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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to share your best joke?

153 replies

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 19/10/2018 23:23

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bar tender:

'Please may I have............................................................................a pint?'

and the bar tender replies

'Why the long pause?'

and the bear says

'I dunno, I was just born with them'

fnar fnarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:
JaretsGirlfren · 20/10/2018 08:01

Where does a mansplainer get his water from?

From a well, actually...

PositiveVibez · 20/10/2018 08:12

Haha Jarets. Like that one 😂

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump-kin

thenewaveragebear1983 · 20/10/2018 08:28

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other ‘does this taste funny to you?’

How did the Eskimo get the answer right? Inuit.

What’s the difference between a crab with big boobs and a bus stop in the roughest part of town? Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

MardyMavis · 20/10/2018 10:00

our local ice cream man dead the other day in his van 😔 he was covered in hundreds and thousands and raspberry sauce...police say he topped himself.....😏

MardyMavis · 20/10/2018 10:02

"Was found dead" jeez it's the way you tell em 

foxyknoxy30 · 20/10/2018 10:07

What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow balls 😂

Heratnumber7 · 20/10/2018 10:54

What do you call a fly with no legs?

A currant.

noworklifebalance · 20/10/2018 11:34

Why was 7 scared of 8?
Because 7, 8, 9

noworklifebalance · 20/10/2018 11:35

What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt

noworklifebalance · 20/10/2018 11:36

Why were there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the parrots ate 'em all

MissConductUS · 20/10/2018 13:11

A gorilla walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The publican serves it to him and the gorilla says "How much do I owe you?".

The publican has heard that gorillas aren't very smart, so he answers "twenty quid". The gorilla looks at him for a moment, then puts twenty down on the bar and drinks his beer.

As the gorilla is getting ready to leave the publican says "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here."

The gorilla says "At twenty quid a pint, I'm not surprised".

Lymphy · 20/10/2018 13:33

Inflatable mum gets called in to her inflatable sons inflatable school. She and her inflatable son sit In the inflatable chairs in the inflatable office, the inflatable headteacher comes in. "I've called you in as your son has been found with a safety pin on his person, I'm extremely disappointed, he's let his class down, he's let me down, he's let the school down but most of all he's let himself down"

A thank you
I'm here all week, don't have the chicken it's fowl, ba dum tish! 😂

LittleBookofCalm · 20/10/2018 13:35

I am getting rid of the hoover, it was just collecting dust

LittleBookofCalm · 20/10/2018 13:40

Man walks into the jewellers, bi would like to buy a watch, analogue asks the jeweler, no just a watch, says the msn

LittleBookofCalm · 20/10/2018 13:40

Read that out loud

squishee · 20/10/2018 13:42

What do you say to someone who has stolen your cheese? That's nacho cheese.

(Lifted from the last joke thread)

ILoveDaveGrohl · 20/10/2018 13:53

Why did the pie cross the road?

Because he was Meat 'n' potato 👀

Monday55 · 20/10/2018 13:54

What do you call an English man's fart?

British Gas

DanFmDorking · 20/10/2018 13:57

If 2x2 makes 4
3x3 makes 9,
how come 0x0 makes gravy.

My girlfriend's run off and taken my tractor.
She left me a John Deere letter.

2 things I hate

  1. Lists
  2. Irony
  3. Maths

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

"Take me home Taxi driver." My passenger said.
Why does every one want to go to my house then moan when we get there?

ANellRetentive · 20/10/2018 13:57

Why did Adele cross the road?

So she could say "hello from the other side"

MissConductUS · 20/10/2018 14:00

The NIH (National Institute of Health) is the agency of the US federal government that performs medical research and is located in Washington, DC.

The NIH switched from using lab rats as test subjects to using lawyers instead. This caused controversy in congress, most of whom are lawyers The managing director of the NIH was called in front of congress to explain the change, and he gave these reasons.

  1. There are more lawyers than rats in Washington.
  2. The staff was growing fond of the rats.
  3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
thesnailandthewhale · 20/10/2018 14:06

Last week Jimmy Kennedy, writer of the Hokey Cokey passed away. All was fine until the undertakers tried to put his left leg in the coffin ...

RollaBowlaBall · 20/10/2018 14:11

@theymademejoin

What accent can you possibly have that means “No idea” and “No eye dear” sound different?

RollaBowlaBall · 20/10/2018 14:15

Heard this last week and it made me laugh for hours. No one else thinks it is as funny as I do (and I’ve told a billion people).

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To visit the idiot.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
The chicken!

Still cracks me up Grin

jenthelibrarian · 20/10/2018 14:34

Why is tantric sex like booking a plumber?
You stay in all day and nobody comes.