To ask you to share your best joke?

[AiryFairyUnicornRainbow]

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bar tender:

'Please may I have............................................................................a pint?'

and the bar tender replies

'Why the long pause?'

and the bear says

'I dunno, I was just born with them'

fnar fnarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Got stung by a bee yesterday.

Twenty quid for a jar of honey.

A girl goes to see Santa at a shopping centre. Santa says to the girl, "So what would you like for Christmas?"

"I'd like a Barbie and an Action Man!" the girl says.

"Oh." Santa replies. "But I thought Barbie came with Ken?"

"No, Barbie comes with Action Man." the girl says. "She just fakes it with Ken."

What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig.

Two nuns in the bath. One says "Where's the soap?" Other one replies "It does rather, doesn't it?"

Two nuns driving down a bumpy road. One says "I've never come this way before." Other says "Must be the bumps."

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

Why do the Norwegians have barcodes on their battleships?

So they can scan de navy in.

Oooo just remembered...

Two astronauts, in the kitchen, on the international space station.

One turns to the other and says "I can't find any milk to make my coffee white"

The other one replies "in space, no one can. Here, use cream"

One I read on here in an AIBU and still makes me laugh because a kid asked it and a SIL (I think) took the hump. Something along the lines of...

Knock knock
Who’s there?
I need ap
I need ap who?

Ha ha you said you need a poo

Also, here's a series of them.

How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you get a giraffe in a fridge?
Take the elephant out first.

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?
Up the M6 and onto the A55.

OK, how do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there's two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them giggling.

How do you know if there's three elephants in your fridge?
Because you can't ... quite ... get the door shut.

How do you know if there's FOUR elephants in your fridge?
There's a Mini parked outside.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.

Icy dead people

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9.

Why did 7 eat 9?
Because he had to have 3 squared meals a day.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a man with a log on his head?
Edward

What do you call a man with 3 logs on his head?
Edward Woodward

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

@EvePolastriSorryBaby

Come on,.......

STILL no idea.....no legs......

Yes dear. The Still part wasn't the problem. It was the seemingly radom "r" thrown in after "idea" to make it sound like eye deer as, for me, idea does not contain an "r" and sounds completely different to eye deer.

I'm now ignoring all jokes that appear to be a play on words with an r in them as I know they won't make sense to me. Plenty of other good ones though.

Yes dear

🤣🤣🤣best one yet- even if it was unintentional and meant to be condescending. Great pun

What do you call a Spaniard with a rubber toe?

-Roberto

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

-Obi Juan Kenobi.

What do you call a Brazilian that's had his car stolen?

-Carlos

What do you call an Argentinian that's had his car stolen?

• Joaquin

@EvePolastriSorryBaby - actually no, it was a deliberate pun.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who can play the piano?
Clever dick.

What do you call a man with leaves in his head?
Russell

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
*has to be said in a midlands accent’
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo can ya?!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Oh, pull yourself together.

There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from an incomplete dataset and...

What was Beethoven's favourite fruit? BANANANAAAAA!

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg



@theymademejoin

Okeeeeee dear

Really dislike Russian dolls - so full of themselves

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi' jam in!

(Warning: it's vulgar)

A homeless man walks in to a jewellers shop and takes a seat.

Whilst sitting there, he makes all manner of disgusting sounds and is busy with his hands down his pants scratching and poking away at his arse.

Various customers are walking around and are disgusted at what they see and complain to the manager.

The embarrassed and angry manager confronts him. The homeless man is upset and says ‘what’s your bloody problem? The manager says ‘you can’t do that in here!’ ‘Do what?’ says the homeless man. ‘You can’t keep picking away at your arse like that, it’s disgusting.’

So the homeless man points to the sign on the wall that says… ‘pick your ring in comfort’...

My mum said I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti. You should have see her face when I drove pasta.

What animal do you want to be on a cold day? A little otter.

Why did the spider run across the top of the cereal packet? It said tear along the dotted line.