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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt (godparent snub)

133 replies

user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 21:48

DH and I have very good friends who we have known as a couple for 15+ years. Friends of DH and myself were asked by the husband (Mr. Jones) if we would be godparents for their baby. We pointed out that only DH is catholic and that I am not. Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork. (It appeared they had already considered and clarified this issue.) Overjoyed we agreed. Our children are older, we have no other godchildren or nieces/nephews to spoil.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

The day of the christening arrived. We entered the church which was already quite full and sat in the pew reserved for godparents. My friend, Mrs. Jones, came over to me said “this pew is reserved for godparents you have to sit elsewhere”, said in a matter of fact manner, she then turned and walked away. I went and sat down with my children who we had placed several rows back. I was dumbfounded.

These are people we had been through all kinds of family joys and terrible heartaches over so many years. My husband stood at the front grinning with joy and from where I sat I couldn’t even see the baby. I had no role at the christening at all. My deep bond with my friends disappeared.
My friends saw I was upset when we arrived at the party, but I didn’t want to discuss it, pulled myself together, it was after all a celebration. When we got home I cried. My husband didn’t know what to say, he just held me in bed.

A few days later I received a very apologetic letter from Mrs. Jones, stating how they were so sorry, they had messed up, had only learnt about the witness thing after the christening, and that I should feel like a real godparent. But I don’t. (I replied with a text (as we were going on holiday) that it’s fine, but they know me long enough to know it’s not really)

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special. But I am still terribly sad that the bond I had with people I knew I’d being growing old with, has gone. They have altered the levels of relationships within our friendship. Additionally DH and I are polar opposites, so consciously or unconsciously they have made a statement about what values are important to them, and they are clearly not those embodied by me. I am also annoyed that I will have to constantly prod DH to think about/contact/ do something for his godchild.

We have not discussed it since. (I guess they don’t know where to start, and I don’t really want to, because I’ll just cry) We are still friends, do things together, but it’s just feels so superficial now. So, AIBU to feel hurt? I keep trying to just kick myself to just get over it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 19/10/2018 21:55

It's clear you are very upset and feel snubbed, but I'm a bit confused by what's happened here. My husband is catholic and I am not, he is the godfather to a little girl who is the daughter of a couple we are very close to. I'm not her godmother though, or anything other than an honorary 'auntie' figure, which is normal and fine by me. When she was christened she had a godmother but that woman's husband wasn't involved either. All normal. There were no witnesses or anything as far as I can remember.

I suppose what I'm saying is that godparenting isn't a 'couple' thing in my experience. Did you think you were going to be godmother?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 19/10/2018 22:00

Were you both asked to be Godparents? I am Catholic and both my children are baptised Catholics, not sure what this witness thing but our priest said that as long as one of the Godparents was Catholic then the rest could be whoever we wanted. Never heard of being a witness

DeusEx · 19/10/2018 22:01

Ive never seen a particular distinction between godparent and their spouse - it’s a sort of two for one deal, I guess. My husband and his parents can’t even remember whether it is Mr or Mrs [name] who are his godparent as they essentially co-godparent!

The service sounds very upsetting - I am sorry, that would have been humiliating and hurtful. That said, I’m going to go for some tough love here: it was just a service, in a church whose beliefs you do not hold. Would you throw away years of friendship for an hour long service?

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:02

We were asked together to be godparents, definitely both of us. This is also how my husband understood it. And after we agreed to it, Mr. Jones called gleefully over to Mrs. Jones, “They said yes”.

OP posts:
Shednik · 19/10/2018 22:04

A non-Catholic Godparent is known as a "Christian witness" in the Catholic Church. Only one Godparent needs to be Catholic, only two can be on the paperwork.

My dd's have more than two Godparents. They are all Godparents. And not all are Catholic.

I do think your friend behaved badly.

My ds's godmother is barrier to someone who is not Godfather. He still sat in the Godparents' pew.

I've got no idea why your friend behaved like that. Don't know what to suggest other than explaining how hurt you were and how seriously you had taken the role.

canyouhearthedrums · 19/10/2018 22:04

No idea about the ins and outs of godparenting within the Catholic church, but I do understand that (awful) feeling of the friendship dynamic being changed forever.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:04

I don’t want to throw away years of friendship, but I don’t know how to “just get over it”.

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 19/10/2018 22:05

A godparent is an individual who leads them along their christened religious path and supports them during it. Like an aunt or uncle in religion.

It's not a token guardianship or couple role like you seem to think op.

How bizarre.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/10/2018 22:05

Probably missing the point of the thread, here but. They're great friends and you call them Mr and Mrs.Confused

Returnofthesmileybar · 19/10/2018 22:05

Clearly she thought she was going to be godmother, not to sign the cert but in every other capacity.

I see why you were hurt, they handled it badly. This clearly meant a lot to you, that said, the gifts/letter sound lovely but a little ott to get honest, is it possible that you hold the position in a higher regard than they do? Are they practising Catholic or was it more of a token christening?

Either way I wouldn't be prodding my dh to do anything, send normal gifts as you always would, she's nothing extra to you so just treat her the same as any other child (nicely)

Ochayethenoocoo · 19/10/2018 22:06

You sound hard work and overly dramatic. Honestly if you let a non -event like this ruin a friendship you're daft.

ArnoldBee · 19/10/2018 22:07

Ahhh but Mrs Jones didn't hear what you were told...

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/10/2018 22:07

@Awwlookatmybabyspider she probably didn't want to put their real names down and that's just as good as making up names. Does that really matter?

I'm sorry OP, you've got every right to feel that way. I can't comment on anything else because I'm not catholic or even religious however I do think you've got every right to be upset.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:10

I call them Mr. and Mrs. here, because I didn’t want use their names. Imagine “John” and “Yoko” instead, if it helps.

OP posts:
flossietoot · 19/10/2018 22:12

I think you are massively over reacting. Calm down. You aren’t catholic and for whatever reason that was a requirement. Let it go.

Biancadelriosback · 19/10/2018 22:12

I was raised Catholic and I've not heard of a 'witness' godparent? You're either a godparent or not. Most churches will accept at least one Catholic godparent providing the other(s) have at least been baptized.
You sound like you were taking this very, very seriously! I must admit, I'm godmother I hadn't planned activities for years to come prior to the baptism

Cuddlykitten123 · 19/10/2018 22:12

Technically you need to be catholic to be a godparent (you are agreeing to teach them the catholic Faith, so need to know/practice it. At least on paper) and non Catholics are sponsors who agree to teach the child to live morally etc.
I think it's up to the priest but 50% catholic to sponsors at least usually. But all would stand at the front with the baby and parents to recite the declaration for the actual baptism bit.

Sounds like the Jones got it totally wrong and hurt your feelings in the process. You can still be a fab 'auntie'!

Shednik · 19/10/2018 22:15

People are being so flipping harsh here!

I wish you were my dc's godparent op, you sound lovely.

A witness is the technical name for a non-Catholic Godparent within the Catholic Church. That's all.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:16

Hmm, I am potentially the most “religious “ of all of us, but do not belong to a church. I’m not in the UK, here there are certain gifts reserved/traditional for godparents, writing a letter to the godchild is one of these traditions.

OP posts:
Shednik · 19/10/2018 22:17

So the OP was asked to be Godparent then snubbed on the day. In the normal world anyone would be hurt. Only on mn would anyone say "get over it".

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:17

They are not regular churchgoers, but it was more than a token christening to them.

OP posts:
Wonkypalmtree · 19/10/2018 22:19

In think your shoes I would have just told them I wasn't catholic but I would love to be a godparent, then cracked on with it. They didn’t know what to do, clearly they thought that you couldn’t or wouldn’t be a godparent.

SezziBaybee · 19/10/2018 22:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:22

They know I am not catholic. I reiterated this point when Mr.Jones asked, and he then explained, yes, it was possible in the Catholic Church as a witness.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:25

I would like to “just get over it”, any suggestions?

OP posts: