to not take something of a deceased neighbour

[GoingNuckingFuts]

my neighbour passed away two weeks ago she was 68 (im 30) i often (2/3 days a week) would go sit with her have a brew and a jangle (we could of ruled the world us two with our putting to rights convos haha) i would see if she needed a hand with anything around the house, shopping picking up, even though she had a friend a few days a weeks to help her with these things, i would often put some washing out, iron a few things, or pick her up a few bits and bobs, would make her some lunch take over cakes if id been baking, because i wanted to help my friend and i really enjoyed her company.

she became a frail lady over the last 12 months but remained sassy as hell, absolutely hilarious, and i loved spending time with her.

she was a good friend to me when i had cancer 3 years ago she and another neighbour (in 50's) would often make pans of stew/sunday dinners/spag bol, take our son over to their house's for lunch/dinner or just to play with their grandkids for an hour or so to give me and my DH a rest while was going through chemo,(i was very ill i nearly died im very lucky to be here) both ladies actually did more for me than my own mum who didn't cope well with my illness,

her passing was a shock but not huge as she had been really poorly, it broke my heart, i long for my friend back, she has left a little gap in my life, i miss our conversations more than anything, we had such fun.

her family have now been told they need to empty her house within the next 4 weeks I've offered to give them a hand and they have been grateful, her 3 sons have asked me to come and pick a little trinket of hers to keep as a thank you for all the help in her last few years but i really don't want anything, im just happy i got to spend time with my friend in her last few days and that i helped her with odd little things, and happy i have some fantastic memories with an incredible lady, i don't want her sons to think im ungrateful for the offer i really am not i am just as i said happy i made such a lovely friend and i hopefully made her life a little easier as she made mine when i was ill,

would it be unreasonable to not accept a small gift? i feel like it might be, she has quite a lot of grandkids and people she was friends with for much much longer (we had been friends around 5 years) that should have a little token, i don't want to offend them .

thoughts, please.

My first . You sound great OP and what a wonderful sounding friend you had.

Yeah now I think about it and you all saying it might help the family I see why they have asked me I didn't really think of it like that, I thought about how I feel (see arsehole) she had a specific mug for me (and other people) at her house She wouldn't have anyone drinking out of "our" specific cups she was quirky, like that so I'll ask of its ok to have "my allocated mug" I won't use it often only incase it gets broken.

If I'm lucky enough to be gifted the photo too i'll stick it up on my gallery wall where we have all sorts of silly photos that show our personalities and funny memories amd moments (we rarely do formal posed photos) think diving photos where you look awful trying to neutralise ears, on backside in mud because you don't listen and are determd to go down a muddy hill, screaming because the dog has just vomitted on my lap..and DH thought to take a photo and what's app it to my friends first before helping me ( yes really happened) I think it will be quite fitting there

I have some seriously scabby things around the house in discreet places, e a crinoline lady with a poodle on a lead, a china race horse with a seriously glued together back leg, that sort of thing. They remind me of the people they belonged to, aunt, parents and thet help me with the losses.
Take a small thing and remember her.

@GetOffTheTableMabel

I will tell them the ancedote, one son does know because he said it was mean to put it up and she told him to sod off and mind his business and that I thought it was funny,

She was a he'll of a character.

Again thanks all for your kind words and condolences o appreciate it. She will be missed by all who knew her

I'm glad you've decided to take something. She sounds like a wonderful friend to you, & you to her.

I've had a lot of comfort from people that chose small things of my Dad's. It's lovely to know that some of his things are still used, looked at & memories remembered by his friends. Silly but it makes me happy so I'm sure it will for her dc too.

She sounds lovely. Yes, take a mug and the photo. That made me laugh/cry at the same time!

Sorry for your loss, sounds like you were good friends for each other.

Her reply " because you look like shit and I look effing fabulous and at my age if you look good next to some one in their late 20's you take it and run!"

What a woman!

Mug and the photo would be a nice momento to remind you of the time you spent together.

Take it. It is for them to feel they have honoured your commitment to their relative. It's not really for you, IYSWIM.

I'd suggest they pick something small if they wish to.

Very sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing neighbour.

opse missed update!

@GoingNuckingFuts - please stop saying you are an arsehole - you are the polar OPPOSITE of that. You cared deeply for your neighbour, and had a wonderful friendship with her, and you are going through the grieving process.

Plus you had a concern about taking something as a memento, came on here and asked advice, and have taken it on board with great good humour and graciousness.

So - repeat after me - "I am a lovely person, and a wonderful friend!!"

• • not that sternly, really - honest!

Just take something to be kind, you don't have to keep it, tbh if is anything like my MIL's house, we were virtually begging friends to take stuff. Most of her stuff ended up at a charity shop (sister tried a car boot sale, the less said about that the better) or the tip.

Fab anecdote.

She sounds brilliant and so do you!

Both you and she sound absolutely lovely. Definitely ask for the mug and photo.

thanks everyone, i would feel cheeky asking for both so when im asked when i go after i will say either of those, she only has a small two bedroom house so it isnt going to take too long to clear and sort through, she didnt like and i quote "too much shite around gathering dust and doing her head in" so didn't hoard which i think her sons are happy for,

thanks again everyone i appreciate it x

What a beautiful friendship. Can you let me know where you live so I can buy her house, please? You're a lovely woman.

@bluelady i live in a lovely little cul-de-sac in wales, it always rains its windy as hell and we have some rare characters just before the entry to our street and not the good kind. but me, my friend, and my late friend have our own little bubble of lovelyness i hope we get another nice couple/family or single person in, i cant be doing with these youngsters that party all the friggin time words will be said and not nice ones i assure you haha

Remember comfort in, dump out. Giving you something from her house is them thanking you. So to comfort in, you have to take something.

She sounds like a fabulous woman.

well i am just back from her house, oh my god, what a day, tissues at the ready !

there was a little box waiting for me, inside was the mug and the photo in its frame, a beautiful throw, a set of 4 gorgeous vintage tea cups with matching saucers and a tea pot, the cups had been turned into candles and a letter from her to me
it read (names changed)

Dear Emily
i write this with a heavy heart , as i know when you recieve it i will be gone, i am very ill, i have cancer i have known for a 2 months it's terminal. my boys knew so they could help me get my affairs in order, they also had strict instructions to not tell my friends. i am sorry i did not tell you, i hated keeping it from you but i didn't want sympathy, and you making a bloody fuss, because you would!

I made peace with my diagnosis, i have lived a good life so please do not be sad im gone smile because i lived! These last few years you have been incredibly friendly welcoming a crazy old lady into your heart and home.

i've always thought of you as my friend and a surrogate granddaughter i was so proud of your strength during your own illness and i hope i handle my own with the dignity and hilarity you did.

Please accept these gifts as a token of my appreciation for your friendship and care even though you are bloody annoying with your beautiful cakes! thanks to you i lost my school girl firgure! the boys helped me pick out your gifts, so you cant decline them thinking you would be offending someone because you're not.

I had my daughter in law make you the candles for your birthday as you said you'd had something similar at your wedding, i made you the blanket while you where ill but i never got around to finishing it in time because you kicked cancers backside,

make sure you have a brew in your mug from time to time and remember me, ill miss you, my sweetest pain in bum! forever your friend.

Jean x x

p.s you have to admit i look dam good in the photo and there is one more gift if you refuse it i will come back and haunt you forever! x

her sons then handed me another envelope inside was another note which read it "isn't much but put it toward your baby fund" there was a cheque for £600 in my name the baby fund relates to i am saving up 18K so i can find a surrogate to carry mine and DH emryos for us to have a baby (aforementioned son is my DSS)

What a women! i cant believe she kept her illness secret from me, but i can fully understand why she did, she MADE me the blanket.....MADE it! she was dying and she took the time to write me a note and make me a blanket, ensured she had a birthday present ready for me and gave me some money to help with my baby fund,

i tried to refuse the cheque and her eldest son said
"i am power of attorney for her estate she made it clear you are to have this we are all in agreement its the least you deserve, your kindness towards our mum always gave us peace of mind she had someone close by and trustworthy when we couldn't be here. and besides you read the letter, and knowing mum if she can she will come back to haunt you so just take it, please. "

i couldnt believe it i still cant im so touched and so shocked, i have this huge lump in my throat and tears building i can barely speak ! it doesnt feel like this is real her sons knew this whole time what she had done for me they helped her and the kept tight lipped i gave tem all a hug and i think i said thank you between my sobs, whther or not it coherent i dont know.

😭😭😭

@squirrelnutkins1

I KNOW RIGHT!!! i knew she was an amazing woman and friend but wow! that is something else! i haven't stopped sobbing since 1:30

Your friend and her whole family all sound amazing, a good version of the apple doesn’t all far. OP you also sound like an amazing friend and I think you should accept the gifts in the spirit of love they were intended.

You're not the only one that needs tissues after reading that Emily. She obviously loved you very much.

What a lovely gift. I hope you are successful with your bid to have a family after all you have been through, it would be a wonderful tribute to your friend and neighbour, if through her kind legacy, you were able to achieve your dream

i cant believe her generosity, or her thoughtfulness during her final weeks the letter was dated 2 weeks before she passed away, she should have been resting not finishing off blankets and writing me letters, i saw her that week at least 3 times, i could see she was really sick but i didnt pry as to what she just told me she had chest infection (not unusal for her) i didnt treat her any different and im glad i didn't because she would of hated it, and probably told me off!

i will treasure my gifts forever, and i will even photocopy the cheque so when i eventually have our baby in my arms i can tell them when they are older what a lovely auntie jean they had and never got to meet and show them how generous she was and she helped us bring them into the world.

tonight i am raising a Barcardi and coke (her poison) in my mug with my DH (as DSS is at his mothers) to my dear friend jean, if anyoe wants to join me virtually at 8pm then please do and say to jean!

thanks everyone who persuaded me to accept a gift in the first place i was not expecting what i got, the mug would have been the perfect gift but wow just wow i am still so shocked

😢
So touching, what an amazing friendship. If only we were all so lucky x