AIBU to be hurt (godparent snub)

[user1471468218]

DH and I have very good friends who we have known as a couple for 15+ years. Friends of DH and myself were asked by the husband (Mr. Jones) if we would be godparents for their baby. We pointed out that only DH is catholic and that I am not. Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork. (It appeared they had already considered and clarified this issue.) Overjoyed we agreed. Our children are older, we have no other godchildren or nieces/nephews to spoil.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

The day of the christening arrived. We entered the church which was already quite full and sat in the pew reserved for godparents. My friend, Mrs. Jones, came over to me said “this pew is reserved for godparents you have to sit elsewhere”, said in a matter of fact manner, she then turned and walked away. I went and sat down with my children who we had placed several rows back. I was dumbfounded.

These are people we had been through all kinds of family joys and terrible heartaches over so many years. My husband stood at the front grinning with joy and from where I sat I couldn’t even see the baby. I had no role at the christening at all. My deep bond with my friends disappeared.
My friends saw I was upset when we arrived at the party, but I didn’t want to discuss it, pulled myself together, it was after all a celebration. When we got home I cried. My husband didn’t know what to say, he just held me in bed.

A few days later I received a very apologetic letter from Mrs. Jones, stating how they were so sorry, they had messed up, had only learnt about the witness thing after the christening, and that I should feel like a real godparent. But I don’t. (I replied with a text (as we were going on holiday) that it’s fine, but they know me long enough to know it’s not really)

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special. But I am still terribly sad that the bond I had with people I knew I’d being growing old with, has gone. They have altered the levels of relationships within our friendship. Additionally DH and I are polar opposites, so consciously or unconsciously they have made a statement about what values are important to them, and they are clearly not those embodied by me. I am also annoyed that I will have to constantly prod DH to think about/contact/ do something for his godchild.

We have not discussed it since. (I guess they don’t know where to start, and I don’t really want to, because I’ll just cry) We are still friends, do things together, but it’s just feels so superficial now. So, AIBU to feel hurt? I keep trying to just kick myself to just get over it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

I don't think we can tell you how to get over it, other than repeating that it was clearly a miscommunication along with some stupid mindlessness on the day (telling you to sit at back).

Do you believe that there was mean intent or that they genuinely think less of you? If so- consider whether you still want this friendship.

Otherwise, either address it with them or accept it for what it was- a cock up.

Based on how you come across, it appears that you are struggling to let it go, perhaps addressing it with them directly might help you get some closure.

But ultimately, this does sound like an oversight and miscommunication on their part, and an overreaction on your part.

I think they handled the situation badly. They should not have asked you to be a godparent when that's not what they meant.

However, I'm a practising catholic and would only ask practising Catholics to be godparents. The role (to me) is to be responsible for the child's religious education if anything happened to me / DP. It isn't about an emotional closeness to either the parents or the child. I'm godparent to one niece but not the other niece or nephew. I love them all the same, and treat them all the same too. But if anything happens to DSis I know I'm responsible for taking my niece to church each week and supporting her through her sacraments. It isn't an honorary role for those of us who truly believe.

You've asked how to get over it - I'd keep thinking of that. It isn't a judgement of how much they like you, or how much they want you to be close to their child.

No rehearsal, no chat. My husband didn’t need to submit his own catholic credentials, which surprised me.

I agree with @curbsideprophet

With regard to moving on ...

1. Remember when you did something stupid - Think about a time you honestly made a mistake, apologized for it, and someone did not accept your apology

1. Put it in perspective - it’s a Christianing not a funeral - your supposed to be celebrating life by you’re focusing on being hurt

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself - I know your feelings are hurt, but your really making a drama out of it by going into how thoughtful you were with respect to presents and letters etc etc

1. Thing about the extremeness of your reaction - Maybe they find you a bit over the top - if someone went to all that effort for my child i would feel slightly uncomfortable like they were trying to outdo everyone else

I’m not without compassion - but you did ask how to get over it - that’s my best guess

Sorry for typos - hope you get the gist

Sometimes I wonder why Mumsnet had those odd hours where posters will assure you that they are are not without compassion. And then go on to say heartless stuff.
Ladymary
If someone does not know the tradition well, they are likely to do some research on it online. That online research will likely bring back a different picture than the actual norm of the society. OP made great effort. Why would that look to you as if she was trying to outdo others? Is there no positive meaning you could put on it?

Thank you everyone. It has really helped just to write it down and get some views. I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life. I’m not overly dramatic in real life, the drama is in my head. (I do generally try to put an effort into gifts for my friends, so this is not unusual for me.)

I don’t think you’re being over dramatic, OP.

I don’t understand MN sometimes- being asked to be a godparent is A Big Deal for most people, and a reflection of a close friendship. Of course it was gutting to put so much effort into taking on the role only for the couple to change their minds and lot tell you. The very fact the mother asked you to move seats and emphasised that the pew was only for godparents was just rubbing salt into the wound.

I’d mention to the DW that you were very hurt, but try to move on. However I’d make damn sure I left all godparent admin to DH- I wouldn’t be picking up the slack.

Perhaps you’re so upset still because you’re projecting issues that you have with your husband, onto this couple?

It is utterly irrelevant to the duration of godparent / witness that you did lots of reading, bought lots of gifts, planned future days out* etc - whilst your husband did, and you say will continue to do, nothing. (cash in a card at most)

You say you and he have opposite values - so it seems you’re saying it’s a slight on you that they prefer him? Isn’t he different but equally good? You’re married to him! It just seems very OTT on your part.

*planning future days out with a baby seems very over invested. I think anything beyond a vague idea that you’re looking forward to doing so in the coming years is a bit... intense?

They told you that you weren’t a godparent.
It’s not even your religion.
They asked you to move too abruptly - but, it was a christening, they had lots to organise and a ceremony to get on with! Surely a good friend would let that slide?
They even WROTE you an apology later!
What more do you want?!!!

To feel they’ve destroyed a 15 year bond over this minor thing? It sounds like something else is going on in your life to put you on edge. It’s just totally OTT.

To move on, I’d suggest examining just why this has wounded you so deeply. To start with, there’s a lot in your post that’s negative about your husband, yet that’s nothing to do with Mr&MrsJ.

Secondly, maybe consider a guided meditation with a counsellor who talks you through letting go (putting it into a hot air balloon... from the rest of my post you might think I’m being flippant on that, but I did one on a group once, and though it wasn’t for me, several group members really found it helpful)

It sounds to me like there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication. Maybe the way she talked to you in the church was abrupt, but she did apologise about it all afterwards.

What else do you need from them? They made a mistake and then apologised.

I think the fact that you were crying in bed about it afterwards just really baffles me. You really need to try and put it all into perspective.

Remember when you did something stupid - Think about a time you honestly made a mistake, apologized for it, and someone did not accept your apology

This. Mrs Jones was insensitive, possibly because she was feeling a bit frazzled on the day. She regrets that. She's spontaneously apologised to you. What more can she do? Please try to give her credit for the apology and try to move forward and focus on the little girl.

Well, I have been asked to be a (pseudo) godmother, so I’ll do my own presents from me. (but then it will always look like I’m trying to outdo DH )

You are seriously over reacting to this. Your friends made a mistake. You mentioned they were not practising Catholics, they probably did not know the ins and outs of the ceremony. Your DH would not have been asked for 'credentials' of his Catholicism, he states this as part of the ceremony. I have never heard of somebody sitting down and planning out Godparent duties and gifts years in advance. Most people I know accept the invitation to be a Godparent and inwardly groan that they have to put a higher amount in birthday cards now!

You are massively over reacting by crying about this. Your friends must be mortified. If you can't get over it, you really need to look at yourself and your view of friendship.

I do not mean to be terribly hard on you. It meant a lot to you for some reason. You simply have to put it in perspective.

I am saying this as a Catholic and my children are baptised Catholics. When I asked an immediate family member if she would be a Godparent, I received a reply of 'its too much hassle to attend on the x christening day'. Now that was hurtful but I had to respect the honesty :).

“They said yes”
This statement could easily just have been about you both agreeing for your dh to be godparent, not both of you. It sounds like couple miscommunication, which led to an embarrassing cock up.

Remember they cannot have known you read up on the process and studied for hours. They have a baby and have organised a christening. They’ve had a lot on their plate.

You sound like a massive perfectionist. Writing a formal letter of apology is pretty extreme and they obviously know you are easily hurt so there’s no way this was deliberate.

The best way to get over this is to give yourself and others some slack. Admit your own mistakes and allow others to have theirs.

You say you love this child and want to be there for them. Well do so then.

Honestly if you’re going to let this friendship slide over a simple miscommunication you really are a fool. And tbh if you do decide to walk away from the child because you didn’t have an official role assigned on the day of the christening I would consider your behaviour far worse than theirs. You will be doing this with intent.

I think you get over this by throwing yourself into being a godmother. The more you do it the more you’ll feel like one.

I understand OP. I think your friends acted terribly in asking You to move.

However, what is strange is that they did ask you in the first place. Could what you told Mr Jones (ie I'm not Catholic but would love to be involved) have got lost in translation and Mrs Jones didn't realise? (maybe he missed out the second part of that message and forgot to tell her that yes, you would like to do the witness thing they had looked up. My own husband is very vague sometimes...)

You sound like a lovely person and the child is lucky to have you in its life.

I won’t walk away from this child, or the siblings! We are all still friends. In this country it is normal to present proof of being catholic for this.

Drama! You say in your OP you were asked to be a witness.

Sending cash is not the godparents’ role. Spiritual and moral guidance is.

FWIW I think you are behaving far worse than your 'friends' did. They made a mistake. You are deliberately behaving like a child.

Evicting you from the pew was really hurtful and unnecessary.

As an aside, don't buy presents on behalf of your OH, to give to the child. Not as retaliation for what has happened, but because he's a grown man who can manage to buy a present. My DH was shit at choosing presents when he first had god-children, but I absolutely refused to get them for him, and now is has learnt to research suitable choices and get them himself. Men are perfectly capable of doing this stuff, if a woman doesn't get guilted into doing it for them.

Your expectations were not met and Mrs jones behaved in a very clumsy way. She has apologised. The child will not know about what happened at the service and the best way of being a godparent is to give them a wonderful example of what it is to be a caring and loving person.
Nice that your DH held you when you were upset. Try and see the good in your friends who I am sure did not mean to hurt you. They saw your role as being on going rather than what happened in the service. The best Godparents are active in the child's life, be that best Godparent.

@Ellisandra - my husband is awesome, but doesn’t do the things traditionally expected of a godparent in this country, which I’ll admit annoys me. We’re a great team - ying and yang
@FeeFee - that’s the plan.
@hola - agree it was strange, I didn’t expect to be asked, simply because I’m just not catholic. I was happy with any godparent they chose.

I wouldn't be sending ANYTHING .. to this not very pleasant couple... for someone so desperately upset about the rude snub .. I can't think you're falling over yourself to shower them with gifts and money... Why would you bother after they way they treated you ? but if you're not bothered then you need to drop this now ?

Gemini
What deliberate snub? A church has rules about where official godparents sit and where other members of the congregation sit. The mother of the baby to be christened simply informed op she was sitting in the place assigned for godparents.

Thank you and good night.