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Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 23/10/2018 18:37

And to be frank, I firmly believe that any woman who 'strongly disagrees' with my stance on this issue does so because she's shackled to a vasectomy-dodger. Or is a misogynist that thinks contraception should be purely down to women.

Given that a happy, solid, mutually respectful, loving marriage (or long-term partnership) is built on teamwork, as flora says, there can be no other reason to 'strongly disagree' with my position. Which is that men should be expected (willing) to step up to the plate here.

StoppinBy · 23/10/2018 23:51

BoldBumpityBump, I am well aware of the implications of him not wanting to undergo a Vasectomy as my hubby and I were in the same boat, I cannot use contraception apart from condoms/diaphragm etc and know that they are not risk free but if you read other posts from the OP she has talked to him and he agrees that if they were to fall pregnant he would just have to accept that they were meant to have another baby.

In saying that the only realistic option is for him to have a vasectomy you are indeed suggesting that he must do it. There are very real risks that come with vasectomies and while the risk is very low I would not want to be the one solely responsible for forcing the hand of my partner then having him deal with that if he was one of the minority with ongoing issues.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/10/2018 00:08

I would not want to be the one solely responsible for forcing the hand of my partner then having him deal with that if he was one of the minority with ongoing issues.

That's very kind, considerate and loving of you, StoppinBy.

Some of us expect men to show that exact same kindness and consideration.

When the man opts out, he forces the woman to opt in. And she is far more likely to risk ongoing issues.

ferrier · 24/10/2018 00:12

And to be frank, I firmly believe that any woman who 'strongly disagrees' with my stance on this issue does so because she's shackled to a vasectomy-dodger

Actually the complete opposite. My husband has had a vasectomy against my wishes. It destroyed our sex life.

StoppinBy · 24/10/2018 00:43

@thedowagercuntess you are wrong, it is neither kind, considerate or loving to step back and not try to force a medical procedure on another person. It is the only thing you can do unless you want to be solely responsible should something go wrong.

It probably would have meant a very limited sex life for us as I was sick of 'being sick' trying to sort out contraception but it was still not my place to try to force him in to it.

StoppinBy · 24/10/2018 00:45

Also don't get me wrong, I did have to twist his arm to get him to go and see the vasectomy clinic to get further information about the risks/benefits/failure rates/how the actual procedure was carried out but the final decision was not mine to make.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/10/2018 02:43

Ferrier - I am very sorry to hear that. Truly.

But it doesn't alter my position, which is that women shouldn't be expected to carry 100% of the risk load, so as to ensure that men face 0% risk.

We will have to agree to disagree.

StoppinBy - you miss my point. You don't want to force a husband or partner's hand, but seem to see no issue in the husband forcing their wife's hand, then having their wife deal with that if they were one of the minority with ongoing issues (in your words).

Again - men wanting/expecting zero risk, forcing women to take all the risk.

StoppinBy · 24/10/2018 03:32

You think I miss your point but I don't, OP is not against having a third baby in this instance and her partner has agreed that were they to fall pregnant he would accept the third baby so in the meantime he supplies the condoms and if they fall pregnant they have a third child. She has made it very clear that she wont be terminating or making the MAP a fallback to condom failure.

In my case, neither of us wanted a third at any stage so it would have meant a very limited sex life for us.... hubby chose the vasectomy. If my hubby had not wanted to get the Vasectomy I wouldn't have been going under the knife to get sterilised and he sure wouldn't have expected me to.

In other peoples lives each partner must make a decision that work for them... perhaps in some cases the female partner would be ok with taking the risks of sterilisation herself, some couples might agree that tracking cycles is good enough for them and in another relationship one partner might decide that the male partner is responsible for ensuring they always have condoms on hand (by the way condoms have a very high success rate when used properly and stored properly 100% of the time but nothing - including a vasectomy - is 100% successful 100% of the time).

Just because it is the most convenient option doesn't make it the right one for all people and all couples.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/10/2018 04:03

All of those alternative suggestions still entail the women carrying the entire risk load.

Some women may be happy with this, and that's up to them - I'm just here on this thread to judge the men as seriously deficient in those scenarios.

The issue with condoms is that they're often not used properly. When we were using them before children, the first thing my GP said to me when I said this was our (only) method of contraception was, 'I assume you're open to having children then?'

In theory, they are effective enough; in practice, not so much - especially for long term couples who can apparently sometimes be a bit lax when it comes to using them effectively.

When men opt out, they force women to opt in.

StoppinBy · 24/10/2018 04:47

Unfair as it is unfortunately at this point in time the only options available for men are condoms, vasectomy and abstinence.

They are working on an implant style contraceptive for men that works to block the sperm from entering semen but otherwise I am not aware of anything else so currently the man can choose condoms or sterilisation if he is taking control of contraception...…

Vasectomy (sterilisation) IMO is only a solution if both partners are done having children in case the one who didn't want another child changes their mind down the track...….

so in the case of couples who are choosing to delay a second child they only have either female based contraceptives or condoms.....

unless you have something else that I don't know about?

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/10/2018 04:57

Obviously sterilisation is only an option for couples done having children, that's a given.

Although clearly some vasectomy-dodgers use the excuse of 'I might want to replace my DC, when I get a replacement wife' to do their dodging.

Bumpitybumper · 24/10/2018 05:08

@StoppinBy
OP's partner has only very reluctantly said that he would accept that a third pregnancy will be continued and this is only to get OP off his back about getting a vasectomy. Personally I would not define a child that has been conceived in such circumstances as actuy being"wanted" by both parents and it is clearly an unsustainable situation as what happens if OP falls pregnant for a fourth, fifth time etc?

Personally I think OP would be taking a huge risk with her relationship if she was to have a third child. The child could have additional needs, be a horrendous sleeper or have a difficult temperament. If OP's partner is pretty adamant that he doesn't want another child to begin with these things can make an already difficult situation intolerable.

In saying that the only realistic option is for him to have a vasectomy you are indeed suggesting that he must do it
I'm suggesting that if he doesn't want to abstain from sex and he doesn't genuinely want more children this is the only realistic, sensible option. The same way that I would say to OP that if she wants a third child then she and not her partner will have to carry the baby and give birth to it. Biology dictates the best and sometimes only path to achieve the outcome one chooses. This isn't the same as removing people's bodily autonomy.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/10/2018 07:30

Morning everyone,

He did ring yesterday but the my only had appointments available during the day which don’t work for him as he’s at work. They do have appointment slots bwtween 5-6pm which he could make so he’s going to ring again this morning and see if he can get one of those appointment times tonight.

OP posts:
Arefriendselectric · 24/10/2018 10:03

A vasectomy outcomes piece from the guardian:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jul/13/life-in-sex-erectile-dysfunction-confidence-vasectomy-patient

Arefriendselectric · 24/10/2018 10:05

A vasectomy outcomes piece from the Mail

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2708918/Thinking-having-snip-Read-mans-excruciating-story-first.html

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/10/2018 10:10

As has been said....

Maybe there should be lots of links to articles about horror stories of pregnancies and the long term damage and injuries they cause women? And I doubt many men potentially risk their life when they have vasectomies....

All research aside, let’s not pretend the potential risks of having a vasectomy even come close to the risks to women when it comes to potential complications of pregnancy and labour.

OP posts:
Arefriendselectric · 24/10/2018 10:12

I would think about splitting the contraceptive burden by combining condoms with another method to get a similar level of protection to vasectomy also.

Arefriendselectric · 24/10/2018 10:18

I guess as long as your husband is shown the risks and they are discussed fully and openly as a couple, outside the quick gloss over at best he may recieve from the GP, you would both be proceeding in a well informed manner.

FieryGhoulie · 24/10/2018 10:23

The ball's in his corner. I had really bad side effects with the Mirina too and had it removed (although the insertion and extraction were no problem).

I told my husband, if I got pregnant, I would keep a baby, so it was down to him and he respected that. He had the snip and it was absolutely fine.

Ironically, 2 years later I had to have a hysterectomy.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/10/2018 10:27

I’m hoping the GP will refer us to someone who is more knowledgable about the risks before my husband has to commit to having it done. I want him to have it done but we both need to be aware of all the facts really.

OP posts:
Arefriendselectric · 24/10/2018 10:35

Thats fair enough, please do both look at and discuss the risks, and also advise your husband to ask about those in any consultations, and to also read up on and be comfortable with those for himself.

If you proceed I really hope that it does work out for you both.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/10/2018 10:37

He’s seeing the GP
at 5.40 tonight. Hopefully he will get referred to Urology and I will try and go with him to that appointment so we both get the same information.

OP posts:
sonandhelpneeded · 24/10/2018 11:16

@@Arefriendselectric all those horror posts can be matched by similar if not more pregnancy ones! Statistics are relevant here.

SharpLily · 24/10/2018 11:59

*he agrees that if they were to fall pregnant he would just have to accept that they were meant to have another baby.

There are very real risks that come with vasectomies and while the risk is very low I would not want to be the one solely responsible for forcing the hand of my partner then having him deal with that if he was one of the minority with ongoing issues.*

So it's not OK for a man to have to deal with the up to 10% risk that there could be complications from his vasectomy, but it's OK for the woman to deal with the far higher than 10% risk of complications from pregnancy and birth should an accident happen? Hmm Can you really not see what's wrong with what you've written there?