AIBU to be hurt (godparent snub)

[user1471468218]

DH and I have very good friends who we have known as a couple for 15+ years. Friends of DH and myself were asked by the husband (Mr. Jones) if we would be godparents for their baby. We pointed out that only DH is catholic and that I am not. Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork. (It appeared they had already considered and clarified this issue.) Overjoyed we agreed. Our children are older, we have no other godchildren or nieces/nephews to spoil.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

The day of the christening arrived. We entered the church which was already quite full and sat in the pew reserved for godparents. My friend, Mrs. Jones, came over to me said “this pew is reserved for godparents you have to sit elsewhere”, said in a matter of fact manner, she then turned and walked away. I went and sat down with my children who we had placed several rows back. I was dumbfounded.

These are people we had been through all kinds of family joys and terrible heartaches over so many years. My husband stood at the front grinning with joy and from where I sat I couldn’t even see the baby. I had no role at the christening at all. My deep bond with my friends disappeared.
My friends saw I was upset when we arrived at the party, but I didn’t want to discuss it, pulled myself together, it was after all a celebration. When we got home I cried. My husband didn’t know what to say, he just held me in bed.

A few days later I received a very apologetic letter from Mrs. Jones, stating how they were so sorry, they had messed up, had only learnt about the witness thing after the christening, and that I should feel like a real godparent. But I don’t. (I replied with a text (as we were going on holiday) that it’s fine, but they know me long enough to know it’s not really)

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special. But I am still terribly sad that the bond I had with people I knew I’d being growing old with, has gone. They have altered the levels of relationships within our friendship. Additionally DH and I are polar opposites, so consciously or unconsciously they have made a statement about what values are important to them, and they are clearly not those embodied by me. I am also annoyed that I will have to constantly prod DH to think about/contact/ do something for his godchild.

We have not discussed it since. (I guess they don’t know where to start, and I don’t really want to, because I’ll just cry) We are still friends, do things together, but it’s just feels so superficial now. So, AIBU to feel hurt? I keep trying to just kick myself to just get over it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

I haven’t read all the posts, but this sounds rubbish for you. I’m catholic, my husband isn’t. All three of our children have been christened in a Catholic Church with a mix of catholic and non-catholic godparents. All the godparents participated in the ceremony, there was no distinction between them. Your friends should have included you in everything, there was no reason not to.

I do not think you are overreacting! You clearly care deeply about your friends. You were treated apparently (apology or no apology, saying sorry doesn't undo their behaviour) and I don't know how I would come back from this to be honest. Perhaps some distance is required, but most definitely not showering them with gifts and affection... 

The way they treated OP on the day is appalling.

It would stick in my craw to buy the thoughtless fuckers anything else, let alone thoughtful presents on behalf of your DH.

OP, what do you and your children get from these people?

It sounds like your friends were a bit intimidated by the procedures. If you harbour a hurt it is you who are most hurt by it. You have every reason to feel hurt. This is now feeding the insecurities we all have. Shake it off tell yourself you are enough you are worthy and you are as good as the rest and you are going to have a brilliant day today.

I get why your feeling were hurt, but it's three months and it's time to move on. It sounds as though the humiliation was coupled by the fact you put all this extra work into it, however no one asked you to. You put all this pressure on yourself and to be fair that is your responsibility not theirs.
The fact you are reacting so strongly and that they have formally apologized already makes me wonder if this is a struggle you have in other relationships. It sounds like you have high expectations for yourself and others and I can't help but wonder if you often feel let down.
You are Catholic so it makes sense your husband would be the formal Godparent. I don't really know what you mean by they value his values more? It sounds like there are other things going on here that go beyond the initial snub.

Sorry, I meant you aren't Catholic.

The way forward for me would be to love the child as I would have done, regardless of your 'relationship' or title with the child.
Do this right and the child will consider you a friend/confident/respected and loved elder.
You are not Catholic so can't truly attend to this child's spiritual development. But that does not matter. What matters is love.
The parents messed up, they know they have, the wrote and tried to make amends. I don't think the were malicious, just very thoughtless.
Talk it over and see if you can make peace.
If something dreadful were to befall either of them, would this Godparent snub stop you from caring for them (the parents) or would you let bygones be bygones?

You are being absolutely ridiculous. What a complete over reaction.

If you were your own best friend what would you say to yourself? If you were to look back on this time when you are nearing the end of your life what would you wish you had done/ responded?

It sounds like Mr Jones fault to me - he told you you'd be a witness and as other posters are indicating, non-Catholics can be godparents in the form of witnesses. But he clearly didn't tell Mrs Jones, who only learned about this afterwards hence her apology. I can totally see why you were upset on the day but it sounds like it was just a general fuck up and you need to move on.

If it makes you feel better I'm godmother to one of my nieces and a nephew but not the other niece as I booked my flight the wrong weekend for her christening. We just pretend I am anyway and all is well.

She was unspeakably rude to you. YANBU.

I also think this is a complete over reaction. When people are hosting formal events like this or weddings this sort of stuff happens. Let it go!

Isn't everyone who was in the church at the christening a witness?

Wow that’s not my definition of unspeakably rude.

Mummyoflittledragon

It is mine. I gasped.

You are obviously hurting. I am a little confused how Mr Jones could have had a whole plan laid out for you as a 'witness/unofficial but still genuine grandparent' whilst Mrs Jones had no knowledge of this plan until after the Christening. Do they not speak to each other? I find it close to impossible that Mr Jones would have the whole alternative godparent thing worked out with no communication with his wife. Are you sure she was genuinely ignorant and not just spiteful and weird? In any event, it sounds like the only way you will get past this is to have a proper sit-down conversation with them where you have the opportunity to express your hurt and humiliation. As for the duties, I would treat the child with all the love you feel but maybe don't do it as a 'godparent' but more as a really nice person. And leave your frankly unhelpful sounding husband to carry the burden of being a useless godparent.

I'm feeling a lot of sympathy for Mr and Mrs Jones. They made an unfortunate error and apologised and are being slagged off here in a totally unfair way. Anyone would think they'd ordered the op out of the church and told her to never come near their child again.

OP you really are overreacting. Please just drop it and accept it was a misunderstanding. No one deliberately snubbed you and as another poster said I'm sure your friends had absolutely no idea you had gone to so much trouble.

The almost exact same thing happened to me and I was hurt tbh- my one and only time I’d been asked to be a godparent and then suddenly I wasn’t at all.

However it really should have nothing to do with your relationship with the child. You clearly care for that baby and have been looking forward to building a close bond over their life. Please still do so. My own dc’s godparents have largely been utterly useless in terms of showing any interest in them.

They are sorry they’ve caused you to be upset. Now show you are able to overcome the hurt and step up to the role they offered you.

YANBU to feel hurt.

YABU to hold such a grudge 3 months later. You emotionally over-invested to compensate for not being a Catholic Godparent and this was thrown back in your face -they fucked up. They apologised profusely. They can't take back what happened - what do you want from them? Why is it such a ridiculously huge deal for you? You are choosing to dwell on it. You are choosing to replay this in your head. You are choosing to play the martyr (they know I'm upset, I tell them I'm fine!)

It all sounds horribly uncomfortable and I would struggle in their place to be spending time with you knowing that there is that underlying feeling of resentment. At this rate, you're going to end up even less involved than you already feel.

Gitfeatures

YANBU to feel hurt.

YABU to hold such a grudge 3 months later. You emotionally over-invested to compensate for not being a Catholic Godparent and this was thrown back in your face -they fucked up. They apologised profusely. They can't take back what happened - what do you want from them? Why is it such a ridiculously huge deal for you?

This would be a huge deal for me because the OP was made to look a fool so publicly. Had the Jones' had the decency to explain this before the event, before the OP took what she genuinely believed to be her correct place in the church, I'm sure OP would have been able to deal with it. When the conversation took place in full view of the congregation, it's not just hurtful, it's humiliating. And no, there probably isn't anything the Jones'could do, short of inviting the entire congregation back and explaining that it was not OP who was mistaken, it was them.

I don't know how you 'get over it's OP, but I admire your determination to do so.

Unfortunately, apologies do not negate the behaviour. You can choose to forgive someone for acting in a certain way, but the fact remains, they did so. In this case, the 'friend' knowingly embarrassed the OP in public, and at an event where she thought she was in a place of honour. It's unforgivable, in my eyes.

You were asked to be a witness, not a godparent.
You threw yourself into godparent things, even though you were not a godparent.
You sat in the godparent pews when the church was quite full (surely being involved in the ceremony you should have been one of the first to arrive?), even though you were not a godparent so they asked you to move.
You huffed through the party.
They sent you an apology letter but you're still upset 3 months later.

You're going to lose their friendship and then you will never see the child.

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special.

It is your friends child. Crying in bed, getting upset about not being able to get a good view, planning potential gifts and activities was into the future when you don't even know the child and their personality.

You sound really, REALLY over invested in this baby.

I would like to “just get over it”, any suggestions?

Readjust your expectations and investment.
Don't be a mug.
Reset your boundaries.

You are not a godparent (nor a pseudo one) so don't act like one re all the gift/activity organising.
Your lazy, lying husband should not have accepted this role if he can't be arsed and has no intention of taking his role seriously.
He will take all the credit and recognition for your hard work and ideas so don't be a mug doing all the work behind the scenes.

I can understand why you feel hurt with the way they handled it, but at least they were honest re the roles....but why aren't you angry at your husband?
He's lied on oath, is watching you take on the mental load knowing full well he will take the glory for it.
He should be ashamed of himself!

You can have the same close relationship with the child as an 'aunt' etc, at least that way you are recognised for the effort you put in.

Hang, on, Heebie, the OP’s husband hasn’t ‘lied on oath’. He’s made a non-legally-binding promise in a religious ceremony to help the child’s parents raise the child in their faith. Catholic godparental rules do not require a fervent commitment to years of special activities and presents.

I have an unofficial godparent relationship with my friend’s DD. It’s actually my husband who is godfather, I couldn’t be one as I was never baptised myself. But we treat it as an equal responsibility. The fact he was the only one that stood by the font isn’t the be all or end all. It’s what you do after that counts

I do think you were a tad U I’m afraid. It sounds like you made your feelings completely obvious at the do, or they wouldn’t have written to you. And feel happy they did, as the other option was them getting the hump at you putting a dampener on their day.