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Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 21/10/2018 10:07

I generally agree with you Dowager, however that was a little callous. There are risks with every form of contraception and none, including physical, mental and sexual, but to not give a shit about those who suffer those risks doesn't help the overall discourse or informed consent.

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 10:11

Are you going to tell Mousse off as well for it caring about women who've died, Damson?

Honestly, I'm not too concerned about random person on the internet's friend's husband.

I'm sure there are quite a few men out there who've suffered after having a vasectomy.

As I've repeatedly said - I know there are risks. I know. There are also risks associated with women's contraception, pregnancy and childbirth.

EBearhug · 21/10/2018 10:13

this morning he has admitted he doesn’t know enough about it to say for definite he won’t get it done.

That's good progress, because the one thing that struck me through this thread was that he has based hos decision so far on an idea that it sounds so painful, but hasn't actually done any research on what the risks might be - so he is not making an informed decision. Whereas your decisions on hormonal contraceptives, MAP, termination and so on is based on the experience of how it has affected you in the past, the pain you've been through in having the coil removed and so on - which he has also witnessed.

He may still decide not to have a vasectomy, which is his choice, but he should be taking that decision after becoming informed on what the procedure actually involves, what the level of risk is, and being better informed abut the risk of other forms of contraception on you.

Currently, he is dumping it all on you, because he hasn't done any research. I'd have more respect for his decision if it was made after he's put some effort into finding out some facts about it all.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 21/10/2018 10:22

It's not really any more callous than an airy remark from someone that she herself hasn't had a problem with side effects from contraceptive methods, when there are women who have died and been severely disabled because of said side effects. And on a thread started by someone who has experienced negative side effects.

SharpLily · 21/10/2018 10:27

He's doing a better job of trying to appear reasonable, but I'm not buying it

Agreed, although the OP's latest update paints him in a slightly better light. The fact that he was making the decision without even investigating what's involved or speaking to his GP made him look like a really selfish dickhead. If he were to do his research and explain that he was not prepared to accept the risk because of this or that particular reason, and had been the slightest bit apologetic about it then I would have been more understanding. To just say he thinks it would hurt is unacceptable - yeah, because the MAP, termination, side effects from other forms of contraception, pregnancy and childbirth have been so pleasant and comfortable for his wife Hmm.

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 10:31

I take a very particular stance on vasectomy threads. I'm not here to placate or sugar-coat. I'll leave that to other, more patient posters.

I'm here to question and judge men who won't do it.

Men who opt out, force women to opt in.

Men who refuse, remove women's bodily autonomy.

And the men who willingly step up completely show up those who refuse.

Moussemoose · 21/10/2018 10:33

Yeah what she said.......... @TheDowagerCuntess

Belindabauer · 21/10/2018 11:57

I'm laughing at the posters who think no piv equals no sex. Really?

DamsonGin · 21/10/2018 12:21

Don't be fucking callous anyone, it helps no-one.

Jux · 21/10/2018 12:35

Rosered1235 if you had bothered to at least read the OP's posts then your 'Ifs' would be irrelevant as you would know that those matters have been answered. You would see that those ifs do not apply. That would have saved you, to some extent, from typing out a load of irrelevant silliness. You would already know that saying (and therefore accepts the risk of failure) is already answered, for instance. Guess what, HE ISN'T.

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 12:52

@Belindabauer and I'm laughing at you that you'd be happy to live for ever with no PIV sex, s varied sex life is great but no PIV ever 😂 but myself and OH love that Amongst many other things and wouldn't be prepared to give it up. But I'd laugh at any could that would go to those lengths rather than accept a straightforward procedure to avoid the extremities of no PIV!

LeftRightCentre · 21/10/2018 12:58

My friends husband has been left permanently disabled due to his vasectomy.

And? Women still die in childbirth in the UK, so no one should get pregnant, because getting pregnant isn't necessary for anyone, either, in fact you don't even need sex to live.

What a useless statement.

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 13:09

My friends husband has been left permanently disabled due to his vasectomy.

And a rare occurrence, my friends husband died driving, everyone stop driving?

Belindabauer · 21/10/2018 14:02

son my dp had a vasectomy before I met him. He had one because his ex wife asked him too. He didn't particularly want one but he did it because he i bed his ex wife. He's a real man though and put his family first.

Belindabauer · 21/10/2018 14:08

Oh and I didn't say I'd be happy to live without a varied sex life. I said I would refuse to have piv sex with someone who didn't take full responsibility to stop having children when it was them, and only them, who didn't want a child.
I, like most women, do not orgasm through piv sex, so I like other things as well but that's another thread!

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 14:12

Mine had a vasectomy also, because he's a real man and enjoyed sex we have, married 32 years and still going strong. If I suppose he knew he was with his life partner and also had anything happened to me was sure he didn't want more children. Pearly your husband wasn't sure he didn't want any more children so shouldn't have had it. The point here is the OPs husband doesn't want more children so he should sort it.

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 14:13

@Belindabauer I just didn't get why you were laughing at peo0le! Seemed odd
,

HelenaDove · 21/10/2018 15:33

speakout Sun 21-Oct-18 07:56:55

"My friends husband has been left permanently disabled due to his vasectomy."

I bet your friend hasnt left him though.

In 1992/93 I was working at a day centre for disabled people. One of the women who attended the centre was brain damaged. She dribbled and had to carry a hankie all the time because of it and could not talk She also walked with a very bad limp.

These disabilities were caused by her being overdosed with anasthetic during a Cesarean section.

Husband buggered off afterwards leaving her and the kid.

HelenaDove · 21/10/2018 15:50

@sonandhelpneeded Some of us are living without due to having disabled spouses. So the laughing smiley might come across as a tad insensitive. Just saying.

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 15:53

@HelenaDove sorry to hear that but, I was referring to a PP talking about no PIV because a man is scared of a vasectomy. It was not aimed at people with disabled partners, nor is it aimed at people who through illness/injury cannot have any form of sex life.

Belindabauer · 21/10/2018 15:57

Nobody can be absolutely certain of anything can they.
I'm quite sure if I had met my dp earlier in life then yes I may well have wanted a child with him. However his ex wife insisted he had the operation and so he did. Neither of them wanted any more children and he obviously thought his marriage would last.
When I was married i told my h I wanted another child and so would not be using contraception. If he didn't want a child then he could sort out contraception.

LeftRightCentre · 21/10/2018 15:57

I'm laughing at the posters who think no piv equals no sex. Really?

Yep, really. Plenty of us orgasm through intercourse, even multiple times. I do, and can also experience double orgasm during sex. It's fabulous. I love PIV sex and to me it's not the same without it. Sorry it's so shit for you and you can't cum through PIV sex. That's a pity.

Belindabauer · 21/10/2018 16:04

Don't feel sorry for me left, since getting divorced my sex life is great!
Seriously.

My ex h did get lazy and so couldn't be bothered if it didn't involve piv and he made sure it was all my fault too. But you know since being with other partners I've discovered the truth and that other men can make it good for me and do the things I like.
I'm very happy .
Wasn't always this happy though.
Just don't want other posters to be brainwashed into thinking it's all about the man's enjoyment when it should be mutually pleasurable.

HelenaDove · 21/10/2018 16:30

"His wife was 42 when he had it - so at the end of her fertile years anyway, such an unnecessary procedure."

Assumptions like these are the reason why the abortion rate is higher in the 40+ age group than it is in the 16 to 25s If you are still having periods you can still get pregnant.

HairyStorm · 21/10/2018 17:29

OP you questioned earlier today whether the outcome of vasectomy is worth the risk. The answer to that differs for you and your husband - for him the risk is not worth it because he knows there are alternatives that present no risk to him. He doesn't seem to be understanding that this is because all the risk is being passed on to you.

If he doesn't get the snip, think about the outcome. You will resent him for prioritising his own orgasms; your sex life will continue to suffer; and sooner or later you may have to go through the physical and mental unpleasantness of MAP or abortion. It's clear the third of these consequences doesn't bother him as much as it should, but what about the first two?

Yes, vasectomy carries risks. So does pregnancy, so does abortion. You've shouldered your share of risk already. The two of you are supposed to be a team, to share burdens as well as joys. When does he propose carrying his share of the reproductive risk?