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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
Cucciolo · 22/10/2018 08:59

sorry your ex was shit and lazy in bed and only wanted PIV, but just to clarify lots of women MASSIVELY enjoy PIV. Because you don't, please don't laugh at couples who enjoy it! You're very narrow minded when it comes to sex, sad but maybe the wrong choice of sexual partners?

To say "I'm laughing at people who think no PIV means no sex" is so strange...

I can't come from PIV either. Only masturbation. The fact remains that oral sex etc is a thing. How do gay men and lesbians have sex without PIV? Saying that no PIV-sex means no sex implies that other frons of sex aren't sex.

Cucciolo · 22/10/2018 09:01

You're very narrow minded when it comes to sex it's narrow-minded to think that PIV is the only sex there is. It's not. Maybe it's the sex that you prefer but it's not everything.

sonandhelpneeded · 22/10/2018 09:07

@Cucciolo the OP and her husband have not had sex for months due to contraception worries, I think it's pretty clear that no matter what others think, to them PIV is important.

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 22/10/2018 09:10

I had the same discussion with my husband. After our 11lb baby who made a bit of a mess on the way out.

He refused to even consider vasectomy, and won't use condoms. Baby is 2 now and the last time we had sex was his conception!

I can be stubborn too.

sonandhelpneeded · 22/10/2018 09:12

@AnneWiddecombesHandbag that's just awful! Is it not a detrimental affect on your marriage?

sonandhelpneeded · 22/10/2018 09:13

@AnneWiddecombesHandbag although if you had no sex during pregnancy I'm guessing your sex drives are low anyway?

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 22/10/2018 09:16

No it doesn't. He works ridiculously long hours so is always too tired. I've always had a low sex drive anyway plus the 2 year old has never slept through the night so that kind of puts a dampener on things.

Maybe in a few years when things are different we might want to take contraceptive action but if he won't even wear a condom them why should I risk a pregnancy I don't want?

sonandhelpneeded · 22/10/2018 09:26

@AnneWiddecombesHandbag I totally agree! What's the big deal with a condom for gods sake?

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 22/10/2018 09:33

Who knows!!

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/10/2018 09:41

AnneW's husband proving - yet again - that men who won't have a vasectomy are deficient in pretty much every way.

Sorry Anne, you deserve so much better Thanks

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 22/10/2018 09:55

He does excel in cutting off his nose to spite his face though!

busybarbara · 22/10/2018 11:25

No it doesn't. He works ridiculously long hours so is always too tired. I've always had a low sex drive anyway

Of course if neither person wants to have sex then it's totally fine to live that way, it's not necessarily deficient or a problem. Neither me or DH ever want to go to the pub but I don't feel like we're missing out

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2018 21:25

A good reminder to me to flag to dh that I expect him to look at a vasectomy once we are definitely done having our lot. Z

StoppinBy · 23/10/2018 05:56

To the OP, you are right to push him to get further information, to encourage him to talk to others about their personal experiences etc, however I don't agree that any person has the right to force another person to undergo surgery and should my hubby have refused after doing the above then I would have had to respect that.

I think if he looks in to it he will likely not be as scared of the Vasectomy as he is now. Fear of pain of the procedure is not a good enough reason to avoid the surgery IMO but fear of long term repurcussions is a good enough reason if he looks in to it with an open mind and still decides against it.

People saying a person is weak for deciding he doesn't want the operation seem to me to be quite bitter about something and I wouldn't value that idea too highly.

Also I tracked my cycle for quite a number of years but it was always stressful in case my period came late etc and as for using condoms..... we both found it to be a PITA to be honest.

Bumpitybumper · 23/10/2018 07:03

@StoppinBy
I don't think anyone is suggesting that OP forces her partner to have a vasectomy as not only would that be morally wrong but also incredibly difficult to do in reality.

You say:
fear of long term repurcussions is a good enough reason if he looks in to it with an open mind and still decides against it
But if OP looks into the long term repercussions of using condoms (not very effective), MAP and termination and decides that she is not willing to shoulder the risks associated with these things then presumably they either agree to abstain completely from sex or have reached a stalemate?

Lots of people are risk adverse and reluctant to elect for procedures that have potentially bad, long term side effects. However equally, often the decision to opt for these procedures is made in order to avoid a worse set of risks or symptoms. Here OP is asking her DP to have a procedure as she honestly believes that the other available alternatives could lead to far worse outcomes.

I wonder if it was OP's partner who was the one that would fall pregnant in the event of a contraception failure and have to deal with the consequences whether he would be so reluctant to have a vasectomy. Frankly I think that he would be down the doctor's office ASAP.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/10/2018 07:07

The doctor’s phone line opens at 8am and he said he’s going to ring and try and get an appointment today. We shall see if it materialises....

OP posts:
EBearhug · 23/10/2018 08:15

In my experience, even if he starts ringing at 8am, a doctor's appointment might not materialise that quickly. I think the last non-emergency appointment I had, I had to wait 3 weeks for.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/10/2018 09:22

Our GP surgery is just a book on the day service. You just call up and ask for an appointment, they don’t ask what it’s for or if it’s an emergency. As far as I’m aware they don’t even allow people to make future bookings - I’m may be wrong about that though.

OP posts:
Pebblesandfriends · 23/10/2018 09:29

Tell him that if he doesn't want kids contraception is his responsibility but that he will have to live with any 'happy accidents'

C0untDucku1a · 23/10/2018 11:03

Did he phone?

ferrier · 23/10/2018 14:59

I'm assuming you have many RTFT, ferrier.
There is nothing bothering the OP's DH, beyond ignorance.

Yes I have thank you Countess. I just happen to strongly disagree with your position on this issue. It is allowed you know.

DustyBin7 · 23/10/2018 16:47

Some info on possible vasectomy complications

www.reddit.com/r/postvasectomypain

sonandhelpneeded · 23/10/2018 17:13

Some info on possible pregnancy complications

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/5uo9dz/thetruthhaboutpregnancy/

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/10/2018 18:02

My stance on vasectomy has nothing to do with the the fact that the only thing bothering the OP's DH is complete ignorance.

He's now looking into it - as he should - so there isn't 'very clearly something bothering him'.

florafawna · 23/10/2018 18:06

Teamwork makes marriage good.