DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

[applesandapear]

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

He is emtionally and financially abusing you, he thinks he's got you right where he wants you; hopeless and helpless.

You have the power to change that. Find out what benefits you'd be entitled to, tell people you trust, what's happening and start making plans to get your life back on track.

Do you really want your child to be brought up in an environment where you're not good enough? Think about what that would be like.

It is scary to leave and be a single parent, but not as scary to stay.

*emotionally

He's abusive. Is there anyone you can go stay with? I wouldn't give him any warning. Leave when he's not home.

Op I raised my little boy from a baby completely on my own. I was young and scared, but we got into a groove and I enjoyed our little life together. You can do it.

Very good to see you are keeping your career.
You will need it.

You are an intelligent woman. You will find a way out of this. Dont sign a new lease. Look to what your income is when you go back to work, add in maintenance. And any other income you can muster.
It may be tight but you can do it.
He is trying to see how far he can go in controlling you.

In the end it is probably best you don't commit to buying a bigger house with him right now and all the extra expense that entails. Say no to his demands and keep strong. When people ask why tell them the truth. Get people on side and seeing him for what he is: an emotional bully. You can absolutely leave him. Can you go stay with family for a while until you decide what to do? If you are on maternity then you have a bit of time and space to do this before going back to work.

I'm sorry I lost the plot way up thread.
This man if you could call him that would be gone away from my happiness

he is trying to blackmail me into paying for a cleaner I can’t afford because of his obsessive desire for a clutter free house?
What he is doing has nothing to do with any alleged desire for a clutter free house on his part. It is just a handy weapon to use against you, a way to give him the satisfaction of making you do something you don't want to do and seeing you go through it month after month. He is punishing you for having maternity leave and making sure you stay under his thumb.

Tell people the move is off. They will get over it.

No way should you move. Stay where you are.

Own or rent?

And YYY to opening up to people you can trust about all of this, finding out what you would be entitled to.

Wow. I'm so sorry, he's really pulling a number on you.

Tbh I think you need to be blunt with him. You don't need to provide him with justification for everything just tell him what you want/don't want.

For example you're not signing up to the new house until you resolve your issues. You're not paying for a cleaner you don't want. Your views on how things should be done are equally as valid as his and if he can't see that it doesn't make you wrong, it highlights his lack of ability to empathise.

I think you know you can't stay with him.

Good luck. I am so sorry.

Please don't sign anything. It's far too big a risk to take. Even if he takes back his demands about the cleaner, you now know what he's like.
It sounds like your current house is jointly owned though?
Time to get some legal advice I think.

I don’t think I’d be signing anything with a baby in the way. Babies cause clutter and have toys and make a mess. I can’t think of a more stressful environment than the one you’re heading for and I don’t think it will be healthy for anyone.

The only move you want to make is into your own place without him

You are getting some good advice OP and stay strong is all I can offer.

With regards to a cleaner, if he feels cluttered now, wait until the little one has toys littered all over the floor! You need to get away before it gets worse

Regardless of anything else, do not sign for the new house. You dont need a bigger house, he does. If he wants more space, he needs to pay for it. You only need space for you and your child. You are not married to him, walk away now while you can. He's bullying you and gaslighting you and you deserve so much better.

OP I'm getting more and more stressed as I read your updates. If I were you I would get away from him asap. He sounds like a dangerous person and not someone who will make you or your child happy. Don't let being on your own put you off, sounds like you will be so much more free and happy despite the challenges. As @toherdoor said it's totally doable on your own.

Walk away from this man today, don't sign anything. Can you go to a parent/friend? Sort the rest out later - just leave

This is SO much more than wanting an uncluttered house.
This is about control, if he can reduce your finances, you are unable to go out, buy clothes, pay for "fun" things.
This is the beginning. It gets worse
btw, You pay for food, all of it ?
as PP said, the only move you should take, is out on your own, & fast.
You must not move & tie yourself to him in a bigger house.
You need to talk to pease in real life.
You are in a real emotional & financial abusive relationship. This is the truth of it.
Go & stay with a trusted person family/friend, out of the FOG, & put a plan together for the rest of your life

pease = people !

You be honest with family when they ask what happened. 'he started to change and became cruel. The night before he started demanding things out of the blue and I realised he didn't actually care about me or more importantly the baby'.
People pull out all the time. It sucks but thank God it's now and not when you're even more trapped.
This morning start packing emergency bags (can be used as a 'start on the packing' or maybe 'visit family while you think about the cleaner'.
Take birth certificate, red book etc.

A cold, calculating and controlling side that quite honestly scares me

Please listen to this..your instinct is telling you something. I had the exact same reaction and knew I couldn't continue. His behaviour is harmful to you as the stress will impact your health.
Due to his job ex was not likely to phyiscally assault me however he would go as close to the line as he could to intimidate me.

Abuse of this nature is complex and confusing (often these are very clever men) but family will understand. Ex revealed his true nature once we separated and his cruelty became evident to others.

Do you live near family?

OP I used to be in a controlling relationship and one thing I often worried about was “what will I tell people? What will people think?” about a number of different scenarios.

The reality is that a) it really doesn’t matter what other people think - you’re the only one that has to live with your decisions and b) your friends and family love you and just want you to be happy. All they will think is “thank god OP got away from that scumbag”.

Please don’t let worry of embarrassment trap you in a bad situation. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and stress if I had realised this sooner - please learn from my mistakes.

You could tell them that you are not moving because your relationship is not in a good place at the moment. People would understand that instantly. Think of a vague phrase along those lines that you can repeat.

There are 16-year-olds who leave school early but manage to get by as single mums somehow. You'll work something out - not everything all at once, but bit by bit, step by step, adjusting to new circumstances as your chld grows older. It might mean lowering your expectations for a while, but we'd all rather be the poor child with a loving mum than the rich child in an unhappy home.

Don't sign. There is nothing he can do to actually make you do it.

Have you parents you could go and stay with?

What is he like if he doesn't meet his own standards? Is he down on himself or does he blame everyone else?