SIL expecting too much of me

[Snowymountainsalways]

I would appreciate any view you have on this situation.

When I married dh many years ago, his parents had fallen out with with dh's brother and family and no one spoke for the best part of ten years.

As a result I did not develop any kind of relationship with estranged BIL or family as we never saw them. Every family occasion BIL and family would choose not to come, as they could not bear to be in the same room as my PIL. It was difficult, weddings, christenings etc all very stressful because we would invite them and they would not come, or on the odd occasion they did come they would create such an awful atmosphere everyone was relieved to go home.

Estranged BIL and SIL have never even sent a christmas card to us much less presents for my children, despite me always sending presents for birthdays and christmases for all four of their children. It irritated me over the years that neither of them (or the children for that matter) even once say thank you, but it was my choice to do this as I felt it was right thing to do at the time. Dh has another brother and wife whom we are very close to, they too have struggled with all of this as well. PIL have since died.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago and estranged BIL died quite out of the blue in a serious car accident. We paid our respects and helped with funeral arrangements and my dh who is in the legal profession helped my SIL with all the legalities etc. All fine. We called and supported her as much as we could. We live a long way away.

However now my SIL is getting increasingly very angry with us because we are not meeting up with her and the children regularly (children are all adults 25+) she feels we need to be 'there' for her, to organise christmases, birthdays, easter and all other family occasions for them. I would like to support her, but because she is virtual stranger to me and lives 200 hundred miles away. I don't want to be railroaded into this all the time, I have a job, children and life of my own and can not drop everything to accommodate her demands. I don't actually even like her if I am honest.

I have spoken to my other BIL and SIL and they live much closer to her and are having same problem. My estranged SIL has become so demanding with both of us, she doesn't have many (any) friends and now her parents now have a holiday house overseas and are never around (they used to live over the road) so now it appears that many people around her have dried up.

I don't want a close relationship with her. I can't be the back stop for all of her pain and anger. She is furious her husband has died and she needs to sell her house. I have serious health problems (which she ignores) and all she does is talk about herself endlessly and it is so draining on every level. This is the same person that couldn't even bring herself to send me a christmas card for the past god knows how many years.

This christmas my BIL and SIL are coming to us over christmas (it is our turn), and I am under pressure to invite the estranged SIL and I really don't want to. I don't want to be unkind but the atmosphere is still so toxic between everyone, there is this weird tension still. No doubt she will be angry and she never holds back telling us all no one has done enough for her. I just can't face it. What would you do?

bluewidow have you actually read the OPs posts? The ones where she's said that the SIL isn't, didn't want to and never has been part of their lives. The bits where she explained how the PIL, who have supported their son and his wife in lending money etc, didn't even get Mother's Day cards? The bit where the SIL is actively horrible to OP? The bits where she has been given a massive 'bollocking' for suggesting that OP stops sending gifts for birthdays and Christmas to her ADULT children? (And get Sweet FA in return? )

Yeah.,sorry but if someone treated me like that for years, I would not want anything more to do with her either. She may be grieving, but that does NOT give her any excuse to be vile. And she is vile. And why should OP or anyone else, be around someone vile, 'family' or not?

She has her own family; her children may be grieving themselves for the loss of their dad. She should be with them, supporting them. IF they want her (Which is debatable too)

Bluewidow I'm sorry for your loss, but sometimes if you are a vile person, grief will not make you a nice one. OR someone worthy of more than someone else (family or not) can give. And sometimes of you have been a vile person all your life, you can not expect others to be lovely to you.

Sorry for your loss, BLuewidow but the OP has pointed out that some of the texts her SIL has sent her have been very demanding and spiteful. That doesn't really chime with the picture you're drawing, which I'm sure is from your own experience - the SIL sounds thoroughly obnoxious BEFORE she became a widow and doesn't appear to have changed since.

No, I haven't sat through 6 pages of comments I'm afraid . But if she's that vile then it's simple you just block her number and don't respond and then it's a non issue isn't it. The fact that she's posed the question may be that she she does want to help her in some way as I was offering advice for that. Supporting her doesn't mean she has to be there all the time etc- support groups, counselling could be what she needs. And do you know what loosing a husband does make you bitter, and horrible for a while and pwrhaps it has made her worse but ffs even the bitter people in the world need help and support.

Hi OP. How are you feeling today? Did you send the message.

I was the poster upthread asking if she misread all the unreciprocated gifts over the years. Having read your updates, you and your DH's generosity with time, patience and understanding has truly been pushed to the limits. I think you sum it up wirh your statement about no regrets helping her through this terrible period but you don't want to be friends and this does not wipe out her/their past behaviour. Hold on to the fact she has adult children, parents and funds, once they become available.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, guilt free, stress free and go into the new year knowing you did your duty but now its time to hands the reins back.

bluewidow Perhaps it is worth reading through the 6 pages if you are going make such a strong statement. The OP has been very candid and present on this thread and has questioned her own actions, sometthing that may not have been evident from reading the last page.

bluewidow then can I suggest that you read at least the OPs posts?

The fact that she's posed the question may be that she she does want to help her in some way - Op is a nice person, that is why she is doubting herself. Personally, I would go NC and would have done a long time ago; I have no space in my life for toxic people, related or not. But the OP wants to help, and in fact has helped, but the SIL is demanding (yes demanding) more support, more help, more of OPs time that she was hoping to give. And Ops health is suffering. AND she is not getting anything back, and never has!

Grief may make one bitter for a while, but if you are a nice person throughout your life, then you have friendships to fall back on. If you have spent your life alienating people and being bitter and plain nasty,then you cannot demand anything from people or 'family' - the family you have turned your back on for years.

Anyone else wish that MN could automatically highlight the OP's posts in every thread?

Then we might get responses with some understanding of the problem.

If her husband hadn't of passed away nothing would have changed; she is a downright user and definitely a horror too - please don't feel bad, look at what we are all telling you.

@Nanny0gg

I can't quite remember how, but you can do this. I think it's settings>customise

MulticolourMophead

Yes, but so many don't know/can't be arsed and then can't be arsed to at least read the OP's posts.

Then totally miss the point or unnecessarily have a go.

Yes, I agree there, it gets a bit frustrating seeing some posts

Totally agree - it would be great to see the OPs posts automatically highlighted. I have them set (to grey) and I think it's in settings, but for those who can't be bothered, or who MN on a phone or whatever, an automatic highlight would it least be easier.

I MN on my phone and have OP's posts set in pale green and my own in maroon. Can't be that difficult if I can do it.

It was requested some time ago, that the OP's posts should be automatically highlighted, but nothing came of it. I totally agree it should be done though, then we wouldn't get so much of the problem of people failing/refusing to read through the thread because it's "too long".

My husband’s brother passed away about 16 years ago and SIL and DNephews lived in same town as well as other DSIL and her family-they relocated 12 years ago and we relocated 7 years ago-when the manufacturing plant my husband worked at shuttered- the older nephew was college age and younger one about to graduate high school-my SIL came up to help us move and that’s essentially last time we had contact although we went to DN’s graduation (stayed in hotel took days off work) No holiday cards or bday gifts or Christmas gifts nothing when our son graduated or turned 18-no thank you or acknowledgement for DN’s wedding gift. We can only conclude she felt angry over us moving away but my husband was with the same employer for 18 years and had an excellent salary and benefits. I just don’t care anymore tbh she’s fallen out with her own family as well so I don’t lose sleep anymore over it