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Original poster

SIL expecting too much of me

140 replies

Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 11:26

I would appreciate any view you have on this situation.

When I married dh many years ago, his parents had fallen out with with dh's brother and family and no one spoke for the best part of ten years.

As a result I did not develop any kind of relationship with estranged BIL or family as we never saw them. Every family occasion BIL and family would choose not to come, as they could not bear to be in the same room as my PIL. It was difficult, weddings, christenings etc all very stressful because we would invite them and they would not come, or on the odd occasion they did come they would create such an awful atmosphere everyone was relieved to go home.

Estranged BIL and SIL have never even sent a christmas card to us much less presents for my children, despite me always sending presents for birthdays and christmases for all four of their children. It irritated me over the years that neither of them (or the children for that matter) even once say thank you, but it was my choice to do this as I felt it was right thing to do at the time. Dh has another brother and wife whom we are very close to, they too have struggled with all of this as well. PIL have since died.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago and estranged BIL died quite out of the blue in a serious car accident. We paid our respects and helped with funeral arrangements and my dh who is in the legal profession helped my SIL with all the legalities etc. All fine. We called and supported her as much as we could. We live a long way away.

However now my SIL is getting increasingly very angry with us because we are not meeting up with her and the children regularly (children are all adults 25+) she feels we need to be 'there' for her, to organise christmases, birthdays, easter and all other family occasions for them. I would like to support her, but because she is virtual stranger to me and lives 200 hundred miles away. I don't want to be railroaded into this all the time, I have a job, children and life of my own and can not drop everything to accommodate her demands. I don't actually even like her if I am honest.

I have spoken to my other BIL and SIL and they live much closer to her and are having same problem. My estranged SIL has become so demanding with both of us, she doesn't have many (any) friends and now her parents now have a holiday house overseas and are never around (they used to live over the road) so now it appears that many people around her have dried up.

I don't want a close relationship with her. I can't be the back stop for all of her pain and anger. She is furious her husband has died and she needs to sell her house. I have serious health problems (which she ignores) and all she does is talk about herself endlessly and it is so draining on every level. This is the same person that couldn't even bring herself to send me a christmas card for the past god knows how many years.

This christmas my BIL and SIL are coming to us over christmas (it is our turn), and I am under pressure to invite the estranged SIL and I really don't want to. I don't want to be unkind but the atmosphere is still so toxic between everyone, there is this weird tension still. No doubt she will be angry and she never holds back telling us all no one has done enough for her. I just can't face it. What would you do?

OP posts:
FunSponges · 18/10/2018 11:59

She sounds like a toxic bitch. Her DH dying doesn't give her the right to demand anything. She was unpleasant before he died and she's even more unpleasant now. Block her. You owe her nothing and she is not family. She made that desicion years ago when they cut themselves off from the rest of you.

Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 11:59

No her adult children do not want a relationship with us! My dh has been in touch individually offering support directly, but it was a bit of a non starter and we understand that. We all since fallen back to just communicating through the SIL.

The children quite rightly have lives of their own. We have a very nice and civil relationship with each one of them, they are great kids (adults)

If anything the children are the casualty in this, they are tethered to her, and unable to escape. They are all in counselling, and are struggling with her reading between the lines.

OP posts:
KC225 · 18/10/2018 12:07

It is tricky and its sad that she is grieving but do you think you gave her the wrong impression all those years you sent cards and gifts for birthday and Christmas and they sent nothing in return. She perhaps she sees that as a sign that you would always be there for her and you would persue a relationship with her and her children no matter what.

It sounds as if she is in serious need of some grief counselling. Have you spoken to her children? As they are adults? I imagine they must be going through the same with her. I agree you shouldn't host her for Christmas if you don't want to and she has adult children to spend Christmas with but maybe you could all chip in for a return flight for her to go and visit with her parents.

Saffrone · 18/10/2018 12:08

@Teacherlikemisstrunchball, we too have an upcoming similar situation.

I can only do what I can, for my nearest and dearest. I don't have spare energy to expend on such people. That doesn't mean that I don't feel sad about the situation - but- boundaries. I am limited in my resources. My DH and DC come first.

KC225 · 18/10/2018 12:08

Sorry, cross post above you have answered some of thequestions.n

NonaGrey · 18/10/2018 12:09

If she’s incredibly wealthy she can pay someone to organise things on her behalf.

If she wants to be part of your family the way to do that is to be nice.

Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:11

I sent presents over the years to the children and birthday and christmas cards to them because I did not think it is was the fault of the children that the family had fallen out, not because I wish to pursue any kind of relationship with them.

Possibly in hindsight, I shouldn't have done this and let the whole thing die off naturally (I wish I had now!) It was a matter of fairness and treating all my nephews and nieces equally that seemed the right thing to do at the time. I have never known how to manage this situation if I am honest, as I have had no personal experience of such a serious breakdown in relations.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 18/10/2018 12:12

Dear god she sounds a complete mess. You have no obligations to her. Your DH may or may not want a cautious relationship with her but really that's up to him. You certainly are not obliged to invite her for christmas.

She needs help. Her kids should be telling her that SHE needs counselling. What a mess, OP. Stay out of her mess!

Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:13

Saffrone

If you have the same situation coming up, think twice before sending lots of messages, be endlessly on the end of the phone or get involved in any way with arrangements. Simply do the very bare basics and stay away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:15

I don't think she has ever felt the need to be 'nice' to anyone Nonagrey Clicking of fingers is more the general tone of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:17

onalongsabbatica My dh is reluctant to get involved because they were so awful to his parents and he has never forgiven her (or BIL)

OP posts:
diddl · 18/10/2018 12:20

Presumably your husband didn't want a relationship with his brother & SIL, or that would have happened despite the parents being estranged from them?

ApolloandDaphne · 18/10/2018 12:22

It says a lot if her own DC don't want anything to do with her. I would be keeping her at arms length. You are not obliged to have her for Christmas, or even see her at any time at all in the future. I accept having her DH die must have been awful but it doesn't mean you need to fill that gap.

Eliza9917 · 18/10/2018 12:22

Snowymountainsalways Thu 18-Oct-18 11:36:25
If I were to block her is that not extremely unkind given she is now a widow? Don't get me wrong, I would be happy if I never saw her again, she has been so horrible to me.

Just tell her she's reaping what she's sown.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/10/2018 12:23

I'm probably being a bit thick here (and I appreciate it may not be relevant anyway) but was the fall-out between BIL and his family down to her or him? And if it was down to her, how come she suddenly wants so much of you and your family now?

Someone needs to spell it out to her? (f you don't feel up to it, DH or other BIL or SIL?)

Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:23

No my dh really didn't/doesn't want a relationship with them/her. Their behaviour towards his parents without going into details was really really bad.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 18/10/2018 12:24

OP - You’ve mentioned that you have trouble being a doormat, but what helps one of my friends who has the same problem is thinking of her children: if you cannot stand up for yourself, you MUST stand up for your children. Do not let this vile woman come and ruin your childrens’ Christmas. You said they are young and still at the point where Christmas can be magical, and they don’t deserve to have a tense and toxic environment. (You and your husband don’t deserve it either).

She has been horrible for ages, so she cannot suddenly decide you and your DH should be at her holiday beck and call simply because her husband had passed away.

I’m sorry you’re going through this stress and hope it all works out!

Fishforclues · 18/10/2018 12:26

You haven't cause this by sending presents to the children. That's a nice, "auntly" thing to do and in no way obliges you to host her at Christmas a decade later.

I was fully expecting from the thread title to be saying "aww go on, it's Christmas and she's all alone!" but no. What form does this pressure to invite her take? Is it from her? Your other extended family? How is it put?

Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:27

DontCallMeCharlotte In all these years I am not sure who was behind the decision to cut out the family. I suspect it was both of them, and it was for the most part a decision based on the fact my PIL are from humble beginnings and they simply did not 'fit in' with my BIL and SIL new jet set life.
PIL were somewhat of an embarrassment to them esp as FIL had a terminal illness that affected his movements (although we have always been proud of PIL and their achievements, and they were thoroughly decent people) It was a very painful situation for PIL and we were there throughout trying to support them. My MIL was heartbroken most of the time.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 18/10/2018 12:28

I take it the reason your PIL didn't have anything to do with them for so long was down to her ways?

A horrible, nasty person doesn't become a better person simply because they are widowed. They just become a horrible, nasty widowed person.

You don't owe this woman anything so don't invite her for Christmas and start to roll back contact to a level you are happy with. The fact she won't speak to your DH - her DH's brother - about anything other than what he can help with says it all.

oh4forkssake · 18/10/2018 12:31

Goodness me have nothing to do with this woman!

She sounds appalling and you owe her absolutely nothing!

Original poster
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 12:32

Fishforclues

The pressure is coming from my other SIL as she feels she is in a 'position' coming to us but not including the estranged SIL. I know she is feeling really uncomfortable about it (but she is free to host SIL at her house if she wants to, and we can do another year, and I have suggested this) She is not jumping at the opportunity to invite the other SIL I have noted.

It is also coming through texts 'what are WE doing for christmas' kind of tone, and whats happening from estranged SIL. Very tricky to ignore and I haven't replied yet.

I have always done open house christmases, anyone can come, so doing this isn't easy. I am desperate not to hurt her feelings, but also desperate not to have a christmas full of anger and retribution. I also remember all the christmases my poor MIL would cry for hours because her own son would not even send a card. It is galling.

OP posts:
tempname111 · 18/10/2018 12:34

You sound lovely and she sounds a bloody nightmare. Time to set your stall out.

"Sorry SIL, we will NOT be inviting you for this Christmas or indeed, any future Christmas. We were very happy to help in the short term following BIL's death as we would with anyone in need. However as you are aware, we had never cultivated any sort of relationship beforehand and we don't plan to now. We are happy with distant contact but have our own lives and have neither the time or inclination to assist you in the ways you seem to demand. We wish you all the best and no doubt our paths may cross at future unavoidable family events where we'll be happy to have a brief catch up."

AdoraBell · 18/10/2018 12:35

What NonaGrey said.

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/10/2018 12:37

Difficult though it will be, I would reply to the SIL ASAP setting out that her Christmas will not be spent with you. The sooner you get it out of the way the better it will be.

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