To ask you to share your best joke?

[AiryFairyUnicornRainbow]

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bar tender:

'Please may I have............................................................................a pint?'

and the bar tender replies

'Why the long pause?'

and the bear says

'I dunno, I was just born with them'

fnar fnarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled under by a really strong currant.

Man comes home from work, angry, bursts in, slams door and says to his wife: ‘I just heard that our milkman has slept with every woman on our street’, pauses and gives her a steely look - ‘except for one ...’

Wife replies chirpily, ‘oh, that’ll be that snotty cow at number 11’.

This is just the last "joke" I've heard:

Saturn is, on average, less dense than water. So if you could shrink Saturn down to bath toy size, you could take in your bath and it'd float. Of course, it would leave a ring...

I'll get my coat...

I've just found out my neighbour died from a curry overdose. Very sad. Apparently the paramedics found him in a korma

I was walking down the road and a tractor went by. The driver was shouting “the end of the world is coming!”
“Don’t worry about him”, my friend said “that’s just Farmer Geddon”.

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Man goes to the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum!"
Dr, "I've got some cream for that."

@RollaBowlaBall - What accent can you possibly have that means “No idea” and “No eye dear” sound different?

I have a Galway accent. No idea is pronounced "no eye dee ah". No eye deer is pronounced "no eye deer". Second one ends in r, first in ah. Completely different sounds in my accent.

I know some (most?) English accents throw an r sound into words that don't have an r in the spelling but I didn't think "idea" would be given an r. I thought it was more in the middle, like pronouncing draw as drawer.

I think though, you'll find many accents outside england don't put an r into the pronunciation unless it's part of the spelling.

And now back to our schedule programming -

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind man. 'Just looking.'

Patient : Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient :Is it common?
Doctor : It's not unusual.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

@frankie001 you win! 😂 😂 😂 😂

I went on Dragon's Den the other night and showed them my old dad's shotgun.
Peter Jones asked "And what's your idea?"
I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in this bag and shut up."

Q. What do vegetarian cannibals eat?

A: Swedes

I don’t get the drums and cymbals falling off a cliff one 😳

YuhBasic

ba-dum-tshh

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But you get through a lot of lightbulbs

bows I thank you!

Bluebell just

What accent can you possibly have that means “No idea” and “No eye dear” sound different?

Lol! Best joke award is definitely yours! Well done.

Guy walks down the street with a giraffe. Gets thirsty, so ties it up carefully outside a pub. Landlord comes out and shouts, "Haw! You cannae leave that lyin' there!"
Man looks confused. "That's no a lion ya numpty, that's a giraffe".

Thanks @theymademejoin

I realise the way I asked was a bit abrupt (sausage fingers on a mobile), but I was just curious as was reading them to my friend and we couldn’t agree. We’d decided you must be Kenyan, as Kenyan’s pronounce every letter in a word.

Now in keeping with the thread I’d better add my second favourite joke.

Why did the sand blush?
Because the sea weed

My kids are in their rooms this afternoon, one's watching Netflix and the other's on the Xbox, so I've been sending them these jokes from downstairs. Best comment was "oh god mum please stop' 😂😂😂

A zoo's male gorilla dies just before mating time. Traumatised and unsure what to do, the manager calls in a keeper and asks whether, for the honour of the zoo, the future of the breeding programme and £1000 he'd be prepared to have sex with the female gorilla instead

After a few days' thought the keeper agrees to do it "but about the £1000 ... can I pay it in several instalments?"

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug

And the follow up.......

What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas

What cheese is made backwards? Edam

Oh, and a doctor tells his worried patient that he has ebola with bubonic complications and that he'll obviously need to be kept in strict isolation. "But we'll keep you cheerful by feeding you well - how does smoked salmon, veal escalope and crepes suzette sound for dinner tonight?"

"Will that help my recovery?" asks the surprised patient
"No, but it's all we can get under the door"

What did the maths teacher with constipation do?
He worked it out with a pencil.

@theymademejoin

Come on,.......

STILL no idea.....no legs......

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupti...
Mooooooooooo