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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt (godparent snub)

133 replies

user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 21:48

DH and I have very good friends who we have known as a couple for 15+ years. Friends of DH and myself were asked by the husband (Mr. Jones) if we would be godparents for their baby. We pointed out that only DH is catholic and that I am not. Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork. (It appeared they had already considered and clarified this issue.) Overjoyed we agreed. Our children are older, we have no other godchildren or nieces/nephews to spoil.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

The day of the christening arrived. We entered the church which was already quite full and sat in the pew reserved for godparents. My friend, Mrs. Jones, came over to me said “this pew is reserved for godparents you have to sit elsewhere”, said in a matter of fact manner, she then turned and walked away. I went and sat down with my children who we had placed several rows back. I was dumbfounded.

These are people we had been through all kinds of family joys and terrible heartaches over so many years. My husband stood at the front grinning with joy and from where I sat I couldn’t even see the baby. I had no role at the christening at all. My deep bond with my friends disappeared.
My friends saw I was upset when we arrived at the party, but I didn’t want to discuss it, pulled myself together, it was after all a celebration. When we got home I cried. My husband didn’t know what to say, he just held me in bed.

A few days later I received a very apologetic letter from Mrs. Jones, stating how they were so sorry, they had messed up, had only learnt about the witness thing after the christening, and that I should feel like a real godparent. But I don’t. (I replied with a text (as we were going on holiday) that it’s fine, but they know me long enough to know it’s not really)

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special. But I am still terribly sad that the bond I had with people I knew I’d being growing old with, has gone. They have altered the levels of relationships within our friendship. Additionally DH and I are polar opposites, so consciously or unconsciously they have made a statement about what values are important to them, and they are clearly not those embodied by me. I am also annoyed that I will have to constantly prod DH to think about/contact/ do something for his godchild.

We have not discussed it since. (I guess they don’t know where to start, and I don’t really want to, because I’ll just cry) We are still friends, do things together, but it’s just feels so superficial now. So, AIBU to feel hurt? I keep trying to just kick myself to just get over it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

OP posts:
Beesandfrogsandfleas · 19/10/2018 22:26

Is it possible that either the baby's dad or your dh completely messed up the request? Not that that makes it better for you but just can't see the reason. You should not have been put in this situation

Belindabauer · 19/10/2018 22:26

I'd leave all the gift buying to your dh.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:29

DH was with me when we were asked. It was actually very clear and straightforward. Mr. Jones may have messed up the message, but they could have said something at later point in time before the date of the christening or in the apology letter to that effect.

OP posts:
LavenderBear · 19/10/2018 22:32

It sounds like they messed up, but also that they know they did. The fact that they sent you a letter after the christening says a lot, I think. Not only did they realise what happened, but also the effect on you.

Mistakes happen, it was an important (but probably stressful) day for them, and if otherwise this has been a great friendship, I'd give them some leeway here. They've owned up and apologised, and there's probably not much more they can do.

Give it a bit of time and see how you feel. It probably still feels very raw, but time will help.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:32

DH doesn’t put any thought into gifts. For her birthday he used a gift I had purchased, personalized and wrapped.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/10/2018 22:34

Unless you talk about it and they see the hurt and properly apologize I don't see how you can carry on.

You'll always have it at the forefront of your mind when you see them.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:35

@NannyOgg you are probably right.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/10/2018 22:35

I'd tell Mrs Jones where to shove her cold demeanor on the day of the Christening... you call her a dear friend... I certainly wouldn't Hmm

batshitbetty · 19/10/2018 22:36

Personally I don't think you need a title to have a close bond with a child, it's very artificial - I have a godchild who I barely have any relationship with (family member but not a strong relationship) and I have non god children that I have amazingly close relationships with. I do think you are being unreasonable by not speaking to them about it now the dust has settled - if you are close enough to them for any 'godparent' discussions to happen at all, you should be able to have an adult conversation about it and clear the air. Sulking and diminishing your relationship without that conversation taking place seems a little childish, you don't know what else was going on or why she said that?

Honeypickle · 19/10/2018 22:37

Since you’ve asked how you can get over it, I’ll suggest you concentrate on the child, your love for the child, and how you can make it’s life happier/better going forward.
My friend’s little girl has just been diagnosed with cancer. You’re upset and I understand that. But there are far worse things.

batshitbetty · 19/10/2018 22:40

Didn't see the paragraph about the apology letter, they have already apologised so believe even more that you need to have a proper conversation about it!

NotTheQueen · 19/10/2018 22:40

I think in some parishes they can be more fussy particular than others, bearing in mind my family is of the ‘hatches, matches and dispatches’ type of Catholicism on one side and slightly pagan Presbyterian on the other.

My DHs cousin was asked to be a godparent to her brothers little boy. Their own parents are deceased so it’s just the two siblings and they’re very close. Her own boys have been through the whole baptism, confirmation thing, etc yet as her own husband is a Muslim, her brothers priest refused to allow her to take a godparent role and it hurt. Different parishes, different rules. Meanwhile I’ve got godparent badges coming out of my ears (DINK, guess we’re in demand) - Catholic, COE, Presbyterian etc.

What does really suck is how your ‘friend’ handled it, it was tactless and hurtful, and I suspect she was flustered in the church but now realises she’s offended you. Unfortunately if you’re like me, the hurt will always be underlying there no matter what is or isn’t said in the future. Part of it is probably having your opinion / expectations of her and your friendship dented a little, that you might put more value on it than she does. You’ll have to take a deep breath, and just accept that some people are crap. Hugs because it does suck

AgnesBrownsCat · 19/10/2018 22:40

If they don’t even go to church regularly why did they even have godparents . They don’t sound terribly religious . You have three choices here- distance yourself , huff or talk to them .

YouBetterWOooOooOoo · 19/10/2018 22:41

Maybe a daft suggestion but would they be willing to attend a regular Sunday service with you and ask the priest to say a few words/prayers mentioning you specifically as godparent/witness?

Something like we pray for Jones' baby, who was baptised on so and so date, mr and mrs jones would like a special prayer for user14...who is baby Jones' godparent/witness? Something in church to have it feel more official than "yeah, sorry, just consider yourself a godparent". You could light a candle for baby afterwards and ask for a photo with godchild at the church, it might go towards healing a lot of the hurt that you feel and that they clearly have realised they've caused.

al2002 · 19/10/2018 22:44

How long ago did this happen? Usually just the passage of time will 'help you get over it.'
Don't know whether or not I'd suggest talking it out with Mr & Mrs Jones; sometimes least said soonest mended is the best strategy.

Pebblespony · 19/10/2018 22:48

What they did was wrong but they did apologise. It seems to be getting slightly blown out of proportion. If they're not religious, then having godparents was more of a formality than anything. They probably didn't realise you'd get so invested.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:48

3 months ago
I tend to just be as busy as possible to not think about this kind of thing.

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 19/10/2018 22:48

Why would you ruin a 15 year friendship when they've apologised for any confusion / hurt feelings? Confused Sometimes we do or say things that hurt those around us. Apologies have been made, so why wouldn't you want to move on?

In the nicest possible way you have created a far bigger drama than this all needed to be. Your husband's lack of interest in being a godparent is his own business. You really need to take a step back.

HildaZelda · 19/10/2018 22:49

I'm (very lapsed) Catholic, but from what I can remember only one godparent has to be Catholic. I know in the case of a friend who had her DD baptised, the godfather was Catholic but the godmother was CofE (not a couple)
Some people make a huge thing out of godparents, personally it doesn't mean much to me or most people I know.

I do think Mrs Jones behaved badly though and can understand why you were upset if you'd already been told that you were going to be a godparent and you were looking forward to it.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:50

I want to move on.

OP posts:
PinkLady01 · 19/10/2018 22:54

You’re being ridiculously dramatic tbh

LaDameAuxLicornes · 19/10/2018 22:54

It sounds as if there might have been some miscommunication between the couple themselves as to exactly what role they were asking you to take on. The difficulty is that you can't, technically speaking, be a godparent to a Catholic child if you aren't a Catholic yourself and so that was always going to lead to potential ambiguity over exactly what they were asking you to do unless very clearly discussed. I think it would have been more sensible of them either to have asked you and your DH together, with just him in the formal religious role but leaving you as Christian witness and undisputed "honorary godmother", or to have asked just him plus this other lady, without involving you at all. They have managed it badly as the child already has a godmother, so your role was always going to be a bit ambiguous.

Original poster
user1471468218 · 19/10/2018 22:55

@YouBetter - interesting thought. Yes, It doesn’t feel official.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 19/10/2018 22:55

Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork.

Sorry if I'm being thick here, but you were told your dh would be a God parent and you are a witness (like everyone else witnessing the christening). I think you got your wires crossed and misunderstood what John was clumsily saying.

Was there not a rehearsal or a chat with the priest for God parents prior to the christening?

SantaClauseMightWork · 19/10/2018 22:56

I don't think it is the kind of thing you come back from. Do not do any such thing on your husband's behalf. You can always send your ex-friends that assortment of gifts and ask them to consider it from your family's gift. However, don't do anything beyond this.
I do agree that your values are different than their values. You will only create more heartache for yourself if you tried to force yourself into staying firemds with them the same way. Do not spend as much time together either.
Been there, done that. Flowers