DD Disappointed on her birthday?

[spaghettitoots]

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

I think you spent plenty but maybe she just doesn't love clothes and books as presents

My kids don’t love books as presents, but they get them anyway and they do end up reading them. That’s non-negotiable.

My sister gives her kids loads and loads and loads of ‘exciting’ presents - toys, gadgets, games and they get broken and forgotten about very quickly. How many toys do children actually need?

Exactly paddling

Eight year old children want toys on their birthday.

She had nothing to play with.

My kids would have been disappointed too.

I would say it's definitely not about spending more money but my thought was what was missing was a) doing something fun that she enjoyed on her birthday, even if that was just going to the park/swimming/playing a game together at home/doing some crafting etc - whatever she would enjoy and choose and b) having some kind of celebration with friends. If you are paying out for a theatre trip then I can understand not spending a fortune on a party as well but it doesn't cost much to have a little get together with some friends, have some tea, watch a movie at home, or go out for an icecream or something. My kids really wanted to celebrate with their friends at that age. My son was on holiday in America on his 8th birthday (ao a pretty big treat) but we still had a little get together with his friends when we got home.

Not all 8 year olds want toys! My niece is 9 and has asked me for clothes every year since she was 5. One of my own DC would have been really disappointed with toys as after 6 they only wanted hobby related stuff. One of my DC is toy mad and will probably be one of those adults still building lego. All my DC like books although never look excited when they unwrap them. By bedtime they are pouring over them.

Children are individuals. The OP bought things she thought her Dd would like. Sometimes we do fanastically well at that and sometimes we misjudge a bit and that's life.

When I was this age, I secretly wished for a kitten for Christmas, and was terribly terribly disappointed not to get it -- even though I'd never asked for one...

Bloody hell, ThisIsTheFirstStep - do you just go round all the MN boards calling people patronizing?

I want to reiterate (because I think some PP have misinterpreted my post) that it isn't about the money spent but about doing something special on the day itself as other PP have said. It might be something that costs the price of local train ticket, but it's about making a bit of magic on the day.

I also agree that most 8yos prefer toys to clothes or books (but a mix is fine).

I dont think she's being ungrateful at all, he's just not hiding her disappointment well.

It sounds like she got overexcited and nothing would probably have lived up to the excitement. I did this every year, got overexcited and overwhelmed with the excitement then when the presents were over you feel a bit flat. It doesn't mean I wasn't pleased with my presents it's just all the hype and it's over very quickly.

If there's no toys there's nothing to continue the excitement from opening the presents so it falls a bit flat. It sounds like she had good presents and a good birthday but maybe just felt a bit flat after all the hype

I absolutely hate it when the kids get clothes for a present from my in laws, they don't want them and most of the time they end up in the charity shop because they don't suit them.

She probably just felt under whelmed, because the trip isn't till next week and kids that age want stuff instantaneously and not have to wait, thats why toys are a better idea.

We have the opposite Winterbella. One set of grandparents cannot understand that one of my DC does not want toys. Since 6 they have had several interests (mainly bloody cycling) and like things related to that. His presents from us are normally trips to something. But the grandparents buy into this Kids Must Want Toys thing and they are disappointed every time he says a polite thank you and doesn't open the packaging etc.

No one has any idea why the OPs daughter was disappointed. My bet is she day dreamed of things which were never going to happen!

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking

Something very sad about a 5 year old wanting clothes rather than toys.

Eight year olds are learning- they are still children.

They need toys to help them learn, to have fun, to be creative.

I am not talking about plastic tat.

I think all kids need something to get their teeth into for their birthday- whether a jigsaw, a woodwork kit to build a bird house, art materials, craft stuff, physical toys like balls, games, something to build or construct, and yes maybe Barbies if that is what they like.

THis is what I mean by toys.

Clothes just don't cut it.

We are relatively comfortably off and I have always given dd extra things to unwrap. Like nice knickers and socks, which dd needs btw but it just makes extra presents. I’m talking m&s 5 packs or similar, which I’ve picked up in sales and set by. Dd normally gets some clothes / shoes that she’s chosen and had no toys for her 10th birthday but that was the first time ever.

Dd is into experiences more than stuff so that’s where we put the money. You just need to work out your dds currency for next time around. Are her brothers older? If they are or some of them are perhaps you could rope them in to help make her birthday special.

The day doesn’t need to be all about her but I imagine it would be nice if a bigger chunk could be centred around her. Perhaps the issue is she sees her brothers enjoying stuff so much more because there are more of them.

In you place i would organise a birthday sleepover within the next couple of weeks. These are normally really exciting for 8 yos. Pizza, cake and coco pops isn’t going to break the bank and will probably much more exciting than a shopping trip. Or link it to Halloween an make it dress up / bonfire night etc.

Speakout.

A bit off topic but there's nothing sad about children being who they are. DN loves clothes. Loved dressing dolls, loved dressing up, loves dressing herself, draws clothes, writes about clothes, often fantastical stories about wardrobes and a family of clothes hangers. She's great. My own DD is a tomboy and pretty much indistinguishable from her 3 brothers. One of my children is totally uninterested in toys. Stopped being interested in them at 6 when he discovered bikes after a cycling race passed by our road. That was that. Another is a preteen still obsessed by toys. Still views lego with the same excitement as a 5 year old. Whatever, they are all different.

Honsertly buying clothes for a preteen os pretty bad on excitement.

Sort of like your partner buying you a new hover or iron. Its a neccessity but something you would not like to receive as a birthday or chirstmas present.

I might be way off the mark here but maybe she seemed a bit glum because she felt guilty? I remember a really strong feeling of guilt on my 9th birthday because I felt like I'd been too spoilt. I can't remember what my presents were (Flower Fairies maybe?) but I remember my mum took my sisters and me to McDonalds as a birthday treat for me after school. I would have had a birthday cake as well and party with my friends at some point. I wasn't a very confident 9 year old and I felt like I didn't deserve to be spoilt so I remember feeling really, really awful that evening.

Even if our kids (6-18) ask for clothes or money, we always get them a little something else (a toy, nice Smiggle stuff, board game, etc). Giving toys doesn’t have to mean giving a load of tat that will get broken.
I think she probably thought she might get a toy/craft kit/game as well as clothes (whatever she’s into). Clothes aren’t the exciting present at 8 they might be for teenagers.

All children are different. I loved getting clothes. My DD loves getting clothes. Clothes to me could never be on a par with an iron. I wouldn’t get ordinary workaday clothes for a present - they can be something special or indulgent that you wouldn’t buy if it weren’t a present.

@TatianaLarina
My kids don’t love books as presents, but they get them anyway and they do end up reading them. That’s non-negotiable.
Why on earth do you do this if you know your kids don't actually like books? I can understand buying them books and encouraging them to read, but insisting on wrapping them up and pretending that they are "gifts" is just bizarre. I hope you're not also one of those parents that expect your children to act incredibly grateful for their "gifts" even if you've bought them something they would never actually choose for themselves.

Whatever happened to "it's the thought that counts" mentality? To me this is about spending time really thinking about what the recipient would like and buying something within budget that you genuinely think they will enjoy. Not insisting that they should receive socks, pants or books as gifts because it's something you want to buy them and think they need. It sounds like these books are given for the gratification of the present giver (i.e. you) rather than the recipients (your kids).

Try not to feel guilty about it, I have often felt bad when I perhaps didn't get all the things my DS wanted for his birthday, or misjudged the importance of certain presents but at the end of the day we do our best.

I know it sounds corny but at these times I remind myself he's got presents, he's fed, clothed and safe and some children in the world have nothing, remind myself to be thankful for what we do have.

It sounds like plenty to me but then it depends what previous birthdays have been like.

We don’t go overboard on birthdays, we usually go out for lunch or cinema and presents are usually quite small, sometimes some clothes and books but my dd1 loves reading.

I think what most girls really want is a party of some kind, dd1 (now 14) still nags about having a party and would swap her presents for a small party if she could.

I'd have been disappointed with clothes and books for gifts at the age of 8.

It’s not gonna ruin her life, she won’t even remember in a few months, I’ve just asked my 11 yo niece what she had / did on her 8th and she didn’t have a clue.

Sorry OP but I think this is about you not your DD. She didn’t throw a tantrum, or complain, she said thanks, she’s getting older and it’s normal as people get older not to experience that same extreme excitement you had when you were very little, it’s part of realising each year ‘oh, yeah this does happen every year!’ which makes it less special.

Sounds like she had a nice day but you’re feeling sad she didn’t perform excitement. She’s her own person, she can feel how she likes. She wasn’t rude or ungrateful, she just didn’t show extreme joy which is a big ask of anyone on demand.

God, there are some harsh comments here. She was bought books, clothes she (presumably) didn't need, a day out, a nice dinner, a cake etc. Some of the expectations here would put Princess Eugenie in the shade!

Don't get onto debt.

She will forget it

Two Christmases ago my kids were disappointed. I doubt they remember.

My father was happy with a catapult and an orange at Christmas!