling to understand in what way it was "filthy". You've given 3 examples 1) dog hair on the stairs - as others have said, this is what happens if you hoovered yesterday and haven't yet hoovered today 2) plates waiting to be washed up in the kitchen - again, many, possibly most, people don't wash up the instant they get up from table 3) one room cluttered so you couldn't see the floor - you should have seen our front room while we were doing work on the bedroom! You've said "smelly" which you didn't say in your OP, but even so, I think it's a big leap from what you've described to "mental health problems" and "safeguarding issues".

SaucyJack · 20/10/2018 14:31

“Maybe they just think a happy home is more important than a spotless one.“

Have some of you not actually seen a properly dirty home? Do you not realise there’s a massive difference between a home that’s not sterile or spotless, and actual chaos?

I have, and I’ve lived it, and there’s nothing happy or relaxing about it. It’s stressful and depressing.

InfiniteVariety · 20/10/2018 14:33

You sound massively uptight. You admit you went no further than the hallway and you are making huge assumptions based on that. If the mum seemed very nice, as you say and the children enjoy playing together, just unclench and let them get on with it

LakieLady · 20/10/2018 14:34

You sound like a judgmental prick.

Perfecty summed up in just 6 words, Hodge - a masterclass in brevity!

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 14:34

What should we do with those who have mental health issues so you don’t feel uncomfortable op? Will this only apply to those whose manifestations of MH issues you feel uncomfortable with?

InfiniteVariety · 20/10/2018 14:35

I think you should also note what IzzyGrey said at 14.10

JustDanceAddict · 20/10/2018 14:40

My DD is friends w a girl whose house is less than tidy - dogs, mess etc but I never stopped her going, sleeping over etc. The parents are welcoming, lovely and pillars of their community. Some people don’t prioritise housework, they’re busy people.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/10/2018 14:41

My house is no way show home.

But I have a general standard of cleanliness that means hygiene.

I think this must have been bad for you to start a thread so I don't think many posters are getting the level of uncleanliness that initiated your concern.

FWIW I don't judge others on their homes and don't show home clean mine when my really tidy and houseproud friends visit.

However I do have family members who live like this and I hated visiting because I generally worried about the dirt and bacteria. I didn't relax or feel comfortable in their home. That's not judgemental that's how I felt. Even at 11yo.

So I think you need to let ds know his friend can come to yours anytime. If he is uncomfortable with the level of cleanliness he'll make his own decision where to hang out.

My ds also has asd and I think he'll live unhealthily as an adult if not guided as he just doesn't follow through any process so drawers are opened and not shut. Things are out in nearest spot and he doesn't move to put in bin. Atm he had me to nag guide him. But he isn't bothered by it in the same way I am and so he may not have been bothered at family members house as I was as a child. I'd respect that.

MsDugong · 20/10/2018 14:45

Your description of the house in your OP describes an untidy, messy house. It doesn't describe a dirty one. On that basis, I'd say YABU and judgemental.

However, I have a close friend who does live in filth and I don't take my children to her house. If I'm meeting her without the children, I try to arrange for it to be away from her home but will go there sometimes. The smell of animal excrement hits you as you walk in. There is invariable animal poo somewhere in the living room and patches of dried animal urine all over the house. Often magazines or newspapers are stuck to the floor by urine or rotten food. There are plates and cups with mound growing on them in every room. There isn't a clear space on any kitchen surface and there is often a bag of rotting food on one of them. The toilet bowl is usually splattered with poo, both fresh and very dried and there's usually some on the toilet seat too. I could go on. She had help a few years ago but now refuses to see there's an issue now. She is lovely and a good friend but I think I'm reasonable in not wanting my children to go to her house, especially when they say they feel very uncomfortable there. If the situation is more like this, then YANBU.

chocolatebox1 · 20/10/2018 14:54

When I was little my best friend lived in absolute squalor, they lived in a big house was filthy and there was animal poo everywhere because they had so many pets, the parents seemed nice but I think they were unable to keep on top of it all. My dad hated me going there and tried to stop me, I ended up missing out on socialising and hanging out with friends. I really didn't thank him for it at all. If it's just somewhere DS visits and he doesn't actually live in conditions you find unacceptable, I just don't see why it matters

bringbackthestripes · 20/10/2018 14:54

I know mental illnesses aren't contagious - that's not the issue is it? Mental illnesses can make individuals make potentially poor decisions and unpredictable though can't they?

so now a bit of clutter and pet hair equals unstable parents who may harm your child?

LakieLady · 20/10/2018 14:57

Have some of you not actually seen a properly dirty home? Do you not realise there’s a massive difference between a home that’s not sterile or spotless, and actual chaos?

As you quoted from an earlier post of mine, Saucyjack, I do community visits and probably 50%+ of the homes I visit are cluttered, messy, have unwashed dishes, laundry not put away and smell a bit, plus have pet hair if the family have pets. Many of them are a bit chaotic, too.

However, none of the above would constitute a safeguarding issue or lead me to have concerns about the parents' MH, as some PPs have suggested. In fact, children's services would piss themselves laughing if I tried to raise a safeguarding on those grounds alone, and adult social care would refuse to accept it, because it doesn't meet their threshold.

Unless there were babies or toddlers crawling about on a filthy floor, or hoarding had reached the point where it was a fire hazard or likely to collapse on someone, I would see no need for concern. My job is to support families, not judge them.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 20/10/2018 15:02

The house the OP has mentioned is filthy not just messy.

Yet someone wrote this about it..

TBH it sounds like a relaxed lived in house full of character

No, it sounds like a pit! I’d be completely mortified to have anyone around if I lived like what the OP described.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 15:04

The op stood and look from the front door. She didn’t even go in.

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