SIL expecting too much of me

[Snowymountainsalways]

I would appreciate any view you have on this situation.

When I married dh many years ago, his parents had fallen out with with dh's brother and family and no one spoke for the best part of ten years.

As a result I did not develop any kind of relationship with estranged BIL or family as we never saw them. Every family occasion BIL and family would choose not to come, as they could not bear to be in the same room as my PIL. It was difficult, weddings, christenings etc all very stressful because we would invite them and they would not come, or on the odd occasion they did come they would create such an awful atmosphere everyone was relieved to go home.

Estranged BIL and SIL have never even sent a christmas card to us much less presents for my children, despite me always sending presents for birthdays and christmases for all four of their children. It irritated me over the years that neither of them (or the children for that matter) even once say thank you, but it was my choice to do this as I felt it was right thing to do at the time. Dh has another brother and wife whom we are very close to, they too have struggled with all of this as well. PIL have since died.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago and estranged BIL died quite out of the blue in a serious car accident. We paid our respects and helped with funeral arrangements and my dh who is in the legal profession helped my SIL with all the legalities etc. All fine. We called and supported her as much as we could. We live a long way away.

However now my SIL is getting increasingly very angry with us because we are not meeting up with her and the children regularly (children are all adults 25+) she feels we need to be 'there' for her, to organise christmases, birthdays, easter and all other family occasions for them. I would like to support her, but because she is virtual stranger to me and lives 200 hundred miles away. I don't want to be railroaded into this all the time, I have a job, children and life of my own and can not drop everything to accommodate her demands. I don't actually even like her if I am honest.

I have spoken to my other BIL and SIL and they live much closer to her and are having same problem. My estranged SIL has become so demanding with both of us, she doesn't have many (any) friends and now her parents now have a holiday house overseas and are never around (they used to live over the road) so now it appears that many people around her have dried up.

I don't want a close relationship with her. I can't be the back stop for all of her pain and anger. She is furious her husband has died and she needs to sell her house. I have serious health problems (which she ignores) and all she does is talk about herself endlessly and it is so draining on every level. This is the same person that couldn't even bring herself to send me a christmas card for the past god knows how many years.

This christmas my BIL and SIL are coming to us over christmas (it is our turn), and I am under pressure to invite the estranged SIL and I really don't want to. I don't want to be unkind but the atmosphere is still so toxic between everyone, there is this weird tension still. No doubt she will be angry and she never holds back telling us all no one has done enough for her. I just can't face it. What would you do?

Block her number. Tell dh to practice the mn phrase of 'sorry that doesn't work for us.'
You aren't her secretary /event coordinator /friend.

What goes around comes around. I sympathise with her being widowed, and if she has to sell her house then that's awfully sad, but you can't treat people badly (or indifferently) and then expect those same people to ride to your rescue.

She won't talk to my dh about anything other than legal matters, he has tried to talk to her about her expectations etc, but she shuts him down pretty quickly.

If I were to block her is that not extremely unkind given she is now a widow? Don't get me wrong, I would be happy if I never saw her again, she has been so horrible to me.

Family only matters to her when she wants something.

Having no dh isn't an excuse to hijack someone else's life imo. She can presumably try to make friends where she lives if she wishes. Why should her wishes to be in your life override yours to not?

You have no obligation to this family. You have done more than enough already. Leave it to your OH to deal with her. Keep the contact to only what you have previously had

I guess because my BIL died I feel so bad for her, I can completely understand how devastating this is for her.

She says we are her family and should be doing everything for her, and she is constantly very vocally outraged because we haven't been doing enough. She has sent some really spiteful texts, and seems not so much submerged in grief but outrightly venomous.

I don't know her well enough to know if she is usually like this or not, but I would never ever choose to have someone like this in my life.

It all sounds exhausting. You cannot be her emotional punchbag. We have a difficult relative on DH’s side who I envisage will be in a similar situation in the not too distant future. I have already explained to DH that under no circumstances will I take any responsibility for entertaining and supporting this relative after the dismissive and horrible way they have treated me over the last twenty years. They can reap what they sowed as far as I’m concerned.

Do not invite toxic SIL for Xmas, she can spend it with her own children.

She has sent some really spiteful texts, and seems not so much submerged in grief but outrightly venomous

She sounds awful. And she is no direct relation to you AND chose to estrange herself for many years. Feel no guilt.

I wouldn't invite her. If she asks you directly I would say that you are happy with the distant relationship you have established over the years (ie, not much of one but don't say that!) and wish to keep it that way/don't want to change the current setup. If she gets pushy, politely point out that as she never contacted you at any Christmas previously, your plans are already made/well established.

Don't forget that your in-laws felt fine about declining invitations previously, so it's fine not to offer them or decline their suggestions now. No need for you to 'impose' on their traditions or whatever they have been doing for the past 20 years

Teacherlikemisstrunchball Be prepared is all I can say, maybe the anger is part of the bereavement but that is just how she is being. You are right to keep your distance if she has already been horrible to you.

I was raised to believe we should always be there for family, so I am at odds with my own values. I would normally do whatever I could for someone in this situation, but not at any cost.

SIL does have her own adult children to spend christmas with, and does not 'need' us as such, but she has decided she now wants a family and we must include her in everything. I don't see why I should though.

Yes I agree we definitely reap what we sow in life.

I sympathise for her loss but she isn’t on her own with small children, why on earth does she need you to organise things for her?

Surely she would want to be with her adult children at the first Christmas after her their Dad’s death rather than with people she doesn’t know?

I would not invite someone who sent me nasty texts to Christmas dinner.

I might arrange to travel to visit them in their home town at some point near Christmas.

Her children are adults! They can host her or go home to her. Yanbu you are a reasonable person and you’re trying to find a way to make her one too, but she isn’t. She needs to build a support structure where she is. At 200 miles it’s far fetched to think there’s that much you can do.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head what I feel is guilt.

Guilt for not wanting to put myself through being with her and having this family forced onto me., If she was a nicer person it would be a different story but she is actually awful to me, and always has been.

Please don’t feel guilty, you have no obligation to this person. Why can’t she spend Christmas with her grown up children? What has happened to her regarding being widowed is truly awful, but it does not give her any excuse to behave the way she is doing.

she is actually awful to me, and always has been

I think that’s your answer then.

Be kind but don’t be a doormat.

They are incredibly wealthy and she is very used to getting what she wants and things organised for her. She has very high expectations of everyone around her not just me.

Thank you for making me feel better by not inviting her this year (or any other if I can help it) I have been worrying about it for months. My dc are still young and I want it to be a nice christmas for them, not one full of anger and tension.

She sounds vile. I appreciate she has lost her husband. It sounds awful for her. But despite ignoring you for many years NOW she needs you she expects you to be at her beck and call?!

She knows you are nice and feel a duty and obligation as a relative. But where’s her duty of care towards you? You’re ill. She doesn’t give a shit. Your kids. She doesn’t give a shit.

Stop feeling sorry for her. You are under no obligation to her. If a friend came to you with this problem what would you say?

I struggle not to be a doormat, I find it very hard sometimes to set boundaries but I am working on it. And feel better with the help and strength of MN and all of you. Thank you.

She has four grown up children - she has plenty of family.

This is her anger manifesting itself, whether from grief or from her personality but either way you owe her nothing. You have already done everything that would be expected of you. Don't engage. Don't invite her for christmas. Don't respond to the venomous texts. Don't even read them.

I can see why your PIL were estranged from them.

If she was a lovely person who enriched your life in many ways then I would say ‘make the effort!’ But this is a person who is actively nasty To you! It is not your fault she is widowed in tragic circumstances, it is not her fault either. But what is her fault is not nurturing positive relationships whilst she had the chance. Relationships are like bank accounts, you cannot just continually withdraw and never make any deposits. She accepted presents/cards/overtures of friendship for YEARS with no reciprocal feelings or warmth. Now, she wants more from you? No no no, not how it works.

You have a choice. Ignore any guilt you may feel (she's never felt any) or be a doormat.

I know which I'd choose.

Also, have you ever heard from her adult children? Do they want a relationship?

If any of my friends asked me what to do with this, I would find the solution very easy and tell them they are busy this christmas, but would love to see her on some ill defined date in the new year.

I know this! I do! BUT applying this to real life is much much harder. Esp with someone like this.

You have no obligation to her. It was her choice to remain NC until her husband died - she could have reached out by herself.

I have the same situation with my step-nan unfortunately. Yes, I feel guilty that I don't contact her as much as I probably should do, but I just don't have that relationship with her. My grandfather was NC with my Mum over a ridiculous misunderstanding for years and she blindly supported that.

Plus, she sounds horrible anyway and very rude.

I know op

I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad! Just make you see you’re not being at all unreasonable. No one in their right mind would say - oh yes invite the anger bitter woman who is mean to you and ruin your children’s Christmas!

You’re not a doormat. You’re lovely. And she can sense that and knows you feel guilty about not inviting her.

I’d be cutting contact personally. Life’s too short. (But I totally appreciate it’s one thing me writing that on the internet and actually doing it!)

You don't owe her anything, there is not one element of your relationship that is positive and she shouldn't ruin your and your families Christmas. She has adult children, they can help support her. You have done more than enough now, time to cut contact