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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 21/10/2018 18:04

How can the same poster claim to have been sexually active and fertile for 38 years (which must be roughly age 16-52?) and refer to 42 as the end of another woman's reproductive life meaning its a waste that her husband had a vasectomy when she was 42?

Those two statements contradict one another wildly.

HelenaDove · 21/10/2018 18:53

" Unlike sex, which was invented nine years earlier, the vasectomy was born, journalistically speaking, in 1972. Forty six years ago the first UK edition of Cosmopolitan revealed that a hot young chat show host called Michael Parkinson had had a vasectomy. The headline called it “the most beautiful thing a man can do for a woman”. The magazine sold out by lunchtime"

Jux · 21/10/2018 19:01

I take a very particular stance on vasectomy threads. I'm not here to placate or sugar-coat. I'll leave that to other, more patient posters.

I'm here to question and judge men who won't do it.

Men who opt out, force women to opt in.

Men who refuse, remove women's bodily autonomy.

And the men who willingly step up completely show up those who refuse.

What TheDowagerCountess said ^^

speakout · 21/10/2018 19:09

blueskiesandforests

Because the woman in question went through the menopause aged 45.

Giving the benefit of her OHs vasectomy 3 years.

No contradiction.

LeftRightCentre · 21/10/2018 19:16

So what, speakout. Some people die in childbirth, so no one should get pregnant? Some people die driving, so let's ban cars? Your comments are a propos of nothing pertaining to the OP.

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 19:17

Again, Speakout - with all due respect - so what?

What has this go to do with anyone, least of all the OP?

blueskiesandforests · 21/10/2018 19:46

speakout and you think the couple should have consulted an oracle and predicted menopause at 45 before making contraceptive choices? Menopause happens between 48 and 55 for most women.

45 is still 3-4 full term pregnancies on from 42 ...

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 20:26

@speakout ..... what is your point? You must realise that it's still an extremely rare event and for you to blame the wife is all manners of wrong!

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 20:34

@Belindabauer sorry your ex was shit and lazy in bed and only wanted PIV, but just to clarify lots of women MASSIVELY enjoy PIV. Because you don't, please don't laugh at couples who enjoy it! You're very narrow minded when it comes to sex, sad but maybe the wrong choice of sexual partners?

To say "I'm laughing at people who think no PIV means no sex" is so strange...

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/10/2018 21:27

So my husband has spoken to his friend this evening and has now said he will make an appointment with the doctor to discuss it. He said he still didn’t know if he could do it but that he was willing to look into it. Apparently his friend hadn’t had any problems and had said how much life was easier now that he and his wife didn’t have to worry about pregnancy. His friend had said it was like a weight off his shoulders.

At the end of the day I want to have a great, care free sex life where I don’t have to worry about ‘what’s ifs’ and worry about condoms and period tracking etc. Maybe that makes me sound selfish but I just want us to have a sex life that is free from anxieties and just one we can enjoy.

I did say that to my husband tonight and said that I want to put our reproduction days behind us, to be able to remove all the stress and angst of ‘mishaps’ from the equation and simply have a happy sex life where we don’t have to worry about pregnancies.

So hopefully this is another step forwards and he will realise what the answer is and do it.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 21/10/2018 21:34

Wanting a carefree sex life is not selfish.

Sex in a carefree relaxed way massively improves our relationship. I don't know if that makes us shallow but we love each other and love being physical. Post vasectomy we have a carefree close, hassle free sex life. We are happier and therefore closer.

I'll say it again post vasectomy sex is brilliant.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2018 21:38

Sounds like a positive visit and progress has been made. Fingers crossed for the GP appointment.

Tomatoesrock · 21/10/2018 21:44

My Dsis DH openly said to her, what if we split and I want another with someone else Shock

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/10/2018 22:05

My Dsis DH openly said to her, what if we split and I want another with someone else?

A valid point I guess even if not made very well Grin

My dad had a vasectomy after me and my sister were born but after 5 years of marriage my parents parted and eventually divorced.

My dad was only 29-30 years old at that point and I know that on two occasions he’s had relationships fail/come to an end because his partners wanted their own children.

When he was early 40s he was very much in love with a woman who was early 30s and he was honest from the start about his vasectomy and he said it was fine, she didn’t even know if she wanted children anyway. Fast forward 3 years and she realised she did want children and ended the relationship - my dad was defeststed. He spoke to me about it and said he was even considering getting it reversed if it meant he could keep her but the reality was that he was mid 40s, the chance of a reversal working were minimal and he would be doing it for the wrong reasons. It took him a very long time to get over losing her.

OP posts:
Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 22:49

/so a man's potential to have a second chance comes before a woman having undergone all of the physical sacrifices for their family!

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 23:09

Queen - I can see how that might make you more sympathetic than, say, me. Grin

However, that's not the case with your DH, who it seems, wasn't really all that keen on going for DC2, and is now adamant he doesn't want any more.

No more children is his wish.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/10/2018 23:36

I think my dad had it done following my ‘happy accident’ arrival Grin

My mum was pregnant with me 11 weeks after giving birth to my sister Shock Grin

I know my husband definitely doesn’t want more children. I did ask him what would happen though if I passed away and he met someone else and he may want to start a family with her and he said absolutely no way because he is “done”.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 23:54

In that case, there is no question that he needs to take at least some responsibility to ensure that.

Condoms are not the answer here - not even close - and it just seems beyond incredible to me that he can be SO adamant about this decision, while throwing his hands up, and expecting you to sort it out.

It's not the actions of an adult (it really isn't), and it's certainly not the actions of a loving partner.

ferrier · 22/10/2018 01:09

No matter his words there is a finality about having a vasectomy. No man should feel guilt tripped into having one, just as no woman should be guilt tripped into taking any form of contraception or having an abortion.
Any decisions should be made together and with respect for the others viewpoints, however unable they are to articulate them. There is very clearly something that bothers op's dh and it's probably not so simple as 'it might hurt'.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/10/2018 01:19

I'm assuming you have many RTFT, ferrier.

There is nothing bothering the OP's DH, beyond ignorance.

He's now looking into it, just as he should.

This is his wish for no more, his jizz causing the issue, his responsibility.

Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 08:35

I just went on the internet and there are plenty of scary horror stories (I suspect most aren't true) allegedly by women who have either changed their mind or lost sexual interest in their husbands following a mutually agreed vasectomy. With crap like that floating about no wonder some men are unsure!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/10/2018 08:39

Don’t get me wrong, I will be upset when he has it done (if he has it done) because I know then that the door is really shut regarding having a 3rd baby but I will still know it’s the right thing to do.

That’s interesting that women lose interest in sex, I wonder why that is?!

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 22/10/2018 08:44

Hi OP

I'm not sure I believe it. It could just be trolling imho or by men who have had unrelated issues that they have blamed the snip on.

All I would say is that if he goes and has it done as mutually agreed, please try and shield him from the sadness and don't hold it against him. You will need to find someone else who can emotionally support you (if required) afterwards as I expect your DH wouldn't probably be very confused.

theyipps · 22/10/2018 08:52

The men's health forum have a good post vasectomy issues article here :

www.menshealthforum.org.uk/vasectomy-kick-balls

It's worth reading to go in with your eyes fully open.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/10/2018 08:58

Thanks. Another article telling us vasectomy comes with a level of risk.

We know!

We know, we know, we know.

And the men who willing offer to go for one also know. And big, fat go ahead and do it anyway - knowing the risk.