AIBU to be hurt (godparent snub)

[user1471468218]

DH and I have very good friends who we have known as a couple for 15+ years. Friends of DH and myself were asked by the husband (Mr. Jones) if we would be godparents for their baby. We pointed out that only DH is catholic and that I am not. Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork. (It appeared they had already considered and clarified this issue.) Overjoyed we agreed. Our children are older, we have no other godchildren or nieces/nephews to spoil.

In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years. My husband did nothing.

The day of the christening arrived. We entered the church which was already quite full and sat in the pew reserved for godparents. My friend, Mrs. Jones, came over to me said “this pew is reserved for godparents you have to sit elsewhere”, said in a matter of fact manner, she then turned and walked away. I went and sat down with my children who we had placed several rows back. I was dumbfounded.

These are people we had been through all kinds of family joys and terrible heartaches over so many years. My husband stood at the front grinning with joy and from where I sat I couldn’t even see the baby. I had no role at the christening at all. My deep bond with my friends disappeared.
My friends saw I was upset when we arrived at the party, but I didn’t want to discuss it, pulled myself together, it was after all a celebration. When we got home I cried. My husband didn’t know what to say, he just held me in bed.

A few days later I received a very apologetic letter from Mrs. Jones, stating how they were so sorry, they had messed up, had only learnt about the witness thing after the christening, and that I should feel like a real godparent. But I don’t. (I replied with a text (as we were going on holiday) that it’s fine, but they know me long enough to know it’s not really)

I love this child dearly, and as my DH will not manage more than the odd cash gift when prompted, I will do everything in my power to make this child feel extra special. But I am still terribly sad that the bond I had with people I knew I’d being growing old with, has gone. They have altered the levels of relationships within our friendship. Additionally DH and I are polar opposites, so consciously or unconsciously they have made a statement about what values are important to them, and they are clearly not those embodied by me. I am also annoyed that I will have to constantly prod DH to think about/contact/ do something for his godchild.

We have not discussed it since. (I guess they don’t know where to start, and I don’t really want to, because I’ll just cry) We are still friends, do things together, but it’s just feels so superficial now. So, AIBU to feel hurt? I keep trying to just kick myself to just get over it, but it hasn’t worked yet.

I don't think I could just shrug this off, because the way they made you move is unforgivable.

I had a huge row my my first DD's godparents on the eve of the Christening, thinking about it that was a 15 year + friendship as well. Things were never the same again - even though we did have some very frank conversations to try to clear the air, it never really worked. She was my best friend in all the world and died young, a few years ago, but we just could never really really get over that argument.

What I am trying to say is sometimes no matter how much both parties want it to be ok, friendships do fall apart, it happens and it hurts so much. I can't help feeling your DH doesn't cover himself in glory here either - why hasn't he said something to them?

You sound very dramatic and hysterical about this

Buy the kid a nice Christmas present every year and take them for a fancy meal around the time of their 18th, and stop with the drama...
It isn't all about you 

Gemini
What deliberate snub?

I said....... rude snub

OP, in the nicest possible way, you seem to be treating all of this like a matter of life and death — could it be that there isn’t enough going on in your own life? I’m not from the UK, am Catholic, and have several godchildren, and I have never planned potential gifts and years of activities. There was a minor miscommunication about seating at the ceremony — and, after all, you knew you were not an official godparent — which was apologised for, but which you are determined to turn into a schism and wreck a long friendship over. Your friends were not to know how terribly seriously you were taking the unofficial godparent role, and it’s also not your husband’s fault that he doesn’t see it as a huge thing that needs planning and reading up and projected activities in future etc.

It’s not about you it’s about the baby. Frankly if you don’t realise this then you shouldn’t be a godparent anyway. Yes Mrs J messed up by asking you to move, but she apologised, and wouldn’t it be better that you were sat with your children anyway? You really shouldn’t let this affect your friendship, you say you’re Christian but you’re not really behaving like you are tbh. Over-reacting, much.

She was rude to you on the day. She did realise and apologised. You are majorly overreacting and are sounding very dramatic. Meet up for coffee and a chat. It's not worth throwing 15 years of friendship away over this one thing.

Right. If you think your husband is so awesome, why is such a big deal that they “chose” the values embodied by him and not by you? What’s so bad about choosing yang over yin?
You just sound hysterical.

“The bond disappeared”.

If your friends posted, I’d be telling them it was time to cut the drama queen loose anyway.

Mrs Jones was feeling self-important and a bit bossy on the day of the christening. She saw chasing you off as a chance to flex her muscles I think.

I would feel the same way as you OP. You put a lot of effect into the role, took it seriously and would be better suited to be a God parent than your husband - instead you get snubbed.

I wish I could offer you some advice but I tend to be a loner and avoid people as much as I can so it would be no big deal for me to end the friendship. At least your husband cuddled you when you were upset. He's a keeper.

I think the issue is that you felt embarrassed and hurt by the incident in the church and you are now projecting it onto not being a godparent.

It was handled badly in the church. I'm sure your friend wanted you to be godparent but maybe the priest refused last minute to allow it. You don't know. Maybe your friend got it wrong and had to sort it so got in a flap. She may have behaved the way she did as she felt forced to not allow you and in her anxiousness dealt with it badly.

I can't see how you'd guide a child through a faith if you don't hold the faith yourself or even want to do the role. I don't practice any religion so wouldn't take on that role. I feel it would be inappropriate.

I feel you are on a cycle of continually thinking about it and your feeling of how important the role is has been exaggerated in your mind.

You need to separate the humiliation and disappointment to what the role means to you.

Try mindfulness. May be talk to your friend about why she changed her mind and how you felt when you were told you weren't doing it. Put it to rest.

Gemini
I am disabled and am feeling very ill at the moment resulting in a lot of brain fog. I accidentally used the wrong word. This did not change the meaning of my comment, which is equally valid.

User
I really don’t get why your friend snubbed you. That’s just how it felt to you when in reality she was probably stressed and a) wanting to ensure everyone was present and everything correct and b) not to have the priest draw attention to the fact that you were sitting in the wrong place (those seats being for church approved godparents).

It sounds as though she had an organiser/business head on her and she was thinking of overall logistics, not at your individual feelings. As far as she was concerned at that moment in time you were sitting in the wrong place.

In the scheme of such a long friendship this needs to be left to settle and become a non event. Friends cock up and inadvertently hurt others. They just do and if you forever continue to hold them to such exacting standards even after a sincere apology this will make you a bad friend, not them.

Do nothing, apart from distance yourself a little and let the passage of time pass. Don’t bother trying to force yourself to get over it, you’ll feel more and more hurt resentful and indignant and you’ll go round in circles. In a years time it’ll all be a little less intense, and you can reassess whether the friendship is likely to be worth the effort for the future.

I wouldn’t be buying any gifts or remembering birthdays though. If your DH doesn’t remember or do anything, then he doesn’t do anything. Why make that your responsibly after what happened?

Has she explained why her DH asked you to be godparent knowing you weren't catholic? I don't understand.

I can see it being upsetting on the day but honestly? You need to let this one go.

Mrs J was inexplicably horrible to you. I understand how you feel. In terms of moving on i'd just try and fake it for the time being, the hurt will fade. Maybe you'll be proper friends again in time. Do not buy any gifts or remind him of dates though. Leave it to him.

OP, you get over it by realising that everyone makes mistakes. Then you forget it ever happened. Just forget about it. Why hold on to a mistake that makes you feel bad? A mistake that threatens a long term friendship. Just let it go, that’s all you can do.

OP if you want to get over this then you need to change the narrative in your head.

So it needs to change from "massive snub, friends don't value me or appreciate me, I have no role in this child's life" to "I was so excited and my friend was rude and hurt my feelings. She has apologised and reassured me I am valued and important".

The more you dwell on the details (the letter, your husband gently holding you as you sob in bed) the harder it will be to get past it.

So the OP was asked to be Godparent then snubbed on the day. In the normal world anyone would be hurt. Only on mn would anyone say "get over it".
This ^^. It sucks. You made a lot of effort thinking you were included & then got pushed away. That would hurt. No idea how you get over it though. Maybe take a step back from the friendship for a bit and see how you feel in a month or so.

I was brought up as catholic , I have never heard of a witness and whilst sometimes there are three godparents, usually it is only two and I assume there was another godmother.

However something went wrong in the communications which was in all probability the Jones’s fault. And being asked to move seats in church, when you were sat there expecting to be godmother was awful.

All that said, I think you might be over estimating the importance of what godparents do. If you want to forge a special and sustaining relationship with this child, they have apologised for poor behaviour on the day and they have already told you to consider yourself godparent, isn’t that enough. I am thinking along the lines of the marriage being more important than the wedding.

The ball is now in your court, you can either choose to be a godmother in practice, regardless of where you sat in church, or you can distance yourself.

Based on your OP I understood from the outset you wouldn’t be a godparent in any formal sense. If you’re not a catholic then you can’t expect a priest in a church to just pretend to spare your feelings. Shame seating wasn’t clearer from the start but it’s clear this is all down to a degree of misunderstanding in your part and a degree of miscommunication on theirs. Not worth falling out over or getting too upset over.

Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork.

You knew from this point onwards you would not be a godparent so why would you sit in the pew for godparents.

OP I think miscommunication but I am from Catholic background (not Catholic anymore) and my godmother is my cousin and my godfather a friend of the family.
It is very common in my country (Catholic) to do this. My cousin's DH had no godfather links to me at all.

It is usually done so you have 2 families should the worst happen but also tradition.

You could not have been godmother if there was a third person who has been asked.

Sorry this was not communicated but in our tradition you would not have played a part in the ceremony and you would not have sat at the front. Sorry

Mr. Jones explained in detail that I would be a witness and my husband and the other godparent were catholic and would be on the paperwork.

But then In the run up to the christening I prepared for the role, read up about being a godparent, read up on catholic traditions, bought thoughtful and personalized gifts, made my own personalized gift, wrote a letter to the godchild, planned potential gifts and activities for the coming years.

Sorry to be direct but you had no role to prepare for. You were not chosen as a godparent because of the religion matter.

And I think it is potentially upsetting to say that you read on traditions and being a godparent, because for some Catholics it does not involve gifts or activities, it is a religious thing and traditional and you tried to take a role that was not yours.

Sorry it sounds harsh but it is their religion, their tradition.

I was raised Catholic

OP I might be from the country you are speaking and if so, yes the rules are strict in terms of paperwork and proving you are Catholic.
There is a lot of tradition attached
I have spoken to my godfather 10 times in my life and never got a birthday call. I love my godmother.
Your relationship to this child will not be affected by this.
It is a traditional thing and nothing personal.

I am Catholic.

A Christian Witness is a Godparent. It's a technical term when a Godparent is not Catholic.

If there is only one Catholic Godparent, the "witness" will be on the Baptism certificate. In fact, they could have chosen to have the OP''s name on the certificate and leave off one of the Catholic Godparents.

This was just a misunderstanding. I can understand you feeling annoyed but I do think you're taking it far too much to heart. It wasn't deliberate albeit the communication from your friends wasn't great. But they've apologised and I thin k you just need to move on.

@Shednik but not in my country and not in any country if you already have 2 Catholic godparents on paper