AIBU to be hurt (godparent snub)

[user1471468218]

DH and I have very good friends who we have known as a couple for 15+ years. Friends of DH and myself were asked by the husband (Mr. Jones) if we would be godparents for their baby. We pointed out that only DH is catholic and that I am not. Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork. (It appeared they had already considered and clarified this issue.) Overjoyed we agreed. Our children are older, we have no other godchildren or nieces/nephews to spoil.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

The day of the christening arrived. We entered the church which was already quite full and sat in the pew reserved for godparents. My friend, Mrs. Jones, came over to me said “this pew is reserved for godparents you have to sit elsewhere”, said in a matter of fact manner, she then turned and walked away. I went and sat down with my children who we had placed several rows back. I was dumbfounded.

These are people we had been through all kinds of family joys and terrible heartaches over so many years. My husband stood at the front grinning with joy and from where I sat I couldn’t even see the baby. I had no role at the christening at all. My deep bond with my friends disappeared.
My friends saw I was upset when we arrived at the party, but I didn’t want to discuss it, pulled myself together, it was after all a celebration. When we got home I cried. My husband didn’t know what to say, he just held me in bed.

A few days later I received a very apologetic letter from Mrs. Jones, stating how they were so sorry, they had messed up, had only learnt about the witness thing after the christening, and that I should feel like a real godparent. But I don’t. (I replied with a text (as we were going on holiday) that it’s fine, but they know me long enough to know it’s not really)

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special. But I am still terribly sad that the bond I had with people I knew I’d being growing old with, has gone. They have altered the levels of relationships within our friendship. Additionally DH and I are polar opposites, so consciously or unconsciously they have made a statement about what values are important to them, and they are clearly not those embodied by me. I am also annoyed that I will have to constantly prod DH to think about/contact/ do something for his godchild.

We have not discussed it since. (I guess they don’t know where to start, and I don’t really want to, because I’ll just cry) We are still friends, do things together, but it’s just feels so superficial now. So, AIBU to feel hurt? I keep trying to just kick myself to just get over it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

I was raised Catholic by a devout mother and had godparents myself. Said devout mother was also godparent to my godmother's children. Even the most zealous Catholics I know - and I know a few - do not go to the lengths vis-a-vis godchildren as you have described above. There really is no need.

Good grief: I must be hard hearted but I can’t imagine getting conbobulated about this.

There must be at least one godparent and that person must be a baptized and confirmed Catholic. A person baptized validly in another Christian church may be a Christian witness to the Baptism but there must still be a Catholic godparent.

A person who has not been validly baptized cannot be a godparent or a Christian witness, though they may still attend the ceremony.

OP - You don't need to worry about appearing to 'outdo' DH with your Christmas presents etc. Why not do as many (longsuffering?) wives do? Just choose the lovely present and send it from both of you.

So the OP was asked to be Godparent then snubbed on the day. In the normal world anyone would be hurt. Only on mn would anyone say "get over it"

This. Some of the replies have been ridiculous. The OP is a person with feelings, not an unfeeling robot. It's extremely normal to be hurt in this situation.

Sometimes there is a clear marker that ends a friendship. For me, this would be one of those of times. An apology wouldn't cut it, especially after being so publicly embarrassed.

However, if you do decide to stay in contact, I wouldn't make any effort to remind your DH about gift giving occasions or help him out in that area. If they want him to be the godparent, whilst at the same time snubbing you, then they take the results of that, for better or worse.

rainbowtrain, I obviously don't know what the customs are in your country but in the UK you can certainly record one of the Christian witnesses (non-Catholic Godparent) on the certificate and leave off the name of a Catholic Godparent. One of the names on the certificate must be Catholic. That's it.

"YANBU to feel hurt.

YABU to hold such a grudge 3 months later. You emotionally over-invested to compensate for not being a Catholic Godparent and this was thrown back in your face -they fucked up. They apologised profusely. They can't take back what happened - what do you want from them? Why is it such a ridiculously huge deal for you? You are choosing to dwell on it. You are choosing to replay this in your head. You are choosing to play the martyr (they know I'm upset, I tell them I'm fine!)

It all sounds horribly uncomfortable and I would struggle in their place to be spending time with you knowing that there is that underlying feeling of resentment. At this rate, you're going to end up even less involved than you already feel." [quote]

I agree. While I can understand someone feeling a bit hurt and even annoyed about this,writing about your husband 'holding you while you sobbed' really makes it seem as if you feel this is on a par with some tragic event in your life.

It really isn't. It was a misunderstanding, not very well handled by a busy and hassled woman on the day of her daughter's christening, and apologised for afterwards.

Life is full of these kind of things and unless these friends have form for letting you down, I really think you should move on and accept that they didn't intend to hurt your feelings. Everyone makes mistakes and unless it's a regular occurrence, most friendships can survive the odd let down or misunderstanding.

I didn't realise people took godparenting so seriously. I don't even remember who my godparents are.