Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to share your best joke?

153 replies

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 19/10/2018 23:23

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bar tender:

'Please may I have............................................................................a pint?'

and the bar tender replies

'Why the long pause?'

and the bear says

'I dunno, I was just born with them'

fnar fnarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:
McAvennie · 20/10/2018 04:02

What do you call someone who used to really like tractors?

An ex-tractor fan.

BlessedMango · 20/10/2018 04:45

How much do pirates pay to have their ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

dotty12345 · 20/10/2018 05:10

@GhoulishGremlins
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas

User19834567 · 20/10/2018 05:11

How do you make a polo mint laugh?
You tickle it's hole

Thesmallthings · 20/10/2018 05:20

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no leg or penis.

Still no fucking idea.

aManForAllReasons · 20/10/2018 05:28

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.

What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.

What cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.

SilverLinings2014 · 20/10/2018 05:29

@Spudina

What type of cheese could you use to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone (mask a pony) 

Shadow1234 · 20/10/2018 05:42

What do you call a russian with three balls?
Oodya nicka bollockoff

DoctorTwo · 20/10/2018 06:12

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

macaronip1e · 20/10/2018 06:27

What do you call a lost droid?
R2Detour

What is ET short for?
Cos he’s only got little legs

Which side of a cat is the hairiest?
The outside

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 06:30

Bloke goes into a bar, walks up to the counter and asks for a pint.

Whilst waiting there he hears a voice saying "nice shirt mate" the voice appears to be from a tray of peanuts on the bar.

He takes his pint a few peanuts and goes over to the the fruit machine puts a £2 in and hears another voice from the machine saying "idiot".

He goes back to the bar and says to the landlord, I've come in here for a pint and the peanuts are saying they like my shirt and the fruit machine is calling me an idiot, what's going on?

The landlord rolls his eyes and says ....

Well the peanuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is out of order!!

💥

RedHairing · 20/10/2018 06:40

How do you get Pikachu and Bulbasaur on a bus?

Poke 'em on.

Holymosquito · 20/10/2018 06:42

There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other - you drive and I’ll fire the gun.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 06:44

@sausagenegg that's the best joke so far!!! 😂

Shadow1234 · 20/10/2018 06:46

In court:

Judge: Madam, why did you hit your husband with the chair?
Woman: Cos the table was too heavy!

GameOfToast · 20/10/2018 06:48

What day of the week is an egg scared of?

Fry-day

It's off an advert that's on tv and I laughed when I heard it. A lot.

budgiegirl · 20/10/2018 07:04

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?

Nothing - it’s on the house !

Oysterbabe · 20/10/2018 07:07

OP you have mixed up 2 jokes. It should be why the big pause. It's the horse who has a long face.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field.

Shadow1234 · 20/10/2018 07:20

Doctors says to patient - I have some good news and some bad news!
Patient: Whats the bad news?
Doctor: Ive amputated the wrong foot
Patient: whats the good news?
Doctor: Theres someone outside who wants to buy your shoes!

coragreta · 20/10/2018 07:24

An English man, an Irish man and a Scottish man walk into a pub and the barman says 'is this some sort of joke?'

What the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snow balls.

AimingToMisbehave · 20/10/2018 07:38

Bernard Matthews is not happy. Turkey sales are down. He comes up with a genius plan to turn his business around. He heads over to the Vatican and visits the Pope.

He says to the Pope, "Your holiness, would you be willing to change the Lord's prayer to state "Give us this day our daily turkey"? I would pay you £10,000."

The Pope replies, "I'm sorry, I couldn't possibly change the Lord's prayer, it would be very inappropriate."

Matthews tries again: "How about £100,000?"

The Pope considers it, but once again declines the offer.

So Matthews decides to try one last time. "All right, how about £1 million?"

The Pope agrees and Matthews leaves happy. A short while later the Pope meets with his cardinals. "Good news my friends, I have secured the church £1 million. The bad news is, we have lost the deal with Hovis."

Comeymemo · 20/10/2018 07:42

At a funeral, a man walks up to the widow, takes her hands, and asks: “Would you like me to say a word?”

“Yes, please do”, she says.

The man clears his throat and says “Plethora.”

‘Thank you’, says the widow. “That means a lot”.

Roystonv · 20/10/2018 07:47

Love the double entendre one.

JAPAB · 20/10/2018 07:55

Most of them are far too rude to post here.

Two eggs are being boiled in a saucepan. One says to the other 'This is agony! How long will they torture us like this for?' The other says 'Just wait til they take us out of here, then they'll bash our heads in with spoons!'

AngelOfDeathNix · 20/10/2018 07:57

What happened when the cheese lorry crashed?
De-Brie was all over the road!