Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

468 replies

muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 13:41

Aged 38.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 23/10/2018 18:08

The way I look at it is that we don’t ask to be born so why put ourselves under pressure to find meaning and purpose in life?

MemoryOfSleep · 23/10/2018 18:46

Me? I'd see if I could adopt.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 23/10/2018 19:02

What I'm really wondering is why people aren't doing all these things they think they'd do if they were single & without children?

Being single & without children isn't some magic formula to free you up to travel, or be "an artist" or whatever. We are ordinary people with jobs and commitments.

And conversely, a lot of the things that some of you think are tying you down are actually not hampering you having more exciting lives. Maybe you're really just not very exciting people? Most of us are just ordinary, working to get by, whatever our domestic situations.

And - as is often said to women like me (single, childless) if you really wanted to do these things, you'd find a way. (It works both ways).

Gabilan · 23/10/2018 19:29

Being childfree does not automatically give you enormous amounts of energy and ambition, 36 hours in the day, twice as much money as you need and no responsibilities. If you are in your 40s, have children and are tired, I've got news for you - being in your 40s will do that to you, without the children. Sure it may not do it as much, but it will do it.

A lot of it when you're single is still the boring mundane stuff like sorting out the next oil delivery, paying the water rates and doing the shopping and washing up. Sure, you only have to do that for you but it's still dull and needs doing. I'm generally quite happy not having a partner or children but I'm not about to sail around the world whilst simultaneously learning to sing arias and volunteering for Oxfam.

I guess the grass is just greener.

MemoryOfSleep · 23/10/2018 19:35

@shineonharvestmoon, maybe because people don't have enough money or time to do these things? People with kids have far less disposable income and, quite rightly, put their kids first when it comes to spending the income they do have. Or at least they should do, IMHO.

Elvira091 · 23/10/2018 19:40

I think I'd start applying for jobs in countries like Canada or Australia and see where it took me. Or join a dating site to meet a real live cowboy (as in cattle, not builder).

PurpleDaisies · 23/10/2018 19:45

People with kids have far less disposable income and, quite rightly, put their kids first when it comes to spending the income they do have

That’s a sweeping generalisation.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 19:49

People with kids have far less disposable income and, quite rightly, put their kids first when it comes to spending the income they do have
Okay enough from the hallmark channel
Unfortunately I can attest that not all people prioritise their kids emotionally or financially. Ideally all would, but they don't

viccat · 23/10/2018 20:06

I don't have kids and don't plan to. However I'm not all adventurous as a person and a lot of these suggestions would be my idea of hell. I don't want to go on long holidays or do extreme sports...

I do however end up spending more money on things for me that my friends with children mostly can't afford, and I have more freedom day to day to do what I want as I'm not responsible for looking after children.

tierraJ · 23/10/2018 20:30

I'm single & childless & 42 but I dream about having a baby almost every night.

I'm not actually sure what to do if I can't have one!!

I have schizo affective disorder & have been too unwell to have a child or a decent relationship in my 30s.

My psychiatrists don't advise that I have a child alone either so I'm trying to meet a nice man before it's too late....

I only work part time for health reasons & I'm too scared to travel alone as I also have epilepsy.

Your question is a good one OP. Just what DO childless single people do with their lives when they don't have money or a decent career??

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 23/10/2018 21:04

I think I'd start applying for jobs in countries like Canada or Australia and see where it took me

You've clearly never actually emigrated on your own (I have).

As I say, a lot of you are fantasising or making excuses for not being more interesting than run of the mill people.

mrbob · 23/10/2018 21:52

I think I'd start applying for jobs in countries like Canada or Australia and see where it took me

You can do this with kids too!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/10/2018 06:56

Not so easily . Kids get very attached to their homes and surrounding (as do some adults!) . I wouldn’t move overseas

But look it’s very easy to spout advice . Very easy . The happy child free singletons I know have a certain character type that I expect helps a bit . They are easy , personable , intelligent and have strong networks . Life doesn’t bless everyone

And as a PP said even if single you might have family responsibilities

Finding what makes you happy isn’t always easy

Elvira091 · 24/10/2018 08:52

Actually ShineOnHarvestMoon I did emigrate alone - moved to a country outside Europe for 8 years to be with my now dh who was from that country and who I'd met on a work trip two years earlier - but we now have children and moved back here to the UK a few years ago because we felt schooling was better here. Theoretically yes, I could apply for jobs in Australia or Canada now, but I'd have to have the whole family on board and they wouldn't be. Dh is still getting over moving to the UK. He would not be interested in moving again, particularly to either of those countries which are so many hours flight-wise from his home country and his parents.

bananafish81 · 24/10/2018 09:06

There's another thread about involuntary childlessness, and the feeling that one needs to find a higher 'purpose' if you can't have the children you'd hoped for - I found this from one poster exceptionally comforting

"'l'll finally add that I think it's a mistake to feel you need to identify a 'grand' purpose in life. Most humans, whether or not they have children, lead lives which are not of any long-term significance - in 100 years' time, most of us will be forgotten - I see that as a very liberating philosophy. If you can be happy and avoid doing harm to others, that is an achievement in itself."

Jux · 24/10/2018 14:29

By the time I was 34 I had realised I was actually much happier when I was single or in a not-too-serious relationship (ie one which wouldn't last beyond about 6 months). I certainly never wanted children.

I threw in my job and went to Uni. Graduated and got married at about the same time; our dd is now 19.. Life is strange and you never know what's round the corner.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 24/10/2018 18:19

I did emigrate alone - moved to a country outside Europe for 8 years to be with my now dh

Ummm, that's not a definition of "alone" that I recognise from any dictionary Elvira - you emigrated to join a partner: financial, domestic, emotional support. Try doing it without any of that.

It's actually really insulting to suggest to the OP that she just up sticks and move - it assumes she has no connections, no networks, no friendships where she is now.

The level of fantasy coupled with lack of empathy & understanding on this thread is quite astounding.

And why does having children automatically give you a pass to your life having meaning or purpose? As a PP writes above

Most humans, whether or not they have children, lead lives which are not of any long-term significance - in 100 years' time, most of us will be forgotten

At least I know my books will still be in libraries ...

Lizzie48 · 24/10/2018 20:13

To be fair to the posters on this thread, the OP asked what they would do in her circumstances. So they answered the literal question, without considering the emotions involved. They treated it as a hypothetical question, which is why some of the answers have been insensitive (including my own looking back).

New posts on this thread. Refresh page